Desperately need advice from married ladies!(explicit)

[frankenkitty71]

I don't know where else to turn for help. I came home tonight after getting my nails done and I guess I was quiet about entering because I walked back to the bedroom and found my husband taking a picture of his penis with his iPhone

I asked him who he was sending the pic to and he said it was a photoswap and not many girls are on there. Then he said he doesn't think he's really into that kind of thing and he's kinda embarassed ...but he has been trading pics of dicks with other guys because he gets bored and lonely and horney

I have zero sex drive and I knew he had a few girly mags in his bathroom and I was like...OK with him enjoying himself...less work I had to do. But now it's with real people. And men? And he's on Facebook now...AND OUR FIFTH ANNIVERSARY IS SATURDAY!!!! I'm sad and sick and mad and disgusted and shocked and confused and...I don't know what to do. I can't call my mom for advise. I really don't want to tell my friends what is going on. If I don't mind him using magazine porn is it hipocritical to get mad about pics on the phone? I swear I'm smashing the thing as soon as I can get it away from him. I wanna leave right now and go to a hotel or something but for medical reasons he can't drive and I have to drive him to work tomorrow...I just don't know what to do

HELP

 

[Deolinda]

I'm so sorry to read that you are in a situation like this.
First, try to clear your head. Take a couple of deep breaths...
Follow you gut feeling. Honor what you feel. Ask yourself the tough questions and be willing to listen to the answers. (Even the answers you don't wanna hear).
Then ask your husband to be truthful about the reasons why he was taking the pictures. Tell him how it makes you feel. Listen to his answers, and once again, allow yourself honor what your gut is telling you.
In the end only the truth. The real truth, and not the one we try to make ourselves or others believe, will set you free.
Be strong!!!

 

[purrtykitty]

Yes the pictures are bad. Just think about the ramifications if the place he's posting pictures to ends up being one of those set up to catch predators.

I'm really sorry you're going through this, but he needs to understand that his behavior could destroy his life, not just your marriage.

 

[jjjenko]

I'm not married, but maybe you could take some kind of supplement to boost your sex drive. This way you can meet him halfway on the sex thing and he won't feel the need to exchange pics. Maybe you could both start meeting with a marriage counselor together?

 

[frankenkitty71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Deolinda I'm so sorry to read that you are in a situation like this. First, try to clear your head. Take a couple of deep breaths... Follow you gut feeling. Honor what you feel. Ask yourself the tough questions and be willing to listen to the answers. (Even the answers you don't wanna hear). Then ask your husband to be truthful about the reasons why he was taking the pictures. Tell him how it makes you feel. Listen to his answers, and once again, allow yourself honor what your gut is telling you. In the end only the truth. The real truth, and not the one we try to make ourselves or others believe, will set you free. Be strong!!!

Thank you for such simple truthful advice

I'm really afraid the truth is that I am an absentee wife and of course he has needs I wasn't meeting. I have to change my ways and I really don't want to do the work. This probably isn't the truth others will get from this but it is the truth I can see. Shit. I like my lazy ways. Thank you very much for such kind and caring words!

 

[frankenkitty71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty Yes the pictures are bad. Just think about the ramifications if the place he's posting pictures to ends up being one of those set up to catch predators. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but he needs to understand that his behavior could destroy his life, not just your marriage.

Thank you for helping me think about this

You're right about it not being safe to send pics like that. The question is can I get him to see this. Can I get anyone to second the idea of smashing his phone??!!

 

[frankenkitty71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jjjenko I'm not married, but maybe you could take some kind of supplement to boost your sex drive. This way you can meet him halfway on the sex thing and he won't feel the need to exchange pics. Maybe you could both start meeting with a marriage counselor together?

