complicated family - need input

[Ladybugz]

I no longer feel the need to have this story published on a website - after hearing from many people on here and outside of this site it has become clear to me that some people are very quick to see things as they want to see them and not through my eyes. I mean no disrespect to anyone who has commented on this thread but sometimes things arent always as black and white as they seem you need to look a little deeper and i thank those of you who did. I also thank those of you who put your honest input regardless of if you agreed.

my descisions have been made - i stand firm i thinking i do not need councelling i can honestly say i am not messed up and i have dealt with what has happened which is why i feel the need to move on with my life. To keep going back to it will get me nowhere.

As for my brother he has said nothing further about taking this to the authorities since New years but is refusing to talk to me. In turn i have stopped speaking to and seeing my eldest brother as i will not be seen to be taking sides.

I have thought long and hard about this from many different angles and this is the right descision to be, the past month has been a a very tough one at first but has since been very calm and has been a month in which i have done a lot of a lot of reflecting.

I have put this explanation fort hose who may be following this thread until the admins delete

so if possible admins please delete

xx

 

[florabundance]

You've been through a lot, but from an outsider's perspective (and an outsider who places a huge emphasis on the importance of family at that), I'm sorry to say, but your eldest brother deserves to be in prison. He *abused* his little sister. There is no argument on this earth that could or would justify you spending any time with him at all..or him spending time with any of your family. He needs to be rehabilitated. And although it may not seem like it, him being punished for his sick behaviour may actually help you to come to terms with it..which it sounds like you haven't. Your situation is far from a "complicated family" issue. This is criminal behaviour. Your eldest brother is a danger to society, he is a paedophile. And you cannot know, i'm sorry to say, that he would never do anything like that again.

You sound like a smart girl, and you've been through some horrific things, so trying to work it out may seem like a tedious and difficult option. But you need to realise that it seems as though you haven't really faced up to what was done to you. Nobody deserves that.

 

[Ladybugz]

thank you florabundance for your honest reply. I know it sounds hard to believe but i honestly know that he hasn't been doing it again since. I just think it would be a waste of police time as they could be catching real criminals. He knows what he has done was so wrong. Although he never out right admited it to me what he done, he did eventually admit it to my mum. He will never be a big part of the family as i said before me and my mum purely tolerate him. mainly because shes scared he will commit suicide (which at the time it came out he threatened to do) if he was disowned and i don't think any mother could have that on her shoulders especially as she has been through her own brother doing that when she was younger.

 

[Delilah]

Lynzi - your story is sad and your outlook on life incredible. Many have been felled by less than this. I think you deserve happiness and freedom from the burden of guilt and blackmail that your family is putting you through.

I guess the younger of your brothers is having a really hard time at the moment. Frankly I think I'd be more like him & unable to keep up the charade of happy families. But you most certainly have the right to want to leave the past in the past & not be threatened into action. I would write him a letter to say that you love him, but he has to accept your way of dealing with the past and you will have to cut contact until he can. Best of luck.

Also, I am interested in how you know your brother is not touching kids?

 

[Holy Rapture]

First off, I must say you're one brave girl! Second, a crime as horrific as the one you described MUST NOT and totally SHOULD NOT go unreported. Flora is totally right in saying that it seems you haven't really faced upto what was done! You know, family or no family, there is no explanation that would actually make you wanna breathe the same air as your eldest brother. Gosh, what kind of a BROTHER is that ??!!

Am sorry, am too overwhelmed right now. Honestly, if you parents or anyone else could not get justice for you, does not mean you don't get it for yourself! You HAVE to coz even if you rather not talk about it or think about it, it will bother you for as long as you live! Punish the man please ... There's NO guarantee he's not doing it or won't ever do it again ... Do not trust someone who does not even know what the word means!!
I'm sorry if I offended you in any way but, I hope you see light. God bless you and keep us posted, if possible!

 

[joey444]

Wow..I'm a little speechless still after reading your story! First off, I agree with everyone here, your older brother has a serious problem and someone of higher authority must be made aware. You really have NO idea if he is doing the same thing to another innocent child. Second, and perhaps most important, is for both you and your middle brother to seek therapy. It seems like your brother is still struggling with what his older brother did to him and he is scarred. He needs to get help before he decides to take matters into his own hands and wind up in major trouble with the law.
Best of luck with whatever you choose to do and God bless!

 

[NutMeg]

Your story shows a lot of personal strength to come through this experience as well as you have. You do not have to appologize for whatever steps you need to take to find peace and closure, even if your younger brother can't accept that. If you haven't already done so I would strongly encourage both of you to get into therapy, because I think that you have a distorted view of how recovered you are. Some of your statements, especially about being numb when confronted with the situation, make me think that you are still very much hurting and scarred about this.

On a different note, you are completely and one hundred percent in denial about your older brother being a danger to other children. If your parents had no idea (although somehow I doubt that) that it was being done to you and your other brother while all of you lived in the same house, how are you supposed to know if he's doing it to someone else now? Especially because you desparately want to put this all behind you, how could you be vigilant for signs of further abuse? Are you willing to take the responsibility to watch him like a hawk for the rest of his life to make sure he doesn't hurt anyone else? Please think very carefully about this.

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

Lynzi, oh how I empathize with you girl, and how I admire your strength. It's easy to say what should be done when you haven't been there, but I have been there. I was sexually abused by one of my sisters, for a number of years I repressed it and the anguish and humiliation I felt over being abused manifested themselves into terrifiying nightmares. I never spoke of the abuse until I was a college student, and the first person I told is now my husband. I have had the strength to tell other friends now, and have even disclosed the abuse to two of my other sisters, and now I suppose I have the courage to tell you.

