I need advice...

[Bianca]

Hi everyone,

Maybe some of you remember that I posted a couple of topics about me being depressed. For a while I was feeling better but it's getting worse now, sometimes I feel I don't even want to live anymore. While this is happening, a friend decided to "dump" me.

She and I used to be colleagues and became friends while working together. We both don't work at this company anymore but we decided to keep in touch. We used to sent each other a couple of emails every week. A year ago my boyfriend and I moved in together. We kept on emailing and she promised to come and see my house. After a few months, she still didn't come and see my house altough we agreed on a date. The dates kept changing and soon she didn't even bring the subject up anymore. In the meanwhile (I didn't have a job) she called me for the first time. I was very enthusiast because she asked me how I was doing etc. but I found out she only called because she needed something. She wanted me to work as a receptionist at the company she was working now because she couldn't find anyone and another person took off. I said yes altough bf and I didn't really need the money (it was only a week working) so I stayed with my parents for a week (they live there, I live further away now) just to help her out. After working we went shopping and such and she said: I'm coming to your house soon! When I got back home, she didn't bring the subject up anymore just like last time. When I read her emails, she was always with other friends having fun etc. I started to get pissed. In the meanwhile she was looking for another job (she always mailed at work). I sent her an email saying that I wasn't pleased that, after a year, she still didn't visit me. She sent me an email back that she was very shocked after all the things she had done for me that I was sending her an email like that. She also said that she wasn't sure she wanted to keep contact with me and that she needed time. She said she was not saying she never wanted to talk to me or see me again, but she had lots on her mind and needed time for that. I was like, ok, I will hear from her again (she said she sees me as a little sister and cares for me).

A month later I still hadn't heard from her and it was my birthday. She didn't send me a card, didn't call. I sent her a message on her cellphone, saying that I found it very weird she forgot my birthday. No reply. A month later (it was april, last contact had been in February) it was her birthday and I didn't sent her a birthday card either because I was pissed. When after a long period I still hadn't heard from her (she changed to another job and I don't have her email address) I sent her another message on her cellphone. I told her I was very sad that I didn't hear anything from her and if she wanted to sent me a message if she still wanted contact with me yes or no. No reply.

Up to this day I still haven't heard anything. She was the only friend I had and I cry a lot about it. Sometimes I cry with my cellphone in my hand and I don't know what to do. I already have a lot on my mind because I'm very depressed and now I also have to deal with this. My parents and my boyfriend say I should let it go but I can't. How can someone who is saying she sees me as a sister and cares about me treat me like this. I feel very lonely and depressed and I think a lot about that maybe I'm better of dead. I'm fat, I don't have a job, don't have any real friends...I don't know anymore...what am I doing wrong here? Please give me some advice. Thanks for reading.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Well... I don't know what you're doing "wrong", but I know that ending your life isn't the solution.

If you are seriously having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE GET HELP. I don't know what is available in Europe, but call a hotline, talk to your doctor, anybody who could help. Whoever this girl is, she's not worth it. She's probably a fake person who says that kind of stuff because it sounds nice. You don't want those people in your life, because they're toxic.

I really urge you to find help for yourself. You deserve to live and find happiness. Even if life is dark and seems like it'll never get better, it eventually will. You might have to make some tough decisions, like not talk to this girl ever again, or do things you don't want to do, like talk to neighbors or join a group to make friends, but you can improve your life.

 

[Shimmer]

Being dead alleviates a lot of your troubles, but it compounds the troubles for everyone around you. Please don't think those thoughts.

Perhaps if you focus on you, and doing things 'for you', i.e. walking everyday in the park several laps, getting a part time job somewhere, whatever, it will benefit you and make you more confident and stronger within yourself.

 

[Hilly]

Heya,
I volunteer for a crisis hotline, so i get calls like your situation pretty often. This girl who is mistreating you, is toxic to you! She is hurting you and doesnt even care.
It's hard when it feels as if she is your only friend in the world, but thee are so many others out there! Have you thought about volunteering or taking up a class (yoga, pilates, art, cooking, etc)? These are fantastic ways to meet people and try new things.
Use this time as YOU time....do thinkgs for YOU! Treat yourself well, experience new things, etc. You will learn a lot about yourself, and will meet others.

