Is my Boyfriend embarrassed of me??!!!

[angeluv009]

Ok so this is my dilemma.... im not a good speller, so please just keep reading... i really need some advice and just don't know what to do anymore.

So my boyfriend had recently started working in a new bank downtown (like 9 months ago) and i always got the feeling that he was embarrassed of me. Whenever i would visit him at work he would make me wait outside, even if the bank was open and he usually used to let me come in and wait in his office. It always bothered me, but i just let it go. He wouldn't talk to me about his coworkers, while at his other branch he did and it just felt like he was trying to hide something... ME. The not letting me in the branch happened like 4 times or so and then i just let it go and concluded that he was embarrassed.

Oh yeah PS we've been together for like 8 years and i'm not unattractive. (I'm not 5'7 and blonde either... but whatever)

But this is why im writing this. Recently he's gotten another position within the same company in a higher-profile job. (for about a month now) He works with a bunch of females and he has his own cubicle. So he told me that he would take this picture of us to work and put it on his desk and he just hasn't. Its been like a month now and I've mentioned to him that he is embarrassed of me and he just denies it (not like i expect him to admit it) and i remind him about the picture and he just doesn't take it. So i stopped. He never wants to speak to me when his coworkers are around and that makes me feel like poopy-poo.
Oh gosh.... i don't know what to do....

I guess i should just meet other men... i do get a lot of attention from others, but i've got this standard thing.... he needs to have a college education, be funny and honest...

There is so much more i want to write about my bf, but i just cant go on...
Please guys, give me some advice.

Oh and im 22 if anyone wants to know

 

[SparklingWaves]

I would take it that he was wanting to appear available.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

It doesn't seem like he's embarrassed, it seems as though he doesn't even want people to know that you guys are together. It seems as if he doesn't want to look like he's unavailable to the girls in his office.

Screw him. Tell him to hit the road. You've been together EIGHT YEARS and he has the nerve to do something so silly to you? I'd talk to him about it, but it just seems fishy. Let him know how you feel. If things don't change, I'd be on my merry way.

 

[frocher]

I agree with Sparklingwaves, I think he wants to seem unattached.

 

[angeluv009]

I feel so stupid for not seeing it this way... Thank you guys so much! Keep it comming.

 

[lilMAClady]

As a woman you have a 6th sense about these things. If you have to question it you already know the answer. Tell him to hit the road (as before mentioned) and don't look back. He's wasting your time!! You'll feel better once you do!

 

[Beauty Mark]

Depending on how invested you are in him, you should talk to him. He definitely sounds like he's not treating you as well as he should.

 

[glassy girl]

If U Have Been With Him 8 Years U Should Feel Comfortable Enough To Talk To Him And How U Feel.I Don't Think He's Embarrassed He Would't Been With U For 8 Years If He Waz. He Just Want's To Give The Impression That He's Single. Don't Let Him Give U Self Esteem Issues It's Him Not U. Good LUCK

 

[wolfsong]

I havent slept, so this may jump around a bit:
It sounds to me like either he's a player, or he's having confidence issues (that his new job and attention from girls is bigging him up to the point that he wants to be viewed as available - like a mid-life crisis for relationships, or that he's feeling low/insecure and needs the validation that the female attention brings, which would happen less if you were in the picture. Lets face it, if you are in a office full of women and there is only one man working with you, they will seem to be more of a catch then they really are - i personally would remind him of this if it were me).

Whatever the reason (and dont blaim yourself - he's the one being an ass not you) you need to sit him down and talk to him honestly about this. 8 years of memories is a lot to throw away if you still love each other and can work this out. But on the other hand, you shouldnt stay with someone just because you have been with them for ages and have become complacent.
Personally i would want to find out if he has cheated or will cheat - is he shopping around or hiding something? It may be none of these things, but a relationship cant work on secrets and dishonesty - and do you even want it to continue at all? You seem to have decided to move on in the last few sentences, and if this is the case good luck and hopefully you will find someone who will be open and loving

 

[xIxSkyDancerxIx]

^^agree!

