I just need comfort.

[JULIA]

I've been dating my boyfriend for 3 months, fyi.

So my boyfriend is an absolute sweet-heart and head-over-heels in love with me. When we started seeing each other/dating things were fantastic and going great. However, in the last two months we've been bickering like crazy and that's mostly because he takes things too personally and gets worked up over nothing. Last night was the final straw for him and I'm certain he's going to end things.

I have been feeling lower than low lately. No energy, completely emotionless, lacking affection and just generally feeling down and out. Last night I opened up to him and told him that for the past week and a bit I've been feeling sad and just so empty inside. He understood and we talked about what could be the cause of this for a bit and then I went home. I checked my emails and I read one from him where he went on a bit more about wanting to make sure I get back to my old self as soon as possible and I replied with, "I hope so! I just want to be happy again. I'm done with putting so much effort into a smile or a laugh lately." He then replied with a hurtful email about how relationships shouldn't take effort and how we've been coming from different places and now it seems to him like we're at a crossroads. And then he says he does everything he can to make me happy but he noticed that the more time we spend together the more unhappy I become...All that came from me saying I've been feeling down lately and that I need to put more effort into a smile/laughter...in general.

It's so completely unrelated to him and he just went off and made my problem out to be something involving him when that isn't the case. I have told him time and time again that he takes things too personally and he just doesn't seem to make an effort to work on that.

Last night, though I don't remember the context, he said he was pretty much infatuated with me. I told him that was somewhat bothersome...I mean, if we don't work out I don't want him to go hurt himself. He said that he was going to but I didn't have to worry about it. Him taking his life should not be a concern of mine. I told him that was terrible and that regardless of what happens between us both, he shouldn't go and kill himself. He's dead-set on it and I'm so hurt considering my dad killed himself 6 years ago and he knows how hellish is was for me. If you truly care for someone how can you even talk like that? It's so unfair. It's such a burden for me. I'll forever be scared of leaving because I don't want him to do anything stupid.

I went to his place today to sort this out but he refused to talk and sent me home. It's the most horrible feeling sitting around waiting for someone to tell you whether they want to be with you or not.

My mind is just...exhausted.

 

[effboysinthebut]

It sounds like you may be depressed. Which has an affect on your relationship with everyone no matter how you feel about them personally. That's something you should maybe talk about with your doctor.

Now. This killing himself thing. To me for someone that is "infatuated" with you, sounds controlling. Like, if he tells you that you won't leave him. I can't say for sure if he actually would or if it is controlling but that's a dangerous situation. People that become "infatuated" and threaten to harm themselves can sometimes be capable of harming the person they're infatuated with. Unfortunately I have no idea what to suggest for that situation.

I wish I was more comforting. But you never can be too careful.

 

[JULIA]

I have a history of depression and am currently not on medication so that is a possibility. I am going to speak with my doctor next week in order to sort this out. It would have been wonderful for him to offer his support instead of immediately jumping down my throat about being at a cross-words and essentially giving up as this wasn't even ABOUT HIM.

It's very obvious he has some unresolved issues but he seems pretty okay with that and doesn't ever talk about seeking help so he can deal with his past. I think it would do him some good and would maybe help him refrain from thinking the way he does...I care about him so much but being that I am only 19 (he's 26), that's way too much for me to deal with.

He isn't a violent person at all and at the moment he has no controlling tendencies (that I know of) and usually he's the one who gets abused :\

Things were perfect in the beginning but got so scary once he said he loved me. After that, things got too emotional and so serious.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JULIA Things were perfect in the beginning but got so scary once he said he loved me. After that, things got too emotional and so serious.

That's just not a good sign. I hate to say it, but I would run. Now.
If any guy ever told me that they'd kill themselves if I left, I'd run like the dickens. Because while you don't have any control over what he does to himself, you do have control over you. I wouldn't be hanging around to see if he only harms himself, KWIM?
He sounds like he's got some emotional/mental issues himself that need to be taken care of.
Sorry that I'm not more comforting, but there are just red flags all over the place.

 

[Simply Elegant]

People who get abused can turn into the abuser. I've seen it happen.

He is certainly controlling you. He wants to make it seem like your fault should anything happen to him. He may thnk he'd feel awful if ou ever left, but it's wrong to make a threat like he did. He's being passive aggressive.

It's only been 3 months and already so attached, 2 of those months being unpleasant. That should be a warning sign.

I think for this relationship to continue and become healthy,both of you need to sort out issues both by yourselves and together and really think about why you're still together and what you both can be done to improve things.

 

[buddleia]

It just sounds like this isn't a good relationship for you right now. He seems pretty unsupportive, or doesn't know how to properly support you - all he can say is "Hope you get back to your old self!" I'd rather him say, "Is there anything I can do in the meantime?"

On the one hand he's saying, "We're at a crossroads" and on another he's saying he's all infatuated with you and threatening suicide. It doesn't make sense. If you're going through a rough time right now, you need support, not demands placed on you to be happy and cheerful. He says that he tries to make you happy, but I don't think he actually knows how to listen to you and understand what your needs are.

I think he's acting pretty abusively towards you too - refusing to talk, threatening suicide, etc.

You might want to try calling a suicide hotline to get some advice on how to deal with his threats of suicide. Just remember, you're not alone, and you don't have to deal with your depression and relationship issues by yourself. Help is out there, you just have to ask and try to look for it. I.e. you might want to talk to a therapist as well.

 

[spunky]

i've been in a similar situation and i have to say - do what's best for you.

it sounds like he's not supporting you and in my book that's more than enough reason to kick him to the kerb. he's emotionally blackmailing you with the suicide stuff and quite frankly, the sooner you get out of this relationship the better. i know i sound harsh, but the longer you stick around the worse you'll feel, and NOBODY has the right to make you feel that way.

 

[JULIA]

So I went to his place to talk it over today and his reason for being upset was because I had said "I don't know what's going to happen with us in the future, but if ever we don't work out I don't want you to hurt yourself." He assumed I was already thinking of ending our relationship and it took me a good half-hour this morning to convince him that wasn't the case. I told him I was simply using those words within the context of him threatening to hurt himself.

We have no intentions of breaking up and despite our squabble, we're both very happy to stay in the relationship.

He is an extremely happy and go-lucky person he just has this idea in his head that if I leave he's going to have no one else (he doesn't have a family/friends) and I suppose he'd feel alone? He said he wasn't trying to make me seem at fault for his could-be fate, he was just trying to express a thought that's been with him all along.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddleia It just sounds like this isn't a good relationship for you right now. He seems pretty unsupportive, or doesn't know how to properly support you - all he can say is "Hope you get back to your old self!" I'd rather him say, "Is there anything I can do in the meantime?"

Oh, he did. I just left out every detail for the sake of keeping the post short.

 

[kaliraksha]

Sorry you've been feeling down! It happens to the best of us!

You guys are in a pretty new relationship and that's when the feelings are the most intense... he probably just feels helpless to help you and while I do think it's a bit emotionally abusive to bring up suicide... I've stayed with guys who have said the same and also broken up with them. They require a little extra care on my part, I usually check in with one of their friends to make sure they take care of them and try to make sure you end on decent, if not good terms.

Just be more straightforward with him. You really can dictate to those around you how to treat you by simply setting their expectations and not accepting being mistreated. I would just start out by telling him exactly what your title says "I just need comfort."... boys have a tendency to want to solve things. They are the fixers of the sexes and we are the talkers and feelers. Whenever I'm depressed or moody I flat out tell my bf "I just want you to listen and tell me everything is going to be fine."

I really hope you feel better!