Help! My sister is driving me nuts!

[littlepickle]

My younger sister, Casey, is 18. She was in a relationship with Cameron (20) for about a year and half when he broke it off as he no longer wanted to be in a relationship. Casey was devastated, though said she suspected it was coming. She and I haven't been close for many years now - since she started high school, really. Well, the night they broke up, Cameron updated his Facebook relationship status (ah, Facebook!) to single and I immediately called Case to see if it was a prank or serious, and if she was okay (Cameron's friends have hacked his Facebook in the past and posted silly things, so didn't want to jump to conclusions.) That night we had a really long good talk and it felt like we connected the way we hadn't in years. She needed me right then as her big sister and it was a role I was happy to fill. I sent her out a box of goodies the following week to cheer her up - new make up, all her favourite lollies, an old Kelly doll she'd had when she was little (we used to play with Kelly dolls all the time when we were little & were really, really close). She thanked me profusely...

But the NEXT week! Cameron came to her and said he missed her but still didn't want a relationship. Would she be his exclusive f*** buddy, please?

And she said yes!

Aaaaaargh. I know, I know, it's her life and her decision & she has the right to make it. She's an adult. But that was about a month ago and since then they are back to the way they were previously - always together (you literally cannot separate them unless she's at work!). If you DO manage to get her on her own, she's texting him or someone else - you're never truly alone with her. I'm not the only one being driven batty - my mother & her partner as well as my other sister, Amy (16) feel totally ostracised (sp?) all over again. I felt like when they broke up, we were finally getting towards being close again (which I really, really want!).

What's more, when I have been spending time with Casey & Amy, I've been fairly horrified with the way she talks to people (all knowing, snobby). Amy had been very sick with a flu for over a week and Casey matter of factly said to her "Don't be stupid, you're not sick!" Similarly, when I was having a bit of a moan about my morning sickness (I am approx 5-6 weeks pregnant) she said, quite seriously, "Doesn't that come way later? You can't possibly be having morning sickness." Actually, I had to explain, that was a very early pregnancy sign!! She says other stupid things as well, but I'm sure you get the gist. I love her, but I don't like the person she is at the moment.

I keep trying to remember 18 is such a wacky age - it's the legal drinking age here in New Zealand, so suddenly all these pubs and nightclubs and the like are open to her, she's going to uni next year and as she's boarding with Mum at a minimal rate and working full time, her income is almost entirely disposable.
I guess it doesn't help tame her ego that she's tall, super slim & beautiful, with gorgeous caramel coloured Serena Van Der Woodsen-esque locks.

So, she's doing this f*** buddy stuff, which is stopping her from moving on, Mum is horrified, Amy thinks she's being a d***, I just wish she would come to her senses and we could be close again.

She's moving to Wellington in December & my partner & I are moving there next week. She told me "I'll have to come see you, now that you're having a baby!" - and she really did mean it that way. Baby makes me interesting, therefore (and only because of baby) she will deign to make time for me.

I've tried to talk to her without attacking, I've tried being as sweet and nice as possible, whatever I do she goes on the defense. I've cried & tried to explain how hurt I'm feeling - she just shouts at me.

Sorry for the length, but I couldn't think what to cut out. Bullet points!

• Sister dumped by her boyfriend
• Boyfriend missed her & wanted her to be f*** buddy
• Now totally absorbed in 'just friends'/f*** buddy relationship
• She's freakin' gorgeous (& knows it) & extremely self absorbed
• Everyone in the family (except Dad, who sees the absolute best in everyone) feels hurt, left out & jealous
• I want us to be close again.
• I've tried talking to her but no matter what approach I take she lashes out.

Any suggestions? Reassurance? This too will pass? Aaaaargh. I needed to vent so badly!

 

[Nzsallyb]

hmmm, this is quite a tricky situation, it would be hard to watch this. i personally would just let her make her own mistakes (she is an adult in NZ standards), and just be there for her when she needs it - if she wants to do something she will do it regardless of what other people say!

 

[iadoremac]

yep I agree! you should let her make her mistakes................sometimes its the best/only way to learn

 

[LittleMaryJane]

I'm sorry she's bugging you... BUT I know that I personally don't like it when someone tells me what I'm doing is wrong or what I should be doing so I tend to try to also live by that towards others. Her life, her mistakes, her problem. I'm lucky to be close to my sister and we get along but I've had friends just like this, who became someone I couldn't stand to be around and you have to ask yourself--is it worth it to be close to them or do I just walk away?

Maybe when she gets older you two will get closer. My sister and I were not nearly as close when I was younger (she's the older one). It might just be a matter of maturity and something she'll overcome.

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

Forward her to Savage Love (the podcast) and the SLOG. SO HELPFUL!
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2009/11/26/savage-love-letter-of-the-day-someone-got-a-minute

The best answers to the above link's letter of the day works just as well for your sister's issue.
"You're lazy. DTMFA (Dump The MotherFucker Already) and find a relationship that's more about what you enjoy about the guy than the needless, negative drama you're wallowing in today.

I guess the bottom line is this:

IMMATURE

How could I be so immature
to think he would replace
the missing elements in me?
How extremely lazy of me.

-- Björk"

and

"Down here in Australia (where it's also not a holiday), we have a relationship maxim that goes like this: don't go back to old stock. It's easy, it's familiar, and you're going to have some residual emotional attachment that is easy to confuse with something more profound (especially when you're feeling a bit lonely postbreak-up), but it's usually a mistake. Don't go back to old stock.

Ps. There was a disturbing absence of umlauts in your letter. Please feed our hunger for cultural diversity. All I know about Iceland is Bjork and bankrupt banks, and one of those things has an umlaut in it!"


HTH

 

[hotti82]

it's always frustrating to see good girls fall for bad guys, but it's a reality. i do find it a bit interesting that, in your eyes, your sister is "gorgeous and knows it". i'd have to disagree. women who are comfortable and self-assured with themselves aren't usually "f*ck buddy" material. the fact that they're together all the time and texting, etc when they're not screams co-dependence...Never a good thing. it might have more to do with maturity on her part than anything else though. if i could erase things i did from 15-21, believe me, there'd be more than a few. she'll have to learn things for herself, might not be pleasant to watch, but as long as she knows that although you don't agree with some of her decisions and don't necessarily want to hear about it all the time, that you do love and want the best for her, that's really all you can do. and as hard as it is, maybe put her drama on the back burner. you've got to be super excited for your new little addition and trust me, you'll need all the energy you've got when that little one comes along! just do the best you can, focus on the positives in your own life and things will work out...youth and it's desires pass away with time...xoxo