i love you, but can't date you right now-long post

[hrdruian]

So i've was dating my ex-boyfriend for a long time. we met when i was 20 and he was 19 in college and it was one of those attractions where there was no way you could ignore it. (if you really want, i can tell you the whole story later)

we dated for 3.5 years and then finally after Thanksgiving i noticed him putting distance between us and i rarely saw him. we finally talked and decided to go on a break. however, what is a break? we broke up but just until he was sure what what he really wanted to do. i was a mess. being in limbo with the guy you love is not fun. so, 2 or 3 days later we decided that it was final and we broke up.

its just that we didn't do it out of lack of love for each other. in fact he told me today that he loves me. after he laid it all out for me, it actually made complete LOGICAL sense. i'm just more of an emotional person and logical. so here's the deal. he graduates from school in may and then moves to Colorado in august for the job that he is accepting. i live in Houston. so we have agreed that we can still be good friends. its just hard to transfer into that role now. i keep wanting to call him to make me feel better (he has this amazing ability to make me feel 95% better about anything), and yes hilly i know i can call you.

i keep wondering if he just needs to sink back into a moronic 19 year old boy for a while until he absolutely HAS to grow up, and once that happens will he be coming back to me? we talked about a long distance thing, but both decided that the only reason we would do that would be in hopes of the next step (engagement) which neither one of us is ready for. the option of me moving with him is out of the questions b/c he needs to do it on his own (i agree with this one and thought it prior to all of this). plus i will hopefully be starting grad school here in august.

has anyone been in a situation like this? any advice?

 

[Hilly]

If it's meant to be...it'll be!

Ok ok...just call me Lil Miss Cliche

 

[puncturedskirt]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hilly If it's meant to be...it'll be!

I agree.

 

[purrtykitty]

Perhaps it would be good to let him spread his wings a bit. As the saying goes, absence makes the heart grow fonder...sorry for tossing out another cliche.

 

[baby_love]

if your name is Haley I am really going to freak out because that's my name and I'm going through boy troubles as well. I'm not comparing them because I've only been w/ my boy for a couple of months and you've been with yours for years...but boy troubles nonetheless. I'm really sorry you are going through this, it's really painful.

My boy basically said to me that we should work through the problems we have so we don't have them anymore, and then in the same convo, asked if we could just be friends. Now i have no idea where we stand because we're both away on vacation right now...he changed his status on facebook to "single" but he told me that he did it out of anger, not because we're not together anymore. it's so weird and once again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this BS. I can only imagine how hard this is for you, considering how much longer you've known him.

 

[ratmist]

I know this may sound harsh, but I've been where you are now. Sometimes, people fall out of love. He may love you, but from the way you describe the situation, he isn't in love with you anymore. It sounds to me that he just isn't that into you anymore, but he doesn't know how to say this without also acknowledging that he still cares. He doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't want to be with you. It's happened to me many times, and I've done it to others many times. It sucks for everyone, but it happens.

Take some time out to yourself, and try not to overanalyze this. It will take a lot of time to come to terms with, but you'll be able to get through this.

 

[*KT*]

I loved my ex-hub when I left him... but as a couple, we just did not work and I eventually left. Basically take your situation, add a few more years, marriage and then divorce.

I think about all you can do is move on the best you can. I'll toss out yet another cliche, but one that I think is also very appropriate here, "Everything happens for a reason."

It's been my experience that with men, usually the reason it happens is that there's someone better out there waiting for you to meet.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Third cliche in the post: Sometimes, love isn't enough. If you love someone and the relationship ends, you unfortunately can't turn it off like a switch.

Time is the only thing that'll help.

 

[Hilly]

I think it's better to split now rather than in the summer when he is about to leave.

 

[hrdruian]

thanks for all the imput. (my name is Haley, so yes that one was wierd, baby_love!!!) i don't think i agree with the marriage divorce thing, because we work really well together and compliment eachother increadibly well. i think he just needs "dating/alone" time. before we dated he hadn't really been single for the past 2 years. so add that time to our alomst 4 years and the guy has NEVER been on his own. Hilly, you're right better now than right before. we had coffee last night and all he wanted to know about was me. i didnt' offer any hugs or romantic emotions towards him and then when we left he hugged me told me he loves me. i can hear it in his voice that he really does love me just as much as he ever did. he might be looking out more for me than him. i dunno!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[prettipolish]

My ex is in University, and he hardly makes time for me.
but whatever.

