I don't know if this should be here or in the Den. Baby pressures from bf.

[greengoesmoo]

I'm 22 my bf is 34.

He has ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS gotten aggresive and turned into a massive emotionally blackmailing cunt about how much he doesn't want kids. To the point where I have physically smashed my head into walls from stress a few times because of it. (Yes in the self harming way) That's how much he DIDN'T want kids. He was willing to emotionally cripple a woman ten years younger to get his point across.

Now he comes out with he wants kids. I don't, certainly not at this point in my life and probably not ever.

Last saturday we were watching a film which had some kids in it, just average every day kids and he turns round to me and goes "Don't you just wanna take them home and love them?"

I go "Fuck off, they are smelly shitty pukey horrible things!" and the onslaught begins.

He is a teacher. Or was until monday this week. (Different story un-related) He teaches/taught kids with severe behavioural disorders from sexual abuse and long term neglect.

He starts chatting off on one about how much he just wants to take X child home and play daddy. X child is 13, has MANY behaviour problems and is 4 months pregnant herself. Thank fuck adoption doesn't work like that.

And then he starts crying and sobbing about how much he just wants to make a difference.

This all sounds so vague to you guys I know. But basically after FOUR FUCKING YEARS!!! of us NOT wanting children and him viciously bullying me further in the direction of not EVER fucking wanting the horrendous little bastards he now wants to bring this into our relationship.

By the time he had finished I sincerely felt like something was going to rupture in the back of my skull, like something was ready to just burst. I thought I was going to have a fit I was that frightened. I have never been so terrified of another human being in my entire life. Ever.

I have confronted him about it since and all he has said is "Imagine the difference we could make" and as cruel as this sounds, I don't want to make a damn difference. I am not cut out for motherhood, I hate bad parents but I do not like children.

I got pregnant just before xmas 2008, we were together. We have no baby. Go figure. So now he wants kids.

I'm seriously considering leaving I am that terrified of this.

I am also VERY concerned he is going to try get me pregnant somehow. I know it's hard for boys to swing that part, but I'm not stupid enough to believe it's not possible.

Up until saturday every single time someone would bring up babies when we got home he would tear lumps into me about how "Women do that shit to men" and now that.

I'm not sure, but I think it's time to run. It's how I felt when he was chatting about it. For hours. Literally 2 whole hours. I had a lot of trouble not bolting and never looking back right then.

How do you tell someone that if they bring that into your shared world, it's not going to be a shared world anymore?

It sounds insane, but I am VERY paranoid about him attempting to knock me up, it sounds so crazy, but I know I would leave him and have an abortion.

 

[Junkie]

No offence, you your boyfriend himself sounds a bit unhinged and immature himself to even think about having kids right now - especially if he's abusive to you in any way - ie. emotional, physical, mental, etc. And especially if he doesn't have the financial backing to support you and a new baby.

A child would not make the situation any better. Imagine agreeing to all that, getting pregnant, and then have him leave you 'cause he changes his mind AGAIN while you're pregnant or shortly after you give birth? That would put you in a horrible situation.

If he's that concerned about having kids, maybe he could try sponsoring a child from a 3rd world country if he "wants to make a difference" that much! Or even volunteering at the YMCA (or UK equivalent) or being a Big Brother (or again, UK Equivalent). There are so many group homes or organizations that he could lend support or time to - without having to procreate.

Any kind of manipulation to coerce you into getting pregnant is disgusting.

And if you are at all scared of him in any way, you should run as far as your legs will take you, no matter how much you love him. Women feel the need to "change" a man on so many levels, but some can only be helped by their own efforts.

 

[LMD84]

ok this is insane! he didn't want a child for many years - so much that he was abusive to you and now over night he has changed his mind? this is very odd. has something happened that made him change his mind? i mean what happened with his job? is he going to be a teacher again or is he now doing a different job? perhaps if he won't be a teacher again he misses the children and therefore wants one of his own.

however quite frankly if he was such a bully over not wanthing kids, then that's not a good sign that he is stable to actually have some of his own. i can see why this is such a big thing that you may want to end the relationship with him. if you want different things from your lives then perhaps it is time to go different ways. however if you don't think he will take the news that well maybe you should do it in a public place like a park - still people around but not too close to hear what you are saying perhaps?

i'm sorry but i don't really have anymore advice because this is such a strange situation.

