Friend drama....LOOOOONG

[CantAffordMAC]

Me and my boyfriend have been broken up since February. I have been dating/sleeping with a few guys since then, but that’s MY business. My best friend knew about this, because she knew everything. (we’ll call my “friend” K)

Back in April, she started talking to her baby’s dad’s best friend (we’ll call him B). They ended up taking things to a physical level and even though she knew that’s all he wanted from her (he told her that) she figured (and I quote…) “Maybe years down the line he will want a relationship”

Mind you, B had a girlfriend, whom my friend K was cool with at the time….so she basically fucked her friend’s man.

Okay so they fuck. And he stops calling her after, and then one day calls her, while drunk, and tells her that his girlfriend is pregnant with another man’s baby, but he is going to stick around and work things out with her. So my friend feels stupid, but she lets it go and moves on.

Well things didn’t work out with him and his girlfriend, okay so now he’s single. Like a month or so ago, B send me a message on myspace and we begin talking. Just as friends. I told my friend K about it, the first thing out of her mouth was “Oh, wow you should fuck him”

Ooooooooookay? Anyways!

Things get more flirtatious with me and B, and he ends up basically inviting me to hang out with him. I wouldn’t call myself a whore, I don’t think Im that promiscuous, but Im a grown woman and if I decide to sleep with someone that’s MY business

I tell my friend everything. I told her that he wanted to hang out, but I kept telling her I wouldn’t do that to her because she would be upset, and we were best friends. Time after time, she told me “Well if he wanted me he wouldn’t be trying to fuck you…I don’t care what you do, I don’t want him…” I cant tell you how many times she repeated this to me. Okay so this being 4-5 months AFTER they fucked, I figured she really didn’t care. So me and B began talking about hanging out more.

My friend was still calling me and talking to me all the time during all of this. She was calling me, telling me about the new guy shes talking to, etc. She never mentioned B…..

Me and her hang out on Saturday night, with these 2 guys. She mentioned me hangin out with B, and I mentioned sarcastically “No that’s not until next week” and she said “ooooooh okay!” But like, that was it. The whole ride home she is telling me how much shes into this NEW guy that we hung out with on Saturday (so ladies and gentleman, that’s 2 men that she “really really likes” she is one of the types that always thinks every guy is the one)

She texts me today telling me Im a backstabber blah blah blah. Basically our argument was: She thinks I am wrong for talking to B and planning on sleeping with him. I told her, that if she felt so strongly about it, then she should have told me when I ASKED her, that she didn’t want me to do it. I would never jeopardize our friendship over a guy…me and her been friends for like 4 years or so. If she would have been a woman and said “Rebecca, I wouldn’t be comfortable with you going out with him” I would have respected that and moved on. A fuck is not that important to me. But at the same time, if you tell me that you really don’t care, and you’re talking to 2 different guys at the same time, Im gonna think you don’t care. So then she tells me “It’s the principle….” I said NO K, if you still have feelings for him, be a woman and say it, but don’t lie and act like you don’t. If I didn’t have feelings left for someone, I would be honest and say that….he is not her boyfriend, never was, and never will be. How can you get mad at ME, for doing something with a guy, that used you to fuck? And you KNEW he was using you to fuck?

We said some reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally bad things to eachother….she tried to call me nasty because of the guys Ive slept with since Ive been newly single. Yet shes slept with 30+ guys, slept with guys for money, slept with guys for material things, given blowjobs for a ride home, slept with girls, slept with her babys dads best friend, had numerous abortions, cheated, had sex with guys who had girlfriends…..and IM nasty????

There is no going back from this: I am stubborn and hard headed, I would never go back and apologize or kiss her ass or even try to fix things. That is not my personality. I cant believe I lost my best friend of 4 years, but at the same time I don’t think I did anything wrong, and everything happens for a reason…

She basically told em she didnt want anything to do with me. AND BY THE WAY, her babys dad never found out about B and K sleeping together. He did however, begin a relationship with one of K's friends. Karma, anyone? She says karma will bite me in the ass: I dont see how, I dont think I did anything wrong at all?

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

She sounds like trouble to me. Playing mind games with someone is immature and dumb, and all it's going to do is drain you. She sounds pretty toxic to me. If she apologises to you and you can accept it, that's great, but you don't owe her shit.

 

[panther27]

She sounds sorta two-faced to me

I mean,why would she say that it's okay for you to hang out with him and then turn around and get all pissed about it?

 

[anjelik_dreamin]

Honestly, sometimes I think girls like that just like starting shit.

 

[gooblyglob]

She's obviously very immature...whether she's greedy and thinks she deserves to have it all, or she's in denial of her feelings...she does sound quite messed up...I don't know if I'd be comfortable just letting go of her as she was a good friend for a number of years, maybe just keep an eye on her from a distance? But I don't know, that's just what I think, you have to do what your gut instinct tells you to.

