Baby weight, depression, and anorexia

[ForgetRegret]

*sigh* I realized yesterday that I'm gross, yucky fatty mcfat fat. I was getting ready to take my little man for a walk to Target (since it's only like...half a mile from where I live, and it's good exercise for me, not to mention he loves going for walks), and since it was hot, I was just going to wear my maternity capris, since they just have a stretchy waistband, and my shirt would've covered it (because I knew I wouldn't fit in my regular pants...cuz I'm fat). Well. Apparently I don't fit in my maternity pants either.

Suddenly, I stopped just being annoyed at the fact that I haven't lost ANY weight since I had the baby (almost 6 months ago), despite honest efforts...and just became depressed and sad over it. We went for our walk, got what we needed, and came home...once I put him to bed around 8, I cried for about an hour.

I know part of my problem is probably the fact that I'm on depo...it'll be out of my system by the end of the month, and I WON'T be going back on it...stupid birth control bullsh*t. ...and yes, for the last couple weeks, I haven't been vigilant about hitting the pool, because I can't muster up the energy or motivation...BUT...I've been eating well (lots of salads, fruits, veggies, whole grains, proteins, etc), and walking a lot at work, plus taking the walks with the baby (about 2x a week), and going to dance once or twice a week. It's not like I'm sitting on my a** eating cheetos, and wondering why I'm fat. Plus the fact that before I lost motivation to go to the gym, I had been going 3x a week, and swimming a mile each day...I'd switch it up, doing sprints, using the hand paddles, kickboard, etc...and all the while, I didn't lose ONE damn pound. Not one. I had kept it up for about a month and a half (then I got the flu, and strep throat, so I was out of the pool for about 2 weeks with that), and during that whole time, I didn't even drop a pant size. I think I just got so frustrated with the fact that I didn't make any progress at all, that THAT'S the reason I haven't been able to motivate myself to go back. I feel like it's useless.

I wasn't just swimming, I was working on my sit-ups and push ups, too (I have a physical readiness test in September that I need to prepare for), so I would've thought that with everything I was doing, and as much as I was watching what I ate, and nourishing my body with what it NEEDS, that I would've seen some sort of results. Now I'm just depressed over the whole thing, and I know it's stupid, so please don't berate me and tell me I'm an idiot (if you're not going to at least TRY and be supportive, keep your goddamn mouth shut, please. I'm depressed enough, I don't need your help in the matter.), but I find myself seriously considering my "high school diet". When I was in HS, I was anorexic...my best friend managed to combat that by getting me to eat jelly sandwiches. So now I'm looking back and thinking to myself that jelly sandwiches seem like a good idea to me. I was still thin (I don't think I was ever unhealthily thin, except when I was in the hospital), but I ate. Granted I didn't eat well...but I ate.

I don't want to be a rail-thin supermodel. I'm not delusional enough to think I'll ever be that. I just want to go back to the weight I was before I got pregnant...it was a good weight for me, I was thin, but I still had fat in all the places a girl needs it. I looked good. More importantly, I was happy when I looked in the mirror. Now I look at myself and just want to throw something at the mirror and shatter it, so I don't have to see what's staring back at me. That girl in the mirror isn't me...she's some fat, disgusting slob trying to pass herself off as me.

I'm on anti-depressants...have been for quite some time...but it seems like this is one thing that the anti-depressants can't help. Although I know they're not a cure-all, or a magic pill...they're usually good at keeping me level...but where this situation is concerned, I might as well not be on anything at all. Which is a little scary, because really...how bad would I be if I wasn't on them?

Sorry for the giant emo dump...I had to get it out somewhere...and I'm so used to putting on a happy face for everyone else in the world, that I feel like this is the only place I can be honest about the fact that I'm really unhappy, and I'm seriously almost at the point where I hate myself. I adore my baby, and I just want to be happy and healthy, so I'm at my best for him.

...like I said up there somewhere...if you're going to reply to this and tell me I'm stupid, or otherwise insult or be rude to me, please don't bother. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all...I've put this thread up here as a cry for help...I just want someone to tell me that what I'm feeling might actually be normal...or maybe that they went through it too...I want someone to help give me ways and ideas to get through this...not make me feel worse than I already do. Thanks.

