He denied it in front of psychologists AND me!

[GirlyDork]

I'm still very upset about something that happened. I need some ideas for getting over it that doesn't include dating someone new. (That solution is obvious.)

Here's the story:

I've been with my ex 4 times now, and I will NEVER be back with him. I promise myself that. The last two times I was with him, it was supposed to be kept secret because supposedly no one would approve. Also, my mother forbade it.

The third time we were together, before school we would sneak off school campus to fool around. He said he loved me, so it's okay, right? :/.

One morning last month, we had sex behind a movie theater near my school. We both lost our virginity. (BTW, it SUCKED. BIG TIME. But I had to fake an orgasm.) Don't worry, we used protection and I've already had my period. Anyway, it didn't bring us any closer together, and he acted cold towards me whenever I interacted with him in public. He told me to stop following him and only said, "...Okay then...?" whenever I talked to him.

The next day, I broke up with him. I realized all he wanted was to fuck.

A few days later, I told my mom and my psychologist about having sex and a secret "relationship". Nothing bad happened, and I wasn't in trouble.

A few days after that, my ex convinced me that he truly loved me and wanted me back, so I secretly got back together with him. He acted the same towards me at school. Things were building up, and one day, I told the school admin about everything that happened between us. (It's actually breaking two rules to do what we did: One rule is no PDA, and the other rule is not leaving school campus once you've been at school.)

My ex thought he could save us by lying, so he lied to the administration very convincingly that we didn't do anything. "I don't know why she would say all this, but it's not true."

"Why would I tell them this?" I asked, almost screaming as I cried. I couldn't take it anymore. "Why would I lie to risk getting expelled?"

At that point, the admin believed me. If I wasn't a hysterical mess, they would have for sure believed him! However, he was not punished in any way. I 'm the one who has to go straight to my homeroom teacher's classroom and stay there until school starts, so the admin KNOWS I'm on campus at all times until school ends.

My ex still hates me. I tried IMing him with iChat transcript logging on to see if I could get the truth out of him. He knew I had logging on somehow (either a good guess or his computer geek mind figured it out). He lied even to ME, calling me a crazy liar.

One night last week he called me when I was trying to sleep. Here's what we said:

Ex: I can't sleep.
Me: Why not?
Ex: I know the truth. It's killing me, and I've only been getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep every night.
Me: Tell me the truth, then.
Ex: We made love. And you're not crazy. We DID do it.
Me: Will you tell anyone else?
Ex: No. It's none of their business. I got it out, and now I can sleep at night.
Me: Who do you have to talk to then, if you don't tell your friends, mom, or school the truth?
Ex: I have myself.
(This was creepy because we were almost whispering so we wouldn't wake anyone up.)
Me (beginning to cry): You're mentally ill. You need help outside of school. You need a therapist.
Ex: I tried already.
Me: How old were you?
Ex: FIFTEEN. I'm 16 now. I thought it was working. But it wasn't.
Me (crying): *???*
Ex: You know, I DID love you. With ALL MY HEART. I only had you left. That and my reputation. When you told the truth, I had to protect my reputation, all I have left. You broke my trust. I'll never love you again. You almost ruined the rest of my life. I can't go back to public school. Kids beat me up and called me names every day there. This school is all I have left.

It just kinda kept going on...but those are the main points. And he STILL hates me.

I tried saying hi to him yesterday, and I was even in a good mood. He said nothing back and walked faster away from me.

I still want to help him. I want to fix him, but I know I wouldn't be able to do that, no matter what our relationship was like. I still remember the way he looked at me. He has such beautiful, shiny, big, dark chocolate brown puppy dog eyes with dark, long eyelashes. I hate to see those eyes so angry.

If you can help me, please do. I need to forget him and get over it.

XOXO Peace & Love,

Sarah

 

[M.A.C. head.]

I don't know why you told the school admin in the first place. I can understand you telling your psychiatrist completely. But why did you essentially tattle on him and yourself to the school?

