Ladies .... :(

[user46]

So. As you guys know, my boyfriend and I had like this huge fight 2 weeks ago. And we were like perfectly fine. Up until about yesterday.
We had a little argument. I don't even know what it started out over. Basically, he's mad at me that I don't trust him. and it's not so much that I don't trust him, but i'm just insecure and i don't know how to deal with my emotions. I've always been this girl with an attitude for as long as I can remember. I mean ... idk. I just have an attitude sometimes, lol. And sometimes I just take it out on him and i make insecure comments and i just say things that are uncalled for. And seeing as we had this big fight 2 weeks ago, I need to just tone it down. But i can't help but think ... what if he leaves me tomorrow. What if it doesn't work.
I have this fairytale version of how a man should show a woman he cares, and I know it's far from the truth. This being my first real relationship, I don't know how to deal with it. You would think after 2 years I would know what a REAL relationship entails. But I still don't. I still don't know how to be the woman in the relationship, and I know he doesn't know how to be the man. It feels like we're just chugging along and taking it how it comes. I also feel like sometimes I try too hard. I tell him I love him all the time, I tell him how happy I am to be with him ... all the things i'd be so happy about if he said it to me. But it's like ... he just says "i love you too" back. I think I want too much..but sometimes it's nice to hear a little something more. I just don't even know what the point of this thread is. I just can't feel normal anymore about this. I feel like i'm messing everything up ...













Being a romantic ... sucks.

 

[Simply Elegant]

You don't have to try to fill a certain "woman" role of the relationship. Just be yourself and that's all you can do. When you get mad, you can just tell him that you need a bit of time to cool off but you need to talk about things with him when you're both more relaxed and won't say hurtful things without thinking the consequences about them a bit. I really would not worry about the what ifs because they don't help the problem at all and you can never be sure. Be direct and ask what he's thinking instead of worrying about it to yourself. You have to tell him what you need and if he says he can't do that, then you need to reevaluate your relationship to see how important it is. Did you guys actually forgive each other or did you just say that to get it over with? Small fights usually seem to happen because of passive aggressiveness like that over bigger issues.

 

[user46]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Simply Elegant You don't have to try to fill a certain "woman" role of the relationship. Just be yourself and that's all you can do. When you get mad, you can just tell him that you need a bit of time to cool off but you need to talk about things with him when you're both more relaxed and won't say hurtful things without thinking the consequences about them a bit. I really would not worry about the what ifs because they don't help the problem at all and you can never be sure. Be direct and ask what he's thinking instead of worrying about it to yourself. You have to tell him what you need and if he says he can't do that, then you need to reevaluate your relationship to see how important it is. Did you guys actually forgive each other or did you just say that to get it over with? Small fights usually seem to happen because of passive aggressiveness like that over bigger issues.

He told me that "I just need to trust him, because if I trust him then i won't be insecure"
I'm still on the fence, but thats because I want too much out of him. It's like okay ... you finally started doing this, now i need this. I know he'll never be perfect and neither will I, but I don't know how to make it better. And because we just had that fight a couple weeks ago, I feel like I just opened the same wound...making it harder for us to heal as a couple and progress.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Maybe you guys just need some time apart for awhile, maybe a break. I don't think you're going to be able to work on your issues while you're around him. You're not going to magically become secure, you know? I think some time away could be good for the both of you, give you time to reevaluate your relationship to decide if it's what you both want. It's your first real relationship and you sound young, so honestly you might just need some time to grow up without being attached to this other person. Just my two cents.

