I feel sick that this is happening to me AGAIN!

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Ok *takes deep breath* I really need your take on things please!

If you're prepared to read my spiel I'd be so grateful for your advice! You may remember my post about a friend who wasn't really giving me the respect and commitment to our friendship that I was giving her? See http://www.specktra.net/forum/f211/w...o-help-128987/ if you don't know already!

This same girl (we'll call her A to avoid confusion!) really let me down this weekend: I was invited by a friend of hers (let's call her B) who I've met and spent time with on a couple of occassions before, to go to her birthday bash - with a huge group of her girlfriends that I've never met before. For the stay overnight I was sharing a hotel room with A and another friend of hers (let's call her C) - both of whom I'm due to go on holiday with in June!

The night started well enough but when we were on the journey down I said something on a funny note - not offensive, just me being bubbly like I am, and A said to C "Oh yeah if she says anything crazy just ignore her. You can leave her in the corner and pretend she's not there" This seemed like a fair enough joke until she kept saying it later on and it began to lose its humour! A kept putting me down on hol, but I tried to ignore her.

It became apparent as the night went on and we reached the first club that A wanted to socialise with the rest of the girls (that I'd never met in my life) and C alone. C was really nice and made a good effort with me though, but A just kept avoiding me and acting like I wasn't there.

We moved onto the 2nd nightclub and I began to feel like I was invisible despite my efforts to mix with everyone. We were queuing outside the nightclub when I decided after everything that had gone on before with A and now this, I just wanted to run home. I called my bf and moved out of the queue to speak to him about what was going on in private - but I just burst into tears and just wanted to curl up in a ball

A and C came round the corner to find me upset and said they'd take me back to the hotel which I was really grateful for. A told me however that if it had been up to her she'd never have invited me because she knew how it could be "intimidating for me" what with the other girls who I didn't know! Great, so she just freely admitted she had no intention for me to be there and what's worse is that it wasn't the other girls who upset me, IT WAS HER!

When we got back to the hotel A and C made tonnes of inside jokes and ignored me the rest of the night and A really pushed my buttons. I hated every minute till we fell asleep. The next day was no better and by the drive home I wasn't really up for ever hanging out with A and C ever again.

A ended up sending me a message by the time I was home asking me if I still want to go on holiday with her and C in June. (Funny assumption for her to make unless she wants that to happen and has drove the situation so I do pull out...) I don't want to quite frankly if she's going to keep being harsh and ignoring me despite everything I've tried to do for her. I'll feel like a third wheel. But how do I tell her?!

The girl who's birthday it was (B) has since got in touch and checked on me to see if I'm okay and wants to meet up with me. But A is far closer to her than I am and I'm worried if I rock the boat by saying I don't wanna go on holiday with her and C, A will tell B what a cow I am for pulling out and B will ignore me too.

But it's got to a point this weekend where I feel like never hanging out with girls again - this situation keeps happening: I make a friend -> friend seems to have some esteem issues so I help friend when she's blue -> friend then just gets in touch to ask for help -> friend then wanders off and kicks me where it hurts.

What do I say to get out of this holiday and do I just call a day on this entire friendship?

TIA x

 

[M.A.C. head.]

Firstly, I have to say that I don't understand why you were so upset outside of the club. Things are what you make of them, so if you don't feel comfortable in those sorts of situations, don't put yourself in them.

I can understand A's frustration with you, but I think it was really rude and down right mean of her to say that she never wanted you there in the first place, and I don't blame you for not wanting go on holiday with her. I wouldn't. You should not go on holiday just to save face or stop drama, because you will be putting yourself in a bad position yet again. Just tell her straight out "I don't feel feel comfortable with what's been going on, and so I will not be going on holiday with you". If she and the other girl want to be mad, let them; if they really cared about you as friends should, they would either try to patch it up or be understanding about how you feel.

If you really don't want to go, don't, but don't let them make you feel bad or that YOUR the bad guy in call of it, because you are not the only one who is disappointing people. Good luck!

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Quote:

Originally Posted by M.A.C. head. Firstly, I have to say that I don't understand why you were so upset outside of the club. Things are what you make of them, so if you don't feel comfortable in those sorts of situations, don't put yourself in them.

The upset wasn't really the result of the night itself alone but a combination of everything that has come before with A. I won't go into full details because it'll take an age, but it was more of a result of a culmination of events!

