Bullied

[metal_romantic]

This is hard to share but I wondered if anyone else had similar experiences. I finished school 6 years ago but my experiences with bullying still affect me now. I went to 4 different schools and had bad experiences at each. Every time I changed schools I thought things would get better but would be bitterly disappointed. There was a lot of rejection, exclusion, etc. but also physical abuse, threats, and constant harassment. The physical stuff was awful and scary, but what was most damaging was the hurtful words. I tried ignoring them, and tried standing up for myself, but nothing worked. I know that bullies target people who are different to them, eg. different race, skin colour, differently abled, etc. (which is AWFUL). I was not "different" in any way that really stands out to me, but for some reason I was always a "target" for hatred wherever I went. It still affects me now, I have nightmares, and when I saw one of the worst bullies in the supermarket a while ago I and was literally shaking. No-one has been able to help me so far. I read stories of other girls who have been on the receiving end of bullying, but they always have a happy ending- eg. the teachers put an end to it, or they move schools and are accepted at their new school and thrive. This has not been the case for me. It's like a dark shadow that follows me everywhere. Has anyone had (or know of anyone who has had) a similar experience?

 

[panther27]

Yes,I know EXACTLY where you are coming from.I too was bullied for years in middle school and high school because of my disability.I was tormented for years,by A LOT of kids,so many terrible experiences.I graduated 13 years ago,and I have nightmares to this day of the bullying.It's scary,and if someone tells you,well it's so long ago,it's not that simple.Something that terrible stays with you,it's not like I want to remember that.I just wake up and tell myself that I'm okay now,I'm in a safe place.And yeah,it sucks when you see bullies still,I do too.
Also I don't know if you heard,but my town was in the national news because a girl in my town was bullied at the high school I went to and she killed herself.It was so so sad.Unfortunately bullying is a common occurence,it's so messed up.

 

[metal_romantic]

Sorry to hear you had a bad experience too, but thanks for sharing it with me. I hope you can heal. I don't know how to myself, but I hope we will both find a way.

It's very sad to hear about that girl. For a while, i had kids telling me to kill myself. When the Columbine massacre happened, they told me that if they had guns, they would kill me. How can people be so evil that they want me to die? I try to tell myself that they couldn't mean it, deep down, but they were very convincing.

 

[LMD84]

i'm so sorry to hear about what you've been going through. seriously people can be horrid

i wasn't really bullied myself. i didn't have many friends, and still don't really, but nobody was particularly mean to me. the only thing i can suggest is perhaps going to a therapist would be good?

 

[sparklemint]

That's terrible! I was bullied alot in middle school, so it got to the point that I developed major social anxiety problems which made things harder in HS because I had such a hard time making friends and I was picked on my freshman year too. Even now I'm still dealing with these problems. It's affected how I see myself physically, and hindered me when it comes to opening up to people and dealing with guys.

But you can gain something from being in that position. It has made me more consious about how I treat others, because I know how much it hurts. You can also use it as a motivator in a way. It motivates me to work harder, sort of like a "I'll show them" type of attitude. Sure it's a little immature, lol, but there's a type of satisfaction that comes with proving people who doubt you wrong.

If it's really bothering you then you should see a therapist. Sometimes it's good to get something like that off your chest and have a sympathetic but helpful listener.

 

[abbyquack]

I was lucky to not have been bullied much in school; I had a couple minor experiences, nothing too bad. But I do know that a lot of the way I act today is molded by the way I was treated by peers in school. I was very shy, so I spent a lot of time listening and observing my peers, and I saw how fake a lot of them could be, like how they'd be nice to someone to their face and then treat them like crap behind their back. I basically assumed that if they did that to others then they could do it to me, so I don't trust most people.