 

[M.A.C. head.]

IMO Neither of you should be parents.

And, the two of you should BREAK UP! You're not compatible at all and all you seem to do is hurt each other.

And STOP talking about kids that way. It's rude and terrible. You don't want to have kids, fine, but don't talk about kids like they've all done something wrong.

 

[Dahlia_Rayn]

I'm not going to say "don't have kids with this guy." I'm going to say get the HELL AWAY FROM THIS GUY! He's emotionally manipulative, and if you are seriously scared, then you should not be with him under any circumstances. You are so young, and you have so much opportunity, please don't waste it. This guy needs serious help, and it sounds like you could benefit from a bit of therapy youself. I understand that it's easy to change your mind about having children, in fact for me it's something I'm just starting to consider at 30 years old. However, it is not okay to badger your partner about it no matter your views, and if children are a deal breaker for you, then it's just one more reason to RUN! I respect that my husband is still very unsure about children and may never want them, so until he warms up to the idea we will remain childfree as we discussed before our vows were said.

 

[Cutetoughgirl]

who cares about the guy.......he didnt want kids and now he has changed his mind........ you on the other hand need to have a chat with a professional......why are children horrendous bastards?? my god.....i cannot believe you can with a clear conscience post that on a friendly female forum.......

so a guy convinced you he didnt want kids.......ppl do change.....to have such hatred towards them is a deeper rooted issue.......i wish you well in sorting that out because as a woman, there is always that maternal instinct....perhaps there is something burried in you from your past that needs to be sorted out.

we have all met a guy who didnt want kids and later decided he did...whether it was with us or with another.....situations and opinions change......

but children are innocent and should in no way shape or form be referred to they way you do...... there is a huge age gap between you two. at your age he didnt want kids....as he gets older he is learning he does.

i hope you move along from him it sounds like you two have different wants and needs in life...

 

[blackeneddove]

I am the same as you in the sense that I don't have any desire to have children nor do I feel any maternal instinct. I also don't find changing poopy diapers or cleaning up a child's puke appealing either. However, I don't think children are horrendous, just not for me. And I think you just saying that they are not for you would have been much more appropriate than calling them bastards.

Now, I'm not sure why your boyfriend would even want to have children with you after you have said those things about them and obviously have such strong feelings against them. You guys disagree and you want separate things in your life, so I think you should separate and do your own things. If that alone isn't reason enough to break up, then him abusive should DEFINATELY be enough reason to break up. I think you know this, and breaking up is hard and scary but I honestly think this is the best option for you. Maybe you should be single after being in such a long relationship and have some you-time, and sort out your own problems without the burden of being pressure and abused.

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

You best fucking run out of that relationship.

1. He's selfish-Really put your new hardly had free, fun-loving 20 something life on permanent hold because HE wants kids!?!?! He better get a uterus and ruin his figure and have 4/5 of his life and attention directed at taking care of a kid and not furthering HIS CAREER if HE wants children!

2.He's a manipulative piece of shit-He's Mr. Yes n' No all of sudden?

FUCK HIM!

Can you tell this is coming from a personal place? That guy I deleted the number of is your bf's age and demands the SAME damn thing from every GIRL (I DO MEAN GIRL CAUSE HE'S WAITING ANY DAY NOW TO DATE A NEW BORN) to put her life on permanent hold and have children!

He's been married before and had a kid!!! And what do you know!?!? His ex suddenly discovers she's trapped in a fucking mistake marriage and attached to this asshole for life by their child!!!! DIVORCES next thing! She was dumb enough to say yes and have a kid in her early twenties too! And he's up to the bullshit AGAIN with his new gf!

