I feel like a failure

[L1LMAMAJ]

Everytime I talk to my family especially my mom and my older brother, I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like nothing I do is enough. My mom wanted me to be a doctor, but I decided to study Business Economics in college.

I never get a pat on the back for anything I do. It's always never enough. That is a main reason why I don't wanna move back home although I have to because my dad is now ill (congestive heart failure) and I want to take care of him. The past week, every conversation I have with my family, ends up in tears. I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel like a failure. Do any of you feel this way?

 

[gildedangel]

Don't feel bad! I am sorry to hear about your father. I feel the same way around my family sometimes. Sometimes it is hard for people to give positive re-enforcement because many people focus on the negatives. Studying Business and Economics in college is a great thing, many people don't even go to college. You are willing to move back in with your family to help take care of your father; a truly comendable thing to do. You sound like a successful and caring woman and all that you should care about is how you feel about you. If your family is making you feel like this talk to them about it, they may not realize that they are hurting your feelings. I hope that your father feels better soon and that you can sort this out. Good luck hun!

 

[NernersHuman]

Aw honey, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I admit sometimes I feel that way when I hear about old classmates who have or married someone with a great job and they have the whole white picket fence life. Not that I necessarily want all that, but sometimes I feel like it's expected of someone my age.

You know, at the end of the day, the only person who's expectations you need to live up to are your own. Your family may have wanted you to do one thing, and you chose to do another. So what? That's what being an adult is; deciding what you want and forging your own path. You don't need to explain or apologize for anything. If you are fulfilled in what you choose to do and are a good, caring person, that's what matters.

Look, I know it won't be easy living at home, but you don't need to feel like a lesser person. You are doing a noble thing by helping your father out.

 

[n_c]

 

[jdepp_84]

Dont feel that way. As long as you are happy with whatever you are doing, thats all that matters. I feel the same way sometimes. I have 2 degrees but my family think they are nothing because they dont have anything to do with computers, business, basically technology. One of my family members has an AA degree in computer something, and they always say he is way better than me! I think like WTF! I have 2 four year degrees! But even though sometimes it bugs me, I try not to let it get to me cuz I am doing what I want to do. Know what I mean?

 

[NANA]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father.

It must be a very stressful time for you and your family and I'm sure tension is running high in your home...

Coming from an Asian background, I know how hard family can be on you to achieve what THEY believe is success. I'm sure your family only want's whats best for you ur just not seeing eye to eye.

Do NOT feel like a failure tho girl! You are young, in college (ambitious), gorgeous, and you are a good daughter to help your family in a time of need. You have got too many fabulous things going for you to let anyone make you feel that way.

You need to find whatever makes you happy and like NernersHuman said, "If you are fulfilled in what you choose to do and are a good, caring person, that's what matters." You can't spend your life trying to please your family and live up to everyone else's expectation.

I know its gonna be hard moving back home, at least it was for me when I went back. But try to keep positive and happy, it helps to get a hobby to keep busy (thats when I started getting an interest in MAC

). I wish you and your family the best and your father a speedy recovery.

 

[CandiGirl21]

Quote:

Originally Posted by L1LMAMAJ Everytime I talk to my family especially my mom and my older brother, I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like nothing I do is enough. My mom wanted me to be a doctor, but I decided to study Business Economics in college. I never get a pat on the back for anything I do. It's always never enough. That is a main reason why I don't wanna move back home although I have to because my dad is now ill (congestive heart failure) and I want to take care of him. The past week, every conversation I have with my family, ends up in tears. I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel like a failure. Do any of you feel this way?

There are indeed times where i feel the same. Every time I hear someone is in a relationship and the woman is treating the guy like crap I feel like, "Wow! At least he's trying to love you." Sometimes we women spend too much time trying to compare lives. So and So has this and So and So has that. what's the point?

At least you're in school, I'm not and broke yet I should be. All I can say to you mama, is just know that YOU KNOW YOUR PLAN IN LIFE... No one even grandma and mama, knows what we should be doing five years from now. Your family aren't psychics so how could they predict what's right. A career is very different from relationships. Because a career has it's own outcome.

Keep your head up darling, learn to be a stand up woman and watch how fast your family will want part of your successful business!

