Moving in with the Beau [Or not].

[PolyphonicLove]

Okay, so...my Beau [Jerry] and I are supposed to be moving in together next year, but because of his family, I don't know if that will happen. Er...allow me to elaborate.

Jerry's parents don't know how to manage money. When he isn't picking up slack for the rent, he's paying bills. His father was laid off a few months ago, but he didn't even bother to look for a job - Jerry was doing the job hunting for him. And every time Jerry got him an interview, it would just go downhill, because he doesn't have a high school diploma. Jerry's mum works with him at Kroger, but she makes less than him. Because of this, my Beau is in the process of looking for a second job.

Thing is, he can only do so much. The situation causes him so much stress, and he carries a lot of the responsibilities on his shoulders. Along with hunting for a second job, he works overtime, so he's lucky to get two days off in one week. He usually ends up giving them his entire check, and he's then left with no money to spend on himself. He won't even get his car fixed, because once that happens, they'll take it and claim it as their own [and that's coming from his own mouth].

Right now, I'm looking for a new job, because I want to be able to help my fiance pay bills once we're out on our own. I've already been VERY vocal to him about my feelings towards his parents, and that I won't tolerate paying their dues - we're going to have our OWN bills and rent to pay! How can we handle our business and theirs?

He realize this, but his main problem is his sister. She's only seven, and doesn't want her to go without a home once he's gone. And if he doesn't help out, then all his parents will do is mooch off of his grandparents. [once again, this comes from his own mouth]. Because of this, Beau says that we may have to wait longer than a year to move in together.

I am fed up. I'm not about to put my life on hold because of his parents. How the hell can I get through to him?

 

[Divinity]

Tricky...I see the concern for the little one. It doesn't sound like his parents really know what it is to be without because they have always had him or your grandparents to fall back on. Not knowing them, but thinking the best of people, I would like to hope that they would never not give the little one what she needs because of their bad habits. But we don't know and I understand Beau and the grandparents don't want to take that chance. But the best way for these two to learn may be to cut them off - both Beau and grandparents and see what happens for a week or two. If the little one is not being cared for, you go from there. BEST of luck honey!

 

[PolyphonicLove]

I won't go so far as to say that they're that horrible - though there was a time when they made him break up with me due to my race - but he even acknowledges his parents ways in his cPanel:

Quote:

It's funny how a freak occurrence makes you think so hard about your own life. Can I make ends meet? I have a father who has no intention of getting a job, a Mother who makes no money at all where I work, and me, who could get a decent job wherever I want, but I stay where I am just because I think it's fun. I could have my own place right now, but me leaving means that my sister may not have a home. Not only that, but we have more bills than we can pay. AND my parents smoke, drink, and eat fast food. How can you do such things if you can't afford them?

I'm concerned for his sister as well, but christ, something's got to give! None of that is his responsibility! I'm at wit's end. Even my own mom is concerned about him paying his family's bills, wondering why his dad won't just get his GED to help make ends meet.

 

[MiCHiE]

Good Lord, this sounds like an episode of Good Times.

Quote:

Because of this, Beau says that we may have to wait longer than a year to move in together.

What's going to happen in a year that's not already happening? Are they miraculously going to get off their asses and help their own cause?

 

[iluffyew769769]

When you choose to be with him that includes his family. If he cares about them enough to take care of them then he is obviously a family man. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you have to choose him and his family, or neither.

I hope you are happy in what ever you choose.

 

[NicksWifey]

I feel for you & your situation. I've found myself in a similar situation with my fiance before, especially the part about him paying his family's bills. The only way that I've found to try and resolve the issue, is just by talking about it, loud & clear. Even if it may hurt him, you definitely need to tell him how you feel. You don't want to move in and things STILL be like this. It's not fair to him or you to have to put up with that crap. Don't be afraid to have a heart-to-heart with him over it. It's the only way that you can assure y'alls future will be stress free/
Hugs to you!

 

[pumpkincat210]

Really tough, things are a year off though so i wouldn't panic yet. You also have to realize though that you can't make him choose between his family and you, especially since he feels responsible for his little sister. It's really sad that he is taking care of them, but at least you know he is trying to be a good person. I know it sounds weird but he is actually being really responsible by supporting his whole family and putting off living with you. He knows that you can take care of yourself. If it's real love it will wait if it has to. Can his parents get on welfare or something until they decide to get back on the right path?
You are going to have to talk with him on the issue and let him know that although well meaning he doesn't have to spend his entire paycheck on them. You might have him chat with his grandparents and let them know his concern for his sister. Maybe she could go live with them? I know nobody wants to put that burden on them, but living in a house of lazy people that sound like they drink and smoke too much is no place to raise a child. I know you both are young and shouldn't have to have the difficult task of picking up and raising a 7-8 year old either. Since your boyfriend is paying for everything he might just have to stop and give them a wake up call, with his little sister in a safe place when he does it.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

I think its noble of him to do so, and it does show that he's a responsible, well to do man. I just hate that he has to do all of that, just because his dad refuses to get his GED.