ANYWAYS what this boils down to is that our lives are so heavily impacted by how we were treated by kids. Kids. It's weird right, because when I think of kids, I don't think of snot-nosed bullies. But truly kids can be mean to each other. Meaner than adults in many cases. So just remember when you think about it, that they were kids when they did it. They didn't have the best judgment in all aspects of life, had no idea how their behavior would impact others (I'm sure we all did stupid, senseless things at that age) and most likely they don't look back in pride on their behavior. If they aren't sorry, then they're probably deadbeat people anyways, so be glad that you're not at their level. So I think forgiving the kids that treated you that way is a great way to heal. You don't have to contact them, or ever see them again, but in your mind you can let go.

With that being said, this may not stop the nightmares or other anxieties, so have you talked to a counselor? If you haven't, it might be a good time to start. I know it can be expensive, but it's worth it if you don't want these issues consuming your life. I mean if it's truly hindering your ability to live a happy, fulfilled life, then definitely invest in a good counselor. I have a cousin who was severely bullied and now as an adult, he deals w/ a lot of insecurities to the point where he hasn't had a job in 5 years b/c he's got anxiety to work w/ other people. It's sad, I wish he'd get some help.

Anyways, I ramble sorry! But good luck to you, please keep us posted on any developments, I wish you the strength to get past this!

 

[Holy Rapture]

with Abby!

 

[metal_romantic]

Thanks all.

Quote:

So I think forgiving the kids that treated you that way is a great way to heal. You don't have to contact them, or ever see them again, but in your mind you can let go.

I understand this, but it's much easier said than done.

I have seen counsellors/psychologists/psychiatrists but it didn't really help as they can't answer the question at the root of it: "why was/am I a target?"

 

[metal_romantic]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklemint But you can gain something from being in that position. It has made me more consious about how I treat others, because I know how much it hurts. You can also use it as a motivator in a way. It motivates me to work harder, sort of like a "I'll show them" type of attitude. Sure it's a little immature, lol, but there's a type of satisfaction that comes with proving people who doubt you wrong.

Very good points!

Sorry to hear of your experience

You say it affects the way you see yourself physically- I can relate to that. Have you found anything that helps? I'm reading Kelly Osbourne's book and she says that when people call her something like "ugly", she says "that's okay, I have enough people in my life who don't think I'm ugly". I will use that if I need to, but the thing is that nobody has said that for years, but it's still fresh in my mind, so I'm afraid that people are THINKING it and just not saying it. It's silly in a way because if someone thinks I'm ugly, so what? I mean, it's not going to ruin my life or stop my family from loving me, or make me less of a person or anything. I know in theory that the only way to view yourself as separate from others' opinions (and I know that even if someone says "you're ugly" they may not even believe that themselves) is to place less value on what they say, which includes positive comments, as you can't become too reliant on positive comments either- you can appreciate them and feel good but not treat them as the be-all-and-end-all... but this is harder to really LIVE.

 

[sparklemint]

For me it depends. My feeling about my looks go on and off and really coresspond with my mood. Somedays I feel really pretty but other days I look at myself and see someone repulsive. I realized that subconciously I sort of base my perceptions of myself based on how others perceive me which is isn't really good.

I heard this bit of advice and it really helps when it comes to image problems. Which is telling myself that "even if I don't feel pretty, I at least look okay". And that there's nothing wrong with looking "okay". Then little by little you build it up to "maybe there are some good points to my looks" and focus on something that is good about you. So you keep building up a positive image of yourself little by little till you appreciate your looks. Cause if you jump right in and say "Wow I'm gorgeous!" then chances are, if your self-image isn't that great, it'll be hard for you to believe. You have to take small steps.

Quote:

It's silly in a way because if someone thinks I'm ugly, so what? I mean, it's not going to ruin my life or stop my family from loving me, or make me less of a person or anything.

I think that's the most important thing. At the end of the day, the reality is that looking pretty isn't as a big of a deal as we're told. If you keep that in mind it makes things a whole lot easier.

