Best friend/sister in-law is getting married and I'm not happy...

[sasse142]

My sister in-law (she's my husband's brother's girlfriend...Does that make her my sister in-law? Anyways....) just called me and told me that her and my brother in-law went to city hall today and got their liscense to get married. I wasn't happy and tried to show otherwise but I think she noticed my true feeling in the tone of my voice. They've been together 17 yrs and have 4 children (all girls)...oldest is 16 and the youngest is 5 (they're all 3 yrs apart), she had her first child at 15 (sad but true). My BIL is a complete asshole, he's very macho and believes that women have to cater to men...he got that from my father in-law. Worse of all my BIL and FIL are very abusive men (should I mention that my BIL works for the police department). Its so bad that if my mother in-law or sister in-law so much as look the wrong way that'll almost always guarantee them a smack in the face (thanx god hubby didnt' turn out like them). Oh yea and I should mention that my SIL knows that my BIL is out in the street having affairs, her attitude is that if she doesn't see it with her own eyes then its not real, despite the fact that people have told her he's doing his dirt and she her self has heard messages on his voicemail from other women. Anyways, just 2 days ago my BIL and SIL got into it really bad, t'was scary, I was there with her while she cried like a little child. My 16 yr old niece somehow got smacked in the face really hard in the midst of all that drama. I've tried for so many years to give her advice, I also tried to make her realize that her daughters are really suffering (they all get hit as well). I told my SIL that she's teaching her daughters that its ok to be treated that way by a man and its not right. They have the right to fall in love in the future and be truly happy.....LOVE IS NOT SUPPOSE TO HURT. Now she's getting married Thursday and she's estatic, I really feel that my BIL is doing it just to shut her up since thats what she really wants. If nothing changed in 17 yrs I doubt a piece of paper is going to. I'm mad at her cause I know she can do better, she deserves to be truly happy and her daughters shouldn't live in fear in their own house. Yesterday when I spoke to her and told her some stuff and a bit of how I feel she said that she really really loves him and plans to stay with him.

I'm really upset and not happy at all. Its my nieces I'm really concerned about. I feel helpless and wish that I could knock some damn sense into her.

 

[Eoraptor]

Awww. That's really terrible! It's so frustrating when people insist on staying in hurtful situations. Your description of that fight made my heart sink - it had to be painful to experience firsthand. It's that much worse because her horrible choice is harming her children. I'm so sorry for them, her and you! *hugs*

 

[mzcelaneous]

I'm so sorry for them. You should look into contacting your local domestic violence liason (you've probably seen me reccomend this before. It's just that I used to work with them and I've seen them do wonders)

 

[MissMarley]

can you call dept of family services in your area and report this? those children do not deserve to live in a situation like that, and neither does your SIL.

 

[MAC_Whore]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sasse142 ..... ..(should I mention that my BIL works for the police department).......

I don't understand this part of it?

 

[MAC_Whore]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissMarley can you call dept of family services in your area and report this? those children do not deserve to live in a situation like that, and neither does your SIL.

Agreed!

 

[Janice]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MAC_Whore I don't understand this part of it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by sasse142 he got that from my father in-law. Worse of all my BIL and FIL are very abusive men (should I mention that my BIL works for the police department).

I guess we just expect the people that are policing us to be law abiding citizens themselves.... not beating on their wife and kids when they're off the clock.:goofy:

 

[giz2000]

A lot of police officers, fire fighters, etc have a lot of serious problems...more than you would think.

I am sorry that you're stuck in the middle of this, and that your SIL and her kids are also stuck. I hope they get some help (when she eventually realizes that she has a problem).

 

[Another Janice!]

Quote:

A lot of police officers, fire fighters, etc have a lot of serious problems...more than you would think.

yep...in his younger days, my daddy was a real asshole. He's older and wiser now...and no longer a cop..lol.

Thing is....by the time she realizes she wants out....she will be married. And it's a whole lot harder to leave when there is that piece of paper involved. In other words...its easier to break up than get a divorce.

I feel for everyone honey. Short of calling DCFS (which you can do anonymously), you have done everything you can do. You voiced your opinion, the choice is hers to make.

 

[LisaR]

What a sad and frustrating situation for you.

But if she has been with him for 17 years she knows what she is in for. Doesn't make it right but at least she's not innocent to what's going on. The real shame is exposing her daughters whose lives will be affected for years go come.

Since you have no say and apparently no influence in her decision perhaps the best thing you could do is to make sure their daughters know that you can be a safe haven for them always - a place to run to if they're threatened, if they need a safe haven or need to get to a place that's calm and peaceful and loving. Then you will have proof enough to go to CPS or to report to family services regarding abuse.

We can't always correct the problem but sometimes we can help soften the consequences. Good luck! Sounds like your soon-to-be SIL and your nieces have a very caring and loving family member.

 

[jess]

That's awful, I think you should report this to whoever the equivalent of docs is in your country (department of child services) - she obviously has no respect or love for herself and is setting an awful example for her children, I cannot see the point in the marriage after 17 years - would it really make a difference? Obviously this guy is a pig, always has been and always will be, - she seems like a lost cause that won't do anything to change her circumstances but to not prevent the children from having this monster in their lives treating them this way is criminal and inhumane in my opinion. I can't see how she can live with herself knowing that the lives of the 4 children are being engangered and affected.

What a difficult position this has placed you in, what does your husband think?