Can I trust him?

[KittyKat]

I really need your help girls

I feel so heartbroken right now I don't know what to do. I need some prespective on things, some advice and I know you girls are really sweet.

So, to get to the point. I've been in a relationship with my guy for a year. I love him more than anything in the world and i've never loved anyone more. I feel like he really is the one for me and that I could be with him for the rest of my life…if I could trust him

The thing is, we've been togehter once before, like 3 years ago. We both were 20 at the time (we're 23 now). He cheated on me back then and I've found out from the other girl. I was so heartbroken when I found out…it was like my whole world was falling apart. I left him because I just WILL NOT tolerat cheathing.

Well, after that I've been with another guy and he was with another girl (the ex I'm talking about later on) but it didn't work out. Somehow we go back in touch and fall in love again. It was very hard for me to trust him but somehow I did it. But then we started fithing almost every week and my trust got weaker and weaker. I started doubting him. I really don't think he's being totaly honest about things, about other girls. I don't really think he's cheating on me, I just think that he's in contact with a lot of girls, talking to them in not-at-all-friendly manner if you know what I mean. And then yesterday something happened that really got me to doubt him.

I was on his computer and wanted to go to my fb page. But when I whent to fb he was logged in. First let me tell you I didn't even know he has his on personal page there. He didn't tell, me didn't add me (and he knows I'm on there). His profile doesn't say he's single but it doesn't say he's in a relationship either. It just says he's interested in women. But what really got my blood pumping was when I read his private messages with his ex. I know I shouldn't have done it, but at least now I know. They were talking about golden showers, when they are going to have one, he told her that he would be the happiest guy in the world if she would kiss him and hug him… stuff like that. I couldn't belive my eyes.

I told him what I found, cursed at him how he could do this to me again. He wanted to talk about it so we did. He told me that nothing happened between them, that he didn't see her for over a year, that it was just words, fooling around like they did when they were together. I don't know how to belive this. He didn't even tell me he's still in touch with her, let alone that they're talking about golden showers and how she would make him so happy. And all along we've been having fight after fight, him telling me that I'm constantly doubthing him when he didn't even do anything. I really don't know what to belive. It makes it even harder for me because we have a distant relationship and I only see him on weekends.

Please ladies, tell me, am I overreacting? Should I just trust him and let this go? But how can I trust him? I'm having such problems with how to cope with this I can't even begin to tell you. I'm so hurt with what he did. And the problem is because now I'm just thinking if there is more, if he did anything else, if there are more girls like this… I really don't know what to do

Please give me some advice, it would meen soooo much to me to just hear another point of view. I don't want to leave him but I also don't know how to stay togehter

P.S. I'm sorry for all the grammar mistakes, I'm so stresed out right now I don't even know how to write

 

[xxsgtigressxx]

I say don't trust him. Words aren't JUST words. It isn't normal and/or acceptable behavior to talk to an ex in such a way at all. And facebook is the devil lol. I have a lot of guy friends with the blank relationship status and they all cheat on their girlfriends, its like they feel like they aren't lying, they are omitting information about having a girlfriend. Obviously that doesnt mean he definitely cheats on you but the message alone is not by any means innocent. Honestly, you probably know the answer in your heart. It just may not be easy to listen to. I say dump him and find someone else who doesn't have to "fool around" on the internet with his ex.

 

[mern]

I absolutely would not trust him. He's just trying to pull the wool over your eyes by making up excuses. I did that whole relationship with my ex for 3 years. All the lies and no trust. He would message random girls on myspace and say oh ist nothing it doesnt mean anything. Where as I found out after he had cheated on me many many many MULTIPLE times. I let him. I was so in love with him and the pathetic liar that he was, that I accepted his lies and denied myself the truth even though it was directly in front of me.