 

[Pink_minx]

I was in a similar situation as well. Through out grade school to high school I was teased. High school not as much...more of rumors about me. It was really difficult and it made me angry at the same time because these people dont know who I really am and they think they can just say shit to you. I used to always think about the things I've should have done to make myself cooler or prettier and use to wish I had certain material things to make me look better. But after I finished High School a whole lot of weight lifted off my shoulders and I slowly let go of all the negativity that was said to me or about me. I mean I did kind of miss it because of the friends that I had. They were so supportive and non judgemental. I wouldnt have survived my middle school and high school years without them. And I think thats the most important part about looking back at your experiences. That is, the people who were there for you during those times. Whether it was your family or friends. You see that you had people that love and care for you no matter what you looked like and for me it basically erased all the negativity that I had in my life during those years.

I think thats the only way that you can heal from your past and that is to see what you have now, like your family and friends. I know it must have been traumatizing to you because you still feel haunted by these memories its something that you can never forget, but it will only help you grow stronger from those experiences.

And about the reason why you were the target...which you probably might have heard already is that these kids/teenagers also have their insecurities. Some of these people feed off of hurting others, or they just want to fit in and is afraid of being bullied so they do it to other people to make themselves look good or feel superior. They were all immature and cruel for whatever they have done to you. But just know its all over! I think I saw a show about people being bullied on the Tyra Banks show or Dr. Phil show Im not sure but they did interview people who bullied others and asked why they did it...its interesting. I will try to find a link or you can try to look it up.

 

[snowflakelashes]

Honey,

There is no reason why. Those kids simple picked you for no good reason. It's really easy to get caught up in group mentality. I think that until you let go of the why. There is no kind of logic or justification to what they did, chances are most of them have no clue why either.

I know it makes it hard for you to find internal validation when you've not had that external acceptance. I'm not skilled with the psychological stuff I avoid it but that's what you need, to help you learn patterns of thought that allow you to drown out the negative bullying voices that are stuck in your conciousness with new self supportive thoughts. It's hard hard work I'm sure, but you have made some first steps by seeking help to try and live you're life as you are meant to.

I've never been popular but I have never been bullied at that level. Bullying stopped against me in Jr. High School. At least the name calling nasty kind. I did felt froze out from time to time but nothing nasty nasty after about grade 7 or 8. (And even then they were usually hollow threats like "I'm going to beat you up!" or minor name calling).

My friends who did get bullied though they are still affected. I can tell, they still seek external approval everywhere. Even though we're getting to our early 30's there is still a level of unsureness. I really think the only answer is therapy, psychology a LOT of it. And a willingness and true desire to move past it to not let your past define you. Obviously I've never 'been there' so I don't know from experience.

I do hope you find help to help you move past it. Its sad that our pasts tend to control so much of our presents.

 

[metal_romantic]

Here are some links I just found:

What is Bullying?
(focused on workplace bullying but applicable to other situations, eg. school)

Myths about School Bullying


What Does Bullying Do To My Health?
Eek, I have or have had everything on that list... :S

Brain scan shows rejection pain
(a very interesting article about how rejection and exclusion affects the brain in the same way as physical pain)


I tried to search for charities in my country & state that raise awareness, help children who are bullied, that kind of thing- I thought I could perhaps volunteer... but I can't find any. I think that's sad.

 

[panther27]

Yeah the town I live in,South Hadley,has been all over national news because a 15 year girl killed herself because she was bullied.It's so sad

 

[Courtney <3]

I live in kentucky and at a high school near mine they had a girl die every year for about 3 years in a row because of this.

I too was bullied so bad to the point where I ended up doing online classes just to get away from it all. But on the plus side I got to graduate early

I used to self harm myself really bad too. But sometime in the near future I plan on getting a tattoo of a white dove done over it, as a way of forgetting my past.

I feel like there should be something we can do to stop bullies from causing people harm. I also feel like some schools dont care enough about it.

Any one else agree?

 

[Mabelle]

The reason for bullying is simply that they are insecure and scared. By picking on you it makes them looks more "powerful" in comparison. And by continually being scared of them, you continue to give them the power. I'm betting these kids had a lot of issues at home, or self esteem issues they were trying to deflect from, situations that they felt absolutely powerless in. Remember, kids that bully are not usually happy kids.

