Another Round Of Am I Wrong?

[_tiffany]

I don't know if I'm being too sensitive, so I'm asking for your honest opinions since you all have been really helpful before. The other day, my boyfriend went boating with his friend while I was at work. He texted me and the conversation went something like this:

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing. What are you doing?
Him: Boating.
Me: Still? Who are you with?
Him: Bastards.
Me: Who?
Him: [Friend]'s friends and his dumbest coworker. Want to come to my uncle's? We're going there now.
Me: Are the people you're with all from his work?
[An hour passes]
Him: I have money for you.
Me: Are the people you're with all from his work?
Him: No [other guy] met us with girls and kids.
Me: You're with girls and kids?
Him: No me and [Friend] are going back.
Me: I meant on the boat.
Him: A bunch of bastards.
Me: And girls and kids?
Him: Yea do u want to come over.

Is it weird that he seems to have used terms that suggest only guys were on the boat or is it just me and my trust issues? I think it's shady that he doesn't come out and say, "Oh, I'm boating with [Friend], his coworkers, and these girls", it seems like I have to drag the truth out of him.

I don't see a problem with girls being on the boat, the problem with me is that he seems to have tried to hide it. He says that if he wanted to lie, he would blatantly lie and say it was just him and his friend and that he's hesitant to tell me when girls are around because I'd be mad. I've told him before that as long as he's honest about who he's with, I'm not going to throw a fit about it.

He also said, "Well I invited you". But he "invited" me to his uncle's house, I don't know how to get there, and he didn't even answer my text until over an hour later. Another problem I have comes from this winter when I mentioned going snowboarding with people I know (some of them being guys), he freaked out and acted like it was the end of the world. So it's like he has a double standard. I asked him why it's ok for him to go boating with girls but not for me to go snowboarding with guys and he said it's not the same comparison because he hangs out with this boating friend of his regularly and I don't hang out with anyone regularly.

I'm trying to work on trusting him more, but it's hard for me to do that when he still seems to not be fully honest with me. He keeps saying he's true to me and that I'm just being crazy and need to see a therapist. I told him that we both have to change: I need to work on trusting him more and he needs to work on being more honest with me. But once I say that, he goes back to acting like everything is normal and doesn't even acknowledge what I said. Ugh...I'm so frustrated, it's times like these that I wish I had dated more in high school so I'd be more familiar with dealing with issues like this instead of having to post it on here.

 

[Mabelle]

it seems to me like your looking for something where there is nothing but typical "maleness".

this is another problem with texting. conversations are limited to a sentence or two, you cannot tell the emotion in the text half the time, everything is left up to interpretation. Everything is rushed and impersonal.
I think you shoudl try just speaking to him on the phone so you can read his tone, and get as much information out of him as you want/need. Especially if you feel youre having trust issues with him. Men typically dont feel that stuff like this is important information, so they dont share. Next time instead of drawing out the convo over an hr by txt, just call him, ask him what you want to and let it be.

Personally, if he doesnt have a history of cheating, i dont see the big deal that he didnt initially mention women were there. Thats life. theyll always be women around, and not everyone sees it as a big deal.

 

[LMD84]

yup i think he's just being a typical bloke. sometimes my hubby leaves out random info form conversations that i feel is important but he hasn't given a second thought to.

 

[_tiffany]

He has cheated before, five years ago. It just bothers me that I've said to him before that I think it is suspicious when he leaves out the fact that girls are hanging out.

 

[rutiene]

I reread your old thread here (http://www.specktra.net/forum/f262/o...n-help-165545/). This is going to come off harsh, and I'm genuinely sorry for that. But this is the best advice I can give and something I feel strongly about.

I don't think you're prepared for a relationship. You seem to have major trust/self-esteem issues and while I'm sure the cheating from 5 years ago exacerbated that, it has bee 5 years. If you're not over it by now, I doubt you will be. This is the time for you to become independent and grow. You've been with him since you were 19. It honestly sounds like the relationship is not healthy and will end in great resentment and bitterness for you both if you (or/and him) don't grow up. And this is very hard to do when you're stuck in the same repeating cycles.

