I'm just going to ramble...maybe someone has a solution


Well-known member
I'm feeling extra uneasy today and didn't know if anyone out there in Specktra-land may have some sort of suggestion for me, or something.

I have a headache & this is a long, tangled little web so it may get to be long and complicated, I'm sorry for that.

My boyfriend & I just celebrated our 3 year anniversary. We've been living together for over 2 years. We've been through a bunch together, good & bad, but this past year has pretty much been hell. I don't know why, but he has always been pretty controlling. Has to know where I am at all times, etc. Mid-December of last year I was working 3 jobs & taking 22 credits at school. It was finals of my second to last semester, trying to write my thesis & get my senior exhibit together and I was losing my mind. I let myself fall under the spell of a certain rockstar (I have rationalized it saying that I was looking for some sort of escape from life, but really, i was wrong & have admitted to that ad-nauseaum), and my bf found out.
From that point on he got extra controlling. Understandable, I guess, but now, almost a year later, we are still dealing with trust issues. Over the past month things have been getting better, but I still can't let go of the controlling nature that he has. It comes out every once in a while and when that happens, it all floods back and I get really scared that he's going to start controlling me like that again & we're going to start fighting really bad. He's never physically hurt me, but his yelling is pretty frightening.
Fast forward to now....
Things with my bf & I are for the most part good. However, there are guys in my life that I have very long history with & am having issues sorting out my feelings about.
Boy #1-My best friend from high school-whom when I was 14 said I was going to grow up & marry just had a baby with his (now) girlfriend. He wrote me the other day saying he still loved me & wished he wasn't with her, blah blah blah. the worst part-I have never stopped loving him and cry a lot cause that baby isn't mine. (ok, so that's a little crazy, but the fact that he got her pregnant broke my heart...I do not & have never wanted kids, but I figured if I did, it would be with him).
#2-I for some reason really miss my ex who lives 1/2 way across the country. We're still really close friends & talk all the time. His family would really like to see us back together. I found out today that he has a new girlfriend (he has yet to admit that to me, but damn you MySpace). I have on several occasions contemplated giving up everything here & moving out there to be with him.
#3-And then, that aforementioned rockstar (who of course has a girlfriend, and has for the entire time that I've known him) still writes me and wants to "hang out" and junk.

Ok so now all the boy issues are out on the table...

My job/$ issues-I have a degree in Art Education & just have to pay NYS $100 to get my teaching certification. I also have been to MUD and now work for MAC & do other MUA duties. I have no real ambition to do any of this stuff. I go to work 3 days a week, but have Monday-Thursday off. Financially I need a job during the week, but I can't get up to even fold my mounting pile of laundry, let alone to go out & look for a job. On top of all that, college put me in some crazy debt & also this week I have put $500 into my car, that of course, went on a credit card.

And my life issues-my best friend's little sister was killed 3 weeks ago. Her (the little sister) boyfriend "accidentally" shot her and is being charged with Manslaughter 2. I was able to stay with them for nearly 2 weeks (they live 6 hours away from me). The entire family is having a rough time dealing with it and I really want to be with them all. Even if it's nothing more than being a shoulder to cry on or to watch my best friend's baby so she can breathe.

So, at this point, I really just want to give up on life & go back to my parent's house (I moved out when I was 17 & haven't been back for more than a month since then) and sleep. I don't have it in me to go to work only pay all these frikin bills. And even though my boyfriend lives with me and is there all the time, I feel smothered, but lonely at the same time.

Is there any sort of simple solution to all of this? Sorry for the novel.


Well-known member
Looks like you need to start really prioritizing life.

In all aspects.

You also got to realize that (and im going to sound like a bitch here) after your little mistake your boyfriend will never fully trust you again. There is *ALWAYS* going to be a shadow of doubt there.

That being said, I think you need to #1 take a week off
#2 pack your bags and go somewhere in nature
and then STOP.
Just stop.
There you can listen cry and get itno a huge fight beat the hell out of a tree whatever and then listen.

You won't have anything to do for a week. All you will be able to do is simply think and prioritize and there will be a point where your trying to do everything will be broken. You will suddenly just want to listen and do whatever.

Then you will find everything has been prioritized for you. and you would've rested and when you return you will know in your heart was is best.

If your boyfriend insists he comes along and wont trust you enough to just go somewhere in nature (I mean you can get a hotel yeah but let it be like one in the woods) then you must realize that the trust issue is still there and he may or may not be willing to let you prioritize. It's at that point you know you need to break it off.

All these other guys you have feelings for, they are off limits as well. You may as well stop communicating with them.

Once you get your priorities in order follow through with them.

Then return to the world.

I can tell you what I think you need to do. Heres exactly what I think you need to do: Break it off with your bf, stop communicating with those boys and go to your best friend and help out as much as possible and maybe look for a job around there. But me telling you that will do you no good until you realize it for yourself.

I remember one day I was so bogged down with school I drove out in the middle of some woods somewhere and beat the hell out of a tree, I yelled at it then got mad it didn't back down then kicked it then yelled at it some more (can you imagine how funny it was?) Then I realized that this was a problem that having a muddled viewpoint was not going to solve.

See the problems they were like the tree, I could either attack it and nothing get done except I hit a big tree-big F'in whoop or I could sit down try to gain some clairity and work with my problems not against them.

As soon as I did that I found I really kind of liked the woods/nature. And I began to let my priorities off to the side and somehow as soon as I relinqushed control I knew what I had to do.

It's one of those things.

Maybe try that and see how it works out?


Well-known member
Originally Posted by MisStarrlight
And even though my boyfriend lives with me and is there all the time, I feel smothered, but lonely at the same time.

i feel the same way. i'm with my boyfriend alot, and he has made some comments about how close i am with a handful of guys, two of which i have been talking to alot the past few days/weeks because they just came home from boot camp and i missed them like crazy. given his history, i didn't think he'd have the audacity to question my motives or question me about my male friends, but obviously he does.

sit down and talk to him, tell him that you're uncomfortable with his control issues and the trust issues. let him know how you feel about those other men, and let him know how you feel about HIM. this situation may warrant you taking a break from him, let him know that.

relationships (especially ones in trouble) can really take a toll on your drive to do things, especially find a job (i know this all too well). my boyfriend and i (well, mostly me) have been having our share of problems lately because he's spun a pretty intricate web of lies not too long ago and it really hurt me. i have trouble believing ANYTHING he says right now, and for a long time, i just stayed home all day everyday. i wouldn't even get dressed or anything. sleep until 2 in the afternoon, get up with my pajamas on, go watch tv. i didn't even eat anything some days because i just felt like hell and all i could think about was him and the problems we were facing.

after i sat him down and talked to him about what i was feeling, things got alot better. they still aren't perfect, but at least i get dressed almost everyday now (haha, not EVERY day of course, i'm 18 and just graduated in June, i need some time off after 13 years of school, right?) but i've finally started getting my life back on track, looking for a job, defeating the infamous trash corner in my bedroom.

so, try talking to him and lay everything out on the table. be like "okay, here's what's up, i love this other dude, but i love you as well. don't take it for granted" and so forth, be crystal clear with everything and let him do some talking, too. as for the other issues, have you ever tried meditation? i know, alot of people don't believe that it works, but you might be surprised at how much sitting alone in a candle lit room can help you