I was a bit of a bully. I wouldn't say i picked on kids constantly, but i was mean. I had a messed up family situation, i looked different, i didn't fit it... so instead of being "meek" i was tough as shit and anyone that even looked at me the wrong way i gave a hard time too. I challenged anyone. Including all the bitchy popular girls. Including gang members. But i kind of stood up for a lot of the kids that felt that they had no voice. I was def. not popular (but people were intimidated by me, and somewhat respected me) and kept telling people not to take any shit from the popular bitches/assholes.

I realize that years of bullying leaves an emotional scar. But the more you dwell on the harsh words, the longer the scars will take to heal and the more you will start you believe these things. You absolutely need to talk to a professional.

 

[Care]

I don't have a reason as to why kids feel the need to bully others, but have you thought about seeking professional help? Maybe a therapist could help you get past the hauntings you have from your experiences.

 

[hawaii02]

Quote:

Originally Posted by snowflakelashes Honey, There is no reason why. Those kids simple picked you for no good reason. It's really easy to get caught up in group mentality. I think that until you let go of the why. There is no kind of logic or justification to what they did, chances are most of them have no clue why either. I know it makes it hard for you to find internal validation when you've not had that external acceptance. I'm not skilled with the psychological stuff I avoid it but that's what you need, to help you learn patterns of thought that allow you to drown out the negative bullying voices that are stuck in your conciousness with new self supportive thoughts. It's hard hard work I'm sure, but you have made some first steps by seeking help to try and live you're life as you are meant to. I've never been popular but I have never been bullied at that level. Bullying stopped against me in Jr. High School. At least the name calling nasty kind. I did felt froze out from time to time but nothing nasty nasty after about grade 7 or 8. (And even then they were usually hollow threats like "I'm going to beat you up!" or minor name calling). My friends who did get bullied though they are still affected. I can tell, they still seek external approval everywhere. Even though we're getting to our early 30's there is still a level of unsureness. I really think the only answer is therapy, psychology a LOT of it. And a willingness and true desire to move past it to not let your past define you. Obviously I've never 'been there' so I don't know from experience. I do hope you find help to help you move past it. Its sad that our pasts tend to control so much of our presents.

I am just going to ditto all of this. I've had to go into counseling twice to deal with those emotional issues and negativity that people caused from teasing and bullying me. Generally, it was not of major proportions as some of you, but enough to affect how I've seen myself. You are not alone in wondering why people do bully or why you feel you are an easy target. It took me until I was 22 before I started "finding" people that seriously wanted to be with me as a friend or otherwise. I didn't trust a lot of people and STILL have anxiety issues because of the bullying and teasing. Please look into counseling if you have not. It will at least help you talk and sort out the negative feelings. I wish you the best of luck

 

[Courtney <3]

I've been in counseling off and on since 8th grade. I too have also found it hard to have a relationship with anyone. friend wise or love interest wise.
I think counseling is a big step to take, but its a good one.

 

[bubbleheart]

Wow some of you have had much worse experiences - I was picked on for one year just before middle school started - I was a bit chubby before puberty - not really fat but I wore tomboyish clothes which probably made it worse and a group of kids would make sarcastic remarks or put glue on my chair - things like that. I was so young and nobody had ever been mean to me before and I was very nice and innocent and was powerless to fight back. Not remotely bad bullying really but I can tell you it still impacts my life. I have dealt with social anxiety that I believe stems to that time in my life - I still always feel a twinge of insecurity when Im around a group of people who are laughing (thinking 'are they laughing at me'?). The rest of school was brutal I was terrified of speaking in class, speaking my mind etc - I became petrified of making mistakes/saying the wrong thing because people might laugh or make fun. I fear embarrassment. I dont really know how to overcome all of the lasting effects of being bullied - I try to make conscious decisions to better myself - the best revenge is becoming more successful etc than your bullies (if only in your mind).