I'm so pissed off, I'm literally in tears over this.

[alien21xx]

What do you do when your man is acting like a serious dickwad?

My boyfriend is getting into one of these "periods" again where he's picking a fight with me practically every day. Last Monday it was because I didn't tell him I was going home already (what the fuck is the point if I don't live with him?) I normally do call him or SMS him but I forgot this time, and I just said I'm sorry I forgot and he acted like it was the end of the world because he didn't know I was going home from work!

Last night, after saying goodbye and good night to retire for the day, I went off to brush my teeth again because I had a late night snack. When I came back, and about to shut off my laptop, he called again, and that goddamn Yahoo! Messenger beeped because someone went offline and then he started on how he can't trust me anymore when I say things like good night because I'm apparently not going to sleep yet. What the flying fuck?

Just now, while at work, I told him not to message me on the office network for about 20 minutes because I was going out to have some coffee. When I came back, he went on an inquest to ask who I was with, and if I had been having coffee with these people regularly and if so, why the hell didn't I tell him etc etc. I shot back saying I report every single fucking minuscule detail in my pathetically BORING little life to him. I dedicate every single waking moment to letting him know how the fuck I am, even if it's just "I'm ok, how are you?" I don't even have a fucking social life because he hates it when I go out with my office friends (I don't have friends outside of office since I'm a migrant) because they're all men and he's jealous. I don't have a life already so I can dedicate everything to him and he's STILL NOT FUCKING HAPPY.

To be fair, after these episodes, he apologizes the next day. But it's been happening daily and I'm really doing all I can not to shoot my mouth off because it's just going to cause another HUGE argument where I'd again come off as the one picking fights with him and treating him badly. And I'd end up feeling shitty about myself all over again for making him feel bad... It's just too much already.

He's not always like this so I don't want to make it appear like he's being an ass to me all the time, but he's so possessive, so stalker-ish to my activities that I can't even talk to my friends online without him snooping around.

Except on these occasions he's a really great guy, but when these happen, I feel like I go through a crisis every time. And because of how fucking jealous he always gets, I don't even have friends here who I can confide and cry to when he's being a total dick.

OK, sorry. That's long and a whole lot of TMI, but I needed to get this out of my system. I seriously love this guy, but this whole BZUH?WTF? attitude is pissing me off so badly I even used expletives to type.

 

[Shimmer]

The stalkerish, possessive attitude is a HUGE sign of abuse. My exhuband was this way and all I can say is, I'm really glad he gave me two great kids, other than that...

Good luck.

 

[*Stargazer*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shimmer The stalkerish, possessive attitude is a HUGE sign of abuse. My exhuband was this way and all I can say is, I'm really glad he gave me two great kids, other than that... Good luck.

It may also be a sign of infidelity on HIS part. Tread very carefully and take care of yourself.

 

[faifai]

...what Shimmer and Ladybug said.

The extremely paranoid, controlling behavior is a HUGE red flag. You need to be able to breathe in this relationship without fear of pissing him off. I would seriously consider ending it - his jealousy and possessiveness is not going to get better, it will get worse.

 

[nunu]

Hugs hun.
I agree with the above posts. I'm sorry i can't offer you much advice.
good luck.

 

[a914butterfly]

i totally agree with everyone here. thats how my ex-husband was. i thought he was just worried about me and felt happy that someone was a little jelous of me, but that only esculated into more and more trouble. it also esculated into abuse, both physically and mentally. get out of the relationship while you are ahead of the game. he dont own you and no one has a right to treat you that way. if they cant trust you, they have no business with you.

 

[n_c]

Agreed with the posters above *hugs*

 

[SparklingWaves]

This can be an intense insecurity on his part that may be pathologic. I don't know if he is making up these things in his mind as reality.

Secondly -he could be acting out these things himself and projecting his guilt onto you. In other words, it's a reverse psychology mental projection. After he is with another, he will have the makeup or I am so sorry sessions with you. He will do this so he can carry on two relationships.

Whatever this is, it is not healthy. It is twisted and extremely selfish on his part. It is apparently making you upset and uncomfortable. He is not acknowledging your feelings about how his behavior is impacting you.

Please re-evaluate this relationship. Don't dismiss his patterns and your inner instincts. Be careful and be well.

 

[Temptasia]

I agree with the ladies who posted so far.

You have every right to be pissed off and you really need to re-evaluate this relationship. He is controlling and what he is doing is emotionally abusive. Life is too short to live with that kind of misery. Everyone who experiences this deserves better, and don't let any apology make you forget that.