Anyway, he's just trying to tear you down. So my advice is to stop trying to say hi at school, stop trying to IM him, call him. The best thing you can do is fill your time and your thoughts with good friends and loving family and hobbies! You'll move passed it.

 

[zipperfire]

I think I can help. Aside from 16 being a bit young to yet be able to pick the best kind of guy (based on experience and knowing yourself well and what you need) and deal with sex (which can lead to possible pregnancy or herpes and other stuff you may not want to deal with right now in your life) aside from all that, there are things women do that mess up their relationships now and then later--like getting allergic to stuff.

I REALLY recommend this book Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives In particular chapter 1 and chapter 4 will apply--problems with attachments and passion. If you read this, you will find how to deal with this guy and guys like him in future that will make you sad. The drama is way too distracting and not building you up for better things. The Link will take you to reviews

 

[frankenkitty71]

Hi there! I am so sorry for your heartache

I know what it feels like to love someone more that they love you back. I think you have too many obstacles between the two of you to ever have a happy relationship. You have to let him go. I have tried to fix many a broken man only to learn the only person I can work on is myself. He will get himself together some day when it is the right time for him. Right now I think you need to heal your heart and not be bothered with how he may or may not hate/love you. First, know that it will take time. You will feel a little bit better day by day. Next, live your life in a way you can be proud of. Be truthful and kind and you will have no reason to doubt that you are a spectacular woman! And lastly, ask for help when you need it. When you feel overwhelmed with sorrow talk to mom, counselor, or trusted friend. Expressing your feelings will help you get perspective. The best thing you could show him is that you are happy and healthy without him. Make him regret ever treating you wrong. Best Wishes, Jill

 

[miss_primer]

I dont want to hurt your feelings but you may need some help that is deeper than trying to mend your relationship with this young man. I hope that you will continue to see your psychologist. I dont know why under any reason you would tell your admin. I really dont see any reason for this, especially to risk expulsion and possibly criticism from school admin. or students. I think that this was just a sign of you being more than hurt about the final end of your relationship. I feel that there has to be more underlying issues.

I will say this that there are some guys that are only after sex. They date girls just to see how fast they can get a girl to give up there virginity or have sex. So i say do what all people do when they break up. You should cry and mourn the lost of your relationship and then pick yourself up and get back out there. Next time be more careful with your heart.

Also dont ever try to fix anyone because people only change when they are ready and willing.. I dont have any clue to why that young man treated you that way. But you can chalk it up to he is just not the right one for you and that in the future you will find mister right.

 

[hhunt2]

High school and young love is a hard thing.

When I was 18, I thought I feel inlove with this one guy. But after 2 years of leaving that relationship, I have figured out that I didn't love him... I just really, really liked him. Plus he was a guy that I considered as a "real" bf.

Love should be based on all aspects of the person. My ex was a big time druggy (mainly weed) but thats something I HATED about him. I dont drink or smoke but b/c I was young & stupid, I tagged along with the "drug-life" and found myself crying every night b/c I just wanted him, not the guy high on weed. Plus I wanted someone who was going to be by my side, not wanting me around only everyother day (or when its convinent with his schedule). Oh yea, and the only reasons why he wanted to be with me in the 1st place was b/c... I knew about/appreciated cars, I was young & full of craziness (Im the one who got him addicted to tattoos) and I mooned him. lol

It seems like your ex doesnt want a gf and doesnt know the difference between "love & like". And for you to tell the school admin, I think that's okay. The admins are supposed to be there to help you students, but yet again, thats why there are psychologists. Some admins take situations out of proportion (meaning some admins are very corrupt, just like some cops).

I think you should take time away from boys and sex. Do you have good friends? When I say "good", I mean friends who will stand by you and wont stab you in the back. Have some fun times with them... go to parties, travel (when I was 16, my friends & I would go to the beach or travel to a major town, for us it was San Francisco), etc.
Basically find yourself... find who you are. Later in life, when you decide to be in a relationship with someone you really love (and they truely love you back), life & your relationship will be sooo much more easier b/c you will know who you are and you would know what you want. But feel free to date around-- there are so many people in this world. Don't let your ex put you down. And you can NEVER fix a man (well in this point, a boy).... they will always stay the same (trust me, I've delt with it myself and seen it through my father. He will always be the same, "an asshole"... I love my dad but I let go of him when I knew he would never change).