 

[florabundance]

It sounds kind of like she feels genuinely hurt by B, but it's not that she cant be WOMAN enough to say it - it's more as though there is a problem emotionally, and i say that because of the way you described her using sex as a means to get rides home, money etc. and this may not always be the case, but i'm sure "numerous" abortions will leave some kind of scar at some point.
It sounds like she doesn't know how to channel real feelings, or something along those lines and she's pissed at you for not getting it.
From what I read she doesn't sound like trouble, she sounds troubled...i dunno, cos obviously i dont know her, but would you say that's a possibility?

I think the issue is far more than just about you sleeping with B. I think it's maybe what B did to her actually hit her harder than she's willing to say, or maybe that B represents a lot of disappointments in her life??

 

[Simply Elegant]

I think she's being really passive aggressive and it's not okay for her to lie about how she feels about him and then attacking you for wanting him. You gave her enough chances to change her mind and tell you how she feels and she probably didn't think you'd actually go for him so now she probably regrets not telling you and is bashing you to make herself feel better. It doesn't seem logical to me to be mad at someone that she lied to.

 

[NutMeg]

I think she's being pretty immature, but like some of the other posters have commented, she also sounds pretty troubled. And I think if you're going to engage in behaviour like you have (ie sleeping with several guys who may/may not have been involved with friends/acquaintances) you're just asking for drama. No judgment or anything, but you've got to be prepared for something like this to happen. Anyway, I hope things calm down, nobody likes drama with their best friend.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simply Elegant I think she's being really passive aggressive and it's not okay for her to lie about how she feels about him and then attacking you for wanting him. You gave her enough chances to change her mind and tell you how she feels and she probably didn't think you'd actually go for him so now she probably regrets not telling you and is bashing you to make herself feel better. It doesn't seem logical to me to be mad at someone that she lied to.

Great advice

I totally agree

 

[Cinci]

ok, well i'm gonna go against the grain here.. In my circle of friends.. we all have the unspoken rule.. You NEVER go near someone your friend was involved with, no matter what the circumstances. My girls are like my sisters, and none of us are willing to risk the possibility of causing tension in our friendships over a guy. Doesn't matter if they are still into him or not, doesn't matter how long ago it was, doesn't matter how long they lasted. Once he was with one of our friends, he's off limits to the rest of us. We wouldn't even consider it. We're all going to be friends for life, cause we wont let anything come between us, and we can all trust that we put eachother ahead of any men.

One girl within our group hooked up with my boyfriend years ago.. I lost all trust in her, and our friendship went from being really close, to just aquaintences. The other girls we hang out no longer trust her either, and they stopped talking to her (not because I asked them to or anything, cause i'm infact the only one who speaks to her - but because none of them want to be close with someone they cant trust)

That being said, I think her reaction to it is a bit immature.. She should have told you before hand. But at the same time.. If you were such good friends, how come you couldn't see through it? I can always tell when my best friend is lying or trying to hide her true feelings. Was it that she's that good of a liar? Or did you just not want to see the truth?

I think both of you need to apolgize.

 

[Krasevayadancer]

She sounds like no friend of yours. Petty, self centered and selfish.

I am sorry to hear about this situation. She had no right to go off on you like that. Do what you feel is best for you and whatever makes you comfortable, don't worry about anyone else (K & B included)

 

[MiCHiE]

First off, I have to say.....as much as you stress how much your sex life is your business, your friends knows what's going on between your legs as much as you do. That's the first thing that's wrong with this relationship. Y'all are damn near in Penis Olympics with each other.

Seriously though....your sex life is your business and your life and you should keep it that way. That prevents K from throwing your own business back in your face. I also think she might have had some feelings for B despite what she's telling you and you hanging out with him is a breach of her trust, even if he did pursue you. And while I'm not a doctor and I don't personally know either one of you, I think both of y'all have some serious issues with men that you need to work out. Seriously, psychologically healthy women do not bounce from man to man with no feelings in between and, in the long run, that's why your friend is hurt. I wish you the best, but you need to find men who are not sleeping close to home and stop telling your business in the meantime.

 

[chaut_01]

WOW...."K" is one weird girl. she should have told you up front about how she reallly felt.

 

[*Stargazer*]

I don't know how to phrase this without it sounded like judgment, but maybe it's time for things to just be about Rebecca. It certainly sounds like K has issues, but putting that to the side, maybe you would benefit from a little bit of a break from men.

I really, sincerely mean that with lots of good will behind it, so please keep that in mind.

 

[Beauty Mark]

While you didn't do anything wrong (you asked, she gave an answer), it sounds like messing around with people in that circle is only going to cause you more harm than good.

 

[User93]

Hey hun,

Look, I wanted to say, that yeah, she is acting immature a little bit, but i have to agree with Cinci. We sometimes can't show our real emotions, dont have the courage to say "yeah, it would really get me if you hanged with him". We all love to act tough, though we are not.

