It may sound repetative, but I need advice! Boyfriend help, please?!?

[anjecakes]

I'll try to keep this as short as possible:

I'm 21. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over 3 years. We met in high school, and started dating on our final year. A little under a year of being together, things got rough for me, and I ended up moving in with him and his parents. At first, things were GREAT because we just wanted to be around eachother all the time. Obviously, you ladies know that things change, and "the honeymoon" was coming to an end.

He always complains that I don't give him enough space to hang out with his buddies. But, it's a little hard because we have mutual friends. (They were his friends first, but still. I don't have [barely any] girlfriends!) But, I try. I really do! And, I always complain that he's not thoughtful enough. Not even a compliment.

Anyway, we still get along (most of the time). We still love and care for eachother. But, lately things have been harder than usual.

I am his FIRST girlfriend. I am his FIRST everything. EVERYTHING. I, on the other hand, have been in plenty of relationships, physical and emotional. So, I KNOW WHAT I WANT.

He is everything I want. BUT, there are some things that I wish that I could change. But, I know that if you love someone, you love them WITH their flaws and all. Because so much time has passed it seems as if he doesn't have a reason to really try anymore. He isn't sweet or thoughtful. On my birthday, all I really wanted was a card. Instead, what I got was one of the biggest arguements we have EVER had! It just seems as if everything that's supposed to be good for us ends up being so shitty (not all the time). We argue a lot. I cry a lot (because I'm an emotional person), and he gets mad that I get upset, and I wish he was more comforting. Like I said, I wouldn't want to change him as a person because he's a WONDERFUL guy! I couldn't see my life without him. I guess I just would want to change some traits.

I don't even know what the issue is anymore. My happiness is off and on. I sometimes feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster because I don't know if he still wants me, or if he's with me because he's too scared to hurt my feelings. Or, maybe I'm overanalyzing everything like I do a lot of the time.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!! Help me!

 

[babiid0llox]

Hey hun,

maybe try socializing with other people more, especially girls? What do you like to do (obviously have a love of makeup)....do you work as you've just left highschool? Try and have a couple of friends, maybe even just one, separate from your mutual friends. Maybe take part in some sort of group activities, I know this sounds lame but it's worth a try. In doing that you're not always together, yet you're still having a good time. It would create the much needed space the BOTH of you need, especially as your at an age where you may be leaning towards being more independent?

I think that the fact he didn't even give you a card for your birthday is terrible, but you shouldn't hold it over his head for too long. It'll just come between you guys. Maybe explain to him, like actually explain to him how that made you feel, but don't use 'blame' words. He might not even notice how his actions are making you feel and if you're constantly nagging him (not saying that you are) he might push you away further.

Also maybe surprise him a bit, like do something special for him and see how he responds. Sorry it's a bit hard trying to give advice over the internet, especially if I don't know the full situation. But yeah, hope that helps

Lots of love to you

 

[NutMeg]

One thing I've found helpful in talking to guys in general. Don't tell him that he's not doing X enough, or that he's somehow causing you pain or problems. If you have a need for X, put it more this way. "Honey, I need X to happen more. I'm not saying you aren't making me happy, or that I don't want you/this, I just need whatever it is more. Can we come up with a way for me to feel better and you to not feel pressured or weird?" If you put it more as problem that he can help you solve, he'll probably take it better. Just my .02.

I hope things start to look up for you.

 

[Brittni]

You need to tell him how you feel. be completely honest. Communication is what makes or breaks a relationship!