 

[socalmacfan]

KT- I can't thank you enough for your insightful post. I am going through a similar situation with my hub and sometimes people just don't mix (even if they did for years). I'm really enjoying taking time for myself and doing all those things that I couldn't or didn't have time to do when I was part of a couple!

 

[jenii]

Sounds to me like the initial enamorment he was feeling faded (yes, that can take a few years!), and for him, maybe there wasn't enough lying underneath it for him to stay with you.

I think while he does care deeply for you, he doesn't want to be with you anymore, and doesn't know how to say it without hurting you.

I don't doubt he loves you. But, maybe it's just not the lasting love you feel when you know you wanna spend your life with a person.

And that's sad, but it happens a lot.

My advice is even if you "know" he still loves you, you need to move on, because the sad truth is that it's not likely you'll spend your lives together. Don't wait around for him to fall in love with you again. Just consider this over, and move on.

It's gonna be painful, but with time, you'll get over it.

 

[*KT*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by socalmacfan KT- I can't thank you enough for your insightful post. I am going through a similar situation with my hub and sometimes people just don't mix (even if they did for years). I'm really enjoying taking time for myself and doing all those things that I couldn't or didn't have time to do when I was part of a couple!

It's comforting to know that you aren't the only one who's had to go down that path isn't it? We'd been together for 5 years and I didn't want things to get to a point where we did hate each other. In a way, it made things harder to explain to my family and friends because most of them didn't really see it coming. I think that's the biggest trick of relationships, growing and changing... either you're able to do it together, or things really begin to fall apart. It sounds like things are going really well for you Socalmacfan! Almost like you're re-discovering yourself. I actually met a really great guy after leaving my ex. That was 6 years ago and we tied the knot earlier this year (in Vegas this time around, hell no to the big stressful wedding). Change can be a very good thing. =)

Sorry to have wandered somewhat off-topic. Hrdruian, I know it's not the exact same thing, but my main point was sometimes even someone you love and who loves you back will need to leave. It's mature of both of you to realize you're not ready for an engagement or long distance relationship. Sometimes with relationships the timing is just all wrong and there just isn't much we can do about it.

You seem to be handling this pretty well. Sure it's not the timeline you were expecting, but putting yourselves through the "we have X days left together" countdown would likely be a lot more painful. Like the other posters have said, it's time to move on.

 

[hrdruian]

yeah, the countdown would suck. it's still going to suck. it just all went from being perfect to done within a matter of days. hard to deal with. the wierd thing about it is that we worked! we had no big problems other than your typical stuff that supposed to be there. oh well. i'm not waiting for him. in fact i'm wanting to be around other guys and try dating again. i'm not in tears every day and i let him call me. thanks for all of your comments. i appreciate it.

 

[baby_love]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hrdruian yeah, the countdown would suck. it's still going to suck. it just all went from being perfect to done within a matter of days. hard to deal with. the wierd thing about it is that we worked! we had no big problems other than your typical stuff that supposed to be there. oh well. i'm not waiting for him. in fact i'm wanting to be around other guys and try dating again. i'm not in tears every day and i let him call me. thanks for all of your comments. i appreciate it.

you are really an inspiration. I wish I could handle my problem as well as you are handling your's. You should be very proud of yourself. I can't even think about going after another boy.

 

[hrdruian]

Quote:

Originally Posted by baby_love I can't even think about going after another boy.

i have no intentions of anything physical, but flirting is defenantly on! i keep thinking back to those guys that i had to distance myself from while dating. i think that i'm determined to not wait around for him. (or maybe hoping he'll get jealous, hahaha) i've done it the other way where i just sit around and not do anything. its not fun at all. plus it took me like a year and a half to get over the relationship (it was only a 6 month relationship). so i've learned and am trying to do things that feel right to me.