 

[xxsgtigressxx]

I know someones going to get offended at me saying this but I am trying to help via tough love...and its just my humble opinion...

I think you have extreme attention seeking behavior. And if that be the case I suggest you delve deeper into why you crave the attention (I see no other reason why you would have told your admin.) To be honest, if I were him I would have pulled away from you too. You put him in an extremely awkward position, and if you agreed to have this "secret relationship" you are going back on your word and calling him out in front of people that have the power to discipline him and you! I am not saying what he is doing is right, you shouldn't be with him if he treats you as badly as you claim (there is no excuse, even if you are supposed to be a "secret") I am not trying to sound older and wiser, I am only 24 myself, but you seem to be swept up in a juvenile romance, to the point where your post is reading like a book... I think you need to ground yourself...come back to reality and really decide what you want and what is realistic. It doesnt appear that this boy is interested in dating you, and to be honest if you are risking so much through this forbidden romance and he still treats you like a jerk...what are you doing? Get yourself involved in other things and try to really examine yourself about why you felt the need to tell your admin, even your mom (some people are very open with their mom however) I just worry you're looking for a reaction.

All that said, I wish you the best. Im sorry if this seemed rude but I think honesty helps more than sugarcoating and hugs. And like I said, it's just my opinion, I could be totally wrong. Good luck.

 

[GirlyDork]

Thank you all so much.

And people wonder why I told the admin: I really don't know why. I just couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell SOMEONE at the time, because I was a hysterical mess. I still don't know what my reasons were, if there were any. But I guess things worked out the way they should have...

Yeah, I admit it. I AM addicted to drama and ANY attention. I don't know why. However, I'm on a new stimulant drug that is helping me think before I speak and act. It's working, but I need a higher dosage because I'm still getting upset and crying at school. No real "drama" since I've been taking it, though. Anyway, I still need to figure out why I crave so much attention and how to fix the problem.

Thank you all for being so honest.

Any ideas for distraction?

 

[Beauty Mark]

If your drugs are not working and you are this consumed by this guy, go talk to your therapist. Your therapist is really the only person qualified to help you figure out why you are, as you put it, addicted to drama and any attention

 

[caffn8me]

You're addicted to drama and attention because you have low self esteem. You think that if people pay attention to you (for whatever reason) that's better than being ignored. It makes you feel better when people are paying attention to you. That isn't necessarily a good thing.

I've sent you a long rambling PM with a few more thoughts which I think are perhaps better said in private and I've done it because I care.

 

[GirlyDork]

Yeah. That sounds accurate.

Thank you for your message, BTW.

 

[pcsocake]

As for distraction, since I know how badly I needed one when I was in such a mess after breaking up with my ex back in school, do you have any outside school activities to join? Get involved in any (well try some even those who don't interest you ) and just try to fill your days with activities. That way you wouldn't have much time thinking or analysing your relationship. Someone better will certainly be out there. Just pick up yourself and show the world your beautiful self. Take care!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I think you should focus all the energy you had used on this guy towards something else. Go out and have fun and find a new hobby, is there anything your into? Like art or music?

As for the guy I think its best to just completely cut him out of your life. Stop worrying about what he thinks or feels towards you, its not worth knowing or trying to get from him. It's only going to bring you more harm than good. No offense but this guy doesn't seem like a real winner either.

And please please continue your therapy sessions and express any problems you maybe having with your meds with him/her. It's important that they know whats going on in your life in order to be able to help you =]

I use to be quite an attention seeker when I was younger too, and I didn't care what kind of attention I got I just needed it. But I did a bit of realizing and realized that all the problems I was having due to my extreme need for attention were not only harming me but the people that cared about me (my family and some of my friends). I knew I had to quit right there and then before I did something really stupid and would lose everyone I loved. There is good attention and bad attention and I think you need to learn how to differentiate those two things and instead of seeking bad attention try to learn how to build your self esteem up and love yourself.

