I NEED ADVICE!!! I summarized as much as I could!!


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Ok here's the deal:

Went out with this guy for 2½ years.
We were great together, love-wise, sex-wise and affection-wise.
We were bad together because of his marijuana addiction, and the consequences of that (social isolation, etc.)
I dumped him because I was tired of him isolating himself from social events because he needed to smoke, and me being isolated in the process because i wanted to spend time with him.

So I dumped him and he completely took his life in his hands, he hasnt smoked anything in 5 months, he bought a car, went back to school, started working full time, goes out and sees friends all the time, etc. He basically has become the man I've always secretly wished he would be.

We have been apart for now 5 months. We have both seen other people but we miss each other and it didn't work out with the other people because we still love each other too much.

Here's the sad part tough, my parents never approved of him because he wasnt doing anything with his life and not treating me to the full extent I deserve because of his pot addiction. I'm 20 but still living with my parents so what they think still has some kind of importance in my life.

What do u guys think I should do? I've lived with my parent's disaproval of my love live for 2 years and it was really, really bad.... Like my mom telling me she loved me less for being with him - bad... But seeing how he's getting on his feet feels sooo unfair...

I wished I had met him this month and that the man he is today would have been the first impression my parents would have gotten of him.

Should I fight for us, or should I abide to the "if we're meant to be, we'll end up together" motto??




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Janie, if you really want to be with each other, then you should be with each other. If you want to be with him, fight for him. Your parents should be happy that you are happy, if they aren't then that is unfortunate. If you value your parent's blessing; talk to them about how he has cleaned up and changed and convince them that he is not the same person that they knew before. Good luck!


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I believe you should fight for him, because it looks like he fought for you by turning himself around after you dumped him. So it's not your turn, your parents will one day see the wonderful person you see in him. Good luck hun!


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Dearest Janie:

Do whatever you truly feel in your heart, but keep in mind that he has an addictive behavior/background/personality, its something that he probably has since he was born and that WILL NEVER CHANGE. Overcome addiction is a full time, full life work, its a battle that he will have to fight every minute of every day of his life. Ask yourself from the bottom of your soul whether or not you are prepared to share your life with someone who may have a fall back into addiction to pot or anything else, because that's the thing with addictions its not about a substance but an emotional ill. I'm not saying he won't be able to control his addiction, only that you need to keep in mind that you'll need to learn how to live with his battle. I think he is doing a great job so far, but it doesn't mean his fine for good.

Should you fight for him is a question which answer only your heart has. I think life is a journey full of experiences to be lived with courage and full of wisdom to be acquired. Maybe there's a most valuable lesson you have to learn with all this, for better or worse.

No one will ever love you as deep as your parents, no one will ever care as much as them. That doesn't mean they will always be right, only that they want the very best for you. If in the end, being with this guy turns you into a stronger, healthier, wiser, happier person than you are today, believe me, they will only be proud of you.

Be blessed, I wish you the very best.


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i hope this isn't too harsh, but i would recommend moving out of your parents' house if possible. not because of your boyfriend (and whether or not you get back together with him), but because any mother who says she loves her daughter less because of who she is dating has some issues. that's not okay, and it's not fair to you. withholding her "love" of you based on what decision you make in your life is like a form of emotional blackmail and it's not healthy. but that's just my opinion, sorry if it offends anyone.
i think you should do what you want. ultimately you know whats best for you and what's not. if you love him, be with him. clearly he loves you very much since he's completely changed for the better because of you.
good luck!!! i hope everything works out!


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My 2 cents

I believe you should give it a go - looks like he has fixed the things you didn't like, probably because of your break up and everybody deserves a second chance. Well done you for caring about your parents but this is your decision and you might resent them for it later on if your choice is based souly on what they want.

Go for it girl!! Just dont dive straight in incase it isnt meant to be... Take it a bit easy and try not to get hurt!! It may or may not work out but then at least you would know for sure

Godd luck girl and best wishes... XX


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Your parents should be able to look at him and see that he's changed and how hard it is to do that. Try explaining that to them. Nobody is perfect and he took control of his life. They can learn to love him if he treats you the right way forever now. As long as he never abused you, and was just lazy, then I say you can give him another chance.

Your mom saying she loves you less for being with him is a horrible thing to say.
That sounds very controlling.


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I would like to add to all that has been said...that 5 months is not that long.

Its clear you miss him and would like to go back. My suggestion is that the two of you start slowly. Begin dating again, you should get more involved with the process that is, him getting over his addiction. Eventually when the time is absolutely right you will be certain.

Where I come from smoking 'weed' is a social thing...few men recognize it as an addiction....and even fewer overcome it. Its awesome that he has managed to turn his life around, but a relapse is sooo easy. My advice is be cautious.


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Thank you everyone.... I always get the best advice from Specktra

I agree with everyone who said to take it slowly, i would do that for sure...
As for my mom, she IS very controlling and uses emotional blackmail... but she is also very pig headed and i do not wish to spend my life apart from her because i chose something that upset her... however im really afraid that i'm going against my instinct and that im letting go of someone who could make me really really happy...
I just talked to him and he wants to see me again... He said he really regrets not making a better impression on my mom, because it would make seeing each other again much easier...
Good god i really don't know what to do... :S


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I know the whole thing about parents disapproving (even when you're over 18!)...my mom didn't approve of my most recent ex (we met back in 1st grade then he moved in 8th to florida and then moved back here after we graduated and we got back in touch really unexpectedly) who was 5 months clean of a six year cocaine/crack addiction. Cocaine is the hardest drug to get clean from and it really changed him. He became mean, violent (not to me, but to other people), and then eventually he threatened me physically over the phone and the guy I was dating for that time never would have treated me like that. Drugs change people, although you're lucky he's only on marijuana, there's a low chance of 'relapse' because technically marijuana isn't clinically addictive like cocaine, heroin, etc. It's kind of like when people smoke cigarettes, when you quit, that doesn't that mean you carry the title of "former nicotine addict".

I just wanted to warn you that if he previously smoked pot a lot, there's a chance he will "graduate" to a harder stronger drug, then you will have a real addiction on your hands. And you don't want to go through being the partner of a drug addict. It causes so much emotional pain and scarring seeing a great man turn into somebody so different. I just wanted to let you know the possibility that he will let you down...but for something even worse...

I wish you two the best of luck though!


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he made changes for you girl thats more than enough proof to show you that he cares and is willing to do anything if it means having you in his life. my fiance is currently getting helpo for his addiction and i said to him either get yourself straight or youre gone and just like that he turned it around so i think it's more then enough for you to try to tell your mom hey it's sad that you dont wanna love me because youre not happy with my choice of a partner youre missing out on the most crucial time in my relationship and i need your support.


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Originally Posted by kariii
I believe you should fight for him, because it looks like he fought for you by turning himself around after you dumped him. So it's not your turn, your parents will one day see the wonderful person you see in him. Good luck hun!



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Thanks for everyone's advice!
I decided to fight for him, and we're taking things slowly, just going on dates and talking to make sure we're making the right decision, but so far it's going great and i have the craziest butterflies in my stomach all the time

I kinda figured out that I'm going to tell my mom that I won't tolerate her emotional blackmail anymore, and that the only thing she should want is for me to be happy, and that i'm old enough to make my own decisions, so she should just respect my choice of being with the man I love.

I really have great hopes for the future, and I'm confident about this whole thing.... Love is great!!!


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good for you!!! good luck! i hope everything works out for you. and remember, even when your mom is being stubborn she is your mother and loves you no matter what!