I need advice

TangoMango

Well-known member
Hey all,

My BF and I have been together for about 5 months and on Friday, we almost broke up and it mostly has to do with me. The past few weeks, we had been arguing, hardly seeing each other and barely talked. On Friday, I called him to talk about it and he started with 'You're a sweet girl and very kind but...' so I stopped him right then and there and told him to come to my house so we can talk face to face, because I'll be damned if I get dumped over the phone. He feels that I don't open up and that sometimes, he doesn't know me at all. I will admit, I do have a tendency to not express my feelings to others, including my own mother! He also feels that the relationship is becoming one-sided, with him doing everything and he doesn't want to feel used. I just transitioned to a new job and money is tight for me, so I thought he would understand that I can't just hand him gas money (which I think is complete bullshit, but anyway).

For some reason, it's so hard for me to open up. I want to be able to open up but I'm afraid to for some reason. I really want my relationship to work and it would hurt if it ended because I can't seem to let him in. Do you have any tips on opening up to a significant other?
 

lechat

Active member
It sounds goofy, but "just do it."

I have to work on the same thing. But what i've discovered is that the way you're feeling can be dealt with if you tell your partner. If you keep it inside, you're doing the relationship a disservice.

Next time something happens that you don't like, say it then.
example: "Hey, I just started my job and I don't have the gas money to come see you. Maybe we can meet in between?"

as opposed to thinking "WHAT A JERK. I can't believe he wants gas money." and being resentful/negative in your attitude and actions, while he's standing there like "I just came to see her.. wtf is her problem?"

Not talking about things leads to ambiguity and that's not a good thing.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
i agree with the above poster! just do it! tell him how you feel! and even if you're not seeing so much of each other right now, you can still send emails and texts to each other updating yourselves on what you are doing and how you're feeling.
 

Simply Elegant

Well-known member
Bike there if you can so money isn't an issue. Meet him halfway somewhere. With the opening up, I agree to just do it. You don't have to tell you worst secret but start out small- something you wouldn't want tons of people knowing but something your friends know about. Or play 20 questions.
 

kenoki

Well-known member
5 months is not a long time, and it sounds like only 4 of them have been pleasant. Is it possible that the two of you simply aren't compatible at this point in your lives? Breaking up is usually difficult, regardless of how much you like a person, but sometimes it's the right answer.

If the issue is financial, or a matter of effort, the simplest solution is to do things together that you could both afford or want to do alone.
 

TangoMango

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by kenoki
5 months is not a long time, and it sounds like only 4 of them have been pleasant. Is it possible that the two of you simply aren't compatible at this point in your lives? Breaking up is usually difficult, regardless of how much you like a person, but sometimes it's the right answer.

If the issue is financial, or a matter of effort, the simplest solution is to do things together that you could both afford or want to do alone.


Honestly, the 4 months of our relationship were fine and we both had talked about how drama-free our relationship was (my previous relationship was FILLED with drama and so was his). And while the past few weeks were rough, I feel that he and I do have a chance and that we are compatible. I think it's a good thing that we actually sat down and we were able to see what the problem was and try to nip it in the bud. I just think we went through a rough patch and I'm glad it happened earlier than later so that we could fix it. He and I are both ambitious and we have similar goals in life. We're giving it another shot, and if things don't work out this time, then we will break up.

On the financial issue, it really does hurt me that I want to go out but I'm worried that he feels like I'm using him.
 

kenoki

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TangoMango
Honestly, the 4 months of our relationship were fine and we both had talked about how drama-free our relationship was (my previous relationship was FILLED with drama and so was his). And while the past few weeks were rough, I feel that he and I do have a chance and that we are compatible. I think it's a good thing that we actually sat down and we were able to see what the problem was and try to nip it in the bud. I just think we went through a rough patch and I'm glad it happened earlier than later so that we could fix it. He and I are both ambitious and we have similar goals in life. We're giving it another shot, and if things don't work out this time, then we will break up.

Ah! Sounds like you guys are doing okay, then! This all sounds pretty darn reasonable.

Quote:
On the financial issue, it really does hurt me that I want to go out but I'm worried that he feels like I'm using him.

That stinks. Why would he feel used? Do you mean that he often or usually pays for your nights out?
 

TangoMango

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by kenoki
Ah! Sounds like you guys are doing okay, then! This all sounds pretty darn reasonable.