 

[SakurasamaLover]

Trying to fix that by telling to the principal and people like that wont help. If now, because of that, he's getting beat-up at school, it is a good reason why he don't want to talk or see you at school. Give time if you wanna see him again.

I think you should think more about what you do, with who, why and be a women about it. If you aren't and need to talk to a principal because a guy ignores you, or is cold even if you slept with him... well welcome to reality, sex doesn't buy the heart (or intelligence

of a men).

You have to be wise and responsible of yourself. Cheer up and use that experience and be strong, other people are other people. Be good in your head, with yourself so you can smile to everyone whatever you do and people think, cause you'll do what you do, because you know and think it's good for you.

 

[GirlyDork]

Thank you. I appreciate all this. I'm taking everyone's advice and getting over him. I'm tired of being sad, anyway.

I'm also starting to brainstorm ideas for a writing a book.

 

[frankenkitty71]

Hi there! It sounds like you are starting to feel better

Some people above have mentioned low self esteem as a problem. It was the reason why I let men treat me wrong. That is, until I got help from a therapist. People tend to say all these deep and complicated suggestions for how to gain self esteem. (not meaning anyone else that has posted-just in general) I am now 37 and happily married and this is what I have learned-to get self esteem, do esteemable things. Meaning live life in a way you can be proud. It can be something as small as showing up on time, making your bed in the morning, keeping your room clean, holding the door for someone old or with a stroller, complimenting someone if you like their outfit. It can be bigger like volunteering at a hospital or soup kitchen, studying and getting better grades, following the rules given by parents and teachers. If you live your life in a way that your aren't ashamed of, if you don't do things you have to keep secret, I guarantee you will find that life is easier. A weight will be lifted from your shoulders. I know it sounds all new age-ish and lame but I really believe it. Best Wishes, Jill

 

[NutMeg]

^Now that is good advice. I'm going to steal that.

 

[zipperfire]

"Yeah, I admit it. I AM addicted to drama and ANY attention."

This is the fastest route I know of to end up with an empoverished life. This path will possibly take you to a trap that will limit your choices down the road; what you do for work, your home life, your love life.

SINCE you recognize it as a problem (YAY!!!) you can do things to better the situation. Drugs just calm you down and let you concentrate but BEHAVIORS have to be changed, like bad habits. Have you ever adopted a good habit and changed a bad one? I did recently--we were leaving the dinner dishes til the next morning *ugh* because one of us thought the other should do them. So now I do them as I cook dinner and make sure all are cleared, every little thing before I leave the kitchen at night. It's so nice when I wake up to make coffee (reward!)

I suggest you read the book on messing up your life and how to adjust your situation. If you had a chaotic childhood and were ignored (very usual situation these days) this book will ALSO help.

Amazon.com: Bad Childhood---Good Life: How to Blossom and Thrive in Spite of an Unhappy Childhood: Dr. Laura Schlessinger: Books

 

[kristina ftw!]

Quote:

Originally Posted by frankenkitty71 Hi there! It sounds like you are starting to feel better Some people above have mentioned low self esteem as a problem. It was the reason why I let men treat me wrong. That is, until I got help from a therapist. People tend to say all these deep and complicated suggestions for how to gain self esteem. (not meaning anyone else that has posted-just in general) I am now 37 and happily married and this is what I have learned-to get self esteem, do esteemable things. Meaning live life in a way you can be proud. It can be something as small as showing up on time, making your bed in the morning, keeping your room clean, holding the door for someone old or with a stroller, complimenting someone if you like their outfit. It can be bigger like volunteering at a hospital or soup kitchen, studying and getting better grades, following the rules given by parents and teachers. If you live your life in a way that your aren't ashamed of, if you don't do things you have to keep secret, I guarantee you will find that life is easier. A weight will be lifted from your shoulders. I know it sounds all new age-ish and lame but I really believe it. Best Wishes, Jill

This is really good advice to live by - for anyone. Thank you.