 

[mahreez]

i'm sorry to hear about your dad too. you know you can't live your life for other people, it's your life it's your call.

before i thought i was a failure too, coz i have a business and it doesn't go so well, and even my mom kept insisting that i just find a job and quit the business. at first it would always bother me, then at some point i realized i don't care anymore, coz i'm doing something i love and i'm proud of. most people simply do what they're being told.

have faith in yourself. do what you think is best for you and take care of your dad. maybe you could come up with a filter or something, like which discussions you would try to avoid so as not to let it affect you right? don't let anyone tell you you're not good enough!

 

[L1LMAMAJ]

i hope i didn't bring anyone down. i was just having a horrible day. i found out that my dad's heart condition is something that will keep getting worse. something about the right side of his heart not being able to pump blood correctly which makes him go out of breath. it doesn't help that he is morbidly obese. =\ sigh..

 

[CandiGirl21]

Quote:

Originally Posted by L1LMAMAJ i hope i didn't bring anyone down. i was just having a horrible day. i found out that my dad's heart condition is something that will keep getting worse. something about the right side of his heart not being able to pump blood correctly which makes him go out of breath. it doesn't help that he is morbidly obese. =\ sigh..

Yeah sorry to hear this.

 

[AmiS4ys]

Quote:

Originally Posted by L1LMAMAJ Everytime I talk to my family especially my mom and my older brother, I feel like I'm not good enough. I feel like nothing I do is enough. My mom wanted me to be a doctor, but I decided to study Business Economics in college. I never get a pat on the back for anything I do. It's always never enough. That is a main reason why I don't wanna move back home although I have to because my dad is now ill (congestive heart failure) and I want to take care of him. The past week, every conversation I have with my family, ends up in tears. I just don't feel like I'm good enough. I feel like a failure. Do any of you feel this way?

Both of our situations are very similar. My dad has had his bladder and prostate removed and is currently in the ICU. My mom and I are fighting the hospital because they're trying to discharge him too early. I also moved back home to take care of him from Pensacola, FL. My mom used to be like yours, telling me that I was actually a failure. To this day, she has never apologized for anything derogatory shes said to me in the past and shows favoritism to my older sister who has the (basically) nuclear family a well-paying profession, etc.

But to be honest, you need to do what makes you happy and what gets you ahead of the game. Any time my mom tries to be derogatory, I just have to block it out. It sucks but its the only way to keep your head high. If a fight ensues, you really need to walk out of the convo before things get heated. Arguing and tears just causes more frustration and stress.

 

[ForgetRegret]

So sorry about your dad, hunnie...you obviously love him a lot if you're going to move back home to take care of him. It sucks, because family can really make you feel like crap about yourself (most of the time, they don't even realize it)...but is your older brother coming home to take care of your dad? If you were in medical school, you wouldn't have the time to come home to be with your father...try and think of it that way. The degree your earning (or have you graduated...? Sorry, I'm a little dumb today!) is one in a field that you obviously have interest in, AND it affords you the opportunity to spend precious time with your father at a time when he obviously needs your love. I'm a big believer in 'everything happens for a reason', and though it's easier said than done, try and block out the negative things they say to you...you're going to be doing something you enjoy, and you're going to have plenty of time with daddy...in the end, that's what really matters.

Sorry to hear that your dad's condition won't get better...I hope he's not in a lot of pain...

 

[kaliraksha]

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad.

I know a lot of people that wouldn't move back to care for an ailing parent... what you're doing is amazing and hopefully your mom can see past her expectations for you to let you enjoy this time with your dad and help her and him.

I get that feeling when I go home from school... and I know that it's because they want the best for me and they think that pushing helps... but it's so freaking confusing because you're adult sometimes and you're a child to them other times. Like when is it ok for me to defend myself... how do I do it without making them feel bad.

I hate to say that the only thing I've been able to do is help my parents understand my direction and why I'm doing what I'm doing and most importantly that it makes me happy. It's taken me 6 years for them to even acknowledge that I might be capable of making a decision for myself and that it's not the wrong decision. I also tend to focus on the good stuff about what I'm doing, what makes me happy about it, and I like to thank them for their support when they offer it. I know my parents might always give me the joking BS of "you should have been a doctor or a lawyer"... but I know deep down that my mom would rather me be happy than anything else.

