How long does it take?!

[l1onqueen]

RANT ALERT!!
So, my boyfriend and I have been together since 2001. We have a three year old daughter. We live together as a family and everything is love...except, the thought of marriage has never crossed his mind. I know I kind did things backwards and some will say "why would he buy the cow..." but I always expected to get married and buy a house and the american dream blah blah blah. This year I have been in 4 weddings so that whole bridal frenzy thing has kicked in and now its on my mind more than ever. So I brought it up recently and he is like "uh yeah, of course someday I want to marry you." SOMEDAY! we have been a couple, a serious couple for 7 years! I am so tired of people asking me "when are yall gonna get married?" Not to mention that has taken to referring to me as his "old lady" and telling people I am his fiance'

I AM NOT YOUR FIANCE BECAUSE YOU DIDNT ASK ME TO MARRY YOU!!! To make it worse, I have recently come into a large sum of money and I want to buy a house, but I refuse to make such a huge investment with someone who obviously doesn't think that much of me. Am I wrong for thinking this way? How long does it take for a man to realize he wants to marry you? oh and i forgot to mention this: His mom refers to me as his life partner because its silly to her to say boyfriend when we've been together so long-she did this at her church a week ago when we visited her church in front of the WHOLE congregation, you know when they ask visitors to stand.

how embarrasing is that?!

 

[lyttleravyn]

this reminds me of the scene at the beginning of the Sex and the City movie, where Carrie refers to Big as her boyfriend...he pulls her aside and says "don't you think I'm a little old to be called your 'boyfriend'," and she jokingly says "ok from now on you can be my "man friend." haha

but seriously, have you had a serious chat about it with him? he might just be taking for granted that you would eventually settle down. some guys need to be told outright that you want the romantic take you out to a nice dinner, give you the 'i could never feel this way about anyone else and want to spend the rest of my life with you' chat, get a nice ring, get down on one knee thing. don't hold back! you sound like a woman who knows what she wants, so go get it! good luck hun

 

[TamiChoi]

I'm not married, but I think that he's scared of committing? I mean you two have a 3 yr old daughter, I think it's time he should man up. You want to buy a house with YOUR money? He should help you if he really loves you. Well if he tells people that you are his "fiance," maybe it really did cross his mind. Idk what to say about his mom. Is she nice to you and treats you good? If she doesn't, she probably fed some things to her son's head. Could be a possibilities?

 

[TISH1124]

You need to set a date....Tell him you guys are going to the jeweler to pick out your ring...and then you are setting a date for the wedding...Then the ball is in his court.

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 You need to set a date....Tell him you guys are going to the jeweler to pick out your ring...and then you are setting a date for the wedding...Then the ball is in his court.

I did tell him that i dont want to be an old bride and he said "you wont be." But I know him and he is a serious procrastinator, so I've already set a date in my mind. If he hasnt made good on it by my next birthday (7 months from now) then I'm out! I will be getting my own my place. My best friend says once i do this than he will want me back, but I'm not trying to play any games. Once I move out, I am done! Why do I need to do all that to make him realize what he has? He should already know, right?

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TamiChoi I'm not married, but I think that he's scared of committing? I mean you two have a 3 yr old daughter, I think it's time he should man up. You want to buy a house with YOUR money? He should help you if he really loves you. Well if he tells people that you are his "fiance," maybe it really did cross his mind. Idk what to say about his mom. Is she nice to you and treats you good? If she doesn't, she probably fed some things to her son's head. Could be a possibilities?

I think he is comfortable and he thinks that things dont need to change. I refuse to take care of a grown ass man, so if and when I move he will not be going unless we are husband and wife. As far as monster in law goes, you never can tell what she is thinking, she is super fake! I would not doubt that she is telling him there is no rush

 

[TISH1124]

I would just tell him we need to get engaged now...and I want to be married by this date...Let me know if this is not workable for you so I can get on with the rest of my life. I would let him know exactly when you expect to have a ring...and exactly when you expect to say I do. Don't set the date n your mind...tell him...been there...some men just have to know you are firm and this is not a joke. (I had one)

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyttleravyn this reminds me of the scene at the beginning of the Sex and the City movie, where Carrie refers to Big as her boyfriend...he pulls her aside and says "don't you think I'm a little old to be called your 'boyfriend'," and she jokingly says "ok from now on you can be my "man friend." haha but seriously, have you had a serious chat about it with him? he might just be taking for granted that you would eventually settle down. some guys need to be told outright that you want the romantic take you out to a nice dinner, give you the 'i could never feel this way about anyone else and want to spend the rest of my life with you' chat, get a nice ring, get down on one knee thing. don't hold back! you sound like a woman who knows what she wants, so go get it! good luck hun

I have tried to tell him how important this is to me, and he always says te right thing, but then there is no action on his part. Well, no he doesnt always say the right thing, case in point, the other day I got an invite to be a bridesmaid (again) and was not at all enthused. I was like "wow they have only been together for like two years" his response: "well we could take some of your settlement money and get you a ring"

You cant even use your own money to buy me a ring?! So, not only have a dated you for 7 years and waited patiently, now I need to BUY MY OWN RING TOO!? I told him i didnt want to talk about it anymore and I went to my best friends for the evening.

 

[TISH1124]

Tell him sure...If I buy the ring...I guess you will pay for the wedding!