Thank you for the advise

You are right. I need to participate moore in my marriage. We went to counseling about a year ago and it kinda sucked because the answer was always that I'm in the wrong. I was in the wrong-frequently- but he had behaviors that needed to be checked also but since I already have the label "mentally ill" it made it so easy to blame me for everything. And I'm not really all that ill

Depression doesn't make me a non-person. But we do need to work this out so it might be a good idea now. Thank you for helping me see this

 

[purrtykitty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frankenkitty71 Thank you for helping me think about this You're right about it not being safe to send pics like that. The question is can I get him to see this. Can I get anyone to second the idea of smashing his phone??!!

I think you definitely need to look into getting something lower tech. Harder to immediately post pics to the web if the phone doesn't have a camera.

 

[frankenkitty71]

He's going to be so mad! He LOVES that iPhone! He plays games on it. He texts his best friend all day long. We both love LOL CATZ and The Daily Weird. I just don't think I can be comfortable with him having it anymore

 

[leenybeeny]

Are you currently being treated for your depression? Depression itself and some of the treatments can lower sex drive, so you should try to get treated, or look at changing your treatment.

Sex is a very important part of marriage and as much as I understand it's hard for you right now, you need to meet each other in the middle. Don't take his phone away.. he'll resent it. He needs to make you trust him to have it. Which means you two need to do some serious communicating.

 

[frankenkitty71]

You are right. I am being treated for my depression. I've tried almost every antidepressant and finally found a combo that keeps me mostly sane. But it totally takes away my drive. Every treatment I tried did the same. It seems like I get one or the other. Sane enough that we can get along socially and nothing physical or a physical relationship but I behave poorly. I wish there was some kind of middle ground. Thank you for the advise. You are right that we need to communicate.

 

[NeonKitten]

Quote:

Originally Posted by leenybeeny Are you currently being treated for your depression? Depression itself and some of the treatments can lower sex drive, so you should try to get treated, or look at changing your treatment. Sex is a very important part of marriage and as much as I understand it's hard for you right now, you need to meet each other in the middle. Don't take his phone away.. he'll resent it. He needs to make you trust him to have it. Which means you two need to do some serious communicating.

i totally second that. if you take it away then it'll be over basically...my husband and i have iphones as well and i've never thought of taking his away becuase i know how connected you can get when you have one, especially if your lonely. its an amazing way to communicate and i don't think that just because he doesn't have his phone he won't be able to post pics.

i think what you need to do is think about the whole picture. i'm not trying to be critical or rude but if your not willing to work at your marriage then it will not work. so if you don't want to put forth effort into being physcial then why should he stop as well?

it could really be worse then pictures...he could have cheated on you and i know in a way it feels like he did but all of us need some sort of physical stimulation in our lives, especially in marriage. i've been married almost 3 years and there are time when i just DO NOT feel like being sexy and and having sex but i know that my husband needs it and he does the same for me when i need it so its total give and take in a marriage.

i really hope things work out for y'all. i think you should be understanding and talk to him. see what he's feeling and what he needs from you and don't be afraid to tell him what you need from him(like stoppping the pictures in return for more together time for instance) again i'm not trying to sound rude but i'm just giving you advice from one wife to another. my husband and i have had problems but we've been able to work everything out because we love, respect and communicate with each other.

good luck!

 

[Mabelle]

ask your doctor about if there is anything you can take to boost your sex drive (does viagra work on women?). Sex drive or not, he should NOT be posting/sending peen pictures to anyone!

Listen, im not married, but i am in a very commited relationship. I also suffer from the zero sex drive. I don't know why. I'm not on any meds. And i find my man extremly sexy, but i'm just not jonzing. I understand my bf has needs, and he can watch as much porn as is healthy, and masturbate hislitte heart out. But the second i catch him sending pictures, chatting or strayig.... that crosses the line. And then i would bitchslap him. With a chair.

 

[frankenkitty71]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mabelle ask your doctor about if there is anything you can take to boost your sex drive (does viagra work on women?). Sex drive or not, he should NOT be posting/sending peen pictures to anyone! Listen, im not married, but i am in a very commited relationship. I also suffer from the zero sex drive. I don't know why. I'm not on any meds. And i find my man extremly sexy, but i'm just not jonzing. I understand my bf has needs, and he can watch as much porn as is healthy, and masturbate hislitte heart out. But the second i catch him sending pictures, chatting or strayig.... that crosses the line. And then i would bitchslap him. With a chair.

