Best friend dates a jerk

[lipstickandhate]

I need some advice about what to do. I haven’t been in this situation since I was a teenager and I’m unsure how to proceed.

My best friend has a boyfriend I cannot stand. Like really, really hate. We’ve been best friend for 10+ years and although she’s always dated men I’ve felt weren’t quite good enough for her, I’ve generally liked most of her boyfriends and have gotten along well with them.

Not this guy. He’s constantly dickers with me and all of her other friends, telling us we’re square for having serious jobs and serious lives. He likes to argue with our friend who’s a doctor about the problems with the medical profession and he argues with me about law, politics, anything. He makes video games for a living and is not well paid in the slightest. She is impressed b/c he has a full-time job (her last bf was a bartender who was tenuously employed at best)

He also acts like a 15 year old boy- non-stop skateboarding, still putting together crappy NOFX style bands and getting dumb tattoos. He also has a 10 yr old child he claims he didn’t know about until the kid was 1. He sends money and acts more like an older brother to the kid than like a father. He’s generally just an all-around ass.

Worst of all, dating him has seemingly diffused her career plans. She’s been planning on going to med school (she’s a bit behind the rest of us career-wise) and until she met this guy she’d been studying furiously for her MCATS and was considering going to a 1-yr master’s program to beef up her resume. Now, she’s telling us she’s going to take a year to decide if that’s what she wants to do. She is FAR more interested than he is and it pains me to watch her throwing herself at this guy and mooning over him when he clearly doesn’t feel the same way about her.

NOW. I love my friend dearly: she has been my sister for many years and I would never do anything to hurt her. I haven’t said anything about this guy to her or any of our other friends although I think they all feel the same way I do.

What can I do here? I feel like this guy is an asshole who’s bringing her down- can I say something? Should I say something? I don’t want to see her waste time on this guy and then wonder where her life went but I also don’t want to alienate her or lose her if I say something and she flips out.

Ugh, any responses are greatly appreciated! Thanks for reading all of this!

 

[MACATTAK]

This is a really tricky situation, but I think being a true friend calls for/includes being able to tell someone something they may not want to hear. Since she is your best friend and you consider her a sister I think you should talk to her about this. Make sure you are calm, and do it in a caring way of course. I would talk more about how I notice that her goals seemed to have changed. Ask her what she wants longterm, and ask her where she sees this relationship going. I wouldn't say anything that you mentioned above (you not liking him, he's childish etc) that may come off as an attack, and then she may be less likely to hear you out. Talk to her about it, if she does nothing that's up to her. At least she won't be able to say that you never spoke up.

 

[amoona]

Girl my best friend for many years is dating a major asshole. He cheated on her for the first three years of their relationship and when his best friend told her and she dumped him - he blamed me. Yea because I hang out with you?! He even threatened to kill me! Needless to say, he's psycho. He's verbally abusive towards her and controlling and he crushes every dream she's ever had. Yet she got back with me and says she's going to marry him.

At some point you just gotta step back and let them live their lives. We rarely talk anymore. I love her to death but I have a lot of things going on in my life and I don't have time to babysit. If she wants to be with the guy chances are you can say all you want but she just wont listen.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Quote:

Originally Posted by amoona Girl my best friend for many years is dating a major asshole. He cheated on her for the first three years of their relationship and when his best friend told her and she dumped him - he blamed me. Yea because I hang out with you?! He even threatened to kill me! Needless to say, he's psycho. He's verbally abusive towards her and controlling and he crushes every dream she's ever had. Yet she got back with me and says she's going to marry him. At some point you just gotta step back and let them live their lives. We rarely talk anymore. I love her to death but I have a lot of things going on in my life and I don't have time to babysit. If she wants to be with the guy chances are you can say all you want but she just wont listen.

I just had to say this is really sad, but females are known to sacrifice too much for a male or what they think is love. UHHH!

 

[lipstickandhate]

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience! Every aspect of it sucks- I guess I should be counting my blessings that he isn't physically abusive to her.

I guess the scary thing is, she's acting seriously impressed by this guy. I cannot figure out why. She's like, well he has a job! He is a 40 year old man. He SHOULD have a job. This isn't even something I think about anymore-- you aren't even getting out of the car in front of my building if you don't have a job.