...and sorry this was so long...if you're still with me...thanks for reading.

 

[Aremisia]

wow, hun. I'm so sorry that you are struggling right now. I feel bad that I don't have any real advice other than the cliched "keep your chin up." I have been trying to lose weight for the past year now, and have been having NO luck at all--but for me, it is just a matter of needing to get motivated instead of depressed. I think because of the prevalence of biggest loser type shows, I expect to see noticable, immediate changes, and i don't.
I do know that working out with a trainer lightened up both my wallet and me. Breaking up the routine, and having someone other than myself to be accountable to were really helpful.
I wish that I could make it all better for you, but I am really hopeful that your taking the step to post here is going to get you on the path to betterness.

 

[cazgh]

You are so definately not stupid honey - please don't think that you are. Sounds like you are really down though and maybe those anti depressants aren't working properly for you?

I gave up smoking 2 years ago now and my weight has just crept up and up and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it but having once been thin and now being much bigger really gets to me too. I do over eat but I think my metabolism has changed as well and my body just isnt dealing with what I'm eating at all - its just storing it all up for some reason.

I'd feel pretty gutted too though if I had done all that work and not seen any reward for it so please don't think your alone. Can you get any help with regard to diet/nutrition/exercise from the Doctors?

Just keep at it though - don't give up - there are loads of people on here who will be there for you if you ever need them - me included

 

[User27]

*****

 

[Shimmer]

You're normal.
Part of it IS the birth control and the hormones. That's a sucky part of being a woman, I guess.

But...now you've got to figure out what doesn't work and what does. Even though you're eating healthy foods, perhaps your caloric intake is still higher than your caloric usage? Definitely don't give up working out, and check out stumptuous.com for all KINDS of woman specific information on fitness.

 

[syrene78]

Hi!

So sorry to hear all your pain and suffering.
Congrats on your beautiful baby though!
Have you ever considered that you might feel depressed as part of a post partum depression?
Pregnancy changes the hormon levels a levels, which affects mood and weight, before and after the birth. Plus the anti-depressants that you might be taking might not be helpful to lose the weight.
I am also pregnant, in my third trimester and my mood is all over the place.
I have been suffering from Hyperthyroidie for a while, which I am on medication for and can affect the mood and weight. Thyroid problems can also be triggered to some women after or during pregnancy and can often be ignored as the symptoms are not really atypical.
You should maybe have a total check up with your GP to test your hormon levels as well as everything else.
Your psychiatrist has to be informed on your real desire to lose the weight and check that your medications are not going against it as it won't help you feel better psychologically anyway. Communication is the key.
Care for yourself and speak up with all your doctors, who are there to help you.
Obviously, you have the energy, will and are doing everything needed to get back to your shape before the pregnancy and it should happen in a few months, or max 6, I assume.
I hope that I get my energy back after my pregnancy and can exercise as much as you do. I am just so tired all the time!
Hang on and you will get there!

 

[ForgetRegret]

Thanks for this ladies...it helps...I just got back from the doctor, and she switched my birth control to Yasmin...it should help with me not being able to lose weight, and all the retarded issues I have with Aunt Flo...and I'm on Wellbutrin and Lithium...Lithium is more likely to cause weight gain (although it's usually simply water retention, due to Lithium being so close to salt on the periodic table...), but Wellbutrin actually tends to cause people to lose weight...so Cas, if that's the only reason you're avoiding Wellbutrin...don't. I was on them both well before I got pregnant, and experienced just a little water retention from the Lithium, but that was quickly taken care of by flushing out my system with tons of water, and the occasional diuretic. The Wellbutrin will also help in the not smoking aspect...people are often put on it to help them quit smoking...and it actually does help a great deal.

I know the anti-depressants are actually working...I went back on them about 3 months after I had the baby (once I realized that BFing was no longer an option...), and there's definitely a huge difference...I feel like a normal person again...just a fat one. Shimmer, nope, there's definitely no way my intake was more than my output...I checked and re-checked my average output of calories on days that I swam, and days that I didn't, and made sure I was always about 500 less than the average. I was too afraid to go any lower than 500, because I didn't want my body to go into starvation mode.

