how do you deal with a narcissistic friend?

[luvsic]

Now before you say "find a new friend", please hear me out.

I don't necessarily think the problem is all her; she's not completely toxic to me. I've known the girl for about 6 years now, we used to hang out a lot in high school, and I really do consider her one of my good friends. She's a good companion, if anything, and I still plan on spending time with her. I don't want to harbor any bitterness towards her.

I don't think she's at the point where she's demanding love and praise for herself, but she's always been this way. When we have conversations, I just feel like most of the time it's all about her and her achievements, wants, life experiences. I usually just nod along and ask questions. It just generally gets annoying when every time you get together, she doesn't even ask how I am. Sometimes when we hang out, it's just silence if I don't break the ice and ask about something about her. When I ask general questions, or tell her about myself, it's usually a flat response - of course unless the conversation can be turned around to revolve around her.

When I say the problem isn't always her, I've been known in the past for letting people step all over me. I'm a really good listener when my friends need me, and I love to give advice. But sometimes I feel like THAT'S when they start taking advantage of me - because I'll always laugh at your stupid jokes, check up on you when you've been through tough times, care about you. That's what friends do, right? People like to come to me because I'll listen to them, but when I go back to them, they are uninterested.

Maybe I've had a run-in with too many of the wrong people, but it just seems like young people my age think friends are at their disposal. You hang out, you party, that's that. Is there nothing else? When I look for friendships I look for something more than that.

Ok, here's the part where you can say "find a new friend" lol, but really, is that the only choice? Or should I just stop being so sensitive about everything, and become more assertive? Well how do you do that? As you can see, I struggle with self esteem...

It seems like I can never tell a good, funny story (people rarely laugh), or carry on an interesting conversation, because the responses I usually get from people are flat. Is it me or them? I guess there's no real way to know..but any advice is appreciated.

 

[florabundance]

I felt this was about somebody who I loved a whole lot, but I chose to cut them off. And i've pretty much realised that my life is more or less the same. For me, a friend is someone who adds something to your life, and to whom you add something. Whether that's a laugh, or an ear, or a shoulder to lean on, a shopping buddy...or all the above, there has to be an underlying reason or relationship.
When there are two people involved in anything, it has to be 50/50 at the core of it. Obviously circumstances will sometimes lead to one person being needed more, or one person needing the other more (if that makes sense), but at the heart of the friendship it's equal. When I need you (for whatever it is that u represent in my life), you're there, and vice versa.
Otherwise what's the point. I can watch tv, if i want to only listen to someone elses shit.

It's great that you recognise your own fault in allowing people to walk over you, but really, a friend would recognise that quality in you and not take advantage. A simple "you're always listening to me...how are you" isn't difficult, for even the most selfish of people.

 

[LoveMU]

I've had this problem with a friend of mine as well. For some people, it is always about them, and seriously, it's very hard to change it. I think that you should be less available for this girl. It's hard because I understand the genuine care that u have for ur friend, and that you want to be there for her, but she's not reciprocating it. Eventually, it can lead to more extreme situations where you start putting her above other people, because she has so many needs and then you are putting in a whole lot of energy into her instead of taking care of urself. you would be so surprised at how easy it would be for this girl to drop you. don't think she is loyal to you just because you are to her. Honestly, this happened to me, I gave my all to my friend, she started using me because I was the only one there for her, but my problems stopped being important a long time ago. then all of a sudden, i did one thing she didn't like, and she drops me.

people with those characteristics are ok to keep at a distance. Do not drop everything to be there for her, do not put her above you. If you enjoy hanging out with her, that's fine, but know to be careful and keep her at arm's length.

I'm sorry if it seems like my advice is forceful and too forward. i am just expressing my advice and how I feel about situations like this. ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you need to do.

 

[blazeno.8]

I saw your post last night and I was trying to think of an appropriate response. I think in the end, it all boils down to how much you can emotionally handle. I've had two friends like this. They don't know each other, so they obviously weren't influencing each other's behavior.

The one I am still friends with I have come to understand that that is just the way she is, and I like her for that. I like having a conversations where someone is not always asking me about what I'm doing. Since we don't go to school together anymore (I hope that will change) our conversations do usually begin with extended greetings. If it ever got to a point where I felt uncomfortable with her behavior, I would be sure to let her know and vice versa. And we understand that about each other.

The other one, who I am no longer talking to was very much the same (in always wanting to talk about herself), but the major difference is that she did it with a mix of arrogance. After she saw that I was doing the things in my life that she wanted to do in hers, she became very competitive and started stepping in places where she didn't belong. It's not only that her self-centered attitude made her want to put her finger in the middle of everything (and then talk about some subject not concerning her as if it were all about her to begin with). I guess you could say the friendship became cancerous. After a while I got sick of feeling used and I got sick of feeling like anything that went wrong was my fault and I was hurting her by not giving her the attention she needed. And I left. It was painful, but I now know that she probably would have been an emotional dead weight at times when I least needed it.
The way I got through it was to tell my self, I first need to be in a stabilized emotional condition myself if I am going to be of any good to anyone else emotionally.

