Bi Women

[eighmii]

I don't know what to do.

I have a boyfriend that I've been with for about a year.. I love him a lot and I want to marry him one day..

To him having sex with a girl is still cheating (and I dont disagree). My exgirlfriend is still one of my best friends.. but he doesnt even want me to ever like stay over at her house or anything. And I'm still young (18 ) so I still like slumber parties! =]

But sometimes I just want to have sex with a girl. Its nothing against him or anything, hes just not a girl. And I don't know what to do.. Because I don't want to just be kindof unhappy.. I love him and by no means do I want to break up with him. I just want to be with a girl sometimes.

How am I suppose to handle this? How do other bi girls deal with this?

 

[Shimmer]

I found someone who a) doesn't consider it cheating and b) is supportive of my feelings without feeling the urge to exploit them.

 

[user79]

I did not know you were bi, Shimmer.

 

[Raerae]

As Shimemr said, you really dont have a choice with him so to speak. In his eyes, he probably see's you wanting to be with another girl as making him less of a man. Because he can't satisfy your every desire.

So yeh... You'd have to find a guy who's OK with you hooking up with another girl, and doesn't see that as a threat to his ego. Not something that looks like a possibility with your current spouse.

Maybe try inviting him for a 3 some =P This way you get to be with a girl, and he gets to be with 2 girls! Win win ;p LOL

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous I did not know you were bi, Shimmer.

This is the first time she openly said it, but she's implied it in many other threads.

 

[Shimmer]

I think I've openly said it once before, but it was a long time ago.
It's not something I've ever felt the need to 'announce'.
I have never really understood the declaration of sexuality, and the need for it.

But yes.








And, in addition to the original question:
You may try reassuring your boyfriend that he meets your needs physically and emotionally, but tell him that sometimes you just like the way a woman feels, smells, and tastes, and though it's different from him, it isn't necessarily better, it's just something you enjoy.

That may (though I doubt it heartily) help.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Explain it to him that it's not emotional attachment but something physical. I think what you're suggesting sounds close to an open relationship. It's not exactly the same, but would you be okay going that route for both of you?

I think you hanging around your exgirlfriend, particularly if he knows you want to hookup with a girl at times, can be really hard on a person. I wouldn't go down that road, if you're thinking about it, and I would be sure to reassure him that nothing sexual will happen between you and her if you stay over at her house.

I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship and have my SO, provided s/he is bi, go off and sleep with other people occasionally, honestly. It depends on your perception of sex, relationships, and love to how you react to such proposals.

I do consider myself bi, in case you were wondering. I just know I couldn't personally handle some form of an open relationship and never felt the urge to sleep with someone who wasn't my SO at the time. I'm not condemning that behavior, but I thought I'd put it all out there.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer I have never really understood the declaration of sexuality, and the need for it.

I'm with you on this one. Always seemed strange to me as well.

 

[Shimmer]

I don't know, I guess it makes it more 'real'?
hm.

 

[Ms. Z]

Sexually being w/someone else is cheating unless you have an open relationship. If he can’t accept that, its not because he thinks it makes him less of a man, its because he is probably straight or even if he’s bi, wants to have an exclusive relationship. Would you think its cheating if he wanted to have a sexual relationship w/another man? How about if he wanted to be w/another woman (w/o you being involved w/her too)?

It’s great that you are honest w/him, that way he gets to make a choice of getting involved (I feel that its very important to get this out in the open from the very beginning). If he doesn’t, neither one of you should take that personal, you want different things.

Although some guys would jump at the chance to be w/a bi woman, there are some who don’t and want a totally exclusive relationship.

I know two bi-woman, one is married & shares the girlfriend/s w/her mate. The one like exclusive relationships, when she is w/a man she is only w/him, when her mate is female, she is only w/him.

