Insomnia can make you philosophical...

[euphrosyne_rose]

One of my favorite things about SATC... "I couldn't help but wonder..."

I'm having some trouble falling asleep and somehow started thinking about this thing Dear Prudence said in her advice column the other day. I read it every so often just b/c I like reading people's issues and what she has to say. A few people had been writing in complaining about their significant other and she basically said, "Why do we always gravitate towards the people who make us miserable?" Amen to that!

I of course then started thinking about all my past relationships and how for about a year and a half now, I've been single. I'm almost 31 and while I do sometimes miss the perks of having a b/f and someone in my life, right now I DON'T miss the being miserable half the time and putting up with someone's bullshit. Then again, I could just be jaded and cynical since so far I've had really nothing but negative experiences when it comes to relationships and maybe I've just haven't found Mr. Right. It seemed like I always ended up doing that girl thing we've all been guilty of at least once where we tell ourselves, "Oh, just be patient! Things will get better soon, you just have to give it some time!" and then we've been patient til we're Deep Truth blue in the face (like the MAC reference?

) and months have gone by with no change and we're even more miserable. What makes us hang on and hang on to the person who it's just not happenin' with?

But then that made me start thinking about the Mr. Right/soulmate issue and I started to wonder if there is a "perfect" person for someone or is it just the person you deal with and who deals with you the best? It seems to me more and more that the more you read and the more you talk with people, one person seems to always get tired of the other. It happens. But for some lucky people it lasts forever. Some people can't imagine being happy with just one person for the rest of their lives and other people can't imagine being happy with anyone else but the one they're with.

Even now it seems like us ladies still feel the pressure to get married, have kids, have a house, etc and all before a certain period in our lives. Some feel the "clock" ticking and others don't. As of right now, my clock isn't ticking the least bit. Could it be because I work at a school where my business is dealing with children all day? I love all of them and love working there but at the end of the day, I don't feel like I want a child of my own right now. I guess in a way I'm still selfish with my time and enjoy not having to deal with doctor appointments and baby sitters and terrible twos and all that. The remarks I get sometimes as a 30 year old single, childless female are a bit much sometimes. "You aren't married?" or "Oh, we'll have to find you a nice guy" really grate my nerves sometimes. Not too long ago, our 5th grade class at school completed a DARE program where they had a "graduation" and being the school secretary, I see all of the kids during the day at some point or another and like to see them accomplish and complete things. I went to the graduation which was held in the school cafeteria and one of the lunch ladies who works in the cafeteria looked at me and said, "Why are you here? You aren't married and you don't have any kids!" and I was sort of taken aback. WTF? I can't come see these kids complete something that is important to them just b/c none of them are mine and I'm not married???

If you're a single or attached lady here on Specktra, how do you feel about "finding the one" or what is your stance on marriage and the biological clock and all the stuff that goes with it?? I know I'm not alone but I'd love to hear some other points of view!

 

[MissVanity]

i am a few years younger "24" but i can relate to what your saying. Im the only single girl left in my group of friends and they always want to *set me up with someone or try to help me find a boyfriend* they dont get that im perfectly happy being by myself, and if and when i do what a boyfriend i would much prefer to find him on my own as appose to being forced into an awkward date with someone you have no interest in.
And i dont see what is wrong with a girl being single, id much prefer it than being in a bad relationship with a complete arsehole that treats you like total shit! but i also think that its these bad relationships that help you learn the sorta sh*t you will and wont take.
i dont think there is only one Mr right/soulmate for everyone i think we have many soulmates at different times in our lives, well at least i like to think we do anyways, but there is so much pressure on us ladies to have kids, settle down and all the rest! my mum thinks because i dont have a bf or kids yet that I am never going too.
and how rude of that lunch lady to say that! you work up there and you would see those little kids grow up in front of you and you should be able to go and see something as big as their graduation thing without having to explain yourself too anyone! who cares if none of those kids were yours or if you weren't married you still spend so much time with them. And have every right to go and watch them!

 

[Funtabulous]

.....

 

[MACATTAK]

I'm almost 30, single, and without kids. Yes, sometimes I do miss the security of a relationship, but when I see others having relationship problems, I sit back and smile to myself because I'm glad it's not me. I don't smile because I'm glad they are going through issues, but because I've been in those situations and know the feelings that go along with it. I'd love to be married some day, but I'm also very happy on my own. There are things that I still need to accomplish, and I feel that a boyfriend, or husband, might make these things a little more difficult at this point in my life. Everyone always wants to put you in a box...you should have done this by such & such time in your life...bullshit.

