Depressing gender bias

[Eoraptor]

I recently met someone online who was feeling very bad about themselves and desperately wanted friends. So I offered to be their friend, and they were very happy and excited about it. I was excited too, because I don't make friends easily either, and my current friends are largely unavailable due to hospitalization, post-breakup self-imposed solitude, bipolar disorder, and other such things. Well, after a few exchanged messages, she suddenly realized I was a boy, not a girl. And just as suddenly her mood changed and she no longer wanted to be friends at all.

This saddened me a lot. It's not like I was hiding my sex before - it's on all my internet profiles along with photos, and I have a guy's name. I'm still the same person who she thought was so nice before. I'm not going to start being crude, or hit on her, or whatever other manly traits she could be uncomfortable with. I try not to be manly at all. Why should it matter what's between my legs if she liked my personality to begin with? It's not like we'll ever meet in real life. *sigh* Now I'm depressed.

 

[MxAxC-_ATTACK]

it shouldnt matter . and if shes gonna be like that.... you didnt need her as a friend after all. thats all.. Cheer up and dont be depressed. .

 

[joytheobscure]

I'm sorry

You don't need her as a friend, I think a nice person is a nice person regardless of anything. You'll find many more friends here who do not care about what you look like or sex etc..but who YOU are.
(((Hugs))))

 

[Shimmer]

honestly, whether it matters to YOU or not that you're male it DOES matter to her...
and ... no matter how much makeup you wear or girl jeans you put on or how high of heels you work it in...you're still a guy. For whatever reason she wasn't wanting a male friend...it's not personal. *shrug*
I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just...I guess telling you from the perspective of someone who's been there (in her shoes)...ok?

 

[YvetteJeannine]

I'll be your friend!

I am very loyal, and a good listener (and not a crazy

) Anyway, I know it can get lonely sometimes...if ya ever need a place to vent; or just an ear to listen, feel free to PM me!

 

[Bianca]

Well, the person he is talking about is me. And it's not very nice to put it up here. I explained the reason why, I wanted a girl as a friend and not a guy. I never knew he was a guy and Mickey is also a girls name. It really hurts me that it's being put up here on the board. Now everybody on here will hate me...Thanks a lot......

 

[Shimmer]

*shrug* I don't hate you for making a decision based on your wants.

 

[Janice]

Bianca- Noone will dislike you for your personal choices, you're a valued and respected member here.

 

[caffn8me]

I think what happened was just a misunderstanding and a difference in expectations. Internet communication lends itself to that sort of situation unfortunately.

I certainly won't think anything less of you, Bianca and Eoraptor, because of what happened. You're both valued members of this forum and I'd really hate to lose either one of you because of this. Please stay and please keep posting.

 

[Sanne]

Quote:

Originally Posted by shimmer honestly, whether it matters to YOU or not that you're male it DOES matter to her... and ... no matter how much makeup you wear or girl jeans you put on or how high of heels you work it in...you're still a guy. For whatever reason she wasn't wanting a male friend...it's not personal. *shrug* I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just...I guess telling you from the perspective of someone who's been there (in her shoes)...ok?

I agree. I have male and female friends and they're both great, but still totally different. I can totally understand why someone would choose a female friend over a male friend. And no it's def not personal, but it makes a difference...

 

[Shimmer]

I have actually known people to say "Oh. We can't be friends." once they found out I was a Taurus. *shrug* It's personal preference or where someone's at in their life.
I know I'm a good person and loyal friend, and I can accept that I'm not necessarily what someone else may need in a friend. :/

 

[Eoraptor]

Ughh. I kept the situation anonymous so that there wouldn't be any negative feelings towards you, but hoped you would see things from a different perspective (I really do feel depressed about the situation though, so it's not like this was a ploy to teach you a lesson). I find that most interpersonal problems are due to a difference in perspective. You wondered why you have such a hard time making friends, and felt depressed about it because you blamed yourself. Well, now you're on the opposite side of the situation. You're contributing to my difficulty in making friends. So the next time you try to be someone's friend, but they reject you (like happened with your bf's friend's gf), remember that you've been in their shoes. They probably don't want to hurt you, and had reasons which they thought were quite justified, even if you couldn't understand or agree with them. I certainly don't hate you, and I'm sure no one else here does either. But I do think you should give male friends a try. We're half the population, and dismissing us out of hand limits your options quite a bit. Hope you found the kind of friend you were looking for though. This board's full of them.