 

[luvsic]

Hey girls, thank you for your responses.

Quote:

For me, a friend is someone who adds something to your life, and to whom you add something. Whether that's a laugh, or an ear, or a shoulder to lean on, a shopping buddy...or all the above, there has to be an underlying reason or relationship.

I definitely feel the same way. If you define a friend that way, she meets the criteria - we shop together a lot, get our nails done, and she listens to me when I need advice and gives advice. But like you said, it's still not entirely a 50/50 relationship, because she brags about herself a LOT, (my mom even noticed when she stayed over for dinner, and didn't like it) I think unconsciously so. You're right, a real friend should recognize that I listen to her all the time and try not to take advantage of that - unfortunately most people are just selfish and only care about themselves. It's difficult the gauge if it's worth it sometimes.

Quote:

I think that you should be less available for this girl.

You know what, I think so too. In fact, recently before I posted this, that's what I've been doing. I rarely call her for anything anymore, but in turn, she calls me to hang out now. Since I'm home right now (not in school) we only really have each other's companionship, so we like spending time together. The thing is, I feel like if I keep cutting her off, she WILL eventually drop me like you said, which is entirely natural. But I think the important thing is to is to really figure out of hanging out wit her is WORTH it or just plain bad for me.

Sometimes, do you think that just learning to ignore her annoying quality would be a good option? I just don't want to lose her as a friend, I like having her around because she's very chill and isn't dramatic. That's why I said I should be more assertive, and maybe just force my way into talking about myself and my wants and needs when I want to instead of always asking her questions about her. After all, like you said, it's bad to put her wants before my wants. Maybe that's worth a shot before I stop all contact with her :/

Quote:

I like having a conversations where someone is not always asking me about what I'm doing. Since we don't go to school together anymore (I hope that will change) our conversations do usually begin with extended greetings.

That's really interesting relationship you have there, I've never thought of that! So you'd let her know when she was crossing the line in being self-centered?

Quote:

The other one, who I am no longer talking to was very much the same (in always wanting to talk about herself), but the major difference is that she did it with a mix of arrogance.

That is honestly how my friend comes across at times. I think she is competitive with me, and feels like she has to compensate for things by bragging about herself. I took off school for the semester because I was having a rough time - in turn, she talks to me about her intense schedule but wonderful GPA, and how being a med major is SO HARD (I know it is already) but she manages. I don't want to compare each other in looks, but she'll tell me situations where guys pay so much attention to her (she has a boyfriend), how guys stare at her a lot, etc. And I have more than one friend who's guilty of this too (in fact, almost ALL of my girl friends are!) - they'll tell me how soooooo many guys want a piece of their ass. How they were being hit on at this party and this guy was jealous about how they were talking to that guy. It just screams out insecurity to me - WHY do you have to brag about it with me? It's so insensitive because they know I have body image issues!

Back to the original friend, she's fond of the store of how she joined this organization you have to try out for, and she only got in because she was pretty, because they turn down SO many girls a year, but STILL, SHE got in because apparently she was good enough. Now she's not in the org anymore because she doesn't believe in their policies, but she's always hinted at me that she was at least good enough to get in which just irked me for some reason. It was probably because earlier that year, I had rushed for a sorority but got cut from all of them for reasons I don't really know why. I thought it was because I was ugly or Asian for the longest time. I rushed when I was an insecure girl who desperately just wanted to fit in, so I was crushed. I just remember none of my friends gave me support about it, they all just implied "well I guess you weren't good enough for it, that sucks for you." That wasn't just her (she offered me no support either, no surprise), that was ALL of my friends. I had friends in sororities and they all didn't even care either. So I'd say, a lot of my past friends weren't really friends to me at all.

I felt bothered by this because I allowed myself to, though. And although these shitty friends didn't help, as Eleanor Roosevelt said, nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

Quote:

I first need to be in a stabilized emotional condition myself if I am going to be of any good to anyone else emotionally.

Exactly.

As you can see, I have very mixed feelings about this girl. On one hand, she's just kind of a good "there" friend I can go to when I'm bored, but she comes with some baggage I don't really like dealing with. It's up to me to weigh the pros and cons of the relationship, and I'll have to think about it.

I'll get back to you guys

thanks for the advice.