I think it's something that just settles with time... you have to be the bigger person and brush off the comments and give them insight into what makes you happy about your choices and world.

 

[kaliraksha]

I also wanted to add that my boyfriend's parents are classic examples of "never good enough." They wanted him to start working out (sigh, they even call and ask him if he's showered yet that day)... so he started working out and his mom gets mad at him for working out at 8PM instead of earlier. His parents want him to eat better...so for dinner he has grilled salmon and his parents are upset with him because he spent too much on salmon. His parents want him to get a great internship, and their idea is to go to Dell (living in Austin HQ is here) and just show up and see if they're hiring... so he applies to internships he's actually interested in and they're upset he didn't go to Dell.

There are definitely people you can never please... I feel really sorry for my BF, I use to side with his parents, but all I see is them pushing him further and further away. He avoids their calls like the plague, when he talks to them it's a chore and he makes excuses to not go home and visit all the time. My parents even think of him as their "homeless child" because even though our parents live in the same town... when we go home to visit he stays at my house most of the time because he doesn't like to be around his parents.

He's tried everything he can think of... he's tried being nicer, being logical, he's had the heart to heart, he's ignored it, he's gotten mad at them for it, just flat out listening to everything they say and doing it... and nothing seems to ease his mother's will to nag. They don't financially support him anymore and they still act like nothing has changed. He said they probably will ease up when he gets married or has a kid... but he fears that the nagging will then change to constant suggestions on how to raise "our child". I already told him that I will be absolutely drawing a line there... but only time will tell.

 

[sweatpea559]

You're totally not a failure! I think your family just wanted something different for you than you want for yourself, and are having a hard time accepting that you are your own person. They may also be taking some of the pain and frustration they have about your dad's illness out on you. It's not uncommon for people to react negatively to things that bother them only slightly to cover up something that is really painful to them and the real source of their negative feelings. Hopefully they see this soon and make some changes in how they treat you.

 

[jenee.sum]

First, i'm so sorry to hear about ur daddy.

i hope whatever happens works out for the best. Happiness is all that matters. no matter what happens, keep your head up! i'm glad ur there supporting ur dad and family. very proud of you already.

Secondly, i wanna commend every person who has gone through scrutiny from their family. I believe it is one of the biggest hardships a person can go through....and we all look for approval from our family, no matter how much we may say "you should live life to please urself." i live life to please myself everyday, but in the end, i do wish for approval from my family. b/c in the end, they are my family, and their opinions matter.

Unfortunetly, there are times where they make me feel like shit too; specically my mother. she makes me feel like i do not matter, that i'm not good enough. she favors my brother and takes his side allll the fuckingggg time! she ALWAYS paints me as the antagonist in any situation. she's SO good at making herself the "victim." if i were to argue with her about a situation, i would get yelled at about how im purposely trying to piss her off. but if my brother were to argue about the same situation with her, she would listen to every word he has to say and obey him like he's God. And she'll listen to my sister too...my sister's the sweet angel in the family. And i'm the devil's child.

all my life, i've never gotten along with my mom. it's like mixing water and oil. she's called me fat all my life (i'm average size in American standards...love handles and curves). i once yelled at her and said, "Mom, you know why my ass is so big? it's b/c all my confidence went down to it! All thanks to you for calling me fat constantly!". To which she replied, "i never called u fat!"

LIARRRR!

After finishing university, i went to college to get my diploma in Early Childhood Education. I just finished last month, and i'm graduating with high honors. I took a total of 19 courses, 18 of which i got an A or A+! only one B+. All year long i busted my ass, and my mom NEVERRRR understood how hard i was trying. Every time i told her i was stressed, she said "well that's student life!" When i got my final grades, i slapped my transcript in her face (well not literally), to which she replied, "well that's what being a student is like!"
No encouragement, no praise, no pat on the back.....NOTHING. my mom's a housewife, she didn't go to school in America....but graduating with a 4.0 GPA is "JUST student life". how the fuck is graduating with the higest possible GPA point grade JUST student life?
basically, no matter how hard i try in life, she will never find it good enough. it's JUST LIFE. i actually had the agenda to get straight A's as soon as i enrolled in my program. i got into the accelerated program, which means i have to do everything in 1 year instead of 2, but the same amount of work, if not even more. they also have higher expectations b/c to be in the accelerated program you have to have already gone through university! Which made it even THAT much harder for me! Every semester my goal was to get all A's. b/c i wanted to show them i AM smart! and i AM something they should be proud of. but in the end...what did i get? but after thinking about it, all that matters is that i made myself proud. if she can't see how successful and smart i am, then it's her loss.
i've been a student for how many years of my life so far?! and I only got honors in grade 9, and that was it! LOL never been the smartest outta the bunch. I finally made myself proud with my education, but in my mom's eyes, i will never be as good as my brother (aka. mr. summa cum laude).