I wouldn't just leave. Try talking to him first and tell him how you feel and that you're being hurt by his attitude. If he does care he'll listen and try and work things out with you and if he continues to act like you two aren't together when you're there.. leave him. It's definitely easier said then done but you don't need to stick around for a guy that treats you that way. There are tons and tons of tastier fish out there, so go a-fishin' lol

 

[Honey B. Fly]

usually when theres a pack of girls and 1 guy anywhere, they'll flirt in lil ways on purpose just because they can. he prob likes any attention hes getting from them. maybe hes just a jerk or maybe u could try showering him with affection just to see if he changes?

my bf isnt perfect either but i think knowing hes ignoring me for other girls or just for 1 other girl even if she was just a friend or a co-worker is what would actually make me leave him.

 

[user79]

Hm well...I'm not sure. I know it may seem like he's trying to cheat or something, but it could be totally different. Some work places do not really look kindly on spouses or partners coming to visit the workplace, because it's not really that professional, especially at a bank. Maybe there are strict rules in the bank he works at now, and he doesn't want to get a bad rap with his boss? I mean, why are you visiting his branch 4 times to see him, especially if it's his new job? It's his place of employment, I think it should be kept separate from private life. He probably wants to make a good impression on his new boss, not look like he's wasting company time chatting with his gf.

I'm not saying you can't see him, but personally, I would only go to my bf's place of work if it was an official function where partners are invited, or if it was an emergency situation. I would never just drop in to say hi, for me that's unprofessional and I want him to do well at his job and be able to focus on it. Actually, I've never even been to my bf's place of work. Maybe his new place of employment has strict rules about spouses visiting, maybe a coworker had his wife come around all the time and cause problems, you never know. For me, work and private life are best kept separate.

Although I have to say that the picture thing is a bit weird, what is his reasoning that he gives you? What does he say about why he wants you to wait outside? Does he have some explanation for it?

I'm just offering a different opinion, and maybe not jump to conclusions right away. I wouldn't dump him over this, it could just be a lack of communication, so I would ask him about what the reasons are for his behaviour.

 

[saspearia]

Hi

Sorry I don't post very often but I have to agree with MissChievious, sometimes because Men are so poor at communication, or because they are trying to avoid conflict, we over analyse and assume the worse.
Perhaps you could ask your partner to invite some of his work friends over for dinner or suggest going out for drinks with colleagues and their partners?

Once you meet them you will probably see that they are all hooked up themselves but just take their work very seriously.

Sas

 

[*Stargazer*]

You're 22 and you guys have been together for 8 years? Straight through or with breaks from each other? Since you were 14?

I think those might be points to consider. Meaning that anyone who has been in a relationship for SO many of their really formative years might be wondering what life outside that relationship is like.

 

[Ms. Z]

Sorry he's made you feel this way, he's a jerk! Like many of the others have said, he wants to look totally single (or may be interested in someone in his office). It's time to kick him to the curb.

 

[*KT*]

Quote:

Originally Posted by *Stargazer* You're 22 and you guys have been together for 8 years? Straight through or with breaks from each other? Since you were 14? I think those might be points to consider. Meaning that anyone who has been in a relationship for SO many of their really formative years might be wondering what life outside that relationship is like.

That's what I was thinking when I read 8 years at the age of 22 too. My brother married his high school sweetheart (he's now 29), but this doesn't work for every couple. His actions appear to me like he's trying to look available, especially if he doesn't talk about his coworkers or has ushered you right out of there when you've met up at work.

I would really want to sit him down and tell him I need some honest answers about why he doesn't want to bring the picture in and why he acts so strange when his co-workers are around.

After 8 years, you deserve an honest answer. If he's looking for someone new he can't expect you just to sit home and be his backup plan!

 

[angeluv009]

I really want to thank everyone for taking their time and reading about my personal issues. I really do appreciate from the bottom of my heart and I really did need insight into this.

KT and STARGAZER, We have been together from when right before I turned 15 to about 17 and then we broke up for a while like a year and a half. I dated a few guys and then had a serious relashionship with one guy (which lasted nearly a year) and then my boyfriend and I got back together.

Again thank everyone so much for responding to me. It means so much! i just can't thank you enough!