That stinks. Why would he feel used? Do you mean that he often or usually pays for your nights out?


He told me that his ex-gf never paid for anything, he didn't have a car then, so he would travel to see her and he said that the relationship was 'one-sided' and he said that he wants to avoid that. I totally understand how he feels because my mom is going through that. He and I don't go out often though, which is not a problem for me, but he likes to go to restaurants.
 

kenoki

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TangoMango
He told me that his ex-gf never paid for anything, he didn't have a car then, so he would travel to see her and he said that the relationship was 'one-sided' and he said that he wants to avoid that. I totally understand how he feels because my mom is going through that. He and I don't go out often though, which is not a problem for me, but he likes to go to restaurants.

Okay, I think I understand. In your original post you said that he felt your relationship was becoming one-sided as well... Meaning, I assume, that he often foots the bill and may also be the person who usually drives. I'm still not clear if this is what you mean, but we'll assume so.

This problem has a practical solution, since it is a practical matter of time and money. Meet in the middle. Meet in the middle in all respects. Drive over to his house as often as he drives over to yours. When driving together, trade off. If he drives one day, you drive the next. If you don't have a car, or if you ask him to drive you somewhere out of the way, yeah give him gas money. You'd be paying for gas if you were driving yourself, anyway (except now you get a chauffeur). If he covers a meal one night, only accept it if you know you can return the favor next time. Otherwise split it, or simply state that you can't afford to eat out all the time and, instead, set up a once a week or once every two week restaurant night. We used to do "Mexican Monday." It becomes more than just eating out too, it's a ritual you will look forward to sharing with him. There's no shame in having a budget. I said it before, but I'll say it again: do only what you could afford to do if you were single.

At its best, a significant other should be your favorite person to spend time with -- regardless of where you are or what you're doing. Yours is still a young relationship, too young to let money and nonsense like that spoil your time with one another. Money issues are the perfect way to ruin an otherwise great relationship. My homie and I have been together since I was 21 (I am 30 now) and it's been effortless. The only times we ever quarrel (debates don't count.. hehe) are over chores and money -- and that only happens maybe once or twice every couple of years for a maximum of 30 minutes. Once again, unlike matters of the heart and mind, which can be sticky and vague, practical solutions are easy to come by in your scenario. Get the practical stuff under wraps, and the actual relationship will come back into focus.
 

JULIA

Well-known member
My boyfriend likes to treat me to big, extravagant gifts and surprises. We're going out of town next week and he's paying for EVERYTHING. He understands I am in no position to be just as fancy with the special things and surprises I give to him, but they still make him very happy. After a long shift I made him a big dinner, a few days ago I baked him cookies and set up 2 glasses of milk so that when he came home we had a treat before bed. I'm always drawing silly pictures or making cute cards.

These are things that come from the heart and, to me, those kinds of gifts/surprises mean so much more than anything money can buy. You shouldn't feel any pressure to compete with his spending habits. Offer him all that you can from your heart and if that isn't good enough for him, then that's his problem.

I'm an extreme introvert but recently realized opening up isn't always a bad thing. Shutting out your boyfriend is, like another poster said, doing a complete disservice to your relationship. Communicating is so important...for both of you. On one hand, expressing your feelings/emotions and having someone help you make sense of them will put your soul at ease. On the other hand, your boyfriend will know that you feel safe with him, that you trust him and that will bring the two of yous closer together. The beautiful thing about being in a (healthy!) relationship is that you are no longer alone; you have this other person who's willing to fight every battle alongside you. Don't be scared, go for it.
 

lechat

Active member
Quote:
"This problem has a practical solution, since it is a practical matter of time and money. Meet in the middle. Meet in the middle in all respects. Drive over to his house as often as he drives over to yours. When driving together, trade off. If he drives one day, you drive the next. If you don't have a car, or if you ask him to drive you somewhere out of the way, yeah give him gas money. You'd be paying for gas if you were driving yourself, anyway (except now you get a chauffeur). If he covers a meal one night, only accept it if you know you can return the favor next time."

Aw, it made me happy to read this. We've only been together for about a year, but we do exactly this. We've never had an argument and any disagreement has been patched up immediately.