Thank you so much! Your advise is great and the part about bitchslapping him with a chair made me laugh so hard

That is the first time I have smiled tonight!!!

 

[leenybeeny]

How are you feeling today? I was thinking last night about your situation and it reminded me of something my aunt said to me once. She has been married for almost 40 years.. not always happily.. but they are still very much in love and always work things out.

She told me once that she is a very emotional person, and my uncle is a very sexual person. (I'd say a fairly stereotyical scenario).. and that in 40 years, she has rarely turned him down for sex - unless there were some reason she really *couldn't*, and he has never turned her away emotionally - even if he really didn't want to deal with it.. he would never let her know that.

They meet each others needs. And this keeps them both happy. And she told me that even on the nights that she didn't want to have sex, but they ended up having sex... afterwards, she would feel so much more emotionally fulfilled.

They say if you fake feeling a certain way long enough, you will actually start to feel that way. So smile when you don't feel like smiling.. maybe the same thing will work for sex and you may start enjoying it

Now for someone who doesn't experience a low sex drive, I really don't know if this will work, so you can slap me if it's a silly idea.. but just thought I would throw it out there.

 

[BeccalovesMAC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by leenybeeny How are you feeling today? I was thinking last night about your situation and it reminded me of something my aunt said to me once. She has been married for almost 40 years.. not always happily.. but they are still very much in love and always work things out. She told me once that she is a very emotional person, and my uncle is a very sexual person. (I'd say a fairly stereotyical scenario).. and that in 40 years, she has rarely turned him down for sex - unless there were some reason she really *couldn't*, and he has never turned her away emotionally - even if he really didn't want to deal with it.. he would never let her know that. They meet each others needs. And this keeps them both happy. And she told me that even on the nights that she didn't want to have sex, but they ended up having sex... afterwards, she would feel so much more emotionally fulfilled. They say if you fake feeling a certain way long enough, you will actually start to feel that way. So smile when you don't feel like smiling.. maybe the same thing will work for sex and you may start enjoying it Now for someone who doesn't experience a low sex drive, I really don't know if this will work, so you can slap me if it's a silly idea.. but just thought I would throw it out there.

Thats is the best advice. The old schoolers know it all.

 

[Amber*Christine]

Okay, this could be way out there and I by no means intend to offend you, but you stated something about how he swaps pictures of his genitals with other...men. Does he have any other homosexual tendencies? Does he try to initiate sex with you often? Could the girly mags just be there to throw you off? My uncle is gay and his partner comes off as very straight, the guy was even married with kids for many years. I dunno like I said it maybe is completely ridiculous of me to suggest, it just struck me as odd is all.

 

[n_c]

Like the op mentioned, the magazines are one thing and you having a low sex drive is another. But the swapping pics with other men is something that really throws it off. I think there might a whole different issue that is out of your hands.

 

[LMD84]

to be honest i think your husband is just taking pictures and swapping them with people is not because he's secretly gay - it's because he's lonely and wants love from his wife. about a year ago i went through a stage of not wanting sex with my husband but as leenybeeny said - just do it!! even if i wasn't into it at the start i did end up enjoying it during and afterwards i loved the closeness it gave me.

maybe sit down and have a long chat about helping each other - is there anything he can do to get you in the mood more often and you could try and initiate sex more often.

i hope things work out ok for you both.

 

[Fataliya]

Sorry, but I'd do more than smash that phone, I'd bust him upside his big ass head, as well.

Posting pictures like that would be a marriage ender for me, whether someone's needs weren't being met or not, that is NOT the way to handle marital problems.

And the part about men would give me pause, as well. I'd be pissed if I invested 20 some years in a marriage and then found out my husband was gay. That would break my heart, and kill my ego.

I think you've got more than one problem going on right now.

But yeah, I still say bust him upside his head. Dick pics? Seriously??

How do you know he's not meeting these people and having unprotected sex?