I'm getting married..and I'm in a mommy shitstorm!

[Sanne]

hey everyone!!

I really need to vent:
my longterm boyfriend has proposed to me, and we're getting married!!! I'm super exited, and everyone around us is so happy happy for us, it's just heartwarming. But I have a big problem; my mum "claimed" me for the weddinggown shopping, and even though I love to go with her, I want my (soon to be) mother in law to come with us too. When I told my mum about my wish, she told me that she wasn't happy about this, and that she wanted me to keep the mother/daughter tradition in awe. She kept on going about it in a way I coulnd't say no anymore, and now I'm stuck with a promiss I made to her, and a badtaste in my mouth... I love my mum, but I hate that she can only be happy when things go the way she planned.
This is my wedding, not hers and I hate is that she doesn't care about what I want! Now I don't want to start a war with her about this, but I want to get my mother in law involved!
what should I do???

xxx Sanne

 

[gatsby]

Congratulations!

Maybe do first-round shopping with your mother, and bring in your mother-in-law for the final decision? You'll probably have to narrow it down to a few gowns before you decide on The Dress anyway, and that way both of them can be involved. Or you can just consult your mother-in-law for virtually everything else about the wedding, and leave your Mom to be happy that she got to be the one to pick out the dress.

Weddings are more of a family event than people like to think, and sometimes they become Ground Zero for family conflicts. You can be firm on things that really mean a lot to you, but be prepared to let the people around you be a little unreasonable, or risk hearing them complain about it at every Christmas from now until the end of time. :S

$0.02

 

[MAC_Whore]

Congrats!

That's a tough situation. Gatsby has a great suggestion about taking a couple of shopping trips. That way everyone is involved. I really think that excluding your mother-in-law could be a bad start to things.

Your mom may have a bit of jealousy, after all, she has been the only mom in your life until now. I respect that your mom wants to keep to a tradition, but why can't you make a new tradition?

I might point out that your mom said you can't say no, but by doing things your mom's way, you are saying no to your future mother-in-law. So does she mean that you aren't saying "no" to the "right" person? That's not very fair to you.

Ultimately, it is your wedding, so please do what makes you happy. You may have to work on your mom a bit, but I'm sure she'll come around. If anything, explain to your mom how much it would mean to include both moms and ask that she make that your wedding present.

Good luck!

 

[Sanne]

thanks for bopth your replies

Quote:

Originally Posted by gatsby Congratulations! Maybe do first-round shopping with your mother, and bring in your mother-in-law for the final decision? You'll probably have to narrow it down to a few gowns before you decide on The Dress anyway, and that way both of them can be involved.

the problem is that I couldn't hold myself in, bought 10 wedding mag's and went to a weddingshop with a friend allready. I think I know which dress I want, I'm open to try a few more, but I think that dress is the one...
I really don't wanna go to 10 bridalshops anymore, but I'm also afraid to tell my mum I found my dress by myself allready...

me and my mom suffer from constant bad communication, I feel like she only listens to the first 3 words I say, then hang her own conclusion on what she thinks i'm saying, without listening to the rest I've got to say(are you still with me?

). I don't really feel connected with her, I'm always very carefull with what I say, because she can at angry over nothing, and it's been like this for years.

With my mother in law I have a great bond, we really connect, and I love how she expresses herself. That's why I love to bring her along, I cannot wait to hear and see her reaction when I'm wearing the dress

right now I feel really doubtfull over what I wanna do. I'm pissed over the fact that she forced me to do things her way, in such an important part of my life, but on the other hand, it's not like I don't want to go without her anyway...
confusion, confusion...

ps: lmao over this line

Quote:

You can be firm on things that really mean a lot to you, but be prepared to let the people around you be a little unreasonable, or risk hearing them complain about it at every Christmas from now until the end of time. :S

 

[frocher]

.......

 

[captodometer]

Congrats!

If you are old enough to be getting married, you are also old enough to stand up to your mother. Doesn't sound like you have had the best relationship over the years, so what does it really matter if she's upset with you now? It is your wedding, and you are entitled to plan it any way that you want(short of becoming a Bridezilla, of course) So go back and tell your mother that MIL is going dress shopping with you; if your mother is truly not OK with this she will decide to stay home. Her decision, her loss.

Be firm on this issue. Because if you're not, your mother will probably end up dictating where you live, what kind of house you buy, what you name your children, how many of them you decide to have,etc.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by captodometer Congrats! If you are old enough to be getting married, you are also old enough to stand up to your mother. Doesn't sound like you have had the best relationship over the years, so what does it really matter if she's upset with you now? It is your wedding, and you are entitled to plan it any way that you want(short of becoming a Bridezilla, of course) So go back and tell your mother that MIL is going dress shopping with you; if your mother is truly not OK with this she will decide to stay home. Her decision, her loss. Be firm on this issue. Because if you're not, your mother will probably end up dictating where you live, what kind of house you buy, what you name your children, how many of them you decide to have,etc.

This is SO true. Stand your ground or you will regret it forever. Do what YOU want to do. It is YOUR wedding, not hers. Period.

 

[SparklingWaves]

Congratulations!

If I were you, I would have a day with each mom. You could go out to lunch, get your nails done, get a makeover, get a facial or get a massage. Have a non-stressful ladies day out. But, in turn, you would be giving an environment for both of you to just relax and not stress out. That's what you need right now.

 

[Sanne]

well I talked to my dad, because I didn't know how to solve the problem without starting a huge war, and he offered to talk to my mum.. now he told me yesterday that theuy had a talk allready, and he's going to come over to my place monday or tuesday to talk about it, and he also said he has a strong opinion about it.... now I'm totally freaking out!!! I hope it will be a good outcome.....

 

[COBI]

Why not tell her that in your excitement you've been keeping your eyes open and found the perfect dress? And rather than pretending that you haven't found it already and spending unnecessary time trying dresses on, you'd like to have a bonding day at a spa with her?

 

[Sanne]

my fiance and I had a talk with my parents tonight, and I told them that we've made a desicion, I'm going shopping for my wedding gown, and I invited her(my mum) AND my mother in law. The choice she had to make is whether she's going to accept this or not. Luckily she did, even though she wasn't happy, but I emotions where going through the roof, I don't blame her. My fiance told her that if we go their way, I won't be happy, and if they go my way, my mum won't be happy, and he said that he put my happiness over hers during the wedding preparations.
I guess it turned out well, I hope that by then the sky has cleared a bit, and the day will be fun for everyone...