 

[abbyquack]

I'm going to echo everyone else, you need to trust that instinct to run and get the hell out of that destructive relationship. If you are scared of him or fear for your life, what kind of relationship is that? I know it's hard, but you need to run. Plus, having children should be a mutual decision and both parents should be thrilled to be entering that venture; if not, then it's definitely not a good idea. It would ruin your life, basically. I would also recommend both of you getting some counseling, separately of course, for your underlying issues. Good luck girl, I hope you get the help you need.

 

[Holy Rapture]

Seriously, I won't say much cause you know exactly what needs to happen here. You leave him and live your own life. That's what. You're just starting life, only 22. You don't need shit like that. I hope you do what is right and soon.

 

[Janice]

It seems obvious the OP was quite upset with the sitatution when this thread was posted. The language regarding children is frank and uncensored. You are free to reply, I don't want to make you feel like you aren't I just want to make sure we are all using our best judgment when we reply so that the thread does not spiral out of control. Thank you for this consideration even though you may feel very strongly about the language used.

 

[greengoesmoo]

I should apologise for the strong language about children up there. I know it's not necessary. Up until I met him I was planning to become a primary teacher of all things. It's just all somehow rotted into this.

I used to really care about children but now I see them as a huge threat to everything that is my life.

I appreciate what I should do is leave. It's about time I got the balls up to do it. It's something I have attempted a few times now, because we do constantly tear huge lumps out of each other but I never actually manage to walk away.

Before I got with him I had never had any "mental health issues" I was always Auntie B who my friends would come to when *they* needed to cry but over the past 4 years I have brushed with bundles of problems, I won't go into detail, but I am no longer healthy in that direction. My closest friend has said to my face "You're like a different person I don't know anymore" which stings.

I know how I act because of him is spineless, and I know I need to grow up and get over it and move on, but I'm sure most of you appreciate easier said than done.

I'm moving out of his place today. I'm not dumping him, possibly, basically I'm such a pussy I'm going to move out in secret while he is out and deal with the consequences later. I would like to salvage somekind of something out of this, but escape is the action plan for now.

I'll let you know how it goes, I took today off work to pack up and go.

Thanks for the support guys. <3

 

[LMD84]

hey it's ok. things are a little crazy for you right now. when i'm angery i use language that i wouldn't normally and also say things that i don't really mean. i think by moving out is a good thing to do. however perhaps you should think about what happens when he finds out you have gone without mentioning anything. are you going somewhere safe where there will be somewhere else? not to scare you but he sounds a little strange and being on your own may not be a good idea.

 

[Holy Rapture]

completely with Lou. Keep in mind all those things and hope everything goes well for you. Keep us posted! We're all here for you

 

[Junkie]

I've been there too, girl!

Sticking around when you're too scared to leave a relationship and be on your own. And in my case, I DID end up pregnant....and he took off right after he found out. I haven't spoken to him or seen him in over 4 years - and I'm getting married next year

Just know that things CAN work out in the end.

You can do it alone.....never compromise for a shitty relationship over the fear of loneliness.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Hey B, I had been wondering what was up since I hadn't heard from you for a bit but I see now you've had quite the time of it the past few days. Let me know if you need a chat. Hugs!

 

[kimmy]

not gonna lie, this guy sounds batshit crazy and potentially dangerous.

you say you want to salvage something? your well being. walk away from this experience a better, stronger, more enlightened woman. you're too young to be dealing with his madness. nobody should deal with that at any age, but especially so young...you've got your whole life ahead of you, don't live it in this punk's fist waving shadow.

 

[hello_my_apple]

i'm with Kimmy, i was reading this going W T F? but yea this relationship is NOT healthy not in the least bit. i think when you reach a point in your relationship where you are phyisically harming yourself over stress you need to REMOVE yourself asap. i'm not even going to encourage trying to fix this. good luck hun.

 

[Meisje]

Leave him!

 

[greengoesmoo]

I have been staying at my dad's house the past few days.
I saw him saturday. We just chatted for a bit and I left again.
I feel a **lot** more free, I had a fanstasic weekend spending time with an old friend, I had time for me, and no stress at all.

I'm liking this a lot, it's been a while.

For the first time in 4 years I spent an entire day trying on clothes with nobody complaining.