She also seems impressed he takes care of his kid- i.e. give the baby mama $$. YOU HAVE TO, ITS YOUR KID. I'm not impressed when someone does something he is already legally obligated to do.

If this were one of our other friends lives, she would be jumping on board w/how much this guy sucks, what a loser he is and how she'd never date him. But b/c he spoke to HER, every standard she ever had, flew right out the window.

Sad sad sad.

 

[lipstickandhate]

First of all, Amoona, I'm really sorry to hear about your experience! Every aspect of it sucks- I guess I should be counting my blessings that he isn't physically abusive to her.

I guess the scary thing is, she's acting seriously impressed by this guy. I cannot figure out why. She's like, well he has a job! He is a 40 year old man. He SHOULD have a job. This isn't even something I think about anymore-- you aren't even getting out of the car in front of my building if you don't have a job.

She also seems impressed he takes care of his kid- i.e. give the baby mama $$. YOU HAVE TO, ITS YOUR KID. I'm not impressed when someone does something he is already legally obligated to do.

If this were one of our other friends lives, she would be jumping on board w/how much this guy sucks, what a loser he is and how she'd never date him. But b/c he spoke to HER, every standard she ever had, flew right out the window.

Sad sad sad.

 

[lipstickandhate]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves I just had to say this is really sad, but females are known to sacrifice too much for a male or what they think is love. UHHH!

This is true. And what I'm really worried about!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

tell her how you feel. Just choose your words wisely though, because you don't want to hurt her.

My friend doesn't like my "bf" because she feels like he took me away from her. she is starting to say very hurtful things since we are going through a breakup but she kind of pisses me off. And I pretty much ignore what she says because she makes no valid points. your friend will do what she wants to do anyways....in her own time.

 

[SparklingWaves]

This is a very difficult situation. Ultimately, there are many reasons why she is staying with this male. Maybe, she thinks this is the best she can do deep inside.

Personally, I call it "the dumb hormone." It's more powerful than any drug out there. It plays many roles. This is one of them. Women will sacrifice their friendships and future over a male due to this dumb hormone. The hormone tricks them into thinking this male is handsome, treating them well, and loves them. They basically give up everything for the male due to this hormone. They basically become dumb to all logic given and can't for the love of God see what these males really are.

They will defend the male even if the male is on crack, a drunk, beating them up, cursing them out, has the IQ of a 5 y/o, or cheating on them.

You will not find the "dumb hormone" in your medical books, because it's just too secret in the medical community. It's real name is hidden to the public. Additionally, it's also the reason for women going back to abusive relationships and have children with men they hate. I could go on. But, I will stop for now.

Back to your friend, I would tell her that I am very concerned about her postponing her goals. I would ask her why she is doing this. I wouldn't focus on the boyfriend, because I have a feeling she is going to take up for him. Just stay focused on your concerns and don't say, "Hey, ever since you been around that new clown, you have been slacking in your goals. Also, he puts all of us down with pointless arguments, so he can feel good about himself. I notice you don't say a blasted thing while he is doing that." Ah, that's not going to work.

 

[MiCHiE]

I stay out of my friends relationships/love lives. If they're dating a guy I don't care for, I stay away. Telling a friend that her man is no good is just like being a mother dealing with a rebellious teenager---they're going to do exactly what you don't want them to. This is one of the things where you have to step back and allow the person to live and learn.

 

[chocolategoddes]

i can't offer any advice but hopefully yur friend will realize thats she's wasting her time. I have a friend in a similar situation. The guy is a total loser, my friend is such a nice girl, and its like he's holding her back.

 

[Babylard]

Quote:

