My bf has second thoughts about our relationship

[Pink_minx]

Last night my bf told me that he was confused about our relationship. We've been together for 2 years and Im his first girlfriend. Anyways he told me that he feels like he cant talk to girls because of me. I told him that I dont care that he does and that he can have friends that are girls. I mean I myself want guys as friends but could never find one because they always want more from me like they always want to be more than just friends. Then he goes on saying that he talked it over with his cousin and that his cousin told him that he should be having fun at his age. See...his cousin has been with this girl since they were in highschool (we are all in college by the way) and hes been with her for five years and has a daughter with this girl. He too has been feeling confused and wants to see other girls. I was really suprised because they seemed happy but I guess a lot is going on in their relationship like his gf has turned into an alcoholic and that he feels he has done so much for others except himself.

Now back to my bf, he then tells me how his brother use to date a lot of girls and that he is one of the rare people that he knows that has gone out and done everything like party, have sex with lots of girls, and whatever other things he has done and is now settled down with someone who he truly loves. Then my bf tells me that he has never done that and that no girl was ever really interested in him until me. Like he has been with a few girls like 3 and has had sex with them but nothing more. And as for myself I've dated a lot of guys and been in serious relationships and he hasnt. So I asked him if he wanted a break and date other girls and he said he didnt know. Then I asked if he has ever thought of other girls and he said yes. So I was sad about this. I mean Im glad he was honest but im still sad.

I was like "am I ugly to you now" or "am I boring" I was just asking him a lot of questions trying to figure out what I could have done that could trigger him to say these things but he said "no i still love you, you are the most beautiful girl" etc etc. then he says that "we've just been fighting a lot and I feel like you are unhappy...I just want you to be happy." and I told him that I've just been depressed about my parents divorce, me not having and job, and just trying to figure out what I want to do (school and career wise). And he said "thats it? you havent thought about our relationship?" and I said no. Like I knew we were fighting a lot and I told him that I was sorry and that I didnt mean to let my depression or stress get into our relationship, life for me is hard right now but I still love him and care for him. Then I was trying to clarify what his confusion was all about, if he wanted to date other girls, wanted a break etc etc. and he said "I dont know what I want, thats why I keep myself busy all the time" Then he goes on saying he rarely has time for himself because he's always at work, school, and helping his family with things and me.

So I dont know what to think about this. Im sad that he feels this way because I do love him. After our whole conversation we took a shower together (didnt have sex or anything) and it was quiet the whole time. Then before we went to bed he said "I dont want a break from you" and i was like good with that because it would kill me that he would want a break from me to date other girls or do whatever he needs to do. But at the same time 5 years from now I dont want our relationship to end up like his cousins.

What should I do? My bf wanted me to come over to his house this weekend like I've been doing every weekend for the past 2 years but I feel like I shouldnt. I feel like I should not see him that much and give him time for himself. Its just weird because he feels these things but still wants me around a lot. I dont know what to think or do.

 

[Simply Elegant]

He's probably just curious and if his cousin is a strong influence on him, he could have helped make him doubt your relationship. I think he should set some time aside for himself but I don't think that means not seeing him at all on the weekends.

 

[chynegal]

i dont think you guys need a break from each other maybe a break from always being together if you guys spend alot of time with each other. In my relationships i have a thing called ''We time'' and "Me time". Me time is usually when i spend times with my friends go to bars hang out eat dinner or go shopping stuff like that my boyfriend usually goes to strip clubs go to parties and stuff with his friends or he just stays home watch tv and sleep. " We time" is when we do stuff we like with each other. i think that people get so wrapped up into always being with each other because they love each other that they forget that you do need to be apart to do things that you usually do and to take that time and have fun without ur love being there.

 

[Pink_minx]

Thanks girls...we dont hang out that much. Just on thursdays to saturdays hanging out with friends and family sometimes I wont even go out and he will go out with his friends. Sundays is his time jamming out with his cousin and a few friends and during the week he will come over once in a while. Lately hes been coming over a lot but its not like we spend every single day together so its hard for me. Like I want to spend a lot of time with him alone because we are always with a group of people. And last night was a rare time we got together to actually talk alone and spend time together alone. Like even on our anniversary we didnt spend time alone we were with his family so I dont know...maybe he needs to sow his oats or whatever that saying was. maybe thats how he feels.

 

[LMD84]

it's a tough situation hun. at first like another poster said, i thought maybe you should not have a break but just see each other less. but if you don't see each other much anyways then that's not going to work.

i don't really have much advice because at the end of the day nobody will know what your guy is thinking and why. i think maybe you guys should have another heart to heart and sit and talk about your goals for the future, what you want form each other and if your plans are on the same page.

if he decides he does want a break then please odn't think it's the end of the world. me and my hubby went on a break for a couple of months and got back together fine. and we had a break so i could figure out what i wanted in life (as he was my first real boyfriend) i figured out pretty quick what i was missing out on.