Do not justify his behaviour.

 

[user79]

I have to agree with everyone!! Wow, the ladies of Specktra are on the same wavelength.

He sounds super controlling and jealous, combined they can have a very strong effect on the relationship. It either stems out of intense insecurity, or out of a generally aggressive-dominating nature on his part. I don't know how you have been able to put up with his behaviour so far! How long have you 2 been together?

You should sit down with him and have a serious talk that his controlling behaviour is impacting the relationship negatively. If the behaviour doesn't change, honestly, I would end it. It doesn't bode well.

 

[meiming]

I agree with all the ladies here. Good luck and take care of yourself. In cases like this, it rarely gets better...it only gets worse. What were to happen if one day you decide to live together? Does that mean he will now own your life completely?

 

[alien21xx]

Thanks to you all for the concern and advice!

I guess I also just want to say that he has always admitted to having a jealous streak, and I've accepted that because he has also accepted the fact that I am (quite often) very mean, even to him. This behavior of his only pops up so very rarely in our 2-year relationship that I have just forgiven him every time.

This morning, he apologized for this and I told him that I'm not going to forgive him until I see evidence that he's not going to be an asshole anymore when I try to have a life. We're not on speaking terms yet, but I will try to give him a chance. If he blows this one, I'm not having fits of being merciful again and just cut him out of my life.

 

[Jennifer Mcfly]

i agree. he either has serious trust issues or he's projecting. either way. he needs help.
good luck sweetie. ::

 

[Bonbonroz]

You were completely right to tell him, this really was the right thing to do. Take care of yourself and hold on to your decision firmly. *hugs*

 

[Peeech]

All those are just signs of insecurity on his part. Its hard for him to trust anyone. My ex was like that and I just left. Its not worth the stress to me. A relationship without trust just wont work.

 

[blindpassion]

All of what you mentioned are signs of abuse, even though they just seem like acting out or insecurity on his part, its signs of abuse... well, it is abuse, but the beginning stages. I was in an abusive relationship a few years ago and it actually ended in me being assaulted by my boyfriend. I didn't pay attention to the signs, and it took me a very long time to get over because it was so devastating. He hated me going out with friends and made me feel guilty for basically having a life outside of him! He used to go off the handle about everything, even if it wasn't a big deal, just so he could control me. When I got out of the relationship, I had no friends, only one best friend who had been there since grade 5, because I had alienated all of my friends and lost those relationships. It was the hardest thing in the world to recover from. Dont let a man control your life, and don't let him decide who you can talk to and who you can see, that's abuse... and you may love him and love can cloud your judgement, it definitely did to me. Please love, don't let this happen to you... be careful, and just because he apologizes the next day doesn't mean anything, that just makes him believe he has more power over you, because you're showing him that he can treat you badly and then apologize and everything will be fine, and he can do it over and over again because there are no consequences for his behavior. Be careful, and if hes not meeting your needs in the relationship then get out before it gets to be to much for you. Be safe!

 

[missy29]

I have been in a similar situation, and because the guy apologises, you think its ok and forgive them. But its not ok. It just gets worse. I ended up being scared of my ex boyfriend. I lost all my friends, and it got to a point where I couldnt even see my family without him going off at me.

It took a lot of courage but I left that relationship. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I am much better for it. There is no need for you to justify everything you do to someone.

I really wish you the best of luck in achieving an outcome that works for you and you can be happy!

 

[alien21xx]

Just to update everyone, my bf saw me yesterday and I think I had some sort of anxiety attack over our fight (non-stop crying, not eating, vomitting, etc etc) He was very concerned that I was so serious about this because before, I had dismissed his bad behavior quite flippantly.
We've resolved to give our relationship one more chance and my dad also had a word with him (basically told him that he was going to get my bf deported and then assassinated if anything of the sort ever happened again, you get the idea how dads are LOL. It was quite funny though)
I want to see how this will work out in the longer run. I hope it will be for the best.
Thank you all for the advice and for just hearing me out.

 

[glamdoll]

Usually it doesn't get better, it gets worse. These attitudes, and his jealousy is from with in. There is nothing you cna do about it. He has to want to improve and change himself. He has to fight his demons.

If it gets any worse. As sad as it will be, leave. You dont deserve to have to live w/ something like that.

best wishes.

 

[Willa]

Its a good thing you realized the situation...
I mean, sometimes people just keep it for themselves, denies anything, untill its too late.

I hope you'll find your way out of it.
Maybe I'm negative, but I don't think unless he see's someone about it, that he'll change.

Take care of YOURself in that story.