Originally Posted by SparklingWaves This is a very difficult situation. Ultimately, there are many reasons why she is staying with this male. Maybe, she thinks this is the best she can do deep inside. Personally, I call it "the dumb hormone." It's more powerful than any drug out there. It plays many roles. This is one of them. Women will sacrifice their friendships and future over a male due to this dumb hormone. The hormone tricks them into thinking this male is handsome, treating them well, and loves them. They basically give up everything for the male due to this hormone. They basically become dumb to all logic given and can't for the love of God see what these males really are. They will defend the male even if the male is on crack, a drunk, beating them up, cursing them out, has the IQ of a 5 y/o, or cheating on them. You will not find the "dumb hormone" in your medical books, because it's just too secret in the medical community. It's real name is hidden to the public. Additionally, it's also the reason for women going back to abusive relationships and have children with men they hate. I could go on. But, I will stop for now. Back to your friend, I would tell her that I am very concerned about her postponing her goals. I would ask her why she is doing this. I wouldn't focus on the boyfriend, because I have a feeling she is going to take up for him. Just stay focused on your concerns and don't say, "Hey, ever since you been around that new clown, you have been slacking in your goals. Also, he puts all of us down with pointless arguments, so he can feel good about himself. I notice you don't say a blasted thing while he is doing that." Ah, that's not going to work.

this "dumb hormone" of yours would probably fall under the category of Pharamones, hormones that alter the behaviours of other animals.. LOL

man... my biology classes have been quite influencial on my specktra comments... *chuckles*

anyways yeah, you really gotta tell her somehow... he sounds like the type of guy that will inhibit a person in succeeding.

 

[Jaim]

You can say something, but she will likely get upset with you. Also, she probably can't see the things you see wrong with her boyfriend.

I've got a couple of friends who are in really unhealthy relationships and have been for several years now. They've both come to me crying because of something their boyfriend did or said.

If your friend won't listen to your advice there's not a lot you can do except for hoping and praying that something will make her come to her senses and dump the jerk!

 

[Jujubegirl]

Hopefully she will eventually wake up and realize that he's an immature loser. But if you tell her you don't like him, or talk badly about him, it could hurt your friendship.

I'd recommend trying to deal with the symptoms that their relationship is causing, like her lack of ambition. Try to talk to her about that, and see if you can help her sort out why she is opting out of a good life in order to hang on to a guy. Maybe she's afraid of failing, or even afraid of succeeding. If she could rediscover her ambition, it would likely causer her to lose the loser.

 

[duckduck]

Ug - that just sucks. I am only 24, so I know I don't have as much experience and some others on here, but I would tell her that I wanted to see her succeed, and that I was worried about her postponing her plans. I would also tell her that I loved and cared about her, and believe that she deserves wonderful things in her life. I would ask her to tell me what she felt was good about her relationship, so that I could see it too because I was having trouble understanding it.
That at least was the approach I used talking to my good friend about dating a guy I didn't like (he was ALWAYS up on other girls

), and talking in this way didn't really upset her. Unfortunately, she also married him 2 years after I moved away (he apparently has completely changed...) so I guess it wasn't that effective after all

. Sometimes there just isn't anything you can do - but I still maintain it is worth trying.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Sounds like a total no win situation. If you tell her what you really think of him, she'll get defensive and pissy. If you act like he's awesome, you'll be upset with yourself AND her for not seeing what everyone else does.

It sounds like it will end badly. Maybe not tomorrow and maybe not before something more permanent occurs. All you can do is be prepared to be there when it all goes south

 

[Bootyliciousx]

I think you should talk to her about this, but only once. Approach her in a calm manner when both of you are chill and alone. It doesn't have to be a serious conversation, just like a normal conversation, so there is no tension, this way she won't get embarrassed, sad, or defensive. Don't tell her do anything, just let her know how you feel and what you see. Put that thought in her head, so she looks at him more closely. You don't want to be the third party in their relationship, that just creates drama, but you want to be there for her as a friend.

 

[Beauty Mark]

It's tricky, but maybe if you approach it in a way that doesn't directly deal with him? It sounds like she's changing her life immensely. Express concern over that.

If you want to brooch the subject directly, do it calmly and talk about how you think it's affecting her. You need for it to come off as you care about her and that it isn't about you straight up disliking him and finding him to be a loser.

 

[xsnowwhite]

this is very hard and im going through the same thing! I tried to explain to my friend that he does not treat her well but she ignored me and insisted that I was just jealous. I told her that I just dont want to see her get hurt by him AGAIN but in my case, telling her is useless.

 

[Honey B. Fly]

my bf is an asshole. im so stuck on him its disgusting and i know and can admit it , but i still cant leave. he has really perfect days and then really bad asshole days, the perfect days are what keep me around thru his asshole-ness.

2 be honest, she probaly wont listen 2 u just like i can never listen to anybody.