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 I would just tell him we need to get engaged now...and I want to be married by this date...Let me know if this is not workable for you so I can get on with the rest of my life. I would let him know exactly when you expect to have a ring...and exactly when you expect to say I do. Don't set the date n your mind...tell him...been there...some men just have to know you are firm and this is not a joke. (I had one)

Damn! I need you around me! You are one tough lady! I think my pride hinders me from going that far. Do I need to strong arm him into marrying me? Not saying that you did that or anything, I just feel like mentioning it to him so many times already makes me seem kind of desperate. I think that is why I'm prepared to move on if necessary, my pride. I get super embarrased when people ask me "when are yall gonna get married" One ld lady even told me I needed to get a leopard print dress and some bad high heeled shoes and "show him what I was working with!" LMAO, as if he hasnt seen it already, you know?

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 Tell him sure...If I buy the ring...I guess you will pay for the wedding!

lmao! If thats the case it would be JOP quickie 4 sure-he is very "frugal"

 

[TISH1124]

I'm gonna be honest...It doesn't matter to me who would have bought my ring if the money was coming out of the same pot...My dh did buy it...but if I had had the money I probably would have helped him pay for it...If that was all that was holding him back. We were together for 2 years b4 he popped the question...and after he popped the question we were married within 6 months...

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 I'm gonna be honest...It doesn't matter to me who would have bought my ring if the money was coming out of the same pot...My dh did buy it...but if I had had the money I probably would have helped him pay for it...If that was all that was holding him back. We were together for 2 years b4 he popped the question...and after he popped the question we were married within 6 months...

For real, it wasnt the actual fact that he wanted me to buy it myself, it was the way it was said. It came off like "well if its so serious, if its that important to you, then you go ahead and get it." That hurt my feelings so bad...

 

[jennifer.]

i feel your pain so so very much. i've been with my bf over 3 years (but known him for 11!) and we're nowhere near even moving in together yet. it's getting really ridiculous. i know people who have met, moved in, gotten married, and even had children in the time him and i have been together. i've given up on ultimatums and what not as well. in the end, i'll probably just end up leaving his ass! i'm too old for this shit and so is he.

 

[darkwater_soul]

On the flip side... why do you want to get married? What will change in your life that's not already happening? If you can make him understand how important it is to you, then he'll probably get his butt in gear. He may not get it because he doesn't see why it's a big deal.

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer. i feel your pain so so very much. i've been with my bf over 3 years (but known him for 11!) and we're nowhere near even moving in together yet. it's getting really ridiculous. i know people who have met, moved in, gotten married, and even had children in the time him and i have been together. i've given up on ultimatums and what not as well. in the end, i'll probably just end up leaving his ass! i'm too old for this shit and so is he.

You must be reading my mind. I am not playing! When I go, I'm gone for good, and even though it will hurt like hell, its for the best. Lately I've found myself trying to determine what is wrong with me, what have I done or not done, said or not said that makes him not want to commit. I just refuse to allow someone else to make me second guess myself. Once that happened, I knew I had a hard decision to make.

 

[jennifer.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by l1onqueen You must be reading my mind. I am not playing! When I go, I'm gone for good, and even though it will hurt like hell, its for the best. Lately I've found myself trying to determine what is wrong with me, what have I done or not done, said or not said that makes him not want to commit. I just refuse to allow someone else to make me second guess myself. Once that happened, I knew I had a hard decision to make.

for real! if you have the means and you're not getting what you want then by all means if it takes you leaving him to realize what's up then that's what you gotta do. it will hurt but hey, either you'll get what you want with him or you'll get it with someone else. it's his call. you've got some things up on me though (children, live together, etc.)! haha i haven't even met ANY of his friends yet! family yes, friends NO. sad sad sad.

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by darkwater_soul On the flip side... why do you want to get married? What will change in your life that's not already happening? If you can make him understand how important it is to you, then he'll probably get his butt in gear. He may not get it because he doesn't see why it's a big deal.

Well, believe it or not I was raised in christian home (i know its hard to tell from some of the things I've said here in the forum), and i really do believe that God is not happy with me current state of affairs, and wont bless me or my relationship until I get it right. I am also extremely close to my grandmother and the thought of her not being at my wedding brings me to tears. She was recently diagnosed with COPD and continues to smoke so in my mind her days are numbered. I have told him this many a time and he says he gets it, but never any action. I handle all of our bills and I cant even call about a discrepancy because we arent married, same with my daughters insurance no one will talk to me regarding any of his accounts and Im the one that makes sure they get paid on time. how ironic is that?

 

[l1onqueen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jennifer. for real! if you have the means and you're not getting what you want then by all means if it takes you leaving him to realize what's up then that's what you gotta do. it will hurt but hey, either you'll get what you want with him or you'll get it with someone else. it's his call. you've got some things up on me though (children, live together, etc.)! haha i haven't even met ANY of his friends yet! family yes, friends NO. sad sad sad.

Hang in there if you love him, but remember to love yourself more. If you are unhappy think about what would be best for you, especially if you think the situation isnt going to change

 

[jennifer.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by l1onqueen Hang in there if you love him, but remember to love yourself more. If you are unhappy think about what would be best for you, especially if you think the situation isnt going to change

thanks for that. really. i've never loved anyone else more in my life but when the time comes, enough is enough. like i said, i'm too old for this and i'd rather spend my energy committing to someone who will do the same for me. i'll keep you in my thoughts and good luck!