Another man...

[Divinity]

I'm totally conflicted. I've been married for over two years now. LOVE my husband. We moved to Chicago for a couple years and then just moved back to Denver - we aren't city folk. Well I've been reconnecting with friends this week and I went to coffee with a friend I used to see in college. All of these feelings started coming up that I didn't even know I had for him. We went out for coffee and chatted and then to this salsa house party and it was just amazing. I haven't felt this way in years. My marriage is going ok, but hubby and I just don't talk anymore and the passion hasn't been there. I've felt this way for about a month now and I know I'm all hot and bothered because of this and new found feelings for friend. I'm not having an affair, nor would I ever, but I don't know what to do with these feelings. This ever happen to anyone else? Any advice?

 

[M.A.C. head.]

If you are still in love with your husband and you want to stay with him, you need to cut off all contact with that other man, and you need to really COMMUNICATE what's going on with your husband.

 

[Shimmer]

You just muddle through.
I think most married women have moments like that, and really all you can do is enjoy the little ego boost it gives you, and remain focused on your marriage. Figure out what your husband needs to do, and what you need to do, to get it back on track, and put your energies there.

 

[User49]

I think it's normal to get crushes and feel things for people. The difference is your married now. When you made that vow, you promised to be true. I think you need to be careful. You can enjoy your crush and keep seeing this person until it actually turns into something more. Or if you are good at controling yourself you can keep seeing this person but make sure it doesn't go beyond the realms of friendship. But really I think that this happens when like you said, you loose the 'flare' in a relationship. Take it as a warning sign. Perhaps you need to figure out new ways to get that spark back in your marriage. Because being married two years and already feeling you've lost the spark is not good. And eventually these 'little things' that you push to the back of your mind will become bigger things. Take it as a sign to do something new in your relationship. Sometimes it's just flaterring to have someone else give you attention - this it totally normal. But the fact that you are writing about it on a blog because you feel a bit worried is a bit of a worry, no? Maybe just try and push the feelings aside and spend more time with the hubby doing something different. It's easy to get into a routine and forget how much fun you have together. When you first go out, you go out a lot and spend time together having fun, after awhile you begin to 'settle into a routine'. Mix it up a bit and you wont have to feel the need for male attention from old friends...

 

[User49]

PS Don't beat yourself up! You haven't done anything wrong!

 

[nunu]

Try to talk to your husband about what's going on and what caused this emptiness that you both feel for each other. If you are both used to the same routine, you need to spice up your relationship a bit. Do something new like date night or something to regain that passion.

Good luck

 

[TISH1124]

I totally agree with Shimmer...
I think 99% of women and men probably experience this, I know I have ...However you need to figure out at the end of the day what is most important to you. Marriage takes everyday work and commitment...Just communicate with him and let him know your concerns and how you are feeling and together work on getting the passion back in your marriage.
I have found myself in this situation with a man....I like taking to my old friends but I love my husband..and when I feel it could possibly lead to something I might regret, I distance and remove myself from the situation...it's just not worth the time I am allowing it to possibly expand in to something else.

 

[florabundance]

I agree with Shimmer. I'm not married yet, but it's just human nature to feel the way you are and it's something that you'll overcome as long as you communicate with your husband.

 

[Divinity]

I'm glad to know I'm not alone. I never thought I would be tested in this area of my marriage. Thanks for the advice. I think I have a hard time talking with my husband because I don't want him to be upset with me, but we both have some work to do.

 

[Shimmer]

The thing that a lot of people forget is that...
even though you're married, you're NOT dead. You've still got feelings and emotions and little trips and triggers that are completely expected to be intrigued by new people you meet.
At this point in life, after marriage, after the passion dims to more of a steady flame, loving a spouse isn't about the "OMGZ LETS GO HUMP ON THE WASHER AND HAVE THIS HUGE PASSIONATE AFFAIR", it's about making the choice to acknowledge...wow. This guy makes me feel like I haven't felt in a LONG time and that's awesome. I love feeling this way. But he's not my husband so I'm not going to act on this.
It's about making the choice to acknowledge the situation, then actively remain focused on the marriage.