fuck i wrote a lot. basically, i totally understand how you're feeling. I grew up as someone who was never good enough - to my own mother nonetheless! how sweet! but i did everything in my power to be the best person that i can be. i busted my ass off this past year, and already landed a F/T job in my career just 1 week after i finished classes! and now the proudest person of me is MYSELF! and that makes me fuckin happy!

To anyone who has gone through scrutiny from their family, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! it has only made us stronger people! and to those who are currently going through it, fight through it with all your strength! you can do it! don't let anyone bring you down and make you feel like you're not good enough. b/c u ARE! i think everyone's on earth for a purpose. and it will soon show what your purpose in life is. i've found my purpose, and so will you! it all comes with time.

L1LMAMAJ, i know ur a strong woman. i KNOW you are! and you have already done a whole lot to be proud of. don't let anyone make you feel like a failure. perhaps one of ur purposes in life is to be the angel your dad needs.

THAT is something you should be proud of.

if i can pull through something like this, so can you! I'll cheer for you every step of the way!

omg sorry for the longest reply in history

 

[L1LMAMAJ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenee.sum First, i'm so sorry to hear about ur daddy. i hope whatever happens works out for the best. Happiness is all that matters. no matter what happens, keep your head up! i'm glad ur there supporting ur dad and family. very proud of you already. Secondly, i wanna commend every person who has gone through scrutiny from their family. I believe it is one of the biggest hardships a person can go through....and we all look for approval from our family, no matter how much we may say "you should live life to please urself." i live life to please myself everyday, but in the end, i do wish for approval from my family. b/c in the end, they are my family, and their opinions matter. Unfortunetly, there are times where they make me feel like shit too; specically my mother. she makes me feel like i do not matter, that i'm not good enough. she favors my brother and takes his side allll the fuckingggg time! she ALWAYS paints me as the antagonist in any situation. she's SO good at making herself the "victim." if i were to argue with her about a situation, i would get yelled at about how im purposely trying to piss her off. but if my brother were to argue about the same situation with her, she would listen to every word he has to say and obey him like he's God. And she'll listen to my sister too...my sister's the sweet angel in the family. And i'm the devil's child. all my life, i've never gotten along with my mom. it's like mixing water and oil. she's called me fat all my life (i'm average size in American standards...love handles and curves). i once yelled at her and said, "Mom, you know why my ass is so big? it's b/c all my confidence went down to it! All thanks to you for calling me fat constantly!". To which she replied, "i never called u fat!" LIARRRR! After finishing university, i went to college to get my diploma in Early Childhood Education. I just finished last month, and i'm graduating with high honors. I took a total of 19 courses, 18 of which i got an A or A+! only one B+. All year long i busted my ass, and my mom NEVERRRR understood how hard i was trying. Every time i told her i was stressed, she said "well that's student life!" When i got my final grades, i slapped my transcript in her face (well not literally), to which she replied, "well that's what being a student is like!" No encouragement, no praise, no pat on the back.....NOTHING. my mom's a housewife, she didn't go to school in America....but graduating with a 4.0 GPA is "JUST student life". how the fuck is graduating with the higest possible GPA point grade JUST student life? basically, no matter how hard i try in life, she will never find it good enough. it's JUST LIFE. i actually had the agenda to get straight A's as soon as i enrolled in my program. i got into the accelerated program, which means i have to do everything in 1 year instead of 2, but the same amount of work, if not even more. they also have higher expectations b/c to be in the accelerated program you have to have already gone through university! Which made it even THAT much harder for me! Every semester my goal was to get all A's. b/c i wanted to show them i AM smart! and i AM something they should be proud of. but in the end...what did i get? but after thinking about it, all that matters is that i made myself proud. if she can't see how successful and smart i am, then it's her loss. i've been a student for how many years of my life so far?! and I only got honors in grade 9, and that was it! LOL never been the smartest outta the bunch. I finally made myself proud with my education, but in my mom's eyes, i will never be as good as my brother (aka. mr. summa cum laude). fuck i wrote a lot. basically, i totally understand how you're feeling. I grew up as someone who was never good enough - to my own mother nonetheless! how sweet! but i did everything in my power to be the best person that i can be. i busted my ass off this past year, and already landed a F/T job in my career just 1 week after i finished classes! and now the proudest person of me is MYSELF! and that makes me fuckin happy! To anyone who has gone through scrutiny from their family, I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! it has only made us stronger people! and to those who are currently going through it, fight through it with all your strength! you can do it! don't let anyone bring you down and make you feel like you're not good enough. b/c u ARE! i think everyone's on earth for a purpose. and it will soon show what your purpose in life is. i've found my purpose, and so will you! it all comes with time. L1LMAMAJ, i know ur a strong woman. i KNOW you are! and you have already done a whole lot to be proud of. don't let anyone make you feel like a failure. perhaps one of ur purposes in life is to be the angel your dad needs. THAT is something you should be proud of. if i can pull through something like this, so can you! I'll cheer for you every step of the way! omg sorry for the longest reply in history