 

[sexypuma]

I don't think it has anything to do with being bi. Even straight people sometimes are tempting to sleep with other people. Unless you are in an open relationship, sleeping with anybody else than your SO is cheating. I have a very close friend who is bi. She stays with only 1 person at a time. Right now she is dating a guy and she hasn't attempted to hook up with any women even though we all know the attraction is there. Bottom line, if it's that important to you (seeing women from time to time) you should try to be in an open relationship.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexypuma I don't think it has anything to do with being bi. Even straight people sometimes are tempting to sleep with other people. Unless you are in an open relationship, sleeping with anybody else than your SO is cheating. I have a very close friend who is bi. She stays with only 1 person at a time. Right now she is dating a guy and she hasn't attempted to hook up with any women even though we all know the attraction is there. Bottom line, if it's that important to you (seeing women from time to time) you should try to be in an open relationship.

It's only cheating if it's outside the agreed boundaries between the people in the relationship.


If I'm out at the climbing gym, and one of the girls there and I are sexual lightning in a bottle, and BAM we're making out in the cave, my husband doesn't consider it cheating, unless I hide it. If I hide it, or if I start putting her before my husband/marriage, THEN it's cheating.
If I make out with a girl while I'm out on a rock, or at the mall, or at a restaurant...that's just a good story to tell as far as we're concerned, because it's within the boundaries we've defined in our relationship.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. Shimmer I haven’t read the entire thread however this is what I’ll say on the subject. I know my wife is bisexual. While I have no desire to join in a threesome (been there and done that) I am aware that she has an itch that I can not scratch. Were any of the situations that she has presented thus far (and trust me I’ve acted out all of my potential reactions to her) to happen I’d be totally fine with them. It’s called trust. My ego does not reside in physical reaction it resides in a happy and fulfilled family. Subsequently were she to meet someone rock climbing and one thing led to another I’d probably wash her face and ravage her when she got home because her being physically satisfied is pretty hot. But that’s just me and I’m an anomaly. I don’t define or dictate what other people think is right and wrong I just know what is within the walls of my household.

I asked him his opinion.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer I think I've openly said it once before, but it was a long time ago. It's not something I've ever felt the need to 'announce'. I have never really understood the declaration of sexuality, and the need for it. But yes. And, in addition to the original question: You may try reassuring your boyfriend that he meets your needs physically and emotionally, but tell him that sometimes you just like the way a woman feels, smells, and tastes, and though it's different from him, it isn't necessarily better, it's just something you enjoy. That may (though I doubt it heartily) help.

Yeah, I've tried this. I just don't think he understands. He tried to make a joke out of it and say "well what if I want to have sex with an asain schoolgirl.. You're just NOT an asian schoolgirl". He doesnt realize that I'm trying to be serious with him and explain how I really feel.

Quote:

I don't think it has anything to do with being bi. Even straight people sometimes are tempting to sleep with other people. Unless you are in an open relationship, sleeping with anybody else than your SO is cheating. I have a very close friend who is bi. She stays with only 1 person at a time. Right now she is dating a guy and she hasn't attempted to hook up with any women even though we all know the attraction is there. Bottom line, if it's that important to you (seeing women from time to time) you should try to be in an open relationship.

I don't really agree. I don't think its the same. Its not like I want to go out and sleep with one particular person. Its an entire sex. Well not the entire sex

but you get it.

And I could never be in an open relationship. If he was bi - though I would find it a little weird ( I shouldnt.. but I would) I would let him be with men. As long as he wasnt putting them before me. But him being free to be with other girls - yeah thats not happening. Just like I would never ever want to be with another guy.



And Shimmer, I would love for my boyfriend to read what Mr. Shimmer (

) said. He makes some good points. I'm just scared for him to read this thread.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexypuma I don't think it has anything to do with being bi. Even straight people sometimes are tempting to sleep with other people. Unless you are in an open relationship, sleeping with anybody else than your SO is cheating. I have a very close friend who is bi. She stays with only 1 person at a time. Right now she is dating a guy and she hasn't attempted to hook up with any women even though we all know the attraction is there. Bottom line, if it's that important to you (seeing women from time to time) you should try to be in an open relationship.

I was gonna respond but you just said everything I would have said.
I agree.. cheating is cheating No matter what your sexual orientation is, being bi isnt an excuse to have sex with other people, that doesnt make it ok to do, UNLESS you are in an open relationship and like shimmer said its gotta be within the agreed boundaries between the people in the relationship

 

[Shimmer]

I understand completely, eighmii.
It's hard, when in your situation, to share it. :/

 

[*Stargazer*]

The girls are right. You have to either accept that he considers sex with anyone other than him to be infidelity or you need to find someone that doesn't. You have to decide which is more important to you, being free to have sex with women or being with this particular person.