Syrene, you're not kidding about pregnancy changing everything. Apparently baby weight is the hardest sh*t to lose EVER in life. Ugh. I had myself convinced that even though I didn't start working out until 3 months after I had the baby, that by the time he was 6 months old, I'd at least RESEMBLE my former self...and maybe be within 10-15 pounds of my pre-baby weight. I was dead wrong. He'll be 6 months old on July 1st...and here I am, STILL the same weight I was when I left the hospital.

I really wish I had the $$ for a personal trainer...I'm sure I'd do great if I had one...unfortunately babies are expensive as hell. Anyway, thank you all for the suggestions and support...it means a lot.

 

[chiquilla_loca]

i've dealt & continue dealing with baby weight & depression issues, so if you ever want to send me a PM please feel free to. heck, just last week i made a thread here for a fitness journal. i didn't like what i saw in the mirror, my clothes are getting tighter & tighter, my health is going down the drain, and i want to be healthy, so i'm trying to lose weight, cause i look pregnant. also i've been dealling with depression but i've been given anti-depressants in the past, but they don't do anything for me. i'm still dealing with this, and most likely counseling will be my next approach.
you are not alone. you will get through this. specktra in some ways has been a therapy for me, posting, getting advice, and reading others posts.
talk to your doctor, could it be post-partum depression? i was on depo, too for years. but i gained weight mostly because i was mentally anguished, going through mental & physical abuse, and it affected my health terribly.
you have beautiful baby boy to take care of, and you need to take care of yourself too.

 

[Lauren1981]

i am not a mom but i have been on depo before and got off of it after about a year and some months because it was causing severe mood swings and severe weight gain and i would cry for no reason all the time. the weight gain was the worst because i had been a hardcore athlete for 13 years (gymnastics & track) and i quit track as soon as i started college and no joke i went from 115 to 150 in about 3 months and it wasnt' the freshman weight gain becaue i actually started eating LESS than normal with no junk food. i got off depo and dropped 13 pounds the first week and then i started running again and dropped another 7.
i think what you're experiencing is normal. depo f*cks up your hormones and moods on its own so i can't imagine that mixed with the fact that you had a baby not long ago. i always hear about post-partum and depression after having babies. and i've also heard from ALL my friends with babies that it's hard as hell to get your body back. even while exercising and working out. it just doesn't come off as easily as it did before and you probably have to switch up your regimen to something different than what you were doing pre-baby.
i don't have any advice as far as getting the weight off except for exercising. maybe focus more on cardio. and try and set your goals a little smaller like, don't expect huge results overnight. i say that because if they don't happen then you become more upset than if you weren't expecting a big turn-around overnight.
as far as the depression, talking to someone (professional) might help. they don't solve your problems for you but they can possibly point you in the direction towards solving them on your own. that's how it was for me. she didn't solve anything but it felt so good talking to her and getting things off my chest and while i say she, herself, didn't solve anything she definitely opened my eyes to different aspects of my life which helped me out tremendously.
i'm sorry to hear you're feeling this!! i hope everything works out for you babe!

 

[Ruby_Woo]

Why don't you try getting and IUD? I've had mine for 2 years now and I really like it. I like that I don't have to deal w/ periods anymore, and I can totally exercise and I even had tried a diet pill (which didn't work by the way lol) with out it messing up my birth control. The one I have is Mirena cus I wanted something w/ a bit of hormone, but they have the copper with no hormones and a silver one I think it is that last up to 10 years.

hope this helps a bit!

 

[ForgetRegret]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruby_Woo Why don't you try getting and IUD? I've had mine for 2 years now and I really like it. I like that I don't have to deal w/ periods anymore, and I can totally exercise and I even had tried a diet pill (which didn't work by the way lol) with out it messing up my birth control. The one I have is Mirena cus I wanted something w/ a bit of hormone, but they have the copper with no hormones and a silver one I think it is that last up to 10 years. hope this helps a bit!

I considered an IUD, simply for the reason of it being low or no hormone...but then I realized...I spent 9 months desperate to get something OUT of my uterus...um...I don't think I want to put something in there that my body didn't put there on its' own. Plus the idea of them shoving something in there while I'm awake and conscious REALLY freaks me out. They'd seriously have to drug me up to get me to let them do that to me...I don't do well with the vajayjay doctor. Ask me about the plastic speculum sometime, and how it's the worst idea EVER.

