For those ladies who have been through a divorce..

[MelissaAnn]

What finally made you realize it wasnt working. Was there an a-ha moment? Did you know from the beginning? When did you decide to throw in the towel and it wasnt worth working on or saving?? For me it was a little of both...we married for the simple fact that I got pregnant..I should have known better, and that it would fix NOTHING. We were constantly breaking up and getting back together when we were dating. Then I found out I was pregnant..I was in the middle of school, I was semi young (pregnant and married at 20, turned 21 a few months later) so naturally I paniced. Everyone in the hubby's family said we "had" to get married..stupidly I listened. I was hormonal and freaking out so I let others talk me into something I knew was wrong and that I shouldnt be doing.

But then there are moments when we are arguining that he says VERY hurtful things to me, and I think to myself WTF am I still doing here? Im in the process of trying to get back into a nanny job so I can save up some cash and get out of dodge. Anyways ive just been stressed from all of it and it made me feel a little better to type it out so if you made it this far thank you

 

[User38]

Thanks for sharing.. I think we have all been through similar situations and we can pull strength out from it and carry on... best of luck

 

[bellaboomboom]

I have been there and it was probably the most painful, heart-smashing thing that I ever went through. I was only 25 then. I remember driving my car at night after I left him for HOURS crying. I look back now and can't believe I did not get into a wreck. I am going to be blunt here, he hit me after a fight and I was 25 and I said, I WILL NOT live this way. I AM ONLY 25 YRS. OLD! And I left. And it was hard. We were married. If you are not happy and if it does not feel right, let it go. I am almost thinking of deleting all this because it's too personal but I think I always knew that it was not a good match. He came from an abusive upbringing and was mean to others. Just never mean to me UNTIL we got married and he thought he could do what he wanted to when we got married. It only lasted 14 months but it was a painful lesson. Also, listen to what friends say. I remember my best friend saying to me a week before my wedding , "Are you sure this is what you want?" I was SO pissed at her but let me tell you now, I know that she is a good friend to me because she was right and was trying to make me see the light. One last thing, just when you think there is no hope for another love, likeI did, one walks right into your life unecxpected. I almost scared the poor guy away but we've been married now for 10 yrs. Make YOURSELF happy and dont' let ANYONE make you feel bad. PLEASE.

 

[Simply Elegant]

I have not been through this but I wanted to wish you good luck with your finances and being able to get out of an unhappy marriage. If you've tried and feel like the effort hasn't been reciprocated then enough is enough. You deserve better out of a relationship than that.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

I totally sympathize but I'll tell you this-- getting a divorce was one of the best decisions I've ever made. I'm not saying that's the answer for everyone but I think we've grown up with society telling us it's wrong and we should "hang in there" no matter what and these days, that's just not how things go anymore.

I got married on my 20th bday to a guy I had dated for over a year and looking back, part of the problem I think was that even though we had been together over a year, b/c of his job, I only saw him every other day for maybe 2-3 hrs, if that. I don't think I knew him or myself well enough. He was 7 years older than me and lived in a different state. In a way, I guess I always thought I was supposed to get married, have children and that's how life was supposed to be. I was anxious to get my life started and get out of the house and I just didn't think things through. I moved without question to Georgia with him after the wedding and after about the first year and a half, I started realized things weren't quite what I had expected. I missed my family like crazy and it seemed like he thought I should just suck it up and just spend more and more time with his family. He got to be pretty controlling but at first I didn't think anything of it or even considered it controlling behavior but eventually it all started to get to me. He didn't want me going home to visit unless he could come with me which wasn't often b/c of his job, he wanted me to become closer with his mother and he couldn't make a move on his own without consulting her first and then at one point, he went behind my back and got his mom to talk with the doctor she worked for to get me a RX for Paxil b/c THEY thought I was depressed and stupid me went along with it at first thinking it'd help make things better. Eventually I told my mom what was going and she was super pissed that they did that and helped me wean myself off of it b/c I didn't want to really take it to begin with. He got upset that I took myself off of it.

The breaking point for me was probably about 3-4 months before I finally left. We had been married over 2 years at this point and he told me I needed to get out more and make more friends so a coworker friend of mine and I went out to see another coworker's band play at this local bar. If our friend had a gig at McDonald's, that's where we would've gone. It wasn't about drinking or meeting people, it was seeing our friend's band play but Chris, my husband, later basically accused me of cheating and when he finally said he believed I had done no such thing, he pretty much forbid me from ever going back out to see my friend play again. After that he started doing this thing where he'd get really quiet and not have alot to say to me for like 3-4 days and when I'd ask what was wrong, he'd do that stupid man thing and tell me he was fine and then finally it would come out that I had done something wrong and it was always ME, always something I had done. Usually it was about sex and how I didn't ever want to do it or how I didn't moan loud enough or I didn't initiate it enough and then I'd feel guilty and we'd have sex even if I didn't feel like it and things would be ok for a few weeks and then the cycle would start over again.