And yes, I realize that it would be very selfish of me to make me choose between his family and I; that would be horrible for him to handle. Thing is, we're supposed to be saving up so we can move into a place by June [I graduate in May]. I dunno how to bring it up...

 

[Mizz.Yasmine]

if it were me, id move and take my lil sister with me until my parents grew up.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Unfortunately, I've been there with my family and the only way I got out of it was not talking to them and stop helping them... I don't know if your boyfriend is emotionally capable of that, though.

It sounds like someone needs to do something, though. I doubt anything is going to happen in a year. You're probably too young to raise a child; however, if you feel that you really want to give it a go, there are many less ideal situations for the kid.

Does he have any adults in his life who can give him sound advice on what to do? I'd first have him start talking to them.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

I suggested that she live with us if it bothered him THAT badly [I can safely say that I am in no position to care for a baby, but I have a lot of experience with older children which is no problem for me]; she's a great girl, and I'd have no problem caring for her. He says that his parents wouldn't be willing to allow that, though. His grandparents are close, so if anything was to happen, they'd be willing to help [they watch her everyday after school]. The grandparents feel the same way as Jerry about his parents ways...so I dunno who he can really talk to!

 

[PolyphonicLove]

Okay...so he's stressed out again about his dad not having a job. Nothing I say is getting through! We're supposed to go on a date Thursday, and I wanted to talk about it over dinner, but I have no idea how to go about this without him getting pissed at me. Help?

 

[Beauty Mark]

From your first person, would his sister be willing to live with you? And also, is there anything that the government can do to give someone else legal custody of that child?

I wouldn't press him too much about his father, depending on how stressed he is. Let him know that you want to be there for him. I don't know what else you can do... I would, if this is going to continue, give him a gentle ultimatum. Let him know where you stand and how you feel, but be calm about it

 

[Brittni]

Why do you call him your beau? You're from the states...

If it's that much of a problem, maybe talk directly to the problem: his parents. You shouldn't be afraid of your future in-laws and although they might try to put you in your place as you're not as old or "wise" as them, it's still worth a shot IMO.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

Brittni, I dunno why I call him that! The nickname just stuck, I guess.

I don't think there's anything that can be done. Jerry is annoyed that his father hasn't bothered looking for a job, so he's looking for him again, which made him feel pretty lame. When I told him it was his father's responsibility, he said that since his dad won't take responsibility, then he has to. I understand his mindset, but its so unnessecary for him to be this stressed out. I'm happy to help him, but I'm not about to stay with my own parents any longer than I have to. I feel as if his parents are preventing us from moving forward.

And honestly, I feel that its not in my place to talk to them...this is mostly Beau's battle. :\

 

[NutMeg]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PolyphonicLove And honestly, I feel that its not in my place to talk to them...this is mostly Beau's battle. :\

I agree with this. And it sucks.

 

[PolyphonicLove]

Exactly. It would be horrendously rude of me to say, "Hey, I'm tired of you taking Beau's check to pay your bills because one of you is too lazy to get a job." That's just...wrong.

Though I will admit, I am pissed at them for other reasons. Twice Beau and I made plans to go out [he only has one or two off days a week], and each time, he bailed with no notice, which made me want to kill him. As it turns out, his parents said that he didn't spend enough time with them - they guilt tripped him. He should spend time with his family, but its wrong of them to manipulate him in that way [and also for him to allow them to]. I ended up pissed at him for not calling me to inform me that our plans were canceled, and his parents for interfering in that way when they knew we had stuff planned in the first place.

Man...I sound like a whiny bitch. >.<

 

[PolyphonicLove]

I tried to talk to him - asked him, "Sooo...when did you want to move in?"

His reply was,

"When I get a second job, and when Dad gets a job."

...I'm guessing that's code for never.

Now, I understand Beau getting a second job [he's been applying to different places for a while], but if he's waiting on his dad to get a job [or, should I say, trying to find one for him], then...this will take a while.

Am I wrong to feel kind of miffed?

 

[Mizz.Yasmine]

ur not wrong at all! but his sister needs him the most right now it sound like.its still not right though.

but sometimes u have to make that choice of sacrificing ur happiness for a loved one

i think we all face this sooner or later in life! its a tough situation.i hope it works out 4 u guys!!

 

[Beauty Mark]

No, you're not wrong for being upset. I don't think he totally gets that this may be a forever situation, ie. that his father may never step it up and do what he's supposed to. I think a lot of people live in denial about their parents.

I don't know what to tell you, but you need to decide whether you're willing to put up with this (and it is a lot; I don't pretend it isn't).