I also plan on working with children in the future, and for me that's enough. I don't hear any biological clock ticking, and don't plan on having children, so I am thankful for that. Even if I never do get married, I plan to do the things that make me happy in this life, and always be happy with my situation. You should never feel selfish for not wanting to do things that aren't even a part of your life right now. That's the best time to be selfish! Enjoy where you are in your life right now! If you want other things, by all means go and get them. You don't owe anyone explanations about the choices you make.

 

[Simply Elegant]

I think you can be completely happy as a single female for life if that's what you want. If that's not what you want, you could be unhappy being single but I do think it's very possible to not want a soulmate.

I think a soulmate should add to your life, not take away stuff like happiness. They're meant to enrich your life and if you're always or usually unhappy with someone they're not right for you. I don't think there's a point waiting for them to change. And if you really want a significant other, they could be right under your nose but if you're with Mr Wrong Mr Right will never approach you or take up your advances, being the good guy he;s supposed to be.

I think I'm one of the lucky ones. We rarely argue and he makes me happy every day and I've never had that with anyone so strongly before. I was perfectly happy being single but when he came along, I didn't mind giving up the perks of being single because my life is better with him in it.

I think there can be a perfect person for anyone who really wants that companionship and doesn't feel like they're settling and looking for the next best thing.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

When people say to me, "Oh, a sweet girl like you needs a man so we'll find you somebody" it makes me smile and at the same time I want to just scream. My grandmother is one of the main ones and I finally told her that I'm not going to date or get into a relationship with someone just for the sake of "having a boyfriend". After all the experiences I've had, the next person who comes along is going to have to be pretty super fantastic and who is all those things to me that the above ^^ is for you. I've always had that problem in the past where I keep hanging on waiting for things to get better and I finally learned with the last relationship that after a certain point, you just have to let go and go on with your life b/c it's not working out for a reason and you can't force something to be good when it's not. I think I held on to the last guy months longer than I should have partly out of guilt and partly b/c I thought maybe I was "giving up" too fast. Since then I've realized that I 100% did the right thing and my current happiness proves that.

I actually happened to see this episode of Friends earlier where Chandler and Monica are finally married and Phoebe goes out on a date with a guy who she thinks could've been Monica's "soulmate" and Chandler is totally thrown off. Monica eventually tells him that she doesn't believe in soulmates and that she doesn't believe she and Chandler were destined to be together but just fell in love and work hard at their relationship. In some ways, I think that's the way to go. I don't know that I believe there's only one right person for me out there, especially if there can be so many WRONG people.

I do think, however, that I've been single now this long for a reason and that's for me to figure out what I REALLY want and for me not to just "settle" with the first person who happens to come along. Looking back, alot of my previous relationships moved too fast or happened too fast after another had ended so I know now to take my time, to really get to know the person and if it doesn't feel right not to feel badly about it. Stuff happens and things don't always work out the way you think they will. Being with a person in a relationship shouldn't be a piece of cake but neither should it be a total chore.

I'm really enjoying everyone's views so keep 'em coming!

 

[Simply Elegant]

Even soulmates have to work hard though I think when hard times come along. Being soulmates doesn't mean that you will never have problens, just that values, attitudes, personality, attractions, desires all mesh well or seem to coordinate. I'd say just keep living your life being happy and if a man comes along you're interested in, get to know him really well first. If you can't ever see him being a best friend, then it's probably safe to say he isn't the right guy for you to date either.

 

[kimmy]

you mentioned the idea of a perfect person versus someone who puts up with us the best. i'd label them both the same.

i'm a total asshole sometimes and i'm the first to admit that sometimes my temper gets the best of me and i get out of hand. my boyfriend takes most of it in stride. i know it upsets him, i know sometimes it hurts him. but he takes it, he puts up with my shit. he's perfect for me. i can't change the way i am, lord knows i've tried. i'm good deep down but what's seen on the outside sometimes will lead people to believe otherwise. he knows what and who i really am and he appreciates it. i guess he sees the silver lining and knows that enjoying the good is worth dealing with the bad.

i feel the same way about him. sometimes he will say things without thinking and i take them personally. i get upset, my claws come out. but i know at the end of the day, he didn't mean the way it came out. he does things that drive me nuts, but he's a good man. all of the little things in the world couldn't blind me to the prize he is. he's the only one for me, ever.

so, the person who can put up with you is, imho the perfect partner. there's always bumps...there's always going to be those little things. the one is someone who can set all those little things aside at the end of the day and love you for who you are deep down. someone very close to me told me that a relationship is hard work, and a person's lucky to find someone who will work as hard as they will.

i want to get married. i want kids. i want us to buy a house together (the one we're in now, he's bought on his own.) but i'm slowing my rush. i'd love to be married within the next year or so, hell i'd like to be married now. but i'm realizing we've got a road ahead of us and we've still got some things to work out before we get married and alot of things to work out before we have kids.

i don't feel any pressure to do these things, the only influence on me having kids i that i'd like to have them relatively young so that i can really enjoy them. my parents were 22/23 when they had my sister and 25 when they had me, and i like having young parents. everything i went through, they knew how to guide me because they'd been there not long before.