 

[Amber*Christine]

Yeah, I agree w/ Erica, a break seems best. It'll give you two some time apart were you can concentrate on the issues in your relationship, really think things through, decide if w/ him is truly were you wanna be in life right now. I was in a similar situation once, I wasn't insecure, but the part were you say "it feels like were just chugging along and taking it how it comes" hit close to home about how I felt then. Back then I couldn't imagine not being w/ him, but I guess in reality I was just attached and used to having him there that's why I felt I needed him, but really all those issues we had...well if it was real real love, they wouldn't have been there. I remember making bitchy lil comments to him too all the time and now when I look back on it, I realize that maybe subconciously I was acting that way cause I was unhappy and resented him and our relationship, not cause I had an attitude problem. If your ex can't give you what you need, even after discussing it w/ him, well maybe he's not the one, as harsh as that may sound. Maybe he could be, someday after growing up a bit, who knows. Our first major relationships when we are young are always torture, I guess cause we're meant to learn and grow from them. Even though you love him, there will be other men out there who can give you all the things you need w/o leaving you wanting more. I realize that now.

 

[user46]

I am pretty young. 20... and we've been going out since before I was 17. I'm just stuck in this mentality like okay, if we need to grow ... it'll be together. I know first relationships suck and you'll get over it, but it's like I don't wanna be over it. We have our problems, but it's hard to evaluate if certain problems are breakup-worthy or just the regular motions of being in a relationship. We're fine now. Like we're over the little argument, but I don't want to feel like me saying something to him about something he needs to change is me starting problems again. Because me saying something ... in a NOT nagging way, should not be a bad thing. I don't want to change him, I just want him to sit back and realize what he has. If we were to break up or take a break, it'll be hard on the both of us. I don't even know anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I should just take it as it comes also ... lol.

 

[NutMeg]

You shouldn't have to worry so much about how you interact with each other. You should be able to just be yourself, and hopefully that works. Not to say that it should be easy, but I don't want to have to worry how my bf is going to take everything I say. If we're talking about something serious, yes I will be careful with my words. But 90% of the time I want to just be myself.

Problems come up and they have to be worked through, but it sounds like you're always on edge and that isn't good.

 

[User93]

Girl, I dont know how to help you much, but I understand, and I'm pretty much like that aswell! I am VERY insecure, always afraid of my bf leaving me, dumping me etc, always nerveous (Meg knows lol ^^)... He says I'm silly, and honestly, I don't know how he stands me sometimes! So from being in the same boat I can tell you - well, nothing can help unless trusting him. Cause if he wants to hide something, he will find a way anyways. Try to worry less, no one mants an emo girlfriend. I completely admit being absolutely pathetic sometimes when I just cry and worry.

If you dont feel happy in the relationship, then leave, or take a brake. But if you are, and it's all about this fears, try to let it go and just trust your man!

 

[mizuki~]

I know exactly what you're talking about. Especially with the fairytale about how a the man is supposed to be some sort of super prince charming that truly understands and cares and then the boyfriend disappoints because he's not like how you wish it'd be (or even close).
You just really need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Most guys are pretty clueless about how a girl is really feeling and as much as you wish he'd just KNOW, he doesn't. You have to tell him. I've been through it myself recently and I talked to my BF and now everything is frickin' fantastic. Sure..it's not exactly like the fairytale I've always wanted..but it's still awesome.

 

[MissResha]

this may seem harsh, but trust me i'm not trying to be harsh, just giving you some pointers based on what i've seen and experienced thru-out my life (i'm 28 btw)

if you're that insecure. you need to be alone until you get your own personal issues squared away. not until you can be with someone and not have to "worry" about anything, should u be someones girlfriend. i understand you want someone (everyone does), but you need to focus on your own issues first. why subject someone to that? think about it this way, lets say your boyfriend had some sort of addiction that was threatening your relationship...i'm sure you'd stay for a while, but when you see that it's not getting better or anything, you'll probably leave. well, if you continue to come at your boyfriend with that insecurity stuff, he's going to end up leaving because he's gonna flat out say to himself "i dont have time for this bullshit". i'm not trying to threaten you and say "oh he's gonna leave, he's gonna leave", all i'm saying is, people have breaking points, and they eventually get sick of stuff when they dont see any improvements. so if i were you, and it's easier said than done, i'd SERIOUSLY get help. and once i'm all better, then i'd go boyfriend-shopping.