 

[Half N Half]

I'm not really sure I have a good answer for you, but I completely agree with florabundance...a friend IS a person who adds something to your life and vice versa. I feel that sometimes a lot of "friendships" can be ones of convenience as opposed to real friendships.
I have a friend that I've known for a few years now. It's nice to hang out with her, we have a good time, but when I think about it she's ALWAYS talking about herself, CONSTANTLY interrupting me and when she asks me a question it's like I have a 5 second time limit and she turns the conversation back to her.
I've been asking myself if this is really a person who is bringing something into my life. I've had little contact with her in the last 2 months or so and honestly my life hasn't changed much. I don't miss her like I miss my closest friends after not seeing them for a week...and now that it's been a couple of months I'm not really dying to hang out with her because honestly, it would just be something to do.
Back to your story lol. I think you should just ask yourself some questions. Do you really consider her a real friend? Do you really think she cares about your friendship? And most of all are you equally adding to each other's lives or are you hanging out JUST to hang out?

 

[Shimmer]

Three kinds of people:

1. The kind who brings something to your table. They've got something to share, something to offer, even if you don't always like it.
2. The kind who doesn't bring anything to your table, but doesn't take anything either. They're just there, hanging out. Neither taking nor giving.
3. The kind who shows up and eats and never brings wine or dessert or anything.


Figure out which one you want to eat dinner with, and set your table.

 

[Macnarsandlove]

wish i knew. im talking to her now...

 

[3jane]

if i didn't know better, i could swear this post was about my sister and her narcissistic best friend. sounds *exactly* like her situation.

option 1:
call her on it. some people honestly have no idea they're that self-centered. (or they have a very small suspicion, but assume you guys are cool since you haven't mentioned it.) my sis did this, they had a long heart to heart, and the friend took it really well and is making more of an effort.

option 2:
keep her at arm's length. fun to hang out with, but not really best friend level, where you can confide in her. if you're more casual, you're not left giving her lots of support when she doesn't do the same. if you hang out less frequently, maybe both of you can rack up interesting stories, and she'll have time to miss your company.

 

[luvsic]

Thanks again for all of your advice, guys.

I think I am going to wait how things play out the NEXT time we hang out.

Thinking about it more (if you guys care to listen) I think RECENTLY, we have just been using each other for companionship. In the past, she used me because she didn't want to feel uncomfortable in certain situations. For example, we were meeting up with this girl I didn't really like and she had a falling out with, and she BEGGEDDD me to go with her so she wouldn't have to feel all awkward making conversation. I resisted at first, but then finally gave in.

Back in high school, she used me as a third wheel to hang out with this guy who was in love with her (guess what? he came out in college.) he used to be one of my best friends, but when we'd hang out all together, all THREE of us, he would always ignore me and shower her with attention. She loved it...but she never wanted to spend time with him alone because she knew things would get awkward, so she always dragged me a long. I hated it.

Then again, this was all in the past. She doesn't "use" me anymore because she has no reason to, really. And sometimes, I just get bored and need to hang out with somebody, so she's there to just casually chat with. Again it's REALLY up to me to gauge whether or not I can stand being around her, just so I won't feel alone.

She's kind of been a shitty friend in the past, but she's one of the only ones I've got here at home. It's like some of you said, though, if she drops off the face of the earth, will things critically change? Most likely, the answer is no. I think I need to stop putting so much emphasis on my friendship with her and move on, and do other things with my life. I've wasted enough of my time already talking about her =P

Thanks for your advice again, everyone. I'll keep you posted.

 

[florabundance]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Half N Half I feel that sometimes a lot of "friendships" can be ones of convenience as opposed to real friendships.

my goodness, SO TRUE!

 

[SparklingWaves]

delete

 

[Mabelle]

I have an on again off again friend kind of like that. I;'m glad i know her, she can be lots of fun, and i met my boyfriend through her, but God can she be a bitch too.
I've noticed in groups, she'll pick the weakest link and put that person down (even amongest friends). She's a spoiled brat and yells at her parents regularly if they don't do what she wants. She just has a tone that she thinks she's better than you.
Anyway, last summer she tried pulling the same old shit on me and my boyfriend. I didnt say anything, but Raymond and i agreed that she had been uber rude. I just stoped calling her. We haven't hung out for about a year, and i'm ok with that. Every now and then we talk on facebook. We might do something soon, but of she bitches out on me again, well, it'll be another year till i see her.

I only want to hang out with people that make me happy, not those that talk about how great they are and take jabs at you the whole time. Friends should be judgemental. If they are they're not friends and not worth the time.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

I had a friend like this before. She would always brag about her mediocre achievements to anyone we met, leaving me out, which I didn't mind since I loved her very much. Eventually she sort of just ditched me for a new pet and blamed me for everything. She has little humility and introspection. I'm certainly glad I'm free from her grasp, although she always tried to make me look like the bad guy. It might be the way that her mother always spoiled her and told her she was perfect, but I know that sometimes we don't always become close with the right people. It may feel right at the time, but sometimes a break off can make you re-evaluate stuff.

A self-absorbed person that cares too little about you should be broken off. If they're kind of arrogant, but they still care deeply for you as much as they care about themselves, you should reconsider things before cutting the ties.