And I personally felt ok with going with a huge bunch of girls I didn't know because I knew A and B, but as A left me to it, it was her that made me uncomfortable in the end!

Thank you MAChead!

 

[ticki]

It sounds to me like you really just need to sit down with A and tell her how you're really feeling instead of pussyfooting around the whole issue. If you're not comfortable being around her any more, and if this has happened in the past as well then why put yourself in another awful situation by going on holiday with her? Clear the air with her and you'll find out if it's worth taking that trip with them.

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Yeah sparing other people's feelings doesn't seem to be working for me right now if it means I'm not happy because I'm worried about how people will react when I'm honest and upfront.

I know this girl likes her drama, she may not take this well at all but lately it's got me thinking I'd rather not have any close friends ever again rather than be treated like this forever!

Thank you ticki.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by allthatgl1tt3rs Yeah sparing other people's feelings doesn't seem to be working for me right now if it means I'm not happy because I'm worried about how people will react when I'm honest and upfront. I know this girl likes her drama, she may not take this well at all but lately it's got me thinking I'd rather not have any close friends ever again rather than be treated like this forever! Thank you ticki.

I think that whenever we keep putting other peoples thoughts and feelings in front of our own, we'll end up unhappy and just miserable. It's sort of like letting others walk all over you in a sense really. I think its time for you to put yourself first. If your unhappy and uncomfortable with something don't force yourself to go through it.

This girl seems like someone I'd avoid if she's the drama loving type and if she can't respect you. This is the type of friendship that just doesn't really seem to be worth it to try to save. She's just not a good friend at all. I'd just say politely explain to her how your feeling and that you don't think it's going to be a comfortable situation for you all to go on holiday together. She's obviously made you feel like crap during your last trip out and I think going on holiday together is just going to be a repeat of what happened. And I honestly wouldn't even care what B will think about you if A decides to talk about you to her whether or whether not B seems to be nice. If she wants to believe what A has to say then let her. This whole thing just isn't worth the trouble.

I wouldn't give up on finding good close friends. You just haven't found the right people to hang out with yet. Just go out and have fun on your own for now if that's what you want and maybe you'll bump into someone who will give you everything you deserve in a good friendship.

 

[iadoremac]

Babes you obviously dont want to go on vacation with her so dont go screw what she thinks about you. If you live your life trying to please other people you would end up miserable and lonely. The fact that she called you to ask you means she does not even want you to come otherwise the thought would not even cross her mind. I am guessing that if she didnt even want you to be out with her that weekend most likely she wouldnt want to go on vacation with you. If you like B and would like to be friends with her all well and good but if B decides she cant be friends with you after you drop out of the vacation then it will only prove to you what a crappy person she is in the first place. Hope this helps

 

[stronqerx]

She sure doesn't sound like a good friend. You seem like a really sweet person, and you're too good for this. Try talking to her, but it seems like she could care less..so idk? I mean she sounds really selfish and rude. Why would you have to try to fit in around your friend? why would you feel bad when you should be feeling happy and having fun. Forget her.

 

[sharkbytes]

It's one thing to have a close group of friends with inside jokes and the like, but quite another to enjoy having that group for the sole purpose of excluding other people to feel special.

Don't delude yourself, that's exactly what she was doing: She made herself feel important and popular by making you feel like an outsider. Not only that, she went out of her way to make sure that other people ignored you and treated you badly as well. You deserve a much better class of friends, for sure.

I'd avoid contacting her, and if she brings it up, tell her that you don't appreciate being laughed at and excluded, and that you'd rather hang out with people who appreciate your friendship.

If this is bothering you so much, it shows that you are a kind person, and she doesn't deserve your tears or your aggravation. Cut her off and move on, is my advice. And I'm so sorry you had to endure such a shitty night.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharkbytes It's one thing to have a close group of friends with inside jokes and the like, but quite another to enjoy having that group for the sole purpose of excluding other people to feel special. Don't delude yourself, that's exactly what she was doing: She made herself feel important and popular by making you feel like an outsider. Not only that, she went out of her way to make sure that other people ignored you and treated you badly as well. You deserve a much better class of friends, for sure. I'd avoid contacting her, and if she brings it up, tell her that you don't appreciate being laughed at and excluded, and that you'd rather hang out with people who appreciate your friendship. If this is bothering you so much, it shows that you are a kind person, and she doesn't deserve your tears or your aggravation. Cut her off and move on, is my advice. And I'm so sorry you had to endure such a shitty night.