VV Yeah I knew it was. But there wasn't a more gentle way of putting it without losing the meaning or impact behind what I was trying to say. I'm not saying it because I want to hurt her feelings, I just don't want her to be unhappy as I've seen so many couples who have made the same mistake are. Maybe I'm biased because my parents are one of those couples and I've felt the direct impact of that unhappiness.

 

[LittleMaryJane]

^ That is a bit harsh, imo.

Anyway, I agree though, it's typical maleness. There might have been girls there but he wasn't interacting with them so he didn't include them... Could be anything. I'd think if he was going to do something skeezy, he wouldn't mention the girls at all.

 

[abbyquack]

I do have to agree with everyone that it just seems like a normal guy. And he did omit it in the beginning but eventually said there were girls there, so it's not like he kept it an entire secret. Plus he invited you over, so it's not like he is having a hey-day without you.

Anyways, to kind of echo what rutiene says, it's not necessarily that you're not ready to have a relationship, but if you can't trust your man, that's not a very fun relationship. So you two should figure out how to regain that trust. It may entail talking to a therapist about your issues. But if there's no effort made to change, then it doesn't matter how long ago he cheated, you will never get over it. And maybe you'll decide you can't get over it, and will have to move on, who knows?

But you deserve a fulfilling, trusting relationship.

 

[kaliraksha]

I think it goes both ways and I say this from my own personal experiences. He's scared to share that he's with girls so he's being vague...he's scared because he is scared of your reaction. You seem like you are trying to catch him in a lie and are getting upset that he isn't sufficiently making you feel safe. Yet, I find what he is doing mostly typical of guys, but definitely a hint of vagueness. I don't see any evidence of you saying "Yes, I'd like to come. Tell me how to get there"... just because he didn't offer all of that information on a plate upfront doesn't mean he didn't want you there.

All of this still points to a lack of trust and I would say from what I've seen you don't trust him and he knows it. Something like trust is a huge basis to a relationship and it will effect every little thing.

I use to feel like I had to know where he was and who he was with all the time for me to feel "safe." I had to rationalize that this really doesn't work in the real world... it's impossible to know where someone is all the time... and even if I did know I didn't want to be with someone where I needed that, I didn't want to live in a world of no surprises. You have to really look inside yourself and figure out what you believe he's capable of doing and go from there. If you earnestly feel like there is a possibility that he could cheat on you at any given moment, then I don't think I would ever feel safe there and would have to move on. Once I realized that I knew he would never have the heart to cause me the pain he once did again, I had a serious talk with him and told him "I can't fault you for your feelings, but what I can fault you for is lying. We have been too good of friends to each other for too long for you to lie to me, if you ever find yourself attracted to anyone else tell me." It took 4 years for me to get to a place where I'm not scared of being hurt like that again, but it wasn't just time that healed the wounds... I worked at it. I made a conscience effort to realize when I was being a little crazy because I wanted to work towards normalcy and he indulges me when I need it, because I made him aware that I would sometimes need that to quiet my inner negative talk. The key difference for me though was that I felt like I always had his support... and a lot of the behavior that made me unhappy and scared (like vague texts) he didn't even realize the type of impact they could have on me. I also realized that there is no 100% guarantee that someone anyone won't cheat on you at any given time. It's a possibility at all times, fear can be debilitating and I had to take control or I would have watched fear eat away at all the good things I had in my relationship still.

Take a little secret breather from your relationship and concentrate on making yourself happy and doing what you would do for yourself if you were single... don't get in contact with him... test the waters and see if he shows more/less interest or if you miss him...or don't miss him, etc... listen to what the breather is telling you. Just for a few days, don't worry about what he's doing or who he's with... (it's what you would have to do if you broke up anyway).. just worry about yourself. You really do deserve to be in a happy, trusting relationship!