 

[obscuria]

The problem I find with most people is that they treat love and "the one" as a fix-all end-all solution to their lives. Where some of my past relationships have gone off the deep end is when the other person treats love and being committed to each other as a right and something they can possess rather than something that is given to them of my own volition and vice versa.

Where I see others go wrong is that they idealize "the one" way too much that they no longer put effort into a relationship. Relationships, of any kind, are work and I feel that some people at the slightest sign of a hardship just freak out and give up. This isn't to say you should stay with someone just to stay with someone, but at the same time you can't expect people to be perfect, just perfect enough for you.

As far as having kids goes, I just find it rather annoying that people who don't want to get married or have children are stigmatized as being strange, cold, or looking for an excuse to sleep around.

I myself, want neither. I don't want to get married because I don't feel that a title and a piece of paper means anything more than that, and that's fine if others do, I'm not dictating their lives. I am perfectly willing though to be involved in a committed relationship for the rest of my life with the right person. Also, because I don't want kids a lot of people think I'm cold. I like kids, but I feel that I am too selfish and impatient to deal with having children of my own. It's better and more responsible to know that you aren't suited for kids and not have them than to hear all these stories about people who obviously should not have kids.

 

[euphrosyne_rose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by obscuria The problem I find with most people is that they treat love and "the one" as a fix-all end-all solution to their lives. Where some of my past relationships have gone off the deep end is when the other person treats love and being committed to each other as a right and something they can possess rather than something that is given to them of my own volition and vice versa. Where I see others go wrong is that they idealize "the one" way too much that they no longer put effort into a relationship. Relationships, of any kind, are work and I feel that some people at the slightest sign of a hardship just freak out and give up. This isn't to say you should stay with someone just to stay with someone, but at the same time you can't expect people to be perfect, just perfect enough for you. As far as having kids goes, I just find it rather annoying that people who don't want to get married or have children are stigmatized as being strange, cold, or looking for an excuse to sleep around. I myself, want neither. I don't want to get married because I don't feel that a title and a piece of paper means anything more than that, and that's fine if others do, I'm not dictating their lives. I am perfectly willing though to be involved in a committed relationship for the rest of my life with the right person. Also, because I don't want kids a lot of people think I'm cold. I like kids, but I feel that I am too selfish and impatient to deal with having children of my own. It's better and more responsible to know that you aren't suited for kids and not have them than to hear all these stories about people who obviously should not have kids.

I totally agree with the above. I love kids and wouldn't work where I'm at if I didn't. It totally warms my heart to have them run up to me and hug me and get excited and yell "Miss Erin" when they see me. It totally melts me. But on the other hand, while I do think I'd be a great and responsible parent, I just don't feel like it's what's right for me. Anything is possible and one day that may change, but for now, I do feel like it's quite something to be honest enough to admit that "kids just aren't for me" and be ok with saying it out loud.

I also agree that the "OMG you don't want kids?" face makes me sometimes feel like I'm an alien from another planet. Or the "But you're so good with kids!". Just because I'm good with kids doesn't mean I'm ready to have one. The other thing I don't understand is people who stay together "b/c of the kids". Maybe it's b/c I've never been in that situation and don't have kids, but from what I've experienced within my own circle of family and friends is that staying together isn't necessarily the best choice and isn't it better for children to see their parents apart and happy than together and miserable? Kids notice those things and I would think seeing their parents happy far outweighs them being "together" and living together and fighting.

I view marriage as something that has to be something that feels right between two people. I'm all for it for the people who know that's what they want. It's possible one day I might want to get married as well and I'm confident that eventually I'll find that person who suits me best, as stated above.

Someone who will put up with my quirkiness would be awesome. Again, I guess b/c all of my last relationships were sort of duds I feel like I've become cynical about it all. I'm not saying that I had no fault in any of them but it was just a mutual breakdown. However, what I learned from the last one is that I want someone who wants me for ME. Not someone who constantly makes jokes about bringing other women home "just to see your reaction b/c it's funny" or who nags me about dyeing my hair blond and "a little exercise wouldn't hurt you" or who wants me to maybe get a different job b/c I would make more money or makes fun of me b/c I have a stomach condition that can be somewhat embarrassing at times. Who wants that?? I want someone who like above loves me for me and takes the good with the bad.

