Conflicts in College

[~Valerie~]

Ok, I'm going to warn you right now that this is long and a lot of it is unnecessary but I needed to vent a bit. I know it's also going to seem like a silly problem for most people, and I realize it is silly - but... it's crazy how this has affected me. =/

I broke up with my boyfriend of a few years awhile back, and I started dating this nice guy, "John", who worked in the biology lab with me. I explained to him that I wasn't over my boyfriend yet and had no desire for something serious, but that I definitely had an interest in him. We went to dinner a few times, hung out, chatted in the lab together - that was the extent of our times together but things were good.

After a month he told me that he didn't know what he wanted anymore and that he wanted to just be friends for the time being. I really liked him but I was ok with that, and I backed off to concentrate on other things (which turned out to be the best thing for me now that I think about it). Well, after this happened, my ex and I started talking again and we ended up getting back together a few weeks later. Fine, right?

John became furious. I almost didn't recognize him from the way he was talking to me when I first told him. I guess it's stupid but I almost thought he'd be happy for me since we weren't together anyway and he'd wanted his space. But no, he told me I should've waited for him and that I was stupid to get back together with my ex. He was so angry that he told me he never wanted to talk to me again... then he went on some rant about how I was a love-stricken girl who'd never make it through college (that last part hit hard because he knew I was having some issues with my grades earlier in the semester and that I was insecure about it). I told him I was sorry and hadn't realized I hurt him, as we weren't dating anymore anyway. I figured that would be the end of it and that, as adults, we would both be able to work together in a lab without any problems despite this issue.

Well, the reason I'm coming to you guys now for advice is that this hasn't been the case. It is now a semester since this has all happened, and John has been attempting to make my life at the university a living hell. I didn't know it until now, but one of my other lab partners confided in me that she heard him talking about me 'being a whore and leaving him heartbroken' to another student. I normally wouldn't believe that secondhand, but lately people I used to talk to in the science department have been acting strangely around me and all I can think is that this is why. Some of our mutual friends (unfortunately we share most all friends) have actually deleted me off their facebooks and act like they don't know me. My last trip to the lab was a nightmare because I felt like an outcast... it's not as if anyone is being downright cruel, they just ignore me. I have considered talking to them about it, but I feel like the only way I can do that is to belittle John in the process, which will make me look just as bad.

I honestly don't know what to do. I sent a facebook message to him and asked if we could talk either in person or phone/internet and he wouldn't even reply.

My boyfriend (well, now he is my fiance

) told me I should just be glad John isn't able to mess with the one thing that counts most in my life right now - my grades - and let everything else go and make new friends elsewhere. And I do realize that is the simple solution to this. I guess I just have a problem with knowing that people dislike me and I wish there was some way to fix it. I mean, I'm so happy with my life now. I'm with someone I love, my GPA is higher than it's ever been, and for the first time I can see where my future is heading. Why can't my friends, why can't John, be happy for me? I just don't get it.

Sigh. Thanks for allowing me to vent.

 

[BinkysBaby]

I think that John probably thought that more would come from your relationship with him. Although you guys decided to be friends, apparently he still had an interest in you. Your primary concern now is your fiance (congrats) and your grades. As long as John isn't a TA or anyone who has an effect on your grades, screw him. If he wants to be a little prick, ignore him. And where does he get off calling you a whore. He probably thought that you would drool at his feet and now he's embarrassed. And so what some of your classmates took you off of their facebook. Maybe they weren't interested in really being friends. Maybe they want to act like it's high school again. Well, perfect, now you don't have to deal with them. Hang in there. You have your grades and your honey!!!

 

[blazeno.8]

Hm, well I can't really answer some of those last questions, but here are somethings that I've learned:
1) The most important thing is for you to be happy. If you're not happy then other things that you put your effort into just kind of go downhill with it.
2) Even if these people deleted you off of facebook, it is a social networking tool, but it is just that a tool. Don't worry about it too much because how you interact with those people in day to day life is the 1000x more important. People who are worth the while won't judge you based on what he says about his interaction with you, but rather based on how they interact with you.
3) I've also learned that what worked the best for me was not seeking interaction with him (active or passive). The other chips fell into place from there. If he comes seeking passive attention (hanging out with your friends, interrupting your conversations to talk to other people), being more mature than he is by not reacting to it is usually the fastest way for other people to see what is really happening. If he seeks active attention (talking to you directly) then go where you want to from there and you can probably start in with the questions, but I only did that when he came to me.
I hope I'm not sounding like a mom, but it's my last year in college, and I'm kind of glad that I got out of those situations, and now looking back I just wish I hadn't put so much of my own time or attention into them.

 

[user79]

I think you should confront John and ask him point blank if he has been spreading rumors about you. You should also confront the closest of your so-called friends and ask them what changed and why they are being weird. If they tell you it's bc of John, you can just tell them that what he is saying isn't true and they shouldn't believe everything they hear. If they still act cold, they aren't friends worth having.

Can you try to make new friends outside your department, like by joining a sports team or some kind of club?

 

[Lissa]

I think you should confront John and ask him point blank if he has been spreading rumors about you. You should also confront the closest of your so-called friends and ask them what changed and why they are being weird. If they tell you it's bc of John, you can just tell them that what he is saying isn't true and they shouldn't believe everything they hear. If they still act cold, they aren't friends worth having.
quote]

I agree with this. I wouldn't let them continue to think bad things about you when they are getting only one side of the story from someone who is obviously bitter that he was 'rejected' (in his head). Set the story straight with them - after that, they can believe what they want. Your life sounds great anyway without them!

 

[~Valerie~]

Thanks guys. Reading your posts really put things in perspective for me. This is really not something I should be so upset over.

I think I will talk to some of the people involved, and if nothing comes of it then I won't stress about it anymore.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Well, it sounds like John feels hurt and is lashing out on you. You didn't do anything wrong.

I would question why your friends choose to believe him over you and whether you want people like that in your life. Having been friends with people who broke up, I find that it's pointless to believe one side of the story, because there are always different perceptions.

I would talk to John and tell him to quit it. Don't bring up that it does bother you and makes you upset, because people like him live off of that. Do it calmly and firmly.

If you choose to confront your friends, start by playing dumb like "Did I do something wrong? I noticed a change in our friendship." If they mention the rumors, tell them that you are hurt that they would choose to believe that John without asking you.

I hate sounding cold, but most of these people are probably replaceable. If I heard a rumor about one of my friends, I would probably broach the subject with them rather than straight up believe the rumor.