I have not seen your other thread about depression, bt are you seeing a therapist or in a support group? That may be helpful for you.
I dont know the hotline numbers for Netherlands, but the toll free number in the US is 1-800- suicide. It's free, confidential, and has so much help (even if you are not feeling suicidal, its ok to call with Crisises of any sorts). They have referrals for support groups and therapists in your area as well as a non-judgemental ear to listen.
I hope this helps!!

 

[Bianca]

Thanks for your advice. I know suicide isn't a solution and that I hurt others with it. I'm planning to go to a therapist who helps change your behaviour (she's a specialist in it) and we already had contact. She says she wants to help me and that I can make an appointment with her but I have to find out how it works with insurance first because this lady is very expensive. I really hope that I can meet with her soon.

 

[User49]

I think that you are not doing anything wrong you know? Every day is an uphill struggle. That's life. And the way you pull yourself out of this feeling is to seek support. This person is not worth getting upset about. THere are a lot of people out there who feel the same way as you. That things could be so much better. Hang in there. Good things will come in time. Honest. But instead of feeling down and just being so hard on yourself give yourself a break. You would never tell someone that they are fat and that they are doing everything wrong and that they aren't even worth anything. And yet you are telling yourself these negative things constantly. This may not seem like it would do much harm, but clearly over time it does bring you down. You have to start reminding yourself of the good things. I too sometimes feel that things are just too much. I have a panic disorder which means that I get really worried very easily. Some mornings I don't even want to leave the house. But I try not to let it bring me down. If I did I would get depressed. I try and spend time with friends, I go out of the house when I am given the oppertunity (even if i don't feel like it) because the more you hide away and tell yourself negative things, the worse you feel. THeres nothing wrong with feeling upset. This person has cut you out of there life with no real explination. Not a good friend to have around so don't waste any more of your time thinking about them. There are better friends waiting to be made. But you wont be able to find them until you get out there and try. It's never easy, but eventually you will be surprised...

 

[Raerae]

You'll go through lots of friends over your lifetime. People just drift apart over time. I wouldn't think too much of it. I doubt she was doing on purpose to "dump" you. If anything she was like me, and that when people move out of my immidiate circle, i lose touch with them.

I still wear a friendship bracelet from my previous best friend, it's part of the jewelery I never take off. And I'm reminded of her everytime I look at it. But I also haven't spoke to her in almost two years now. We just drifted apart.

I just dont keep in touch with people. I dont know any of my friends from school anymore, or from former jobs, or from whatever. It's just how I am. I am however fiercly loyal to the friends that I do have, and would bend over backwards for any of them to help them out if the situation called for it. But at the same time, were I to move away, I doubt I would be calling them every week. Sure I'd try to do it in the begining, I always do. But life happens.

Anyways, dont take it personally chica. She's not doing it to hurt you.

 

[Willa]

I really understand how you feel
I'm 26 now, but I always ended up in my life losing my friends.
In high school it was for stupid reasons like :
-You don't smoke weed so you're not cool
-You don't understand what is it to have sex, you're not cool (wow, being a virgin at 14... what a problem...)
-You don't study as much as us, we want to concentrate on this
-And so and so...

In 2003 I was living in an apartment with this girl I knew since 1997 (we lived together for almost a year) and I took off. I had enought being the ''out of space'' one. Those girls were backstabbers, hypocrits and I was in the middle of their fights, and everytime it ended up my fault because I had an opinion on their childish situations.

Since then, I've been alone with myself, my mother and sister, and I meet people here and there to socialize. I also use internet a lot.

Being alone most of the time made me learn a lot about myself. I can tell you that its better to be alone than staying with people who dont care about you, selfish persons arent good for you.

If you dont feel good and feel depressed, talk!
Don't keep it inside.
Let it out.

You dont like the way you look?
Work on it!
Nobody can tell you what to do, and neither they can achieve what you have to do to reach your goal. Its easier to find a good job when you feel good about yourself. If you need someone to talk to, I'd be glad to write you emails