My friend met this man on facebook, long story short, they didnt work out. Then he suddenly added me as a friend. Obviously just like the photo. I asked her what she thinks, she said she doesnt care at all. But something in her voice made me doubt. I said, no, im just declining him and there he goes. She said "whatever", but I felt she was really glad about it.

I wouldnt have guts to tell my friends some things too. And thats a difficult thing then, cause first, you dont say as you dont wanna look pathetic, but at the same time, you are counting on people to somehow feel whats it like. And you cant obviously ask for that, people just wont figure out maybe, just like in your case, she technically told you she's ok with that, so she cant blame you.

I think what she did bad was being so mean with you, telling you rough things. It just hurted her a lot I think, the idea of her best friend going out with a guy who she feels someting for, even if all she feels is being mad at him.

I would suggest keeping the friendship. Cause if you feel close to her, that matters way more than some shady guy. A good friend is hard to find. I think you should just chill, wait a little, and then maybe tell her that its your both fault, hers, as she should have told you straight, and yours, cause maybe you should have felt it. Yours less, as sometimes you just cant tell. Hugs for you Rebecca, hope it all works out fine.

 

[aleksis210]

If my friends and I wanted to sleep with past flings we could HONESTLY care less,(long term relationship exes might be a little bit strange...) I don't think it's such a great thing to make them off limits simply because what one woman's trash is another woman's treasue...lol.. I think your friend needs to chill out, she can't have them all, and from what your saying SHE'S HAD THEM ALL...it's just so juvenile to 'claim' a guy, didn't girls do that in middle school? 4 years in a friendship is long enough to say, I don't know "so and so" I think I'd feel weird if you started hanging out with him...

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I really appreciate EVERYONES honesty. I must just be naive, because when she told me that she didnt care, I really believed her. Shes not a good liar, but I mean, you are talking to 2 other men that u really liked....do you really like EVERYONE??

I told her straight up, "it would bother me if you messed with _____" Okay, and now I see that he is in my past, and the feelings I had for him dont mean shit....SERIOUSLY if she fucked him, I wouldnt even care at all. but then, thats me....she obviously feels differently.

My whole thing, is if Im your best friend and we are that close, then fucking TELL ME THE TRUTH! Dont play childish mind games....we are both grown women. Maybe I should have seen through her bullshit lies, but I didnt. Because Im not a mind reader and I dont play guessing games.

Shes definetly troubled. i think she wants a guy to love her and settle down with her and be a father to her son, and she isnt getting that. All throughout our friendship, she would always say dumb things like "Im prettier than you" and things of that nature. Which I never understood why she'd say stuff like that to her best friend, but the truth is that we have both been somewhat jealous of eachother.....in some weird way i guess? I cant think of any other reason why she would talk shit about me, when Im supposed to be her best friend.

All Im saying is: we were super close and the fact that she couldnt be honest about this with me, is my problem. I'd never choose a guy over our friendship, ive ALWAYS been a good friend to her. But at the same time, if you tell me you dont care, then Im going to believe you.

When she first found out he messaged me, she tells me "Oh you should fuck him" Then later on (like a few days later or so) tells me "Wouldnt it be funny if we fucked the same guy"

I just think its crazy how she can curse me out and end the friendship over something I said I was CONSIDERING DOING....and I never said I was going to have sex with him, I told her we were hanging out. She assumed what we were going to do.

Anyways, like I said there is no going back....I am the most stubborn person. She is stubborn as well, but I am more so. I will never go crawling back, asking for her forgiveness or friendship. When we argued, i actually felt like I was getting a lot off my chest....I felt very indifferent. I never knew one time sex partners were included in this "girl code". I always thought the rule was: dont mess with the exes

 

[Beauty Mark]

She might be someone who plays games and justifies it to herself by thinking she's just looking for the truth.

Since she was your best friend, perhaps you owe it to her and yourself to tell her straight up why you two can no longer be friends.

It sounds like she suffers from poor self-esteem.

 

[Cinci]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC we were super close and the fact that she couldnt be honest about this with me, is my problem.

I don't think it's so much her not being honest with you, as it was her not being honest with herself...

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC When she first found out he messaged me, she tells me "Oh you should fuck him" Then later on (like a few days later or so) tells me "Wouldnt it be funny if we fucked the same guy"

I'm thinking that she said that hoping you would say "no I could never do that.." (in the land of Crazy, saying things like what she said are rationalized)

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC I never knew one time sex partners were included in this "girl code". I always thought the rule was: dont mess with the exes

Well for us they are.. not all groups are like that, but that's how we work.. But in regards to your friend.. I think more notably wasn't the fact that she only was with him once.. but the fact that she told you she hoped one day he would want her to be his gf.. which brings me back to my first comment in this post.. maybe she was lying to herself so it doesnt hurt her as much... and your job as a friend, is to see through these things..