When it started happening more and more often, I was almost to the point of wishing he'd cheat on me so I'd have an excuse to leave b/c I felt like I couldn't just leave on my own. I felt like I had made my bed and needed to lie in it so to speak and finally I guess one late afternoon during yet another argument, I had enough and told him we needed time apart. He started yelling and throwing things at me and some of the things he said and his actions made me see things about him I'd sort of denied up til then. He threw the phone at me, threatened to commit suicide if I left and was crying and cursing. I packed my suitcase, went downstairs to my neighbor's apartment and had them call the police. A few days later I packed what I could get into my car and drove back home to Louisiana and I knew when I crossed the state line that I'd never go back. I had said I wanted time but once I got home, I knew it was over. We went back and forth for about 3 weeks emailing b/c I wouldn't talk to him on the phone and I finally told him I wanted a divorce. I never wanted to go back there again and to this day I haven't seen him since the day I walked out. It took about a month for the divorce to be final and I haven't looked back since. I realized alot of things once I was home in the bosom of my family such as how controlling and smothering he was and how he didn't trust me and how wrong it was for him to get his mom to get that Paxil RX for me without talking to me first. I also realized that part of why I never wanted to have sex with him was b/c I wasn't attracted to him that way anymore but I didn't want to hurt his feeling so I never told him that. For awhile he made me feel like something was wrong with me b/c of my lack of desire but I've since learned that with the right person, there's not stopping me!! LOL. After his behavior when I said I needed space, he really scared me and once or twice I've wondered what things would have evolved into had I stayed. I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that I did the right thing for myself and I've never had second thoughts about it. The happiness and freedom I felt once things calmed down was amazing!

Anyway, after that LOOOONGGG post I hope it helps you to see that everyone's situations are different but really it's just a matter of what your breaking point is. It might be something you plan and it might not, like me. You'll know without a doubt when you're just DONE and once you know that, you'll know it in your gut and you won't have any second thoughts. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or horrible for making your decision and hopefully you have people to stand by you like I did. Let us know how it goes and HUGS!!

 

[MelissaAnn]

Thanks for all the replies ladies!! I just feel so stuck here because I dont work so I have no money to save, I didnt finish school so whatever job I find wont be very highpaying, we (stupidly) bought a house a year and a half ago..I guess I am afraid to walk out because im afraid of struggling. Thats not something I want my daughter to suffer through. I had mentioned to my friend I want to try and stick it out until she starts school in about 2 years, and she said I dont know how you can do that, being so miserable, but honestly, my daughter comes before me and my needs, so if I have to suck it up and stick it out that long I will. To be able to give her something better then I will. Thanks for letting me vent ladies, you have no idea how much it helps. I have no friends who can relate so its hard to talk to them about it!

 

[LMD84]

honestly i know it must be a screy thought to leave and things would seem easier if you stayed for your daughter. but please don't. my parents are still stupidly together and hate each other, fight all the time and goodness knows what else. it was like that for as long as i can remember. me and my brother hated our home life. and i always thought to myself that things would be better if mum would just leave him. but she said she was staying there for me and my brother. honestly i think it did us more damage staying in a stress filled unloving home than if we had moved away.

so please think long and hard - no matter what seems right for your daughter - look at it form all angles. plus don't you deserve to be truely happy with somebody else? it'd be sad to completely ignore your needs - no matter how important your daughter is. if her mum ins't truely happy - she will pick up on it - maybe years down the line but it'll happen.

good luck hun

 

[iadoremac]

i understand your wanting to stay because you may not be able to provide for your daughter but dont you think its more important that she grows up in a happy home. I think you need to take that step and I believe that you have what it takes to provide for her by yourself. Good luck

 

[MelissaAnn]

Oh I will defintely without a shadow of a doubt be leaving...just not today or tomorrow. I know I deserve much more and so does my daughter, its just going to be a long process!
Quote:

Originally Posted by LMD84 honestly i know it must be a screy thought to leave and things would seem easier if you stayed for your daughter. but please don't. my parents are still stupidly together and hate each other, fight all the time and goodness knows what else. it was like that for as long as i can remember. me and my brother hated our home life. and i always thought to myself that things would be better if mum would just leave him. but she said she was staying there for me and my brother. honestly i think it did us more damage staying in a stress filled unloving home than if we had moved away. so please think long and hard - no matter what seems right for your daughter - look at it form all angles. plus don't you deserve to be truely happy with somebody else? it'd be sad to completely ignore your needs - no matter how important your daughter is. if her mum ins't truely happy - she will pick up on it - maybe years down the line but it'll happen. good luck hun