 

[MAC-Addict03]

I got really dizzy reading your story! Not because it's bad, but because I was in the same situation very recently..I won't get into it now, but I agree with the other girls saying you should just spend less time together and hang out with friends, do your own thing and enjoy "your time".. Having been in this situation I can tell you breaks aren't always the best option. I had to think it through like 100 times before I was actually sure, and I thought a break would be the best thing, but 4 months later, we still don't know if can work things out because he said some of those similar things to me(goes deeper than your situation). So the best advice I can offer is just be there for him and give him his space, and always talk things out, and if it's meant to be you guys will work things out. Good Luck!

 

[lyttleravyn]

I was in a relationship that ended because of the reasons your guy gave you. My guy was kind of a jerk about it, he literally told me he wanted to marry me some day but he wanted to sleep with other girls first. I guess its better then him just cheating on me? haha. And this guy was over 30 and had been in a number of relationships before me and had been with a good number of girls in bed as well. One week after I hesitantly agreed (I was pretty young and naive back then) that we could see other people, he was sleeping with his manager from work. Needless to say I stopped seeing him and a few months later found the guy for me (we're still together, 2 1/2 years later). While he is miserable and says it was the biggest mistake he ever made because I didn't want to go back to him. And now he's in his mid-30s and is marrying a girl he doesn't like because he knows he wants kids immediately and doesn't want to wait any longer (yeah he's 0 for 2 on the decision making here).

Moral of the story: guys go through this 'greener pastures' phase. However then they find out its a load of crap and you're the best thing that ever happened to them. There is nothing he's missing by going out and finding random hookup which could open up a number of other issues he hasn't considered (STDs, pregnancy, stalkers...hey it happens). Also if he had problems meetings girls before you, what makes him think that has changed? He will be devastated when its much easier for you to date other people then for him to do it. If your relationship is good, why mess with it? If he wants to end the relationship it should be that there's something missing there, not that he *thinks* there's something he's missing elsewhere.

Boys are dumb, what can I say haha.

 

[Pink_minx]

^my thoughts exactly. I still love him, I just feel a little different now. Like I was very open to hearing these things and didnt flip out I was very understanding but at the same time im really hurt knowing that hes thinking about other girls plus his cousin is also feeling confused as well and they both do everything together. ugh. I havent talked to him yet but this morning before he left to work he was all hugging and kissing me...*sigh* Im going to talk to him more about what he thinks because he is still confused so I dont know whats gonna happen I just hope he is thinking with his head up there and not below his waist.

 

[FiestyFemme]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lyttleravyn I was in a relationship that ended because of the reasons your guy gave you. My guy was kind of a jerk about it, he literally told me he wanted to marry me some day but he wanted to sleep with other girls first. I guess its better then him just cheating on me? haha. And this guy was over 30 and had been in a number of relationships before me and had been with a good number of girls in bed as well. One week after I hesitantly agreed (I was pretty young and naive back then) that we could see other people, he was sleeping with his manager from work. Needless to say I stopped seeing him and a few months later found the guy for me (we're still together, 2 1/2 years later). While he is miserable and says it was the biggest mistake he ever made because I didn't want to go back to him. And now he's in his mid-30s and is marrying a girl he doesn't like because he knows he wants kids immediately and doesn't want to wait any longer (yeah he's 0 for 2 on the decision making here). Moral of the story: guys go through this 'greener pastures' phase. However then they find out its a load of crap and you're the best thing that ever happened to them. There is nothing he's missing by going out and finding random hookup which could open up a number of other issues he hasn't considered (STDs, pregnancy, stalkers...hey it happens). Also if he had problems meetings girls before you, what makes him think that has changed? He will be devastated when its much easier for you to date other people then for him to do it. If your relationship is good, why mess with it? If he wants to end the relationship it should be that there's something missing there, not that he *thinks* there's something he's missing elsewhere. Boys are dumb, what can I say haha.

Agreed! My ex pulled the same crap saying he was confused, didn't know what he wanted, etc. Turned out he just wanted to date other people and keep me sitting on the sideline for when he was ready to really settle down and get married. He was pretty upset when he realized I saw what was up and moved on. The last time he tried to get back with me was 3 1/2 years after we broke up... he told me it was the biggest mistake, blah blah, but like I want him. He got ENGAGED to his now wife that same month. So all I have to say is that your BF should be careful what he wishes for... sometimes it doesn't turn out the way you think it will, and you just can't turn back time. I think my ex had to learn a hard lesson, and it sucks to miss out on the best thing!