Anyway...despite my best efforts over the last day and a half...it seems I've gotten more depressed, instead of getting better. I've been constantly on the verge of tears since last night...after I had a giant crying fit for about an hour. One of those major cries where you think you've cried all the tears you have...and you can't possibly cry anymore...but you do. This really sucks. I don't like being this way...I want to go back to being the happy, upbeat, fun girl that I'm used to being. God, I feel like such a little emo kid... 'I'm so emo my grass cuts itself'.

*sigh* Oh well...I guess I'll keep taking my meds and just hope that this crap evens out soon, while I wait for my next appointment with my psychiatrist. I think I need to go hide from the world for a while...

 

[joey444]

I'm really sorry you feel this way =( You should be so happy after having a baby and at 6 months, they are sooo cute, actually starting to do things and you should be enjoying that. I don't have too much advice as far as meds go but I do agree with the post partum depression. Perhaps between your meds and hormones, it's actually making your depression worse. I know at least for me, after both if my babies, it took a couple months for me to feel hormonally "normal" again.
As far losing weight, don't give up. Now that you are off the depo, you should start seeing some results. I joined a Boot Camp class after my second baby and it whipped me back into shape really quick and the gym had a day care. Maybe you can check if any gyms in your area offer these kinds of classes.
Best of luck!

 

[Girl about town]

Hey honey!!!! I have been there after i had my son and it feels shit!!!
Did you know some Anti depressant medications can cause weight gain, obviosuly don't just stop taking them but maybe talk to your doctor and find out!!!
The main reason for people being overweight despite an active lifestyle and healthy diet is simply taking in more calories than you expend, i joined a site called the daily plate after my son and it helped me track my calories and nutrition and i was so surprised at how many calories i actually ate. It took months to lose the weight but eventually with persistance it came off.

Of course i am going to end up at square one again very soon but i'll be walking like crazy after the birth as i found this really helped me last time.

I also remember a very bleak time after my son was born when he was around 6 months, all the excitement has died down and you start to feel a bit low, take it easy on yourself and take each day at a time!!!

 

[atwingirl]

Many factors can be causing your difficulty losing the pregnancy weight. Even the drugs that reportedly do not cause weight gain in women-Prozac, Wellbutrin, Effexor (the ones that I know about) can make it near impossible. It all has to do with the bodies tendencey to retain water with some of these drugs. There is a syndrome called SIADH which describes this in more detail, I would ask your Doctor about it. Especially if you are maintaining the heathly lifestlye you describe.
The following months after giving birth are hard, I have been there and share in many of the same feelings you have. Truly the last thing you want to do is revisit old habits that will not benefit your body or soul. Not to mention the effects it will have on your little one if you can't nuture yourself and take care of his main lifeline, you. My best wish for you is to find a solution that makes you happy and healthy. I don't think any of of us have the answers that you are seeking but we all seem to share similar hopes for you!

 

[ashschu]

I agree with all the ladies that are saying the various hormones could be causing the weight gain, we all LOVE those side effects from our needed meds!! lol

I don't want to be the Debbie Downer here, but if you are indeed eating healthy and exercising at least 30 mins 3x a week have you considered asking your doctor for some health tests? From what you say you are doing and eating you should definitely be noticing at least a little change in your weight. Have you talked to your doctor about being tested for any Thyroid problems??

Also - and I'm not saying this is AT ALL a possibility for you as it was caused by other circumstances - but a friend of mine just went through the same thing. Eating healthy, exercising religiously and not losing a pound. After testing it was found she had a benign brain tumor caused by Cushings Disease that was causing her to gain weight. As I said, this was caused by other meds she had taken in her lifetime....but it just goes to show that you never know!

I definitely recommend talking to your doc about shopping around for other meds that work for you with perhaps different side effects. Also maybe keep a journal for a week or so with what you ate and how you exercised for each day and you can show that to your doc as well. It might help them pinpoint any problems or give you tips to help you reach your goal!

Good luck, this is very frustrating I know!