 

[Dreamingeagle24]

when i decided to get divorced form my high school sweetheart, it was after a few years of trying to work it out and trying to get him to listen, but he wasn't responding. he began having a drinking habit and we were fighting all the time. i was like obviously we dont' bring out the best in each other and we were becoming bitter and hurtful with our words towards each other. I was finally like okay, i think it is best we get divorced and possible find other people that we can be happy with and bring out our best rather than stay together and end up hating each other and being bitter and fighting all the time. it became a disrespectful environment... i could not communicate with him when he would come home form work and start drinking. it took me a couple years of fighting, tear-filled calls to my mom, etc... to finally come to make the decision. i got married young, and luckily we had no kids, so it wasn't a huge deal there... i just finalyl admitted to myself it was in my highest good to be away from it. and now we are on better terms.

 

[Shimmer]

My moment?
Hrm.
It could have been when he told me to get the fuck out of his house.
It may have been the times I was laying in bed alone while he was drunkenly passed out on the couch.
It might have been when he would be so stoned, so drunk, he would stumble down the hallway and bash his head into the wall and doorframe, leaving a trail of blood everywhere...ruining the carpet and the 1200tc sheets. On numerous nights.
Or it could have been when he told my kids he'd kill them over a pack of batteries.
Maybe it was when he said he wasn't physically, intellectually or emotionally attracted to me on any level.
Could have been when he was adamant for a month after that...he didn't love me.
Might have been the months on end that I begged, pleaded, and cried for SOME kind of affection from him.

Most likely though, it was the night that I told him his life wasn't that bad...he had a wife who loved him, children who loved him (despite not being 'his' children), three dogs, a roof over his head, a pool in the back yard, a car that's paid for, a secure steady stable job, a big yard...everyone wants those things and he had them. He looked me square in the eye and said "It's not what I want, and it's not enough."

So I left him.

The icing on the cake was when he pulled a gun on me though.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

^^Wow, Shimmer...I'm sorry to hear that happened to you but at least you were able to get out. I know that had to be a train wreck but props for being strong!!

To the people who have kids...I can't give alot of advice on that b/c I don't have kids and never had any with my ex, but my philosophy has always been that it's better for your kids to see you happy and apart than together and miserable. Kids are way intuitive and they pick up on things at young ages and if you and your hubby are fighting like cats and dogs and you both are miserable, they are going to see that. My parents divorced b/4 I was old enough to know what divorce was. I have no memories of us as a family but I know that seeing them arguing and fighting/yelling would've probably damaged me more than having them apart. Obviously keep your kids' needs in mind, but don't forget your own in the process. That's just my opinion. If you're upset and miserable all the time, it's going to be harder to focus on them and they need you just like you need them at times like these. Stay strong!

 

[CajunFille']

MelissaAnn- First let me say that I'm not divorced, but my parents are divorced. I was 9 when they divorced and remember it very clearly. I totally understand why you are staying for now. When children are involved things must be taken very carefully. My mother was in the same position that you are in right now. She had 2 yrs. of collage left to go and she knew it would be hard for her to raise me on the income that she would have made by herself, so she stayed to finish school. The day after she graduated we moved back to Louisiana. I was very confused about what was going on at first, but I knew my mom did the right thing by divorcing my father. My mom and I went through some very similar things as Shimmer mentioned, my father was a serious alcoholic and still is. I saw all of it even though my mom didn't think I did. So this is my advice for you...get prepared and get out. If you have 2 yrs to wait you might want to go back to school. I'm not sure how far you got the first time, but it's something to consider. Get your mother to open a bank account for you sneak some money in it every now and then, not enough to notice at one time, but often enough for it to build up. Another thing, verbal agreements are bullshit! Don't let your ex-hubby have a verbal agreement for child support/visitation. Take him to court and get it on paper in front of a judge, otherwise you won't have a leg to stand on when he doesn't pay. I'm so sorry for what is happening to you and your daughter

 

[Shimmer]

Meh, it was what it was and it moved on.

Think long and hard and you'll make the right decision.