 

[pumpkincat210]

I'm your friend so if you ever need any one to talk to just drop me an email...
my msn handle is on my myspace page to.

 

[alurabella]

Sometimes girls feel more comfortable with girls. Same with guys. I have an awesome guy friend, but we are never SUPER close, b/c he'd rather talk "serious" with other guys. It's just how he is, and I accept that.

 

[browneyedbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eoraptor Ughh. I kept the situation anonymous so that there wouldn't be any negative feelings towards you, but hoped you would see things from a different perspective (I really do feel depressed about the situation though, so it's not like this was a ploy to teach you a lesson). I find that most interpersonal problems are due to a difference in perspective. You wondered why you have such a hard time making friends, and felt depressed about it because you blamed yourself. Well, now you're on the opposite side of the situation. You're contributing to my difficulty in making friends. So the next time you try to be someone's friend, but they reject you (like happened with your bf's friend's gf), remember that you've been in their shoes. They probably don't want to hurt you, and had reasons which they thought were quite justified, even if you couldn't understand or agree with them. I certainly don't hate you, and I'm sure no one else here does either. But I do think you should give male friends a try. We're half the population, and dismissing us out of hand limits your options quite a bit. Hope you found the kind of friend you were looking for though. This board's full of them.

I think some of this is for private discussion not for a public post as it involves the thoughts and feelings of another person.

However I can see both side here, although maybe she just isn't ready for male friends. Girls often have an understanding than sadly guys just never will.Enough said by me as I don't like commenting on another person when they didn't put there problems here for public discussion in the first place.

 

[Shimmer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eoraptor Ughh. I kept the situation anonymous so that there wouldn't be any negative feelings towards you, but hoped you would see things from a different perspective (I really do feel depressed about the situation though, so it's not like this was a ploy to teach you a lesson). I find that most interpersonal problems are due to a difference in perspective. You wondered why you have such a hard time making friends, and felt depressed about it because you blamed yourself. Well, now you're on the opposite side of the situation. You're contributing to my difficulty in making friends. So the next time you try to be someone's friend, but they reject you (like happened with your bf's friend's gf), remember that you've been in their shoes. They probably don't want to hurt you, and had reasons which they thought were quite justified, even if you couldn't understand or agree with them. I certainly don't hate you, and I'm sure no one else here does either. But I do think you should give male friends a try. We're half the population, and dismissing us out of hand limits your options quite a bit. Hope you found the kind of friend you were looking for though. This board's full of them.

I'm not trying to bust your chops or anything but...posting it (especially when it's about another member here where they can see it) was kind of a shitty thing to do.
That's just my opinion though.

 

[Bianca]

Well, I feel like that too. I felt really bad about this being put up on the board because I am also not feeling well myself, so this is not really helping me. But I'm glad that noone here hates me.

 

[mzcelaneous]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MxAxC-_ATTACK it shouldnt matter . and if shes gonna be like that.... you didnt need her as a friend after all. thats all.. Cheer up and dont be depressed. .

I don't see why it matters why gender you are.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Janice Bianca- Noone will dislike you for your personal choices, you're a valued and respected member here.

Also agree because it's her personal decision :shrug:


Don't feel too sad about the situation because there is always someone out there who'd want to be friends with you regarldess of what/who you are

 

[user5]

First of all, I don't think you were wrong to put this up, you were trying to get other peoples' opinions because you felt wrong about what was being done to you. I'm sorry that this happened to you btw.

But Bianca, no one would have known this post was about you if you hadn't said anything. So the fact that everyone now knows it is about you is not Mickey's fault, or anyone's for that matter but your own.

No one hates you, including myself, but I do think it was a pretty lousy thing to say that you're looking for a friend, and one comes knocking at your door but you shoo them away because of their gender. Not cool. Although I can't really say too much else, cause I've never been in that situation myself, and who knows what's really going in your life but you, right? So no one can really judge you. And I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, it's not meant to be, it's just my opinion.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I see both sides here, and I don't think that this board was wrong to be put up because no names were mentioned in the beginning. But my suggestion, let's move on.

 

[Shimmer]

a private message from the OPwould have worked just as well, and maintained anonymity, instead of posting something in the ... common public with the intention of initiating discussion.