I need BF advice!

[melozburngr]

Ok- all you wise Specktra-ers

I am having a bit of a boyfriend dilema... here is the background..

BF is 29, and I am 24 (not that it matters, just giving info)
We've been dating 11 months.. (approx)
HIM: very practical, very precise (engineer), penny pincher, not kid-like at all
ME: not practical, artsy, spend $ before I have it, VERY kid at heart..


Ok- heres the sitch...

Lately we've been having issues, ranging from not enough time spent together, me taking him for granted (in his opinion), and him not making any sort of effort to make me feel special anymore, and the fact that we havent gone on a date(even in the smallest sense of the term) in over 2 months.

Well recently, (as in, tonight), he asked me what I was doin this weekend- I told him that Sat afternoon I am going ot see Skeleton Key with 2 of my guy friends, kellen and Mike... he says " I don't like this Kellen and Mike thing" This PISSES me off. When we started dating I told him upfront that this was a big issue for me, as I have all guy friends- and pretty much on or 2 girl friends. this is an issue that ended my last relationship. I get along better with guys than girls, and I have ALWAYS had more guy friends than girl friends. I just dont understand why this is becoming such an issue now- when I told him upfront my feelings about my friends.

My friends are my friends... they arent something I want to compromise on. Am I wrong?

What should I do? I told him that if this guy friend thing is an issue with him, then maybe we need to consider discussing and reevaluating our relationship....


can anyone throw some good advice my way? Feel free to ask questions if you feel you need some more info to more clearly assess the situation...

 

[ChrisKsAngel]

Quote:

My friends are my friends... they arent something I want to compromise on. Am I wrong?

You are not wrong. You have every right to have your friends, just as he has the right to have your friends. This is only healthy.

My question is has this been a problem before? Has he mentioned as he calls it "this Kellen and Mike thing" before?

However, it seems like you are not completely happy with your relationship. Maybe it is time for heave thinking on your part. Plus. it never hurts to talk to him about the way you have been feeling. If he really loves you, he will not mind talking to you.

You have not been out on a date in while, ask him out girl! Go out and have fun! It just may be that you have hit a dull spot in your relationship.

Hope this helps a little.

 

[melozburngr]

oh... I ask all the time.... he is a workaholic- and his business and work seem to take precedence over moi... but when he wants to hang out- Im expected to drop everything.

and I've been friends with Mike for over 3 years, and Kellen for maybe a year? not sure about Kellen.. but in any event.. I regard my guy friends as I would a girl friend.. I just dont GET guys sometimes.


We have talked extensively about our relationship... and stuff changes for like a week.. and then its back to the way it was.. grr..

 

[Janice]

Well I can identify where you are coming from. I usually end up in male dominated hobbies so all my life I have generally had more male friends than female and it does become an issue in some relationships.

IMO it's only because the partner is not secure enough in themselves and the relationship to trust in the innocence of the dynamic between you and the male friends.

I believe it boils down to a trust issue, and those are hard to work past since they are usually the foundation of the relationship.

I think it's great you invited him to participate in a reevaluation of the relationship, but regardless if he is involved I think you should do some of your own evaluating.

There are fundamental differences it seems like you already have in mind, you might be attracted to him because those are traits you desire and know you will need in a person to counter your own artistic personality. Is this the guy who should posess them though? I know the age difference isn't much but he might be expecting to enter into a serious relationship (marriage, family) and are you ready for that? If it does go there then you have to realize that he isn't going to like the 'other men' in your life,

.

Enough rambling.

 

[AlliSwan]

You're not wrong at ALL. I am EXACTLY the same way with having all male friends, thankfully, I have found a guy who TRULY DOESN'T CARE about these other men in my life. Sure, they all say they'll be cool with it, but then when it really comes down to it, the boyfriends are weird about it all (which is what I'm guessing is happening).

You may want to ask him to go out with Kellen and Mike to ease the tension your BF feels. He'll see the way you guys all interact and that it really is just a friendship. Warning, though: don't combine everyone if you don't think they'll mesh well--it can just make things more awkward. I introduced my boyfriend to a good friend of mine and they had NOTHING in common. So, the BF was kinda looking at me like, well, if he and I don't have anything in common, how do you two have anything in common?

Just TALK to him (not being girly, as I imagine you're not either, makes this a last resort for me). It really does help smooth things over.

(I have two girls' phone numbers, one is my mom's and the other is this chick I work with...allll the other ones are my guy friends. Good thing this Specktra/MUA community exists or I would have NO female interaction!)

 

[melozburngr]

Janice-

its weird... sometimes I wonder if we're right for each other- but then there are some times when I have no doubts... I'm just so on edge about this relationship that I really dont know what to do... he is a huge part of my life.. and I dont know what I would do if he werent there... but I am not happy in the actual relationship.

As far as the seriousness of the relationship - we have talked about getting more serious, and I'm cool with it, but things need to get 100000% better before that happens. I'm not asking a lot... just to feel special... something he really needs to work on. I dont cacre if he spends money on me, I spend enough on myself... I just want to feel like he cares.

as far as if marriage ever came in the picture... my guy friends will NEVER go away. EVER. they are my friends. my sister is very much like me... she is always surrounded by guy friends.. as she races mountain bikes semi-pro, and also shoots Skeet and trap.. etc.. I was a garage girl, always doing things that were not 'girly' - HENCE< the lack of GIRL friends. I find a lot of girls are petty, so I choose the laidback personality of most guys. My sister is married- and fortunately (for her) she found one of the guys that is cool with her friends.... since he himself has a lot of girl friends.


ahh... I dunno..