Fights are not good. Number one sign that maybe you shouldnt be in a relationship. Especially fighting about trust. You would want to be with someone who you feel good with that makes you feel like you have nothing to worry about. No trust in a relationship and all the stresses that go along with it can just be plain unhealthy. Not only unhealthy but physically and emotionallly draining. You never really know how bad a relationship may be until you are physically and mentally out of it and on with a new different realtionship to see how un-normal the previous one was.

Im sure your hurting a lot. Things like these hurt us girls. But stand up for yourself and be a stronger woman and dont take shit, kick his ass to the curb and dont take his pathetic insecure butt back. Trust your intuition, if you feel like theres more to the story there most definatly is.

PS read the book hes just not that into you. Its quite comical and uplifting! Helps you really put the pieces together. Well for me anyways.


This is all in my own personal opinion and experience, if you feel differently please dont hate on me.

xox

 

[florabundance]

You're not overreacting, he's just trouble

. You deserve much more and that's all there is to it

 

[KittyKat]

Thank you girls. I helps to hear that you think the same as I do. That it's not me. I wrote to her on fb. Yeah. Asked her if there is anything going on. I wasn't mean or anything, just wanted to see if she will reply. She probably won't. I really can't deal with this. I think you girls are probably right, I should get as far away as I could. He's always going to do this, isn't he?

He told me that he loves more than anyrhing, than he doesn't want to lose me. But that's what they always say, right? I just so want him to be the one ;(

 

[kittykit]

If someone has cheated on me before, I will never be able to trust him again. You're definitely not overreacting. My ex and I are still friends and he's on my Facebook and we talk often. But there's no way we're telling each other 'I'd be the happiest person on earth if I could kiss/hug/sex you again!'

You're still young and there are plenty of guys up there. I'm very sure you'll find the one. This guy doesn't deserve you at all.

Sending you some *hugs*

 

[Willa]

F.l.u.s.h.

--->

 

[TISH1124]

I always say if I question whether or not I can trust a guy...I normally can't.....

 

[KittyKat]

Well, the ex girlfriend wrote back to me...she didn't say that they have anything going on. she just said that he was like that to her to (he acctually told me that himself). So as far as I can see he didn't cheat, but it stil doesn't make it ok for me. He said he will do anything just to keep me, that he will not get in touch with her ever again. but I just can't make myself belive that. like I'm suppose to know what he does mean and what he doesn't?! I dont know..
I did contact two of my friends that know him also and I will go and talk to them. They're both older then me with families and everything so I think they will be able to help be make something out of this. Plus they know him too, and I think they will have more perspective.
Ugh, we will see...for now all I know is that I deserve better.

 

[Lauren1981]

Can I trust him?

if you already had a gut feeling something was going on and then you see that crap on his facebook then there's a problem

 

[KittyKat]

Well, we just had a big fight again...over this shit. And I think it's over

He kept saying that I'm not thinking clear, and it's true I can't think clear right now. I'm so mad and san at the same time...I kept throwing this crap at his face and he just said he won't take it anymore. So that's it I guess. I just can't understand...how can someone say he loves you and than treat you like crap? I would never do that to anyone, never. Never to him

 

[gildedangel]

This guy doesn't seem like the guy for you. I know that it is hard now, but trust me the guy for you would never do anything like this. My boyfriend would rather die than do something even remotely along those lines, and there is a guy out there for you like that. You deserve far better than this scuzbag. Unfortuntely many guys out there will tell you they love you even if they treat you bad, I have no idea why. I know that you can't think clearly now but it won't be long before you can, and when you can you will see that he is just not the guy for you. There are many many far better men who will treat you right out there waiting to meet you!!! Good luck girl!!!