We're both full time students (read: broke 50% of the time, lol), and last week he invited me to lunch. He paid with his card, but I still slipped $6 (cost of my meal) into his pocket. He didn't realize until he got back home and called to tell me how I didn't have to do it, but how happy he is that I even considered doing it. Then today, he took me out and I didn't pay a thing, lol. Next time, it's my treat.

Money really doesn't have to be some kind of deal breaker. We split gas cost 50/50, and I'll drive to his house half the week, he drives to mine the other. It's only a big deal if there's not enough communication going on.
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
As you move from a courting relationship into basically experiencing and going through life with someone else it gets hairy to work out the money details. You guys should have an honest talk about what you both feel should be mutually paid for and tell him to only pay for things or give you things that come with no attachments so there is no resentment towards either of you.

I think the most important thing here is being honest. You sound like you're being honest with yourself about wanting to make this work, which is the first step. Now you have to be completely honest with him. I think ultimately we all look for someone who loves us for who we genuinely are and the only way to get that is by testing it. Show him who you really are, put it all out there and if the relationship works out it is much more fulfilling and easier than hiding your feelings. I use to be terrified of showing intimate details of my beliefs and thought processes to my bf.. I had convinced myself that I might be a little bit crazy. Overtime as I shared I really enjoyed it! It is so validating to share something with someone and for them to be fascinated by the way you function as a person. If you are scared it means you care about the outcome which is a good thing to know.
 

rutiene

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TangoMango
He told me that his ex-gf never paid for anything, he didn't have a car then, so he would travel to see her and he said that the relationship was 'one-sided' and he said that he wants to avoid that. I totally understand how he feels because my mom is going through that. He and I don't go out often though, which is not a problem for me, but he likes to go to restaurants.

A lot of girls here have said what I've wanted to say. But I wanted to give some advice about the restaurant thing. My boyfriend has a pretty decent job and makes quite a bit of money while I'm a poor college student. So he tends to pay for restaurants and stuff because he can afford it and I can't. To sort of 'help out' on my end, I've started to buy and plan out our restaurant visits according to what gift certificates I can get from Restaurant.com. They always have some sort of 70% or 80% sale going. This time around, I got about $125 worth of gc's for $10.

I always check up the restaurants on urbanspoon.com. The gc's always have a minimum amount the check has to be, which is usually $35, so he ends up paying about $15 out of pocket, for a $35+tax+tip dinner for both of us.
smiles.gif


Hope that helps.
 

TangoMango

Well-known member
Thank you all for the advice. I did open up to him, but it seems it wasn't enough because he dumped me last night. Over the phone, of course. He said that he feels bad that he forced me to open up when I wasn't ready to. I think he needs to learn how to be patient. We didn't know each other before we started dating, so how can he expect me to open up and to know everything about me in such a short time. I say he needs to learn patience because he's also impatient about his career. I'm sorry, I needed to vent a bit. I'm sad, hurt and angry and I feel like I wasted 5 months of my life on this failed relationship.
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TangoMango
Thank you all for the advice. I did open up to him, but it seems it wasn't enough because he dumped me last night. Over the phone, of course. He said that he feels bad that he forced me to open up when I wasn't ready to. I think he needs to learn how to be patient. We didn't know each other before we started dating, so how can he expect me to open up and to know everything about me in such a short time. I say he needs to learn patience because he's also impatient about his career. I'm sorry, I needed to vent a bit. I'm sad, hurt and angry and I feel like I wasted 5 months of my life on this failed relationship.

th_hug.gif
i'm sorry sweetie. i know you'll hate me for saying this but everything happens for a reason. i truely believe that. and now you can live and learn from this.
 

kaliraksha

Well-known member
Quote:
Originally Posted by TangoMango
Thank you all for the advice. I did open up to him, but it seems it wasn't enough because he dumped me last night. Over the phone, of course. He said that he feels bad that he forced me to open up when I wasn't ready to. I think he needs to learn how to be patient. We didn't know each other before we started dating, so how can he expect me to open up and to know everything about me in such a short time. I say he needs to learn patience because he's also impatient about his career. I'm sorry, I needed to vent a bit. I'm sad, hurt and angry and I feel like I wasted 5 months of my life on this failed relationship.

I'm sorry, sweetie. It's not a complete waste of time, you learned a lot about yourself and relationships. It seems like you guys were at different places and you will find yourself happier going at your own rate or with a guy who doesn't push when you're not ready. Take care of yourself and spend time doing stuff you love.
 

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