Help a 20 year old girl who's down in the dumps...(long, sorry)

[jamie89]

Hey ladies,

I just finished my sophomore year of college and am back home for the summer. I have a lot of time to think now without the stress of school, and believe it or not, I'm crazier now that I'm home.

In November, I broke up with my on/off boyfriend of 2.5 years. We started dating the summer after my junior year of high school. He was my first love, and we talked about growing old together. There is this undeniable magic between us that I still get misty about when I think about it. I know that I truly loved him. I went off to college, and though I loved him, I wanted to live the college life too. I know, it was awful of me. I ended up getting drunk and kissing guys and regretting it. We decided to take a break, but stayed in contact. I hooked up with other guys and he didn't. I went to a school 3000 miles away, and he stayed at home (goes to community college). I look back on this behavior, and absolutely hate myself. I can't believe I could do these things to him. While I was at school, I didn't see anything wrong with what I did, but when I thought about it I hated myself. I came back last summer, and really hated myself. I began seeing a therapist as my parents were afraid I was going to hurt myself. The relationship was addictive. I would cry myself to sleep every night out of self-hatred and guilt/shame. I felt a physical and mental aching that wouldn't go away. He forgave me and we tried the relationship again. But right before I left for school, the feeling of love just went away. It scared me. We were so dependent on one another and I felt responsible for his happiness. My heart felt numb. I went to school hoping it'd go away.

It didn't go away. I felt so strange about the relationship. I still cared so much, but felt weird. I did everything I could to make him happy - skipped out on parties to talk to him, did anything I could. It was exhausting. We were jealous, fought all the time, broke up and got back together. Eventually we broke up for good. We have had minimal contact. I am always busy at school, so it was pretty easy for me to keep my mind off of it. I go to school for theatre, and my professors noticed a "change" in me, as though something was lifted off my shoulders. I have been more focused and am excelling in my work and craft. I hooked up with boys at school and had fun and partied again. Whatever. These boys meant nothing to me. The only boy who has is him.

Though I know it was right to break up, I still have so much love for him in my heart. We are in two completely different places - he's still at home (he's 21, I'm 20), and I will be entering my junior year of college 3000 miles away (then off to London in the spring!). I check up on him without him knowing, just to know he's doing alright. I just want his happiness. He is exactly what I want in my future husband. The circumstances just screwed everything up. He was my best friend and first love. We were passionate in love and fights. I think of him, and compare every boy I meet to him. I'm back home, and looking back on the year and feel like crap about everything again. I know I am living the life of a regular college student, but can't help but think that I screwed things up with, quite literally, the man of my dreams. Timing really messes with my head. I overanalyze things and feel like a horrible person. I'm afraid I've lost him in my life forever, and it kills me to think that. It kills me to think stupid decisions I've made have done this, and I hate myself for it. We talked for four hours about a week ago, just catching up, and I bawled. Just hearing his voice and laughing and joking and clicking like we do, made me so happy and sad at the same time. My heart ached. There is such magic between us. I adore him and all that he is. I wished that he had fit into my life and that I hadn't made those stupid mistakes. I'm so scared that I've screwed this up forever.

Please tell me I will eventually grow up. I hate being so immature. I feel like I've screwed up so much in my life, it's impossible to screw up anymore. I know life gets harder, and I'm afraid I won't be able to handle it. Any advice, ladies?

 

[blindpassion]

Classic story of first love. Mine was almost the same.

This is a right of passage, this is growing up, this is learning.

It will hurt for a long time, but you will be stronger, and better, and a bigger person with a bigger heart. You will learn so much from this. Do your best to remember that all these things happen so you can learn.

 

[jamie89]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. I just hate to think of him as a "lesson" to me, and that I've lost him forever. He always has a place in my heart, but I'm afraid he's gone from my life. Even now, I'm scared of living life without him. That tells me that the breakup was right - because I need to learn to be my own person.

I know I cannot change the past, but I can't help thinking of all the "what if"s. I'm so concerned with the past, and the future that I am not focusing on the present which is all I have.

 

[06290714]

I second that, blindpassion.

You're young, you seem like you got a good head on your shoulders and know what you're doing. You've got a life ahead of you, live it. You will never be able to take back what you did with words, gifts, or acts of kindness; NEVER, but you will definitely learn from it. Don't ever regret what you once did whether it was bad/good or in return was a negative/positive consquence because one day, maybe not soon, but you will be thankful because it's made you learn and will have shaped you into the young lady you will be. Love is blind and though you may believe he's your number one and everything today..it's possible for another guy to sweep you off your feet tomorrow, a week later, or a month and you won't make the same mistake twice. Don't rush into anything though..takes time to get over anything esp. a relationship. & I'm not just saying that to sympathize you, but from experience. I thought life ended when my 3 year relationship went sour and trust I cried every second of the day for MONTHSSSS..I eventually learned and realized that what was said and done happened for a reason and neither one of us could've changed that.

May you and your ex reunite? Possibly..will you guys never get back? Possibly. Only time will time. Keep your head up and stay focused on school mamas, it's the best thing for you. You're gorgeous, take care.