It isn't easy, good luck!

 

[eighmii]

You all make it sound like its so easy to just up and go get another boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with HIM. I just want him to see my side of the story.



And we had a talk last nite. I couldn't get much out of him. But I used points that were made (basically just by Shimmer) in this thread. He said that if anything like that happened that a) he wouldnt break up with me and b) he would still love me but c) he wouldn't be happy. He said he needed some time to think about it and we would continue our talk tomorrow..

Hopefully it turns out good. =/

This is the only problem I see in our relationship right now. If we can work this out then I will be the happiest person in the world. Because he really is an amazing boyfriend.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Quote:

If I'm out at the climbing gym, and one of the girls there and I are sexual lightning in a bottle, and BAM we're making out in the cave, my husband doesn't consider it cheating, unless I hide it. If I hide it, or if I start putting her before my husband/marriage, THEN it's cheating.

That sounds like the beginning of some porno. I'm sorry, Shimmer, but that made me smile.

Quote:

You all make it sound like its so easy to just up and go get another boyfriend. I love my boyfriend. I want to be with HIM. I just want him to see my side of the story.

It isn't easy to find someone else you love (I don't think it's impossible, though, and you're still pretty young), but it also isn't fair to expect him to "see your side of the story." It isn't really moral issue or a black and white one. Everyone has a different set of values, and I don't think monogamy is that awful or that major generally to ask out of someone. Every single couple has its boundaries of what constitutes cheating. Shimmer's relationship is more open than a lot of people's, and I think it's great her husband respects and is fine with what she does. However, a lot of people wouldn't be, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If you both already know it's going to be a rather major issue (and what one views as infidelity is a major issue, and it isn't something you can easily sway a view on), I'm not sure if I'd continue on with that relationship. If this guy is your friend, you risk losing a friend along with your boyfriend.

I just hope he is truly honest with you, because having seen people try to make the open relationship thing work in any context (one-sided, both parties) when they're not fine with is very sad and difficult for the people. Jealousy and insecurity happen so frequently, people say things that they can't take back, and it's just a mess.

 

[eighmii]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Beauty Mark That sounds like the beginning of some porno. I'm sorry, Shimmer, but that made me smile. It isn't easy to find someone else you love (I don't think it's impossible, though, and you're still pretty young), but it also isn't fair to expect him to "see your side of the story." It isn't really moral issue or a black and white one. Everyone has a different set of values, and I don't think monogamy is that awful or that major generally to ask out of someone. Every single couple has its boundaries of what constitutes cheating. Shimmer's relationship is more open than a lot of people's, and I think it's great her husband respects and is fine with what she does. However, a lot of people wouldn't be, and there's nothing wrong with that. If you both already know it's going to be a rather major issue (and what one views as infidelity is a major issue, and it isn't something you can easily sway a view on), I'm not sure if I'd continue on with that relationship. If this guy is your friend, you risk losing a friend along with your boyfriend. I just hope he is truly honest with you, because having seen people try to make the open relationship thing work in any context (one-sided, both parties) when they're not fine with is very sad and difficult for the people. Jealousy and insecurity happen so frequently, people say things that they can't take back, and it's just a mess.

I understand that he may never see my side. He just doesn't get it because he's not bi. So he doesn't really understand what I'm going through, ya know? I'm just trying to get him to understand that I am perfectly happy with him. 100%. As a man. Theres just some "itches that he cannot scratch". It doesn't make him any less of a man, I dont love him any less, I just want to be with a girl sometimes.

I'm not breaking up with him. And I'm not going to be in an open relationship. If he really has strong feelings against this whole situation then I'll just have to deal with it. I might be unhappy about it, and it will slowly like eat at me.. but I'll deal with it. I love him a lot. And I know I'm young and everything, but I think you can be in love when you're young. And maybe this whole thing will just make us stronger. I know it already has to some extent because I've been very open and honest with him when I brought this up last nite.

So.. we'll see what happens. =/