I had a friend just like that now that I think of it. We went to different schools and I would HATE whenever she'd bring her friends from school around. She'd be a completely different person when they were there. I usually get ignored 99% of the time. One time she went into American Eagle to talk to a girl she knew there along with her other friends and within 10 minutes of the convo, she starts going "Where did Zhen go?" I was right behind her! Like not even a foot away. Goes to show how much she was paying attention to me. There were even times where she would call me up just to see if I could be her ticket to get to go out to places she wasn't even suppose to go because no one else would go with her.

Hun, you have a case of the convenience and the I'll only be nice to you when I want to or whenever it serves me any purpose- type of "friend" going on here. They only seem to want you around so that they can belittle you so they can feel big about themselves. And since your well were still friends with her, she may be under the impression that she can do whatever in this relationship and sort of get away with it. Like you'll still be there for her the next day.

Definitely cut it. People like her aren't even that fun to be around with.

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your input in this!

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX And I honestly wouldn't even care what B will think about you if A decides to talk about you to her whether or whether not B seems to be nice. If she wants to believe what A has to say then let her. This whole thing just isn't worth the trouble.

You're completely right - B has her own mind but if she wants to take A's "side" despite us all being adults here, then it's just not worth it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by iadoremac The fact that she called you to ask you means she does not even want you to come otherwise the thought would not even cross her mind. I am guessing that if she didnt even want you to be out with her that weekend most likely she wouldnt want to go on vacation with you.

I found this a really steep assumption to make - if she had been concerned about me she could have just asked me "Is everything okay?" BUT to ask me if this means I don't wanna go on holiday with them anymore suggests to me there's some persuasion on her part. The way she phrased her text also implied she'd been on the phone to C talking about me moments before.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sharkbytes Don't delude yourself, that's exactly what she was doing: She made herself feel important and popular by making you feel like an outsider. Not only that, she went out of her way to make sure that other people ignored you and treated you badly as well. You deserve a much better class of friends, for sure.

That's how it came across to me - the things she was saying were totally out of order. I was in the hotel room for the rest of the night with them, feeling like a fly on the wall as I watched her and C take photos of each other and muck around together. Everytime I said something, I'd be ignored, it was like I'd lost my voice and noone could hear me.

Like you say X4biddenxLustX, it seems I "serve a purpose" when it suits her. She calls me to moan and she insults me to make herself feel better.

UPDATE: I've actually told her politely but firmly why I got so upset at the weekend and why it means I don't want to go on holiday in June. I haven't heard a peep out of her since and nor anything from B who I was waiting to hear back from about meeting up (which she suggested!).

It all seems to me that A has phoned round everyone and told them what's happened, just as I dreaded. Not really surprising seeming as she appears to make far more effort with them than me. Weirdly enough not hearing anything from her feels normal to be honest, because this is how it has been... unless of course she wants to moan about something!

 

[xsavagex]

I'm glad you told A what you were feeling. TBH you dont need these types of people in your life, and you're better off without them. If they dont contact you, oh well! Find some new friends who treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

[ticki]

I'm so glad that you eventually did that! Now you can get the heck on with your life and find some real friends who won't treat you like crap. Convenience buddies aren't buddies at all.

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

UPDATE # 2: Interestingly I've finally heard back from her - her reaction has been very different from what I expected: She says she's horrified at the thought she's hurt my feelings so much and "cried" once she received my email, because she didn't want to think she'd treated me badly.

It puts a spin on things for me now because I'm not sure whether believing what she's saying is wise.
Her reasoning was she was trying to look after me when we got back to the hotel that night but wasn't sure of what to say/do to cheer me up because I was a bit blue. As you can imagine the wind in my sails had been knocked out of me, but I did try to have a laugh with them - however after several attempts it didn't seem to be like I was even visible to them!

She said that her and C were trying to "lift the mood", which granted I can accept... But in the back of my mind I can't help but think that if she really wanted to cheer me up properly she'd have included me more and actually acknowledged what I was saying that night instead! That's what I'd have done in her shoes. I'd say be silly to cheer her up and just generally include her more.
It just seemed to me like they were lifting the mood for them by entertaining themselves over me. Besides her "jokes" that night had a very cruel theme - they all involved "leaving me alone" whether it be based on me saying something "crazy" or whether a stranger came up to me that night to pester (she accused me of attracting weirdos!)