 

[LadyFaenyx]

I think you definitely need to talk to your husband about ALL of this.
And if the feelings continue with this friend, stop seeing him. Simple as that. I know myself personally, I would never hang around someone who I might develop strong feelings for, it's just disrespectful to my relationship, and partner.. that's just me though.

I think these "omg I haven't felt like this in a long time" feelings, are just those, initial "honeymoon phase" feelings. If you went to him, it would die off eventually too. It's inevitable.

Relationships are cyclical, they have phases. you're just going through a down phase, eventually it'll get back up, but it requires sticking it out through the down times first. Trust me, it's worth it.

but yeah, communication hun. It's the foundation for any successful relationship. I'm sure your husband might be a little sad, but he needs to learn to talk more, and not just be "blah" regarding your marriage... so this doesn't happen again.

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

I agree with shimmer 100%

I've been with the same guy for 7 years i love him to death but i do find other men attractive, i do find myself saying hmm i could date him if i wasnt married. Being with a guy that long, we arent as spontaneous, we arent in that honeymoon stage, we've definately seen each other at our worse physical state. We are human like shimmer said. And if a new man finds me attractive ill consider it as a boost of confience and maybe he'll pop into my head a few times, but at the end of the day i choose my husband for a reason. At the end of the day I'll go home snuggle up to my husband eat dinner, ignite that flame i've been missing for the past couple of weeks, and fall in love all over again.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyFaenyx I think you definitely need to talk to your husband about ALL of this.

I would definitely advise against telling a spouse "So I met a guy and nothing's happened but man, he makes my tummy flutter and gives me butterflies and I find myself thinking about him."
That's probably over share.
Saying something along the lines of "Right now I feel like something's really missing between us, because I don't feel like you're putting the attention into our relationship it needs. I want to get giddy when I hear your voice because you're such a part of me, and I want you to do the same when you hear mine, but right now it's just kind of like I'm 'here' and you're talking 'at' me, and you're not flirting with me or anything..." would probably be a bit better on ego and prevent future accusations of untoward behavior.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I wouldn't do anything with those feelings, beyond acknowledge that something is missing in your marriage and work with your husband to regain it. I agree with Shimmer; I wouldn't tell him. How would you feel if he told you about a woman that made him feel the way you feel about that guy? I don't think it's going to serve any purpose but to start drama

Relationships are work sometimes. The important thing is that if your marriage is worth it (and it does sound like it is) to keep working at it.

 

[LadyFaenyx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer I would definitely advise against telling a spouse "So I met a guy and nothing's happened but man, he makes my tummy flutter and gives me butterflies and I find myself thinking about him." That's probably over share. Saying something along the lines of "Right now I feel like something's really missing between us, because I don't feel like you're putting the attention into our relationship it needs. I want to get giddy when I hear your voice because you're such a part of me, and I want you to do the same when you hear mine, but right now it's just kind of like I'm 'here' and you're talking 'at' me, and you're not flirting with me or anything..." would probably be a bit better on ego and prevent future accusations of untoward behavior.

I agree & disagree.. but that's only because i'm in the kind of relationship where we do not keep secrets whatosever, even about feelings. We're completely open & honest about exactly how we're feeling. We don't tip toe around it, and to break anything "nicely" too each other. But that doesn't work for everyone, obviously. Some people just can't handle that kind of honesty (like telling the husband "So I met a guy and nothing's happened but man, he makes my tummy flutter and gives me butterflies and I find myself thinking about him.")

I do like how you wrote the 2nd paragraph, and I would probably recommend going that route, if she is to tell her husband. Above all I believe in honesty, whichever way she says it (whether it's being put nicely, or bluntly), is good.

 

[InRetospeck]

I think as humans we always think the grass is greener. How would you feel if your husband was doing what you are doing right now? How would you want to be treated?

Marriage is work. No matter who you are married too it's work. You have a lesson that you need to learn here. If you don't learn it now, you will only keep repeating this process until you have learned this life lesson.

Do you love your husband? What do you love about him? What is bothering you right now about your relationship? What do you think your husband loves about you? What do you think he would like to change with you? What area of your relationship do you think YOU need to work on?