wow thanks for taking the time to respond. i really appreciate it. your situation is very similar to mine. i really just need to block things out sometimes when my mom's lecturing me. i've heard it all already. =\ i'm moving back in a couple weeks and will keep u updated on how it goes. thanks to everyone else that responded...i have read all the responses and appreciate all of them.

 

[Tashona Helena]

I totally understand. I was just crying tonight because it seems like no matter how hard I push, my mom just doesn't think I'm trying hard enough. I'm almost in the same exact situation as jenee. I graduated Magna Sum Laude with an Associates in Business, I held two jobs for the last two semesters (which were full-time credits). When I graduated my mom's all like, "yeah take a break..." blah blah, but lately it's been "you're lazy" "you need a second job" "you need to pay me this, that" "you suck at managing your money where does it all go?!" yelling at me, when my cell phone bill is only a dollar more than her's. Mind you she's the one who told me to get the phone that I have, the Blackjack (PDA's have higher plan costs). She's the one who took part in me racking up my credit cards ("Just accept it, charge this, charge that") and now when I'm up to here and bills she's stressing me out even more.

Don't feel alone, you're not a failure, as you can see we all feel the heat especially from moms. I agree with needing to block out things, my brother (who is also "god" in my mom's eyes too), always tells me to do this, but it's hard because it's my mother saying these hurtful things.

 

[NeonKitty]

I have a couple thoughts on your situation. Your parents have incredibly high expectations of you. The fact that they EXPECT you to "do better" means they feel you are capable of it. Therefore, they do not consider you a failure, otherwise they would have already cut their losses. Sometimes the pressure by parents placed on children is cultural. The child's career and fortune reflect on them as parents and also secures a healthy older adulthood for them, where the expectation is that the children take care of their parents when they age. I encountered a lot of pressure as a child from my mother. Bringing home a report card with scores of 98% was not good enough.

If you sit down and think of why your parents feel this way in your particular situation, you may get a better understanding of what drives it and how to address it. It may also remind you that they are not necessarily bad people, they just have unreasonable beliefs that clash with your own, Sometimes it can be helpful to separate the person from the act.

Once you have a better handle of why they are doing this, you can then decide: will I be happier if I do exactly what they want, become a successful plastic surgeon, etc etc? Or will you be miserable? How much more happy/miserable would you be if you chose your own path? Decide and then deal with the issue accordingly. I suggest that if you choose to follow a career path that they want you to, they will still find some way to be unhappy with that, which is a lose-lose situation.

Set boundaries. If you wish to go to help care for your father, which is honouorable, then let them know that you will not tolerate any discussion about your career etc, whatever they usually bitch about. Just tell them you don't want to hear it anymore. And if they start up, shut them down immediately or leave, thereby following through on your boundaries that you have set. If they can't agree to it in the first place, then you dont go. Ensure that they understand that if they choose to continue judging you, then it is also a choice to not have you involved in his care. This removes the onus off of you, and puts it on them. Hold them accountable.