Guys Are Stoopid

[Essjica]

Okay so since you guys gave me such great advice with my last post, I'm coming back for more but this time for a friend (I'm calling her bf). In my group of friends, I'm usually the one everyone asks for relationship advice but this time, I'm at a loss of words. They were already having problems but one night she's working late at night, he decides to have a little get-together with his buddies and invites this girl he's becoming pretty good friends (I'm calling her girl) with and her friend. He even lies to her saying that he's going to bed. They're all drinking and he's getting flirty with girl and winds up holding her hand and laying his head on her lap and possibly texting her saying "I want you next to me" (this one's a possibly because he admits to the rest of it but not to that but girl said it's true but no proof). Anyways, he admits the next day what had happened and that he lied. She's really hurt obviously and asks him not to talk to girl again. He tells bf that he would never do this to her again because he doesn't like hurting her like this. A couple days go by and everything was getting really really good. Better than before they were having problems. Then friend informs us that he called girl to tell her what was going on between him and bf (remember they were becoming really good friends). Bf confronts him but this time is angry and ignores his calls for 4 hours and he was so sorry he ended up leaving work early and writing her this humongous letter on why he's so sorry and how she's the only one for him. I've read this "essay" and it seems pretty convincing and for real. The question is... how do you trust someone after they've done all of this? How do you trust someone after they've done anything to break your heart? It's breaking my heart just to see her all depressed all the time like she is and I just thought I'd give it a try here on Specktra. Any advice at all would be helpful!

 

[kaliraksha]

I've been on that line before. My SO did things that didn't account for cheating but he sure as hell wouldn't have done it in front of me. The thing is for me, we ended up having to define what cheating was after that point- it was emotional, spiritual and mind for us. May not be the case for everyone, of course.

You can get over it or anything if you want to- that's the honest truth that I believe. As a human we have so much capacity to love, forgive and yes, even forget. Couples that have been married for years and find out their spouse is full fledged cheating can make it work and that's a bigger infidelity. However, they may have factors to motivate them to do the work- a life, finances, history, maybe children. It depends on what your friend's factors are. It really needs to be worth it to her.

Also, I would advice her to really talk to her SO and make sure they both realize that as "small' as it seemed it betrayed her trust and they may be working on this for years to come. Some guys don't think something like "hand holding" is worth being in the dog house for. I think some guys think if the girl says "ok we'll work on it" that means "ok we will keep being together but I forgive you".

IMO, I would tell my friend to leave him. It's dishonesty and that's a big crossing line. My SO did the act but didn't lie. I am able to understand the moment and why it happened on a purely psychological level (not that I like it) but hate lying as that's the one thing that can truly hurt an individual.

Conclusion- it's up to her! =(

 

[xbeatofangelx]

I agree with Kaliraksha. It's definitely more about the dishonesty than the actual act itself (Which was obviously wrong, the way you portrayed it). I think that her SO's intentions are also important. If the timing had been right for him, would he have done more? If she hadn't found out, would he have kept quiet?

Sad, sad. =[

Personally, I am ok if my bf holds hands with girls, hugs them, etc. etc. I know he likes me, and I do the same with some of my guy friends. It depends how comfortable you are in your relationship.

 

[kiss]

If I was in that position, I would probably break up especially if I wasn't dating him for very long. It seems like she allready gave him a second chance and told him not to have any contact with that girl again but he went and called the other girl again anyways. That would piss me off. I mean I don't care if my bf would give a hello hug but why get all flirty and hold hands? Only couples hold hands, friends don't.
I don't know if I were to give him a THIRD chance I would make him talk to that other girl and tell her he doesn't like her blah blah in front of me or something like that and I wouldn't let them be friends. lol.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kiss Only couples hold hands, friends don't.

I dunno... i hold hands sometimes with guys and girls I know just cuz it's fun lol. People attach too much intimacy with holding hands.

I agree it can be intimate, and in the situation she described above I'd prolly raise an eyebrow to it. But it's not always the case that people holding hands are involved.

 

[kiss]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raerae I dunno... i hold hands sometimes with guys and girls I know just cuz it's fun lol. People attach too much intimacy with holding hands. I agree it can be intimate, and in the situation she described above I'd prolly raise an eyebrow to it. But it's not always the case that people holding hands are involved.

I think it's odd. If I see a girl or guy holding hands in public I always think theyre together. I wouldn't want my friends or relatives seeing my bf on the street holding hands with some other girl cause then they will think hes cheating on me. I don't think people in a relationship should hold their friends of the opposite sex hands(unless theyre drunk and can't walk straight lol)but thats my opinion.

 

[Essjica]

Thanks so much guys! Keep 'em coming. Her relationship is so rocky right now. She's like telling me about how he wants her to get over what happened (even though it happened two weeks ago tomorrow) and how he wants to talk to the other girl. Like I see his point-of-view in wanting to talk to a girl who he became really close with (but they really only talked for 2 weeks but whatever) but I understand her's in that she doesn't want him talking to the girl that he cheated/lied/whatever you call what he did to her with.

 

[VeXedPiNk]

That's a tough situation!

But I think that if he's willing to risk his relationship with your friend by wanting to continue seeing this girl then he isn't worth it. I can understand him not wanting to lose a "close" friend, but if after only two weeks this "close" friend is more important to him than his girlfriend? It certainly doesn't seem like he feels bad for hurting your friend at all.

I wish her luck with whatever she chooses though

 

[kaliraksha]

After your update, I don't think he's in it for the long run and willing to do the work. Just my opinion. I can understand how he feels about making a new friend... but he lied to your friend and betrayed her trust and I feel as though he should be willing to do whatever she needs especially only 2 weeks afterwards.

She may feel like crap being without him... but how will she feel 2 years down the line realizing she never got over this and thinking maybe she wasted her time?

 

[kiss]

I agree, if he still wants to talk to the other girl after what happened it's bye bye time. Definetely seems like the other girl is more important to him than his own girlfriend. What a jerk.

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

Ok.. don't flame me for saying this.. but I think it was kind of wrong for your friend to tell her boyfriend to never speak to his friend ever again. But I can really understand why she would say something like that since a similar situation came up between my boyfriend and I and I said something like that too. But looking back I realize that it was kind of immature for me to say something like that.. And maybe her telling him not to see/talk to that other girl again made him want to do it more?

But if he promised than he should keep it or just not make the promise at all! I think he's all talk and no action. If he's so keen on keeping this "friend" of his around even though he knows it's hurting his girlfriend, he's not worth keeping around. IMO she should dump him and find someone more committed. Friends are great, but if he really wanted to talk to his friend than he should of had a talk with his girlfriend first to try and work something out first.

I would be a little bothered about the hand holding and all that.. but I would be more upset if my boyfriend lied to me about something than anything else.. HTH and good luck to your friend!

 

[kaliraksha]

I would agree that if this was a long-time friend then it would be "wrong" to ask them to stop being friends- but maybe stuff like "I don't want you to be alone with her"....but this situation sounds like she was a new friend, in which I feel like there is nothing to a little lost in that situation.