<3

 

[Lauren1981]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KittyKat I just can't understand...how can someone say he loves you and than treat you like crap? I would never do that to anyone, never. Never to him

unfortunately some men are just full of shit. i had an ex do that to me 'bout 5 yrs ago and i was actually TELLING him to break up with me if he didn't want to be with me anymore and he would always get all worked up with an attitude and tell me that's not how he feels and that he loves me......... then i found out that whole time we kept arguing he had started f*cking with his ex again. i think a lot of guys (but not all) just don't find it easy to break up with someone. in my personal experience they'd rather encourage the girl do the dirty work and just set them free. make it easy for them. bitches.........
on the bright side, just remember this BOY actually did you a favor. i know it feels like shit right now. heartbreak is a crappy feeling but he seriously sounds full of shit. let him run his game on some other chick

 

[NernersHuman]

This guy is untrustworthy. Whether he's actually had sex with someone else while with you is irrelevant, imo. To me, the fact that he's even having this kind of serious sexual banter with another girl while dating you shows a tremendous lack of respect towards you.

You are not being irrational. He is trying to flip the situation on you because he's pissed that he got caught. Let him go. It won't be easy but you'll feel better about yourself in the long run, trust me.

 

[User93]

I can relate to how you feel. I had a lot of issues with my bf before, long story short I know how you feel.

Guys are guys I guess, they will look at girls and maybe think of them, but writing messages like that is just not acceptable. He makes fool out of himself disrespecting you and himself.

Just don't blame yourself in this story. Guys have this amazing ability to always come clean in the end of the fight and make it all look like "your fault", "you misunderstanding", "you overreacting" and "you not seeing things clear". No. That's him who doesn't. You deserve much better.

 

[kaliraksha]

I always say if you can't do it in front of your significant other it's cheating or at the very least highly inappropriate. You already gave him his once chance. Whether he acknowledges it or not, he betrayed your trust... again.

 

[MaskedBeauty]

I dont think you should trust him hun. Even if the girl says nothing is happening i'm sorry but girls cant always be trusted. i know someone who swore up and down that she didnt do anything with a friends boyfriend but later admitted she did. I'm not saying he is doing anything i'm just saying be cautious and look out for yourself.

 

[KittyKat]

thank you girls so much for all your words.
We talkd again last night. We almost came to an agreement. Then I asked him to delete his fb page...and of course he wouldn't do it. I asked him what happened with the "I'll do anything for you" and he just said it's out of principal. Then I asked him if he can et least add me to his friends and wrtie that he is in a relationship with me, and he wouldn't do it either. He did write he's in a relationship but he would not add me. I asked him why and he said it's because I would flip out if another girl would write to him and he didn't want to listen to that. I asked him if he can trust that will not do that, but he wouldn't. At the end he totaly lost it, said he deleted his acount but that he's dne with me. there must be all sort of crap on there if he was willing to throw everything away just to keep it from me.

I'm just so sad, because I never dreamed that he is like this, that he would do something like this. Never.

 

[tepa1974]

I really need to thank every one of you that left wonderful advice for Kittykat since it's helped me as well. I went through something similar a few weekends ago. My boyfriend of 3 years received a text (while he was sleeping) and it read, "Hi baby, how's your night going?" My heart sunk to my stomach when I read this and I felt like my world was crumbling.

His excuse? She was just a "friend" that he's had for about 4-5 years but he had no interest in her and was slowly trying to NOT have contact with her. He stated that they had gone to dinner, movies, etc but he was not one bit interested in her. She was the one that was after him (although she knew he had a girlfriend).

I told him to leave my house and that I never wanted to see him again. It broke my heart to know that he had been hiding this from me. Especially since my ex-husband cheated on me while I was pregnant and my boyfriend knew what I went through in that situation (and all of the trust issues I had after that).

Well, the next day, he called her and put her on speaker phone. He told her to not call nor text him and that his girlfriend (me) had read the text message. She sounded upset(?) and said that she didn't mean to cause him any relationship problems, especially because she was the one pursuing him. That last part kind of sounded scripted to me, like he told her to say that. Is it just my mind being paranoid? I don't know.