 

[kaexbabey]

i feel the same way about my husband sometimes. we met in high school, started dating october of our junior year and have been together since. we had a baby 3 weeks after our 2nd year anniversary, and are pregnant with our 2nd. we're 19 and 20 now. yuppp .. i agree with babiidoll..you should try and do your own thing with other people. or he can go out with certain ppl, and you can go out with other ppl from the same group of friends one day or another. i guess it'll help you to kind of "miss each other". or you can both just do your own thing w/o having to go out with other people. it's hard for me to do my own thing with my friends because 1) i have to watch our daughter, and 2) we moved because of the army so i dont really know that many people anyways, and all i really have to hang out with is my husband. sometimes we'll just do our own thing in the house wether he's online or i'm watching tv in another room and it's enough "alone time from each other" since we don't know the area as much as we know our hometown.

also, i agree with what she said about you doing something sweet for him too. my husband hasn't been doing the sweet surprises as often as he used to, but there's always birthdays, anniversaries, and christmas of course. he does let me haul pretty often so i guess that's equivalent to his sweet surprises that he used to be able to do when we weren't married lol. i asked him why he doesn't surprise me as much anymore, and of course he's busy with work and he said, "since you think about it so much, why dont you do it for me?" so guys must want to be surprised with sweet things once in a while like what we expect too.

hope that helped a little, and good luck.

 

[macmistress]

Hey girl, You need to sit down and have a loooong chat with him. See where your both going in life. IMO both of you are still young. You need to ask him seriously..where do you stand in his life? Does he love you anymore? Is it something you have done? Tell him what you have told us be more open. And don't nag too much. Not saying that you are, but when you dont act clingy and play hard to get, thats when the men realise they missing something or someone very important, they always come bac to you at then end..

 

[Kalico]

It sounds like you need to distance yourself a bit. When I get clingy I know I need to step back and regroup and compose myself. Go hang out with friends (without him), focus on school or work or whatever you have going on in your life. Focus on your hobbies. Pulling back away from him a little will make him come to you. Nagging (I know, that sounds awful... we all do it though at one time or another) only chases guys off. If you pull back he'll want to come to you and woo you, I promise.

Also, you can't ask for guys to do anything. You kind of need to train them into doing it. Lay on the appreciation when they do what you want them to do. Like, if you don't feel like cooking, say their cooking is better than your own mothers and it's the best you've ever had etc etc etc. (I am lazy when it comes to cooking. I would die if my bf ever read what I'm typing... omg lol)

I don't suggest talking. Guys don't respond well to that. He'll feel overwhelmed and suffocated. I'm a girl, I've been on the receiving end of it (the "you're not romantic enough for me..." stuff) and it never works. You want them to do it because they feel like it, not that they're doing it because they feel like they have to. That won't make you happy.

 

[anjecakes]

Thank you ladies for the advice.

I'm at work 5 days a week for AT LEAST 7 hours a day. When we're at home, he's on his computer, and I'm on mine. Then at night, that's when we watch TV together until we go to bed. That's the jist of how our day goes. On my days off, I usually hang out with his cousin during the day, and at night it's the same routine (computer, then TV). We converse. We tell eachother about our days.

But, from what I have read, Kalico explained my situation better than I did. That's exactly what's going on. But, I feel as if I can't do anything to fix or change it. I don't know how to "take a step back" because I feel like I have no where to go. In order to hang out with friends, I need to make new ones. I have 2-3 girlfriends. Aside from that, nada. I'm not in school right now, so I can't meet new friends through there. I don't really go clubbing, and when I do, it's with the boyfriend and our mutual friends. It's soooo difficult. I'm just glad that I'm working because that's giving us much needed space from one another! At one point, we were living together, working together, AND going to school together. Thank God (not in a bad way) that it's not like that anymore.

I don't want to talk because we have had this talk before. Nothing really changes. It just pisses him off. It's not because we can't communicate, but it does come off as me nagging. I want him to do nice things because he wants to. I want him to still SHOW he cares (I know he cares) like he used to. Maybe I'm asking for too much. Maybe I'm not appreciating what matters most.

But, if there's always room for improvement in the both of us, so if we can be the best partners to one another, then why not? So, I will come up with a plan to make this work for the both of us!

I'll keep you ladies updated!

THANKS A BUNCH!