Distant past a sign of the future?

[Beauty Mark]

So I'm seeing someone, and he's amazingly kind, loving, etc.

On Saturday, he's revealed he's done terribly violent things to his sister in the past when he was a teenager. The last incident was a decade ago, and I wouldn't have suspected anything of that nature, considering the kind of relationship he has with her and his entire family. He claims that he has learned basically how to control his temper since, and I do see him working on things to keep himself in check and in peace (he studies martial arts and is very close with his mentor).

I like to believe that the past can be in the past, and I laud him for being honest with me about his past. I really do like him a lot, but part of me wonders if I'm just kidding myself. Anyone have any good thoughts in either direction?

 

[MACATTAK]

It is possible for change, though very hard. I would keep my guard up since he does have these tendencies. I do think it's good that he actually "revealed" these things to you, rather than you finding out another way.

 

[coachkitten]

I think that you need to find out more about his journey of healing his past. I 100% believe that people can change who they are due to the bad things they have done but it takes a lot of time, soul searching, and extreme desire to change.
It sounds like since he was honest with you that is a good indication that he is different but I agree that you should be slightly guarded until you learn more about what he has done to make sure these issues don't come up again.

 

[FullWroth]

I totally agree with everyone who's commented. Keep your wits about you, as they say, but don't be hyper-vigilant either, 'cause it could end up making you overreact because you're looking for any little sign of trouble.

It does sound like he's working on it if he's freely admitted it to you without being interrogated about it first, so I wouldn't call the women's shelter just yet or anything, just make sure you have an exit plan in your head should things turn sour.

 

[SparklingWaves]

I would have a lot of questions for him.

Why was he violent with the sister?
Was she violent with him?
How did the violence end?
What is the real reason why he learning martial arts?
How does he handle his anger today?
Do you in anyway resemble his sister?
Ask him who do you remind him of?

Question for you -
Have you ever been with a man that was abusive? We unconsciously pick mates with similar traits.

 

[Beauty Mark]

No one has ever directed violence towards me, and I do not know that I have dated anyone with a violent past.

He claims that one really bad incident made him realize the kind of path he was leading. He admits that his sister really didn't do anything to cause that kind of outburst. He went through counseling. He does have very striking similarities to my ex, at least he did; she was very cold at times, wouldn't contact me for long periods, pretended to be emotionless... He claims that's how he was for awhile.

The martial arts thing- this guy at school he looks up to (I'm friends with this guy, and he's probably the most gentle person I know) decided to take him on as a student. His mentor is highly into using the entire martial arts philosophy towards his life. From what I understand, it's a very calming, respectful thing towards life and a lot of their training has very little to do with physical combat. My boyfriend really liked the natural aspect of it. I figure it must be a good step, since his mentor is highly dedicated towards it, uses it in everything aspect of his life, and is one of the nicest, calmest people I know. The mentor has a yoga instructor vibe about him.

I think he's taking life in a different way than before and not getting so upset about things or if he does, he goes to the gym or does all these artsy things (photographs, draws). He was like 14 when he last was really violent with his sister, so I don't know if that makes a difference. I know it isn't exactly the same, but I was horribly depressed person at 12/13; I'm not the same person I was then at all.

Before this even got mentioned, I asked him if I do resemble anyone in his life (I was really startled he was so similar to my ex). Evidently, I do not. His sister, from what I understand, is kind of flighty and irresponsible. I honestly wouldn't generalize myself as either. I have very little in common with his ex (both not identifying as straight, both had a parent die at a young age), but his ex, from what he's said, is irresponsible and a heavy drug user.

Thanks

 

[SparklingWaves]

I like that he has been open with you and has had counseling. Also, he has healthy channels to express himself. From what you are saying, he seems to have insight into himself. Those are all very positive qualities.