i thankfully never had insecurity problems, i always thought if you don't love me for me, then screw you. your loss lol. thats just how i see things. my current boyfriend, i love him to death, and we'll probably tie the knot...and while i love him..i dont NEED him. like, i can live without him. i was taught to take care of myself and love me for me, and you need to do the same. you dont need a man to define who you are. even if your boyfriend cheats on you, yes it fucking hurts, but it's not the end of the world. never give anyone SO much power that if they hurt you, it'll ruin you. never. its' ok to trust. you have to be able to trust, but never put anything past anyone. thats how a lot of ppl get really hurt. they put too much into someone, and then they get let down. you gotta stand on your own 2 feet. love is great. its a beautiful thing. but get some help before you ruin your own relationship. ask yourself "why do i want a boyfriend", "do i NEED a boyfriend". for me, relationships have just fallen into my lap. i never forced one. i never looked for one. i just lived my life and met some amazing ppl along the way.

you're pretty young though, so this could all just be handled with proper maturing and going thru the motions. sometimes you have to get your heart broken in order to grow up and deal with it later on in life. because it will happen again. but never let it destroy you.

 

[iio]

You shouldn't worry so much about the future and the whole fairy tale thing. I know we all want that but to be realistic not all men can be that Prince charming. As for your boyfriend...if he is telling you to trust him then trust him. Dont let your insecurities take over the relationship. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend about how he feels about being in a relationship...learn more about him you know? See...I would fight with my bf because he wouldnt show me the affection that I wanted or he just wouldnt show me affection at all. I felt that he only wanted to kiss me and hug me whenever he wanted to...but that was all in my head. I was being insecure. And when I talked to him about it, he just said that he just sucks at relationships. He doesnt do things intentionally to hurt me but if I just pointed them out to him he would think about what my needs are and try to make things better.

Maybe your bf isn't the romantic type...mine isnt either (well sometimes he can be but not as much as I want him to be) but I still love him. Dont let your insecurities get to you. Just take it slowly. Talk to him about it. Ask him how he feels about all that romantic stuff...maybe he has a different way of showing affection.

 

[User93]

Girls lets be realistic we aint princesses aswell, bringing them cold bear to bed every morning! Men have their visions of ideals aswell

^^ With this MEANINGFUL post 10 minutes ago I wanted to say that we all have very personal and very subjective visions of "perfection" but it shouldnt make you feel like thats the only way! There is a quote saying "If someone just doesnt love you the way you want it, it doesnt mean the person doesnt love you"

 

[user46]

I know that there is no such thing as a fairy tale relationship. But I have these certain ideas of how a boyfriend and girlfriend should be in the relationship, so when things arent going according to my head ... i just get mad. But yea, I'd be good for a while, and then I'd just start saying little comments and being insecure again. It's like I only feel like i'm progressing if I havent done it for a long time ... so I start doing good and then I bring myself right down the square 1 by saying something that I know might cause a fight. I don't want to end my own relationship. And I know you guys are right about the 'you learn and move on" to a new relationship type thing...but it hurts to think that. like it does. I know we love each other. I know he doesn't show affection a lot, but sometimes when you're having your day, you just wanna be catered to. You just want to be given that random gift or card like once every 3 months or whatever ... like not a huge gift, but just something showing that he cares, you know? like a "oh, i was here and i know you like starburst, so i bought you a pack" gift. or a random "i love you".
like i love random LITTLE things like that. But yeaa ... i don't wanna sabotage my own relationship, and I know that i need to let him live his life too. We can still be together, but I need to let him do him sometimes without the fear that he's doing me wrong in the process.

 

[lafemmenoir]

I'm going to give it to you as simple as I can based on your post...GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD!! Take things one day at a time and put your expectations out of your mind because life isn't about following a script nor are relationships. You are setting this relationship up to fail if you have a preconceived notion of who plays what role. Directing a relationship based on suggestions from Hallmark, television, books et al, is really unrealistic at best. It sounds like your insecurities are driving a wedge in your relationship. Don't sabotage yourself, get someone (friend, counselor, journal) to talk to and spend more time on you so you aren't so consumed with him. Men will tend to get tense when they feel pressure to conform. You have to love him for who he is just as you would want him to accept you for you and not as Angelina, Jennifer, Pam, Andriana, or whomever his "ideal" fantasy is. Men know the difference between reality and fantasy.