She's told me she understands if I can't go to Ibiza for financial reasons (at the moment I am supporting my bf and myself as he completes his degree this spring) but she would hate to not have me there because I didn't want to be with them.

I want to believe what she's saying and I want to believe that I may have seen things the wrong way. But I'm well aware of manipulative people who rescue these situations only to benefit themselves in future (she's pretty much admitted to me before that noone else will listen to her moan) - if she loses me who will she have to dump her rubbish on?

Am I being too cynical and guarded?

Sadly I do feel like I need to put a lot of distance between us now. I feel let down no matter what she says and I'm still not keen on the idea of the holiday because C barely knows me and they work together so know each other very well. Three's a funny number anyway and after this weekend I don't think I want to go through that again just by throwing caution to the wind.

 

[Willa]

Flush

You don't need that girl around
Toxic toxic
She's a big liair, and even cried to make you believe her lies

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Thank you Willa. I considered what you were saying, but meanwhile tried to be reasonable as I attempted to see her side of the story.

Unfortunately barely a few hours after she sent me that response and before she'd even given me the space to reply back, she messaged me again with this:

"Hey it's A. I'm generally really sorry I have upset you. I'm pretty upset myself that you would think I would purposely try and upset you. I was just out having a good night Saturday and I thought you were enjoying it too. I'm devastated to think now you weren't and that it's my fault. Please email or text me back because I'm pretty upset that you think that's the kind of friend I am. I would never hurt or upset anyone intentionally :-( x"

I was so angry when she'd sent this for not giving me the respect and time to get back to her and because she thought she could pressure me into forgiving her and closing the book on this.

Firstly she had barely given me the time she had taken to get back to me before she sent that quite apparently angry text - suggests to me double standards! I've been taking the careful time to think about what I'm going to say and how I feel - I'm not going to be coerced into rushing my feelings and thoughts!

Secondly there was a recurring theme here of me upsetting her! Turning the situation on its head so the blame now lies with me!! If there's one thing I can't stand it's when people can't accept when they've hurt someone and have to blame the person they've hurt for bringing it up with them.
What's that saying about not being sorry that you've hurt someone, just sorry you've been caught out doing it?!

If there was any chance of her redeeming herself in her first message she has well and truly blown it now! This message quite simply shows that she can't take responsibility for her actions as she tries to shift the blame onto me, meanwhile emotionally blackmailing me into forgiving her through using her "tears" and upset.

Not only that but she's rushing me into giving her the response she wants to hear, not giving me the respect to take in what she's said nor having the patience and humility to deal with the consequences of her actions. You can't bully people into forgiveness because you were too selfish in the first place to treat them nicely.

And like bad intimate relationships, there was always the regret in the back of my mind of putting a stop to a friendship because I might miss her in the long run. It's the concept of having a friend there that I'll miss, not her. Because let's boil it down: our "friendship" was simply based on her moaning to me whenever she needed, but otherwise me barely ever hearing back from her when I tried to suggest socialising otherwise. Hardly the foundations for a decent friendship.

Whilst I feel I'd have every right for telling her where to shove it, I'm going to keep my dignity and maturity by politely putting distance between us. How I'll phrase that I have no idea but I'll try my best!

Thank you guys, you've been very helpful and it's been great to hear your words of wisdom! x

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

Completely ignore the girl! She can't accept that SHE actually did something wrong and has to twist it around so that she looks innocent and unaware of the fact that you were uncomfortable that night out. People like that are all about ME ME ME! It won't change. She wants your forgiveness so again she can feel bigger than you. And to in a sick twisted way in a sense she wants to feel better about herself like she's doing something right by sending you those messages trying to sound all innocent.

Don't let her ruin your fun or opportunity to actually go out and find people who won't screw you over. Eventually she's probably going to find someone else to do this to or maybe even choose someone whose already in the group of "friends". And if she keeps repeating this she'll just end up alone in the end.

 

[Lissah]

Quote:

Originally Posted by X4biddenxLustX Completely ignore the girl! She can't accept that SHE actually did something wrong and has to twist it around so that she looks innocent and unaware of the fact that you were uncomfortable that night out. People like that are all about ME ME ME! It won't change. She wants your forgiveness so again she can feel bigger than you. And to in a sick twisted way in a sense she wants to feel better about herself like she's doing something right by sending you those messages trying to sound all innocent. Don't let her ruin your fun or opportunity to actually go out and find people who won't screw you over. Eventually she's probably going to find someone else to do this to or maybe even choose someone whose already in the group of "friends". And if she keeps repeating this she'll just end up alone in the end.