 

[sweetbabyblue]

I'm going to be honest and admit that I can relate to how your bf is feeling.
It's my first relationship and it's been 3.5 years.
Don't get me wrong, I love my bf more than anything, but there's that little part of you that wonders what a relationship with someone else would be like. Just in terms of experience, no one specific, it's not that I love my bf any less, I just simply wonder.
I would never cheat on him and I can't stand the thought of ever hurting him, but I'm a little scared that if we are together forever whether in the future I might let my curiosity get the better of me and hurt him deeply.

Does that make sense?
I love him, and it's not that I want to be with anyone else or stuff around with other people, I'm just curious about whether i will have regrets later in life with him being the only person I've been with?

 

[Pink_minx]

^ I know I definitely understand and thats why i didnt flip out on him or anything im just really sad and it sucks to wait for that answer and its hurtful to just wait and find out if that person will want you back or not.

I mean I know its not the end of the world...its just hard like i guess its better to do it now than move on, have kids with him, get married and later in the future it all comes down like this...like what his cousin is going through.

I just talked to him a few hours ago, he said he doesnt know if he wants to be single or be in a relationship. He says he still doesnt know and is soo confused! ugh So i think sooner or later we will be on a break and we will see how it goes from there.

 

[sweetbabyblue]

^If he's like me (I'm not sure though) then he does love you, and it's not anything about you, he's just not sure about the situation. It's not you hun *hugs*

For me, I don't want to put my bf through that pain either, I just hope this thought in my mind just disappears, because I am happy with him and I love him.

I hope everything works out for you hun, try not to take it personally..

 

[MaskedBeauty]

I think if he didn't want to see you or really was that confused about your relationship then he wouldn't be wanting to see you. I think you should keep seeing him because by changing the way you act or how much you see him may make him think that you aren't sure about the relationship either. I think he might just be one of those guys that lets other people's opinions influence him too much (i.e. his cousin and what he says). It sounds like he really does love you and care so I think you guys will get past this lil bump in the road.

 

[Almond_Eyed]

I think it's a really tough call since you're his first girlfriend. If he's wondering what else is out there... you might just have to let him go.

When I was 20 and the most naive person in the world, I fell in love for the first time. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this one person. I did wonder if I was going to miss out or if there was someone else out there.

Long story short, the relationship didn't work out, but I'm glad it didn't because I had the chance to satisfy my curiosity of what else was out there (despite kissing a lot of frogs). I feel that I'm a much more mature and independent person now, and I know exactly what I want out of a relationship. That wouldn't have been possible if I didn't go out and kiss some frogs.

 

[kimmy]

i told my last boyfriend that i wanted a break because he was my first boyfriend and i wanted to know what else was out there. i was lying, i really hated and resented him, but i didn't want to say it (until i found out he was a cheater, then i didn't have beef telling him like it was.)

with my current boyfriend, i've had my doubts about our situation, but never about him. i don't think i'll ever doubt him. he wants our relationship to move a little slower than i want it to, and in the beginning that made me question our situation. but i didn't need or want a break. i know he's the one, so when we're going through uncertain times, why would i turn to something else? everyone, every relationship, goes through uncertain times. you don't call it quits for a while until the uncertainty is gone.

i used to believe in breaks, but now...i think that if a relationship really needs a break, it probably just isn't meant to be. especially if he is thinking about other girls, that's not okay. you deserve his full and undivided attention, if he's thinking about other girls i think that speaks to a pretty serious problem.

 

[Verient]

I can sort of relate to this. I've been with my boyfriend for a year and he was my first boyfriend. I have only ever kissed him, only ever touched him. No other guys used to like me - but now they do. I've been curious about other guys... but it's clear to me what I want, and that's him. I'd never give up our relationship to experience new things. He's done it, and I Haven't. Yes it bothers me...but I'd never give him up.

 

[kaliraksha]

Reading your story would have been like me reading my journal 6 yrs ago when my boyfriend wanted a break right after high school and before college (it always seems like they realize the vast abundance of other girls around college, heh). Honestly, I was so disheartened by the fact that we weren't as "in love" as I thought that I let him go. I told him "I'm already mentally prepared for it, so if it's a break that you need I'd rather you take it now than later." I don't know if it was the wisest decision I've ever made and it was kind of a dark time in my life, but, I do know that now I have no doubts about whether he chooses to be with me. Yeah, I was hurt like hell that he wanted this, but I had to stay rational and realize I was his first gf and we had been dating since High School.

I agree, there is something wrong about him thinking about other girls while with you. I don't think it's unnatural but I think he needs to figure out what he wants and be fair to you.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I think it's a crappy part of life, especially when dating seriously at a younger age. I hope you guys figure out what makes you happy, and if you ever need to talk, rant, whatever I'm only a PM away.