Friendship tensions =( (quite long)

[florabundance]

I know I post a lot asking for help with life stuff, but venting it and hearing feedback really helps me assess situations a whole lot better

Okay, so for those who read a previous post I made about feeling lost having to take a year out before starting uni, my close friends leaving for uni, breaking up with the bf...I basically feel a lot happier now, but there's something hugely bothering me about me and my best friend.

Basically, our little crew was made up of me, her and our guy friend, let's call him S. Well my best friend was crushing on S for a long time and eventually they got together. I was also in a relationship, everything was fine between us.

When time for everyone to leave to college came (about a year after my best friend as S got together), it was obviously tough and i had my issues with dealing with it all. My boyfriend and I had a bad split, and I was distraught. I sought out my best friend naturally, and although we spoke once about it, she never called again or texted to ask how I was or how I was feeling. And i mean, that could sound incredibly selfish on my part, because she was starting something new and would obviously have to adjust to her new life at college. However, we are super super close. Always have been like sisters. The reason I sought her out for help was because she knew every aspect of my life/relationship, so naturally she'd know how much I was hurting. Or so I thought.

So i was hurt pretty bad by her rejection. But, my other best friend being her now ex-boyfriend..'S', We never lost communication. he called to see how i was..i called to see how he was. Things were the same as always between us, but we got probably a bit closer because of having so much to talk about.

Meanwhile, I chose rarely to contact my friend, as I honestly was really hurt. I tried to reach out to her in one conversation, where i referred to her lack of support. And she AGREED with me, recognised she was wrong..yet did not apologise.

Now they're both home for Xmas. They've obviously broken up and my best friend is apparently hurt that me and S are still so close. She told him that she knew this would happen..that she'd leave and we'd become "best friends". And to me, I just think..if she knew i was hurting, but didnt reach out to me (for whatever reasons), shouldnt she be glad that I had my other best friend there for me and didnt just have to suffer in silence? She told him also that she gets an angry vibe from me...so I discussed why with her, I said it would have been nice to have my friend, the person who understood most, support me when i needed her. She said that she knew she'd done something wrong, but never brought it up because she didn't know how to deal with it. Okay, fine, I can respect that...but still no apology. I tried to support her the best I could with her break up (awkward as it may be as we're all friends)...but she has never asked to this day if i want to talk about anything.

I just don't get it.

'S' seems to think that university/college has inflated her ego. Basically, we are from traditional backgrounds (her and i) and when we're at home, our parents are kinda strict about going out and what we do etc. However, now that she's away she obviously has that freedom...and I think I agree with him. It's as though now that she has that freedom that she's always craved, nothing else is important enough to discuss. She'd rather talk about her experience than anybody elses...and ahh..I just find it so sad..cos I just figured we'd always have our special connection. Which we do, I think...but .. i dunno. For the first time in forever, I feel like our friendship requires effort..where before it was like family..just natural.

Sorry for this LONG post guys. But what do you think? Is it natural for a friendship to be strained when it loses context and relevance?
Do you think I should just get over the fact she wasn't there for me? Or has the time come to not place so much importance on our friendship as it was.

Have any of you had a similar experience?

I don't know how well i've communicated the issue...but I hope it makes sense.

 

[Holy Rapture]

I totally get what you mean ... N unfortunately, I've had this experience

In a different way though ... M almost leaving office rt now so, I'll post later ... I'll tell you my story and maybe seek your help too

Till then, don't worry

 

[nunu]

I totally understand how you feel. When i left home for Uni, there was very little communication between me and my best friend of 5 years. We spoke about it so many times that we are drifting apart etc and we do try making an effort in contacting each other (she went off to uni to a different country) So it was hard to keep in touch by phone, text messaging and even emails because she's not an email/msn person. Besides we both had to top up our phones a lot because it's expensive calling and texting abroad so there were long periods of times were we haven't spoken to each other and get mad at each other for not getting in touch. But truth is Uni is sometimes hectic.

But, i agree with S, uni DOES change a person. You make new friends, you have a new life, you are basically loving this freedom and being out every night etc.. I think that you guys have just drifted apart and what makes it even harder is that she used to go out with S. She feels a bit jelous or left out because you 2 have maintained your friendship and she's far away doing her own thing. She might feel a stronger bond to the people she is friends with in Uni. Also being back friends with S may not be easy for her due to their history.
I would also like to add that even though you spoke about it to her and she didn't apologize yet means that she doesn't care as much as she used to (i don't mean this in a bad way, just that some people get a bit selfish and forget about others) due to her having this new life, friends and the freedom of not living with the parents.
I know i'm not much help but i hope that what i have said makes sense to you and helps you even a bit in understanding what i'm trying to say

Feel free to pm me.