And remember, you may ask for advice or want to know what to do now but only your heart will dictate that.

 

[06290714]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jamie89 Thank you for your response. I am trying to remember that everything happens for a reason. I just hate to think of him as a "lesson" to me, and that I've lost him forever. He always has a place in my heart, but I'm afraid he's gone from my life. Even now, I'm scared of living life without him. That tells me that the breakup was right - because I need to learn to be my own person. I know I cannot change the past, but I can't help thinking of all the "what if"s. I'm so concerned with the past, and the future that I am not focusing on the present which is all I have.

He may be just a "lesson" to you..or he may be your future husband. Only time will brush that out love..Don't be scared of living without him. My mom always told me, "Don't make a man your life." You should always be independent with or without a man. I'd hate to see a young lady with a bright future esp. since you're in college go through something like this because I know it takes a toll on a lot of things, but be strong. And like they say..“There comes a time in your life when you realize who will always matter, who does matter, and who never did. So don’t worry about people from your past; there’s a reason why they didn’t make it to your future.”

 

[jamie89]

Thank you so much for your comforting words. Sometimes, after talking to a friend or parent, I feel better about things. It is when I retreat back into my head and feel the shame and regret that I go nuts. I need to focus on the present, because that's all I have. I need to trust that things will end up the way they are supposed to, and what's meant to be will be. It's just hard remembering that without thinking of what could've been different if I'd made different decisions.

Thanks again. This all means so much to me.

 

[SparklingWaves]

delete

 

[Enchantedcameo]

You take what you can from the experience when your are young you make mistakes. You can either learn from them or let them haunt you. And who knows in the future you two might get back together. I have a family member who dated her first love when they where 13-15 and broke up. He got married at 18 and divorced she was dating some loser and they found each other again when they where 20 and got a married a year later. They have been married for 5 years this November.

 

[jamie89]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I need to accept that I don't know what future holds and that I cannot change the decisions I made in the past.

 

[kaliraksha]

Here is what I've learned from my own situation that I can apply towards yours. There is nothing wrong with wanting to experiment, it is healthy. Where there is fault to be found is in deceiving someone and manipulating someone into staying with you. I see nothing wrong with you doing what you're doing and just staying friends with your ex. It's ok to not be ready to be in the kind of relationship that it would require to be with the man of your dreams. Down the line, you guys will grow up and may not be right for each other or you might fall in love again. What I do know is that being true to yourself now and being honest with him will leave the best chance of getting back together later or being happy with settling down with someone else in the future.

Best of luck! It is a painful right of passage and we each have to choose our own path with our first love.

 

[x0besoz]

ok so im kinda going thru this put i think im over it honestly i think that experimentation is natural and its actually very healthy your young and need to see whats out there he may be the one for you he may not but you should put your head elsewhere hang out with your girls pick up a hobby try something new that you've always wanted to do but never did meet knew people empower yourself i wish you the best and hoepfully life will work out for you

 

[jamie89]

Thank you everyone. I am taking steps in the right direction, I think. I have some problems with self-confidence and forgiveness that has led to a lot of problems in the relationship and in my life, so I'm trying to work on those things. I've started seeing my therapist again, which has really been helping me. I've also started journaling and meditating. I am going to start working out, which I hope will become a hobby that I'll carry with me in addition to making me feel better about myself. I'm working on a lot of my individual problems, because I think that if I can fix those things, I'll have a much better chance of making things work with my ex in the future. Thanks again for your encouraging words!

 

[ForgetRegret]

It sounds like you're working hard to better yourself, and make yourself stronger because of the situation...kudos to you for that. I hope that working with your therapist will allow you to forgive yourself and let go of everything in the past. As for things with your ex...well...I had a similar situation, he and I broke up and got back together a few times, we loved each other (still do) a lot, but it just wasn't working...whether it was timing, or just not meant to be, I don't know...but I DO know that I didn't want to live my life without him there either...and I'm so glad that I didn't shut him out of my life. He and I started out as good friends, and even after all our breakups, we kept talking. We still talk often, and he's one of my very best friends.
Obviously I can't say that the situation would be right for you, it may be too painful (don't torture yourself...) for you to have him in your life as just a friend, but then again, you guys could stay friends for life...or you could be friends and fall in love with each other all over again.
With any of the possible outcomes, the point is this; keep bettering yourself...and remember that before you can truly love anyone else, you must first love yourself...and sweetie, it sounds like you're well on your way to falling in love with that beautiful girl in the mirror. *hugs*

 

[ginger9]

I went through something very simliar with my first love. Firstly, don't beat yourself up. You are young and entitled to grow/experiment/explore. Also remember that it takes two to make a relationship work, sometimes we forget and carry the burden of a failed relationship all on our own. And what blindpassion and 06290714 said is very true.

 

[AmiS4ys]

The fact that you understand what you've done is hurtful, means you have a great mind on your shoulders.

As stated before, he seems to be your first true love and this is something everyone goes through.

Always think that no matter what the experience is, you need to go thru it so you can gain a much better perspective on what comes next in any aspect of your life.

This is one life lesson and you will have many more. =]