You say that you would never cheat on your husband? Please never say never. Please do not lie too yourself. Please talk too your husband. He deserves this chance to make things right. If you two need to talk to someone there is no shame in that... do it. Think about yourself in 5 years... where do you want to be? How would you feel if you cheated on your husband? Or you left your husband? What kind of person would cheat with someone who is married?

There is a great book out there called "His Needs Her Needs" My Pastor came across this book when my huband and I were going through pre- marriage counseling. My Pastor was just getting ready to retire and he said that he wishes he would have known about this book years before and would have had EVERY couple who mas married by him read this book.

Please don't do something you would regret. And treat your husband that way you would want to be treated. We all like to feel flattered... but don't do it at the expense of someone elses feelings. Learn to communicate with your husband. Marriage is hard... we are no going to find one person who can fill us up. You need to do things for yourself too. There is no perfect relationship or there would not be a divorce rate as high as ours.

 

[Divinity]

I can't thank you all enough for your advice. I am realizing that we JUST moved back and we live with my brother and fiance and I am trying to get into my routine with work and friends and I just haven't paid enough attention to my husband in getting our new routine together. Then Mr. Hotsy McGee comes along and because I haven't made the time for my hubby, I get all hot and bothered.

Thinking on this, though, I LOVE my husband. This is a man that has been with me through it all - the door was always right there and he always chose me. I remember when he was going through a similar situation and how it made me feel to find out and I just can't do that to him. And in the end with Hotsy, it would be a fling. We tried to make it work back in the day...for four years and it was mostly physical because he didn't want a relationship and I did. As it is, he still doesn't know what he wants and I'm not willing to chuck 8 years for a hot night and a lonely future.

 

[user79]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LadyFaenyx Some people just can't handle that kind of honesty (like telling the husband "So I met a guy and nothing's happened but man, he makes my tummy flutter and gives me butterflies and I find myself thinking about him.")

What is the point of that? It just seems incredibly cruel. I think some things are better left unsaid, I mean if you're not acting on something, but it's just thoughts in your head, why would you tell that to your husband? It seems really cruel and thoughtless, and very disrespectful. If my man said that to me, I'd be crushed, and there would be a huge loss of trust there. You actually say that to your husband? How does he react? "Gee honey, that's great, because you know I've been fantasizing about my co-worker for the past month, her ass is much hotter than yours!"

Sorry, not trying to attack you, but I would never advise someone else to do that...it's normal to have thoughts about other men or guys you know if you're in a long-term relationship...it happens to most people at some point.

 

[blindpassion]

Agreeing with MissChievous...

I know, personally, if I told that to my boyfriend he would be crushed... he would honestly be so hurt and I know it would bother him for a large period of time and cause huge trust issues in our relationship for many many months to come.

Theres definitely a difference between telling your S.O "I feel like theres something lacking in our relationship and it makes me sad and I feel like its important we work on it instead of letting our problems get worse" and "Yeah I met a guy who makes me feel the way you're supposed to make me feel".

Communication is extremely important but proper communication is necessary.

 

[LadyFaenyx]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous What is the point of that? It just seems incredibly cruel. I think some things are better left unsaid, I mean if you're not acting on something, but it's just thoughts in your head, why would you tell that to your husband? It seems really cruel and thoughtless, and very disrespectful. If my man said that to me, I'd be crushed, and there would be a huge loss of trust there. You actually say that to your husband? How does he react? "Gee honey, that's great, because you know I've been fantasizing about my co-worker for the past month, her ass is much hotter than yours!" Sorry, not trying to attack you, but I would never advise someone else to do that...it's normal to have thoughts about other men or guys you know if you're in a long-term relationship...it happens to most people at some point.

Well, we don't look at other people, so we've never had that problem.. I know that might be hard to believe, but it's just something deeply personal to us that we promised each other. But we also promised that if it came down to one of us actually fantasizing about another IRL person, or whatever... we would tell the other person, and be completely honest about it. To figure out what went wrong, that one of us broke that promise. Know what I mean? Obviously this route WON'T work for everyone, haha.

I guess agree to disagree. Everyone believes something different when it comes to relationships, since everyone has different values & beliefs, etc.

I totally understand your reply, and I can definitely see why you think that. Brutal honestly isn't for everyone! haha.