I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but things keep creeping into my mind. I always had a feeling that he had "friends" and that if he did, he thought of them as "friends" to not feel guilty. He always denied that he had "friends" (although I always had strong intuitions but I would push them away). Now he tells me that he kept this "friendship" from me because he knew I wasn't ok with it. I've gone through rough times these last few weeks because I thought he was different than most men and because I thought he was the "one" from the beginning. Maybe that's why I'm so disappointed.

I don't know what to think. Part of me is paranoid and thinking that he may be hiding more (which is the bad part about being lied to) but part of me thinks that maybe he was telling the truth and maybe the "girl" was being honest on the phone. Some things just don't add up.

I don't know if this makes matters worse but I found condoms in his car last night. Not in the usual spot (the glove compartment) but in a slot that is in front of one of the backseats (where you can store books, magazines, etc.) He laughed when I pulled them out (which was different than the reaction his face showed when I showed him the text message) and said they were his brother's condoms. He actually called his brother a few minutes later and his brother eventually "remembered" that they were his (he had him on speaker so I could hear).

I've saved these replies and I will continue to read them until I muster up the courage to do deep down what I know I need to do, end this relationship and realize that he is not the one for me. I will do it although it is really hard for me. One of the reasons being that he is almost like a father to my son (hasn't seen his father in 6years) and because I had such high hopes for our relationship. I will bite the bullet and do it. I've gone through hell with another man to allow another one to do this crap to me.


Thanks everyone for listening.

 

[User27]

You're not overreacting because the decisions you make determine whether or not you'll be happy later on with your life. I think a part of you has already lost trust in this guy fully or you wouldn't have brought up the points you did. No offense but I would have reacted ten times harder and believe you had every right to do so, if not more. I usually don't respond to something so personal on here but something irked me about your current situation....please just take this as some random girls' input. I understand we won't know what it's like until we're in your shoes and I've seen some girls already give good advice.

If the guy I was involved with hid a thing like a facebook page where he discussed intimacy or watersports with girls, especially an ex, I'd ream him and then dispose of him. You brought up something that threw me off..."he told her that he would be the happiest guy in the world if she would kiss him and hug him" and I would be questioning him off that alone. You're right for analyzing that guy because that's a devastating thing alone to read right there even before you add in his history of not being faithful. Why is it this guy is saying he needs another person's intimacy to make him happy when he has by the sounds of it, a loyal girlfriend who already gave him a second chance? Your guy hid a large part of his life from you even by discussing intimate thoughts with his ex which is a huge betrayal to your alls current relationship as it is and you have every right to look at that behavior as questionable without having to defend your actions.

If you're fighting all the time, that's a warning sign of too much stress between you all. I would never tell a girl to leave something that seemed positive for her but your relationship seems make you question a lot and someone mentioned gut feelings and they're 100% right. A part of you is bringing all this up because you already were questioning something before all this fb thing happened....the fights were already there with him saying that he was never doing anything in the first place. A couple doesn't fight over the same issue repeatedly and he's repeatedly defensive and you now have seen he hides things from you for you to have had this feeling from the go.

I get that a part of you wants to work things out with him but I honestly think another guy would treat you with full respect and caring that this guy seems to have forgotten about. It's always easier to stay because we care but it's when they aren't showing a caring side that we have to consider if we'll be healthy and happy down the line with them. I hope to God this guy hasn't crushed your self esteem enough to feel you only should be with him because when a guy is wrong for us, it takes us forever to see it. Mr Right is usually around the corner and we just haven't bumped into him yet....your guy could never meet my goals for that title. I hope you find the strength to notice that he's done damage in the past and he's doing damage now or you wouldn't be hurting by trying to decide what to do. Deep down, I honestly think a part of you thinks he's bad news or you wouldn't have pointed out so many flaws he's made and is currently making. I wish you the best and hope you remember there's always a better guy out there when the one we cared for has mistreated us....just take time to accept what you just went through before seeking him out.