Edit to add: After Uni is over and all her friends go their own seperate ways, she will come back to you.

 

[Lauren1981]

sometimes you have to just do your own thing and focus on the relationships where the person is giving back what you give out. yes, i think it's a little messed up but when you go off to college those things happen.
my freshman year (9 years ago. aaarrghhh! i'm feeling my age. lol!) i kept in contact with my super close friends but there were periods where we really didn't talk that much. that's just what happens when you leave highschool because you're basically going off into the real world. everyone adjusts differently.
your friend is prob just pissed because she may feel a little left out about the fact that you and 's' are closer than ever while she hasn't spoken to either one of you. you stated your side of it so now the ball is in her court. i wouldn't make a huge deal out of it because she hasn't said she's sorry. she basically said she doesn't know how to so i wouldnt hold it against her BUT just keep note of these things as they happen and then you can figure out how to handle different ppl & different situations.

 

[DirtyPlum]

I swear you are living the same life as me but just a few years behind or something!

I think you will have to put it down to the fact that she has moved on and met different ppl and is way too consumed in all of that at present. I would also say that you both have grown up in the past year but in different ways and ways that are no longer compatible.
You are still the same ppl but deal with things differently and clearly have different priorities. So where you can still speak to each other, the comfort and common ground has shifted slightly.

**I think you can either accept that and put it behind you, remain friends but not BFs.

**I think you should stop waiting for the word 'sorry' to come out of her mouth. Some ppl feel embarassed if they leave it for so long, but that doesnt mean they dont feel sorry or apologetic.

** Timing was an issue for you two, you broke up with ur fella and needed her support just as she was living it up with her newfound freedom and perhaps didnt want to be bought down (sorry if that sounds harsh)

** Of course she doesnt want you or S to be close. she is still hurting over losing him as her boyf and now that she knows you and him are still mates, she feels slightly awkward with you too.

** when uni is over and you have all matured (I agree with Nunu) she will be back and things may fall back into place. but in order for that to happen, you have to have this growing space/ few years apart to experience different friends - to appreciate your friendship again.

** over the years all of you will meet more friends and you will find that not ONE single person will be able to support you through EVRYTHING. You will then build a portfolio of frineds who you can rely on for different things. One friend will be great with r'ship advice, one will be great fashion consultant friend, one will be your day to day friend etc.

Its happended to me many times!
** high school BFF - just drifted after going to diff colleges and she didnt call me back one day and felt bad and that turned into years. we are still friends (via facebook lol) and i can now see how different we actually are now.

** uni friend - found a new bunch of friends after living in my pocket for first yr and started distancing from me. I cut her off cos i saw her nasty shitty side and to this day she has emailed me twice and Facebooked me 3 times. Each time I have not responded. Some ppl like her, just dont get what friendship actually means.

** BFF - remained very very close since we met even tho we went to diff unis but only past yr has distanced and not returned texts / meet-up invites and offered no support in my testing times. I'll remain freinds but accept something has changed in her life and i will just wait til she is her normal self again - if ever.

BEST WISHES
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XXX

 

[Beauty Mark]

I don't think I'd be friends with someone who acknowledges she wronged me, even if it wasn't intentional, but won't apologize in some manner.

It also sounds like she's jealous of you still talking to S.

Friendships do change. Unfortunately, some people will drop you when they find something new. You can still be acquaintances or friends with someone, but it may never be the same. When one of my friends, one of my closest friends, turned 21, she thought she was hot shit because she could go to clubs and developed this huge inflated ego. She basically surrounds herself with people who flatter her and think she's like Meryl Streep (she wants to be an actress). Believe it or not, I'm still somewhat friends with her, but I also know things can never be what they were. It sucks, but also, I know I really don't want to be friends with the person she's become.

 

[saab]

I think yr friend has met new friends and has forgotten the closeness she shares with you , when you get a new environment a new freedom you tend to forget the people whom you were close too when you didnt have those thse things .
i think this happens with everyone and it depends on the person you are and your loyalties , my best friend from school - we are still in touch with each other . on the other hand another best friend who was my neighbor when i was young and living with parents has moved on . we still keep in touch but you can see that its not the same .

i would suggest that you treat her as a good friend , i am sure yr friendship will still be there , but if she isnt as emotionally attached to you as you are then i dont think its worth it for you either ....

 

[florabundance]

Thank you everybody for your input! Super helpful.