 

[MelissaAnn]

Thank you for posting! I am going back to school! Yay! I'll be starting in the spring semester, that starts next Jan! Its too late for me to enroll for the fall semester in August. And I totally agree about the verbal agreements..I have a friend who is in the middle of a divorce and her soon to be ex tries to pull that oh yea i'll take the kids or i'll give you this much money on this day and then doesnt! I will definitely do everything through the courts!
Quote:

Originally Posted by CajunFille' MelissaAnn- First let me say that I'm not divorced, but my parents are divorced. I was 9 when they divorced and remember it very clearly. I totally understand why you are staying for now. When children are involved things must be taken very carefully. My mother was in the same position that you are in right now. She had 2 yrs. of collage left to go and she knew it would be hard for her to raise me on the income that she would have made by herself, so she stayed to finish school. The day after she graduated we moved back to Louisiana. I was very confused about what was going on at first, but I knew my mom did the right thing by divorcing my father. My mom and I went through some very similar things as Shimmer mentioned, my father was a serious alcoholic and still is. I saw all of it even though my mom didn't think I did. So this is my advice for you...get prepared and get out. If you have 2 yrs to wait you might want to go back to school. I'm not sure how far you got the first time, but it's something to consider. Get your mother to open a bank account for you sneak some money in it every now and then, not enough to notice at one time, but often enough for it to build up. Another thing, verbal agreements are bullshit! Don't let your ex-hubby have a verbal agreement for child support/visitation. Take him to court and get it on paper in front of a judge, otherwise you won't have a leg to stand on when he doesn't pay. I'm so sorry for what is happening to you and your daughter

 

[m4dswine]

I divorced finally 2 years ago. We split up the year before. He left me after I gave him an ultimatum - counselling or leave. He chose to leave.

A month before he left he told me, for the 3rd time, that he didn't know whether he loved me anymore or not. I wanted it to work. I really did. After he left we didn't talk for weeks, then he rang me and told me he wanted to talk. I wanted to make the marriage work, but didn't trust him, but agreed to hear what he had to say. He told me he'd realised he still loved me and wanted to work things out, so we did. We started dating again, well, what he considered dating.

After a few months we decided to move back in together. Then a couple of months before we were supposed to move in together, he sent me a message on Facebook telling me he didn't want that anymore. I went home from work, waited for him to finish work then we sat and talked. We went back to his so I could pick my stuff up and I don't know, something inside me snapped. I told him I didn't want to wait for him anymore, it was over. He accepted that, and I left, went to my parents overnight. I came home the next day to go to a house party at a friend's house that he was going to be at.

I ended up getting together with that friend, we're still together now. After me and S got together my ex decided that he still loved me and wanted me back. It was when me and S started seeing each other that I found out that my ex had been sleeping with a colleague behind my back. He'd told S and asked him whether or not he should stay with me.

I also found out that he'd slept with another colleague about a year before that as well. All my thoughts of a 2 year no fault divorce (I'm in the UK) went out the window and after Christmas I petitioned for divorce on the grounds of adultery. It had been a stressful period up until that point, and it didn't get easier until my birthday at the end of Jan, when I snapped and told my ex what I thought of him.

My divorce was granted on St Paddy's day that year, and my gorgeous wonderful bf organised me a surprise "congratulations" divorce party.

I can't say it was the best thing I've ever done. It was necessary to remove me from that situation. My ex leaving was the most heartbreaking, traumatic thing i have ever been through, even more traumatic than losing my uncle, my grandparents, all the betrayals I have suffered. I am still living with the consequences of the trauma today - I am just commencing a course of herbal treatment to put my body back together finally.

I got married young and quickly, but I don't regret it. It shaped me as a person, and if I hadn't been in that situation I might not have met S, who is absolutely wonderful.

 

[Shimmer]

So this thread got me to thinking today, and I heard a song on the radio by George Strait called "Give It Away" and I flashed back to a day when we were going to a video game convention, and that particular song played.
I remember thinking "Good Lord. This is about us."
That was 2007.
That song was when I realized it was inevitably over.

 

[xxManBeaterxx]

Tonight is the night I realized it's over. Things have been pretty rough lately and I want to believe that there's something left to salvage and give hope to but it's over. My husband is away for his little sisters high school graduation in nj, it's been 10 days and not once has he called to talk to me. I've been holding off checking his phone bill until now but alas 3,000 text messages later and 1,200 minutes worth of calls with a single nj number that doesn't belong to me.

 

[Shimmer]

Good Lord.

Good luck.

 

[LMD84]

Quote:

Originally Posted by xxManBeaterxx Tonight is the night I realized it's over. Things have been pretty rough lately and I want to believe that there's something left to salvage and give hope to but it's over. My husband is away for his little sisters high school graduation in nj, it's been 10 days and not once has he called to talk to me. I've been holding off checking his phone bill until now but alas 3,000 text messages later and 1,200 minutes worth of calls with a single nj number that doesn't belong to me.

Jesus

i hope you'll be ok hun