I totally agree that people get fixated on "the one" and I don't think there's just "the one" but "ones".

As the saying goes, "there are plenty of fish in the sea" and we just have to be lucky enough to find the ones that don't stink. One of my new friends said she though it was a matter of "finding the one who is least likely to seriously dent your emotional mentality" and I agree with that too.

 

[purrtykitty]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kimmy you mentioned the idea of a perfect person versus someone who puts up with us the best. i'd label them both the same.

I completely agree. I've always said, the perfect person is someone who can put up with your crap and you can put up with theirs.

I think relationships take a lot of hard work. My husband and I have been together for 13+ years and married for 5 1/2. There's been good times and bad times, and I know I frustrate the hell out of him, especially with my shopping habits. Likewise, there are things about him that frustrate me, but I love him in spite of all that. I can't explain why, either. But there's no other person I'd rather be with.

One of the things that frustrates me most (and drove me away from what I thought was my chosen career) is the absolute lack of respect for marriage. It seems to me that anymore, people don't want to put effort into their marriages, so they take the divorce route. Please don't think I'm bashing on divorce, because I'm not. Sometimes it is the right path. But, I think for many, times get a little hard, so they run and get a divorce, marry again, and when it doesn't work out, are surprised. It's because the deeper issues haven't been resolved.

Anyway, I know that was a long-winded diatribe in which I ultimately just want to say relationships are hard, and I think Monica (from Friends) is right.

 

[Meisje]

I have always been oblivious to pressure to get married and the biological clock. Neither was ever a priority in my life. When I was younger, I was definitely relationship-preoccupied, often at my own expense, but marriage or kids were never a goal or even a wish.

I was also not fussy about the idea of marriage because gay marriage was illegal in Canada at the time. I thought that was ridiculous, and it sullied the whole idea for me, because I believe in equal rights for all.

I am lucky to have a mother who pressured me about neither. I know that's rare and I cherish her even more because of it.

I did end up getting married, but it was definitely a surprise. I remember thinking I would probably marry him very soon after we got together, and the thought slightly paralyzed me, because unlike 99% of my peers, I'd never had a single daydream about weddings or marriage. From birth until age 26, marriage seemed kind of revolting. But suddenly, with him, the idea of marriage made sense and became really appealing.

I get uncomfortable when women talk about proposals and wedding plans with a big question mark on an imaginary groom that they haven't met yet. Because I don't think you should shape your life around a something that really should START with a relationship and find its way from there.

I'm not saying you shouldn't ever daydream about it, but firmly planning a wedding and children and house and life before the person even enters your life is kind of dooming yourself to dissatisfaction --- you've already got standards for a situation that might be totally out of your control. I hope you understand what I mean --- not that you can't have preferences and hopes, but don't lock yourself into a plan without considering that the person you marry might need you to life a completely different life than the ideal situation you've created in a daydream-vacuum.

I think that people should live their lives with goals and dreams, of course, but I think you should focus on what you can accomplish yourself and that a relationship should be a bonus, should it work out that way.

There's nothing wrong with being single. It's easier for humans to have a mate, and your life can often take really interesting and fulfilling turns because of your mate. But you can totally be happy alone... as long as you really do love yourself. That sounds so cheesy but nothing creates desperation to couple up like not being comfortable with who you are. That's from my own experience.

I really do think that self-love makes you more attractive to others, and that focusing on yourself makes it easier to fall in love.

 

[Meisje]

Quote:

Originally Posted by purrtykitty I think relationships take a lot of hard work. My husband and I have been together for 13+ years and married for 5 1/2. There's been good times and bad times, and I know I frustrate the hell out of him, especially with my shopping habits. Likewise, there are things about him that frustrate me, but I love him in spite of all that. I can't explain why, either. But there's no other person I'd rather be with.

I agree. I know my friends look at my relationship and think I have it easy, but it took some horrible growing pains to get here. It was worth it.

At this point, we honestly don't disagree much. And luckily neither of us is the type to say stuff out of anger just to hurt the other, for sad instant gratification. We talk things out like, well, like adults. There's nothing I hate more than couples who don't communicate. Complicated games and "are you upset?" and "no" with six hours of silence and slamming doors instead of just saying what's on your mind is so, so stupid. Like we tell kids when they want something: Use your words. Be polite. Tell the truth.

Also key in a great relationship is serenity: accept the things you can't change, change the things you can, and know when to shut the fuck up. Pick your battles, realize that you're not perfect either, and learn to love your partner despite qualities that make them imperfect. Some things about a person are not going to change, and if that's a small thing like leaving socks in a weird place then for heaven's sake --- let it go!