I completely agree. This girl thrives on the drama. Don't allow yourself to be drawn in with a friendship breakup or fight. Just back away, she's never going to understand because she doesn't want to, this is exactly what she enjoys. Find a new group of friends because this whole group sounds bad.

 

[allthatgl1tt3rs]

Thank you guys! I've been a while getting back, I know, but I have been trying to sort this out. I did air how I felt and why. Despite her "offence" that I would think such things about her and so on, and so on - I did try to be patient and explain that I wasn't accusing her of being a bad person, but that I was expressing how I felt her behaviour was coming across.

We settled the score, I told her how I felt and she apologised and that's the main thing, I thought we could turn a new page. But her old ways have continued to show.

Another night out: A brought one of her friends that I have met a couple of times before, we get on and she's a lovely girl. She also brought a couple of other guys along, who are ex work colleagues/friends of theirs. The night went well enough except as it progressed it became clearer and clearer that A was trying to exclude me again. By the end of the night I needed to make my way home - I was meeting up with my sister the next day in London which meant I needed to be in bed by a decent-ish hour. Her friend encouraged me to come out with them onto the next night club. I said I'd love to but explained why I couldn't, but said to her that the next time I'll be there!

But A swanned over and said "What's this, you're not coming to the nightclub?" She hadn't even heard what we were talking about!

I couldn't believe it. Then she kept asking "So are you not coming then?" about two or three more times!! I'm not being funny but it felt as if she was pre-empting my answer, encouraging me to get the hint and not come. I woudn't have came anyway but imagine if I had wanted to?!...In fact I did imagine it and I could picture me not having a very good night again so it's a good job I didn't go!

She tried to mask her behaviour by saying stuff like "Don't make me do my disappointed face on you" but you know when you feel like someone's not even trying to come across as fallible? She didn't try very hard to sound bothered nor did she look very disappointed I couldn't make it.

I let them go on ahead and parted ways. I felt excluded again but as my bf encouraged me to, I tried to shake it off and ignore her efforts to make me feel rejected.

This week a meal's being organised by A for her, the girl that came along the other night, the other girl we're supposed to be going on holiday with in summer and myself. The global emails A's sent round us all to organise it make it very clear she's jumping on this excluding thing a little too much.

Granted she's inviting me to the meal but when she emails everyone, she addresses everyone individually in separate sentences. She thanked everyone for something in her last email then had the audacity to say a the very end "Oh and I haven't thanked Amanda (that's my real name btw!) - thanks for that bye!" - I get it, she nearly forgot about me, I slipped her mind! Whatever.

Basically the way I see it is she's dealt with a lot of rejection recently what with her ex and then this other guy. I get the impression she doesn't want me to get too close to her friends for fear of losing them to me - which is ridiculous but believe it or not I've had this before and I've known other people to have suffered this kind of behaviour from other people too.

Whilst I could address this, it would be something that she most likely will deny as many people wouldn't feel comfortable readily admitting that kind of behaviour/feeling! I have passed on the holiday by giving alternate excuses such as funding which in fairness, is something I am concerned about when I so desperately want to get onto a makeup course and I'm saving like crazy.

I think I'm also going to have to distance myself as time goes on because despite the fact that I could ignore her efforts to exclude me and shake it off, after a while that kind of attitude drags you down. It's already chipping away at my self esteem and confidence - like Willa says - toxic!

Whilst I worry and get upset over all this, I'm not able to drum up any positive energy for my course and getting practice on my makeup - stuff I've been itching to do for nearly a year now! I think it's time I put myself first and get rid of anyone who doesn't want to see me happy!

Thanks people x

 

[Deathwish238]

Didn't read the whole thread as it's long...but I think this is your issue...

"I make a friend -> friend seems to have some esteem issues so I help friend when she's blue -> friend then just gets in touch to ask for help -> friend then wanders off and kicks me where it hurts."

So next time you make a friend, make sure they're not just in the blue and need someone to lean on. Break the cycle. It'll probably be difficult and go against in your instincts...but if you can do it you probably won't find yourself in this unfortunate situation again