However I refuse to tell my parents, they are wonderful parents, and I know for a fact that had they known of the abuse it would have been stopped immediately. I refuse to now lay this burden at my parent's feet, because they do not need that heartbreak. I also have forgiven my sister for what she's done, and don't believe that she has done this to anyone besides myself, and I know that she's received therapy.

I have found that talking about all of this has truly helped me heal and overcome my adversity, though I've never had counseling I know I have moved beyond this with the love and prayers from my fantastic friends and family, and my incredible faith. However, if I ever felt overwhelmed by the situation I certainly would see a therapist, it may help you discover tools to deal with this situation.

I tell you all of this, because in honesty, I feel what the younger of your older brothers is doing is revictimization. His offense is as great as that of your eldest brother, because he's threatening to remove his familial ties to you, and that's unacceptable. This is your pain to deal with however you feel most effective...encourage your brother to seek his most effective way to overcome the pain. Just because you choose not to pursue your eldest brother through the judicial system, doesn't mean you don't support your other brother, only that isn't your way to rectify things in your mind.

I want you to know that you'll be in my prayers and thoughts, and even though I can't give you the answers, I can tell you that turning to those you love the most is the best thing you can do right now. Also, I understand why you wouldn't want to bring this to a legal level, and don't fault you at all for that decision! I do hope your eldest brother gets help, and that you and your other brother will be able to find some healing somehow.

If you need a shoulder, please let me know, PM me, whatever. I know it has taken a great amount of courage to post your story.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I am not going to tell you what to do, but I really do think your family is in need of therapy, including you.

What has happened is terrible, and it sounds like you were made to just keep a stiff upper lip because of wanting to keep your family together. Besides my own personal beliefs (I do think it's quite unfair), I don't know how much healing you've honestly had. It sounds like you've been living more in denial and ignoring a very real and problem. Your middle brother probably is going through similar stuff that you are. I think you have been entirely too selfless in this situation. Even if you 100% believe that you are better, please just go to a good therapist once or twice to try it out. Be honest while you are there so s/he can be certain that you are indeed okay.

Your younger brother is hurting, because he doesn't know how to deal with it. He needs to get help; I hope he doesn't do anything nuts.

You don't know for certain if your older brother is better. I doubt he is. I'm not of the belief that child molesters are completely incurable, nor do I totally believe that you can never have a relationship of some kind with your older brother, but I think a lot of work has to be done before it's even a possibility.

 

[user79]

I think your whole family should go get some family counselling sessions, your mother and both your brothers, or if your younger brother feels uncomfortable with the abusive brother being there, maybe just you, your mom and your younger brother. Then you can decide what is the propper thing to do. It sounds like your younger brother has not gotten over the trauma of the abuse, and it sounds like he could use a lot of help, probably it wouldn't hurt you either to talk about what happened. There may be issues here that you have repressed.

I think you should go to counseling first as a family, and then as deemed necessary you should decide whether or not to press charges against your abusive brother. I agree what others have said, that he might be abusing other children around him withut you knowing it. I think this is a serious issue that can't just be swept under the rug.

 

[lelaelena]

I'm somewhat on your side. Ish.
I've never been abused so I can't possibly imagine, but the way you're handling it is a testament to your bravery and selflessness. To think of your own mother before yourself, is, well something I'm always trying to do, to a lesser extent.

I think your younger brother is at that hormonal stage where all he wants to do is shun his whole family, and that is his very best excuse (and I mean it sure is a good one). Everyone goes through that stage, and it happens whether or not there's abuse.

If he hasn't been abused he has absolutely no right to tell you what to do, since it was what happened to you. It is your prerogative to make your peace with your eldest brother the best way you can, and it's wonderful of you to think of other's feelings before your own. Your younger brother is at the most selfish stage of his life and is just unable to comprehend that. He will soon, and he'll find his own way to figure it out and survive.

What you can do is try to sit your brother down and put your decision into perspective. Though it does hurt you, you are thinking of your poor mother. She's been through enough and there's probably no words to explain how it must feel if one of your children abused the others. I cannot possibly imagine. Maybe try to make your brother understand that your mother is the first priority.

My dad's dad, my grandpa, disowned one of my aunts when she was 17 because she had slept with a lot of boys and smoked a lot of weed (in Eastern Europe in the 70's that was pretty much parallel to pedophilia on the horrible actions scale). My dad, his brother and his other sisters supported it. She lives in Sweden now and to this day no one from the family talks to her. She has her own family and kids, and tried to get in contact when my grandpa died to ask where the funeral was going to be, but no one called her back.

Now as a girl, with a strict Eastern European dad, who has made her fair share of mistakes when it comes to one night stands, and had a brief time in high school when she did pot with her friends, I can relate to my aunt that I've never met (it was my mom who told me all this, my dad refuses to acknowledge her existence). My dad has absolutely no idea about my transgressions, but they eat me up inside and one of my greatest panics would be if he found out, because my fate would most likely be the same.
My whole point with that rant was that I wish I could know my aunt and my cousins, and maybe have her side of the story. Maybe she could give me some insights and sage advice considering her past.

Maybe someday, if your family does shut your oldest brother out, you all will have to explain these painful stories to your children or find ways to protect them from it. No matter what they will always have questions that you can't answer and they won't be able to comprehend the whole situation. I know many people do extricate themselves from their families on purpose, but to be pushed out, after they've changed....

I am in no way justifying or negating that what your brother did was horrible, but I agree that people change and reform. If he was on really hard drugs that maybe made him psychotic in some way... I don't know. Though if he got psychological help that would probably be the best thing for everyone.