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* I know he doesn't show affection a lot, but sometimes when you're having your day, you just wanna be catered to. You just want to be given that random gift or card like once every 3 months or whatever ... like not a huge gift, but just something showing that he cares, you know? like a "oh, i was here and i know you like starburst, so i bought you a pack" gift. or a random "i love you". like i love random LITTLE things like that. But yeaa ... i don't wanna sabotage my own relationship, and I know that i need to let him live his life too. We can still be together, but I need to let him do him sometimes without the fear that he's doing me wrong in the process.

You want/need this. He isn't providing it. You can: 1) ask him to change or 2) let it go. If you've done 1) and nothing happened, and can't do 2) then you need to decide if this is good for you.

It is not your fault for wanting those things. It is not his fault for not providing them. Sometimes people are just incompatible.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by NutMeg It is not your fault for wanting those things. It is not his fault for not providing them. Sometimes people are just incompatible.

Absolutely.
I've found sometimes no matter how much you care about someone, you just aren't compatible.
And while that can be ok for awhile, I don't think it works out for the long term, unless you want to stay unhappy.

 

[kaliraksha]

Although I do believe that shock treatment is probably the most effective, it may not be the most realistic for you. Shock treatment would be taking the break and working on you first. What I think you should try and explore as a last option before you should be on your own, is to be on your own but in a relationship.

Be your own person entirely! Do what you want, take up interests and hobbies that will boost your self-esteem and self-worth. Don't sit around waiting for him to have free time, don't hang out with just his friends, don't feel like "he doesn't care" because he's playing a video game- instead tell yourself "Wow, I don't care about me" and get up and do something you enjoy. I would try this first for a few reasons, A) it might prevent the need to breakup, B) when you are your own person with your own sense of self-worth your insecurities are calmed, C) he will take more interest in you and be happy that you have time for him and possibly see that time as more valuable and maybe become more romantic, D) if it does come down to a breakup at least you won't be completely lost, you will have hobbies, activities, other friends, etc.

I would definitely talk to him about this before you do it to explain that you are going to take more time for yourself for you.

Always love yourself before you love him. Also, I speak from experience... as a girl looking for romance who moved in with her boyfriend and had her own ideas of what that would be like. I had to find a new approach, I knew I had problems when I was disappointed when he came home late and it wasn't "he-was-late-to-stop-buy-and-get-me-flowers" or I went grocery shopping and bought him all his favorite foods but too little of mine.

Finding a better sense of worth and self esteem has made me a stronger person, a more interesting person, and someone that he doesn't take for granted because he knows I don't need him.

 

[user46]

I have so much more to say, but I find it pointless to post in this thread. I mean i don't think there's anymore advice that anyone can give me that I don't already know. I know what I NEED to do, but I know that what I NEED to do is what I WON'T do. And it's so sad that I feel like I need this guy, it's so sad that I have to wait for something HUGE to happen in order for me to actually leave. And it's degrading to myself that I would rather stick around and not be 100% happy. But guys really, this feeling is taking over me to the point where it's like, I want him. He's MINE. He's MY boyfriend. Our two year anniversary is coming up on New Years Day and I don't know how to feel about it. I believe that just because the initial "fire" is gone, we shouldn't stop doing things that make each other happy. We're SO young. SO young. And i'm trying to justify our relationships with my beliefs in high school sweethearts. I'm realizing now that isn't for everyone. He's going to think all the things that he does about me .. regardless. Being totally good won't change his mind, because as soon as I slip up ONCE ... he starts calling me everything that he did before.


Thank you for all the advice, guys, but I don't think I can be helped

 

[user46]

And merry christmas everyone

 

[Amber*Christine]

Merry Christmas sweetie. Just have fatih that everything will get better and work itself out for the best in the end.