boyfriend woes

[msburgundy]

so, I just need to vent. If anyone wants to listen and give advice, I welcome it. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, we have lived together for most of that. He's always sort of been on his own planet and done things in his own way. He is spoiled and rather self centered. All things I've put up with and been ok with until recently. I know everyone has their own issues. He has been so depressed, unhappy, grumpy and easily frustrated for a several months now. Yet, he does nothing to change his situation. He told me about a month ago that he wanted to live on his own for awhile, but stay together with me.
at first, I thought it might be a good idea. Then, the more I thought about it, it started to make less sense. I mean, he's already self centered, wouldn't living on his own make him more self centered? He has pushed me away more and more. He doesn't talk to me much, kiss me or anything. I've told him over and over again that I love him and I am willing to work things out with him but I can't deal with being ignored any longer. Still, no change. things only have gotten worse.

So, last night I told him I think it's time to break up. He took it as a total surprise. ??? He thinks I am being extreme. He is really pissed and said, fine you can have all our stuff I'll be completely moved out by tommorrow night.

I told him I think that's a rash decision and that we should take it step by step. He's leaving for vacation in a few days and will be gone for three weeks, so I thought it would be a good time for him to think about things and look online for a new place to rent. I just don't like how he hates me now, like I've ruined his life.

I feel so bad, I really did want everything to work out for us. But, how can I have a relationship with someone like this? It's so confusing. He doesn't listen to everything I say, he only hears what he wants to hear.
I understand he's upset, but was hoping he would either be mature about the whole thing or beg for me to stay. I think I am doing what's best for both of us and am trying to keep that in mind.
Thanks girls, I feel better already.

 

[amoona]

I'm not relationship specalist but I don't blame you for what you did. I'd probably do the same. When someone pushes you away it's very hard to stay in that relationship. I've never lived with my boyfriend or anything like that, and I won't be until he becomes my husband, but I couldn't imagine living with someone and being ignored by them. I couldn't even imagine my SO saying he wants to move out after 8 years!

It'll be good for the both of you especially since he's going away for three weeks. Maybe he'll decide he can change and wants to change or maybe he'll decide he really doesn't want to be in a relationship. Whatever it turns out to be at least he'll have time alone to think about it.

If he hates you know that's understandable, he's hurt. But explain to him that you're hurt by how he's been treating you. It'll all work out, it always does.

 

[msburgundy]

thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by amoona I'm not relationship specalist but I don't blame you for what you did. I'd probably do the same. When someone pushes you away it's very hard to stay in that relationship. I've never lived with my boyfriend or anything like that, and I won't be until he becomes my husband, but I couldn't imagine living with someone and being ignored by them. I couldn't even imagine my SO saying he wants to move out after 8 years! It'll be good for the both of you especially since he's going away for three weeks. Maybe he'll decide he can change and wants to change or maybe he'll decide he really doesn't want to be in a relationship. Whatever it turns out to be at least he'll have time alone to think about it. If he hates you know that's understandable, he's hurt. But explain to him that you're hurt by how he's been treating you. It'll all work out, it always does.

thanks. I really appreciate any support I can get. I am feeling like, how did I get here? I do understand that he's upset and that actually makes me feel better. It's really frustrating to know he has potential, but refuses to use it. I have faith that things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to.

 

[amoona]

Quote:

Originally Posted by msburgundy thanks. I really appreciate any support I can get. I am feeling like, how did I get here? I do understand that he's upset and that actually makes me feel better. It's really frustrating to know he has potential, but refuses to use it. I have faith that things will work out in whatever way they are supposed to.

girl i totally know what u mean about the "how did i get here feeling". my bf n i have problems too, nothing that we do but more about who we are. i'm muslim, he's christian, that's a no-no in both are middle eastern families. so even though everything else is great i sometimes get that feeling too.

i jus figured, like you said, things will work out in whatever way they're supposed to. you'll be fine. and the only reason you feel better knowing he's upset is because after all this time of him pushing u away he showed he cared by being upset.