 

[CaraAmericana]

Mail the picture to his attn at the bank in a box! lol

Good Luck to you though hun. I agree with everyone here. My first thought was, cheating bastard = ) But Miss C. makes excellent possibilities too. But then why doesn't he just say, stay away I am trying to be professional.
I think at this point you need to ask yourself-What do you want? Because you are not hearing what you need and he isn't telling what he needs to.
Eight years is long time but most of them were while you were young sooo IDK. Don't take my word on anything though I suck with men.

 

[angeluv009]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MissChievous Hm well...I'm not sure. I know it may seem like he's trying to cheat or something, but it could be totally different. Some work places do not really look kindly on spouses or partners coming to visit the workplace, because it's not really that professional, especially at a bank. Maybe there are strict rules in the bank he works at now, and he doesn't want to get a bad rap with his boss? I mean, why are you visiting his branch 4 times to see him, especially if it's his new job? It's his place of employment, I think it should be kept separate from private life. He probably wants to make a good impression on his new boss, not look like he's wasting company time chatting with his gf. I'm not saying you can't see him, but personally, I would only go to my bf's place of work if it was an official function where partners are invited, or if it was an emergency situation. I would never just drop in to say hi, for me that's unprofessional and I want him to do well at his job and be able to focus on it. Actually, I've never even been to my bf's place of work. Maybe his new place of employment has strict rules about spouses visiting, maybe a coworker had his wife come around all the time and cause problems, you never know. For me, work and private life are best kept separate. Although I have to say that the picture thing is a bit weird, what is his reasoning that he gives you? What does he say about why he wants you to wait outside? Does he have some explanation for it? I'm just offering a different opinion, and maybe not jump to conclusions right away. I wouldn't dump him over this, it could just be a lack of communication, so I would ask him about what the reasons are for his behaviour.

First I would really like to say thank you. You are one of my favorite posters on Specktra, especially the wedding look that you did a tutorial for.

Also I strongly agree that at some jobs it is inappropriate for a girlfriend to visit in order to maintain a professional appearance. Yet, this job was not like that.
Ok so now I know that his older job was not a very professional atmosphere (The one he had for about 8 months). He would tell me all the time about how he would hangout, literally, with his coworker’s boyfriend while at work. He would just sit around and joke and goof off for most of the day with his coworkers and whoever, and he would tell me this.
I however wouldn’t go to his branch just to say hello. Like I said before, if your work place is very professional then I wouldn’t invade that space. We live in NYC and most of the after work and happy hour spots are downtown, not far from his job so we would meet at his job and go wherever. At his previous job he would let me in his branch, even if it was closed and let me wait the 10 or 20 minutes b4 he could leave and he introduced me to everyone. At the second job he didn’t. I would come to his branch b4 closing (b/c that’s when he would tell me to come and people were still allowed inside) and he would just tell me to wait outside even if it was freeeeeezing cold. And there is no explanation….
Now I’ve gone to his job about 4 times in 8 months b/c those 4 times would be our ‘date nights’ when we actually went out.
Now his mother and his sister have visited his job just to say ‘hi’, but I never have. I just got the feeling that he never wanted me to, so I didn’t want to force myself into a situation in which I was not welcome… so I never did. But I did tell him how I felt and he would be like ‘oh yeah come, I don’t care’… but if I was downtown for another reason and would say I would drop in, he would come up with some excuse or he would just meet me outside.
Now at his new job (the one he has had for about a month now) I would never visit him b/c I know that it wouldn’t be professional and it would look badly upon him. Yet I still feel like he is trying to hide the fact that he has a girlfriend… I don’t know…

I really do want to thank you a lot for taking the time to write something like this to me. It really means so much to me. MUAHHHHZ

 

[pnayluvs1]

Personally I've visited my BF's current and previous jobs. He let's me know if it's okay to visit or not. I understand some places do not allow visitors, but I don't see why you wouldn't be allowed in if you were picking him up after work or on a lunch break.

I trend to bounce things off my BF a lot. I briefly told him about your situation. Without telling him my opinion or anything anyone else had said on here, he came to the same conclusion.

From my BF's point of view, he also thinks your BF is hiding the fact that he is in a commited relationship. I say do like one of the other gal said, mail your BF the picture plus some!! When he gets home and questions you about it, you can really get to talk to him about it.