AlliSwan- I thought about the whole meshing of friends thing... and Kellen and Mike wouldnt get along with Matt at all... Kellen is the Artsy type (going to school for philosphy) and Mike is a really nice guy- but is immature- which would drive matt nuts.

I HATE talking in relationships- I love to avoid conflict, but this relationship was one that I wanted to work for... but, Im talking so much Im running out of air.

 

[melozburngr]

by the way- I really appreciate the advice!!!

 

[AlliSwan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by melozburngr I find a lot of girls are petty, so I choose the laidback personality of most guys. but, Im talking so much Im running out of air.

I soooo understand this.

 

[ChrisKsAngel]

Quote:

We have talked extensively about our relationship... and stuff changes for like a week.. and then its back to the way it was.. grr..

I have been in relationships like this. Honestly, though I never figured out how to handle it. In the end, we ended up splitting up because things never got and stayed where either one of us was happy.

I also understand how you hate to "talk" but unfortunatly talking is the only way to fix things. Ugh... I can't stand getting or giving the "we have to talk line."

I wish you the best!

 

[Hawkeye]

I guess I'll be the point blank blunt one.

First I do know where your coming from and you can never compromise on friends. Friends will be with you no matter what.

You seem very uncertain in this relationship. From reading the above posts-how I've read it-is that there are those bursts of moments when everything is great, but for the most part it's not.

Communication is the key to any successful relationship.

It really concerns me when you say you are on edge in this relationship. When you love somebody you are not on edge and constantly second guessing yourself. It's kind of weird how it is when you find the right guy-sure you have those times when you are glad you can't dissenegrate them with your thoughts but for the most part you are comfortable, you have trust, and it's a good spot to be in.

But as I've read your post and the many wonderful people who have given awesome advice, the only thing I can tell you is, from my perspective from what your telling us is that you do kinda think it maybe time to say goodbye to this guy but you just don't want to do it or you don't want to face the reality or whatever.

Again this is just my opinion.

And I'm not saying any of this to be mean or rude or evil or whatever. I know that you are a very special person and that it is not unreasonable to ask to treated as so. I guess I'm saying it more out of well, concern I guess is the right word.

I mean even when your typing things will have to get a couple thousand times better that just tells me that your not really happy.

Anyway the best thing you can do is sit back and ask yourself are you happy with this guy? Is he helping you or hindering you? Is he just sort of there?

I know you say he's a huge part of your life but then the question is what part of your life is he? Is he good? Bad? How does he affect your decisions?

Also you may want to look down the road. As I have told a friend of mine who is getting married (and again I know you are not planning on walking the aisle yet)- she has issues with some of the things her fiance does-but what I tell her is- you know those little annoying things? They will only get worse. You have to decide if you can deal with it or not.

Also the next question I would ask myself is how is this man affecting me? Is he making me happy? Has he made me miserable in the past few months? Do I *really* love him or is it now just the love of having a boyfriend that I love?

I mean thats some things to ponder. Again I'm not saying ANY of this to be mean but in my experience and listening to a bunch of my friends describe a lot of things many of them have answered these questions-that may seem easy but if you think about it they are really hard to answer. You must go with your gut instinct.

Please don't take offense to any of this, I mean I guess what I and all the other ladies on here want is for you to be happy because we know how wonderful you are

 

[moonrevel]

I have to largely agree with youbeabitch....it wasn't quite the same situation I had a while back, but I think similar enough of a dilemma to cite here.

When I was an undergrad, I had this boyfriend, and in total we were together for four years. At first, things were fine, but eventually a lot of stuff starting wearing on me...he didn't like my friends, our outlooks on life were totally different and we wanted different things out of life, and he was totally obsessed with knowing where I was all the time and who I was with (cue the insecurity). I kind of stuck with it because I didn't want to be alone and he had always been, for all intents and purposes, nice to me. But after a while, I really had to ask myself, were all our problems and differences really something we could work out? God knows I tried, but it just seemed like the things we argued about were not going away, and weren't going to be solved no matter how many times we beat the proverbial dead horse. I don't know if both situations are quite the same, but some things, in my opinion, just can't be worked out in relationships...you can talk them to death, but nothing really changes. I think it's better to try to find a relationship that works for you and fits you, rather than trying to make your relationship fit, or make yourself fit the relationship.

That was a ramble, but I think my main point is...we're young! We're beautiful! We love makeup! *here's the cheesy part* We're really too special and precious to spend more time than is really necessary trying to be happy with guys who, in the end, may not really be right for us. I've seen it with friends (and myself) a thousand times, and sometimes I think the best thing is to acknowledge that some things have been really good, but at the end of the day, not worth torturing yourself over to work it all out.

Okay, I'm done, I swear.

 

[Shawna]

Ok, I've been thinking about this and here's what I've come up with. I used to have a bf that wouldn't even want me to hang out with the girls because it was time I should have been spending with him. I could forget about my guy friends. Once I grew a spine, I dumped him and have never looked back. My husband is amazing though. One of my best friends is a guy named Stew. We hang out all the time, and Mick never gets angry. In fact, if I am pestering him to go and do something and he doesn't feel like it, he will often say "can't you phone Stew and see if he wants to go"

I think the whole problem comes down to trust. If there is not enough trust in the relationship, there isn't much of a relationship. I know you are an amazing person and damn, you're hot! That mermaid picture is WOW! It is hard to think of yourself without the person you have spent the last year with, but maybe it is time to just take a step back and have a break to see where things go. He has got to learn to trust you first and foremost. You deserve it. Good luck Mel.

 

[melozburngr]

Thanks girls- I really appreciate all the advice... I think i really need to sit and evaluate what Im looking for in my relationship...

mel