 

[ForgetRegret]

Thanks guys...I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I would consider trying out different meds, but this is the only combination that's worked for me so far (I've been on damn near everything...ugh), and I'm more worried about going on something that doesn't work, and then feeling worse because my bipolar isn't under control anymore. It's sort of a catch 22. I don't know...I'm kind of waiting to see what happens when the Depo's out of my system...once it's finally gone, I may very well start to drop...stupid shot. I'll keep my fingers crossed...because when I talked to the doc about not being able to lose weight, she gave me a referral (just like I knew she would) to the nutritionist...despite my explaining that I know how to eat, and I KNOW I'm taking in less calories than I'm burning. Ugh.
I hate people. I hate doctors. I hate military doctors. ...no...I hate civilian doctors working in military facilities, because they think they can treat us like we don't matter. Just because I didn't want to waste the good parts of my life going to med school (although I would've, if I didn't hate school...I wanna be an ME), and don't have a farking medical degree doesn't mean you're better than I am. A**holes. At least the military docs seem to actually give a crap. *sigh* sorry...I hate my Primary Care Manager...she's one of those people who's a total bitch to you, but does it in a nice way, so she can't ever get in trouble. She's completely condescending, and looks down her nose at you. I just wanna punch her in her "I'm effing perfect" face. ...yeah...perfect this, bitch.
K...I'm done.

 

[Karen_B]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way

I was put on anti-depressants (Cipramil) some time ago, and gained close to 40 lbs. It turned out the meds probably messed up my thyroid levels, so when I switched meds I lost a lot of the weight. The last 10 lbs are still there though, and I struggle with liking myself in spite of it. Your situation is different from mine though, since you're bipolar and mightn't be able to switch medications as easily.

Did you experience weight gain from Lithium before? If not, then probably a large part of what you're experiencing is due to the pregnancy and your contraceptive.

I'm sorry i can't be of more help but I hope you get some answers and feel better soon.

 

[ForgetRegret]

^^

It's ok, thanks for responding...every little bit of insight helps. I actually never had a problem with Lithium before...as a matter of fact, before I stopped taking it (after I found out I was preggo), I think I actually lost a couple pounds...don't know if that was the Lithium, Wellbutrin, both, or neither...but losing weight has never been too big of an issue for me...my body used to respond well to diet and exercise, and I'd start seeing progress almost immediately. It's just so damn frustrating to be doing everything right, and see no progress whatsoever...and the longer I keep this weight on, the harder it'll be to lose...and the longer I keep the weight on, the more I hate looking at myself.
It probably sounds stupid and drastic and...utterly ridiculous, but I've kind of started regressing back to high school. When I was in HS, I wore nothing but jeans and black t-shirts...and either sneakers or combat boots...nothing that would even give you a vague idea of what my body looked like underneath. It wasn't until I'd been in the Navy for a couple years that I started getting really girly, and dressing more like a girl...I'd still wear jeans and t-shirts, but they'd be tighter jeans, and babydoll t-shirts. ...anyway...I'm finding myself going back down the high school road, wearing a lot of jeans and black t-shirts again...although it's tough to find shirts, because I got rid of a lot of my old ones, and replaced them with girly ones. *sigh* I quit.

 

[User27]

*****

 

[ForgetRegret]

Well...I don't know about the caribbean market thing...I've been retardedly broke, so I'm kinda living on plain yogurt with granola (and a tiny bit of honey, to make it feel like a snack), rice, and soup. Nutritious. ...oh yeah, and craploads of water...with the occasional cup of green tea, or irish breakfast tea. I'm walking a bunch...working out with 3 different people 3 times a week (it makes sure the workout is varied...the one girl was a competitive swimmer, the guy is a personal trainer, and the other girl is just my friend, but it makes the workout go by faster.), and I just ordered "INSANITY" from BeachBody. LOL I have their 10 minute trainer videos...and I like em...they're very good, I just got tired of having to switch out DVDs when I wanted to do 3 workouts...such a pain. I'm afraid of the insanity videos...they look scary...but if they can produce results even somewhat close to what's on the website, I'll be happy. I know I'll only get out of it what I put in, so I'll be giving it my all, hopefully with something to show for it at the end of 2 months. As long as I'm back within Navy standards I'll be happy...if it takes me longer to lose ALL the weight, then fine...but I want to be back where the Navy says I should be, anyway.
*sigh* It's still depressing as hell, and I'm struggling with it every day...and there are honestly those days where not eating seems like a great idea, and I cry because I hate myself...but we press on and persevere.