 

[msburgundy]

I got a chance to talk to him today and he apologized for being nasty. He said he was just really upset and would like to talk about it tonight. So, we'll see. I am still going to stand my ground on breaking up though. I think it is better for both of us right now.

Thanks for making me feel better!

 

[n_c]

^^^ I think that's a good decision on your part...you need to find that ground where you feel happy and calm and not stressed out...hope that makes sense...good luck

 

[kimmy]

males are generally just overly dramatic. i broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months because i couldn't stand him lying to me anymore about where he was and who was talking to...and when i said i wanted to end it, he acts like i'm the bad guy. i never lied to him once! i really wanted things to work out for us, at the beginning i thought i was going to marry this guy.

but you're right to stand your ground. if this is what you want, do not let him talk you out of it (he will, they always do) and just tell him straight out you won't be talked out of your decision and it's a waste of his time to try. maybe breaking up with him is what he needs to really realize that he needs to change!

good luck

 

[msburgundy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by THE ANTHEM males are generally just overly dramatic. i broke up with my boyfriend of 9 months because i couldn't stand him lying to me anymore about where he was and who was talking to...and when i said i wanted to end it, he acts like i'm the bad guy. i never lied to him once! i really wanted things to work out for us, at the beginning i thought i was going to marry this guy. but you're right to stand your ground. if this is what you want, do not let him talk you out of it (he will, they always do) and just tell him straight out you won't be talked out of your decision and it's a waste of his time to try. maybe breaking up with him is what he needs to really realize that he needs to change! good luck

thanks, sorry to hear about your relationship. I was reading your post earlier. It is so disapointing. At least you weren't together too long.
I really do think that splitting is better for both of us. Being together so long, we became so dependant on each other. I have to keep reminding myself that I am my own person and I don't need him. I used to be so strong. I want to try and keep the split as cordial as possible. We do care about it each other so, maybe some day he'll wake up, maybe not. I told him he'll probably meet some girl and marry her after like a month or something!
We have two dogs and I am giving him visitation rights

 

[giz2000]

Quote:

Originally Posted by msburgundy I got a chance to talk to him today and he apologized for being nasty. He said he was just really upset and would like to talk about it tonight. So, we'll see. I am still going to stand my ground on breaking up though. I think it is better for both of us right now. Thanks for making me feel better!

In all honesty, I think you did the right thing as well...you have to stand up for yourself and the way you feel...and he'll always be self-centered...that's the way he is. If you can live with someone without ever wanting them to change, with all their flaws and misgivings, then more power to you...if you can't, well...you know the rest.

 

[msburgundy]

update on my situation for anyone interested. I am SO happy. Breaking up with this jerk was the best decision I think I've ever made. I am still working on getting him completely out of my life with the idea that maybe someday we could be friends. After the break up he has been acting like a spoiled child that didn't get his way. I have dated a couple different guys and I am learning a lot about how dating works.

Recently though I think I've met the man of my dreams! I truly did not think someone this amazing existed. He is happy, motivated, successful and is totally into me! We feel exactly the same way about each other. He is a little older than me and has dated several girls but has never been in love. He told me the other day that I bring out all these feelings in him that he has never felt before and sometimes when he's around me I make his heart all fluttery. It is SO nice to be appreciated! He has been good friends with a friend of mine for about 10 years too so I feel like it's a little easier to trust him. I am so excited for our future!

 

[Janice]

Thanks for the update! Glad to hear you're moving on and experiencing new people, it can be a real eye opener. Best of luck with the new gentleman.

 

[Bybs]

msburgundy I'm so happy for you. I was with my ex for 8 years also and could only see the pain and heart ache that he'd caused me when I was far removed from the situation. Congratulations girl for standing up for yourself and living your own life. All the best with your new man, he sounds like a winner.

 

[msburgundy]

thanks Bybs! I couldn't agree more. I always knew it wasn't right but the further I get from him the more and more I realize how emotionally abusive our relationship was.

I am so excited for my new love! He is an amazing man and the best part is he thinks I am amazing! I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to come into my life

 

[NutMeg]

Thanks for the update, I'm glad things are going well for you.