@ Nunu - I completely understand about the 'not caring' part lol. I was also like to myself 'should i really care..she's far away, so what's the point'..but at the end of the day, I couldn't deny that I was hurt..so I just had to be honest about it. And I'm actually interested to see if the "after uni" theory is true. My brother and cousins have all remained closest friends with their high school/sixth form friends, not their university one's. It'll be interesting to see what happens!

@ DirtyPlum - I know! Our lives are the same lmao. And you make a good point too..to just let whatever happens, happens..and it's DEFINITELY true that we've experienced things that have made us grow in completely different ways.

@ Beauty Mark - Oh lord..if only you knew this girl! She's literally incapable of apology. Even throughout our friendship...I always try and just recognise that i've done a stupid thing and be like "my bad, i'm very sorry" etc. But she's the type who HAS to defend her actions. Even if they're blatantly just wrong. One falling out we had a while back, I was 100% honest with her regarding an issue which had pissed me off, and instead of trusting that i'm her best friend and i'm not looking to cause her trouble or make her feel bad, she just got incredibly defensive about the situation...of course until her boyfriend (S, again) told her that she was in the wrong. THEN she apologised. But of course at the time, you're so used to a person's behavioural patterns that you just leave it alone and get on with it.

But she's not a bad person at all.

She's had issues with confidence and the way she's seen by people, and so I sort of saw it as an inevitability that her new found freedom, going out to clubs would make her think she's hot shit. And yep, she too loves being surrounded by people who find her funny, or intriguing of look up to her in some way. And for me and S, this was always common knowledge..we used to find it funny and laugh at her about it (in a friendly way)...but now I realise how true it really is.

 

[Beauty Mark]

I don't imagine she is a bad person, but at the same time, there are plenty of decent people I'm not friends with, because they do stuff like not apologize.

 

[User93]

I'm sorry you are going through this sweety.

First of all, I agree, uni does change people. When you are in school, or hang in the same neighbourhood, you dont have that much choice of friends. Then in the uni there is a huge crowd, plus here comes the ego, you wanna seem cool, act cool and whatever.

I partially agree that you cant find everything and all the support in 1 person. Yes I do have a lot of friends, they are all different and we share different interests with every of them. But then again - what you're talking about is something more than just friends, but BFF. I do believe that when you are so close, people gotta find some kindness, support and mercy for you in their hearts.

Your friend acted selfishly, but well, cent judge that, we all act like this sometimes. I sometimes feel crappy to help a person out, but I'll try to do my best later then. Lets face the facts, i dont know for what reason, but she acted pretty bad.

I can understand her being upset about your friendship with S. now, maybe she was always secretly jealous and afraid of you 2 getting together, and now it seems to happen in her eyes.

When I joined uni, I experienced pretty much the same hun. I met a lot of people, and some I was so disappointed in! I felt so lost some moments, and now, on my 4th year, I just say hi to some people we were "good" friends with. I am still cool with my highschool bff, but of course we hang less, talk less, and just have less time.

I think you shouldnt try to understand what she does even. It happends a lot actually, people come and people go from our lifes. Some friendsd are meant to last forever, some just come, change our lifes ang go. Have you read "the alchremist? "

I'm pretty much sure she will understand she was wrong and come back to you missing you. But you cant force to hang with you. Lrt her do what she does. I've lost a lot of so-called friends, and I admit I acted bad towards some friends I had. We are cool now, but seriously, I feel awful for neglecing them

And oh, dont feel bad for venting here, I asked for help here so many times, you how awesome people here are

And you know you can pm me anytime

 

[DirtyPlum]

Quote:

Originally Posted by florabundance My brother and cousins have all remained closest friends with their high school/sixth form friends, not their university one's. It'll be interesting to see what happens! .

Me too...

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I think this situation is just maybe part of the whole inevitable growing up things. It's been happening to me in a way too. Sad to say but as people get older especially right out of highschool and enter college, alot of them may change because of different life experiences, friends, and priorities. They say that the people your friends with growing up may not be the people your best best best friends with for the rest of your life. Now in some cases its wrong but it does happen. But as you go on with your life you guys may reconnect a bit again and you'll also meet new people and have experiences. Many of the people I was really close to growing up all vowed that we wouldn't let anything get in our way and always remain as close as we can be. But its not as simple as that when lets say (not trying to sound negative here). Some of my friends have focused in my opinion wayyyyyyy too much into there romantic relationships and make that there life completely. While I on the other hand am focused on money, and school eventually and just hanging out like we all use to. But there not as interested in those things so we kind of drifted apart a bit. But whose to say we'll never be tight again? It may or it may not happen, either way life goes on and you'll meet new people who will become your close friends again.