My Boyfriend, best friend, and future husband passed away

Babylard

Well-known member
I am so broken as a person. My boyfriend of 3 years recently passed away with leukemia. It was sudden, because we never knew he had such a thing. After the January-April semester ended, he left Winnipeg for Vancouver on Vacation. He then went to Taiwan. While he was in Taiwan, he started coughing a lot and wouldn't see a doctor. I didn't know he was so sick. We all thought he had a cold. When he came back to Vancouver, he had headaches. The first day, his mother took him to the doctor. They gave him antibiotics and tylonol. The next day, he got worse and went to the ER. He waited very very long for a CT scan, which was the last time I heard from him. He slipped into a coma and never woke up. They found blood in his brain and his blood showed leukemia. He passed away the next morning, It was shocking, because he was so healthy up until then.

I am so heartbroken, because we loved each other so much. He was there for me when I had heart failure, which was how we got so close. I booked my flight as soon as I heard he was ill, but I did not make it in time. I feel so responsible because I did not bitch at him for not seeing a doctor. We have the same birthday and anniversary on the same day, so I wish I was more selfish to say "no, please stay with me and do not go." I would have taken him to the doctor from day one. I did not sleep and eat very well. Even now, I find myself always having to force down the food. The smile on the outside is so fake, I am dying on the inside. I have so many regrets. We never married, we had no children, and our time together was so short. He was only 25.

I cried so much and people gave me weird looks in public. While on the plane, I was so tired and passed out while crying. I did not remember what my dream was about, but it is such a mystery to me. I woke up feeling happy and warm, which is so impossible since he just passed away and I was hurting so much. For the brief few seconds after waking up, I felt like smiling and I still felt someone petting my hair like he always did. It all disappeared with a soft breeze. I don't understand it myself, but I wish it never went away.

Now I find myself at such a loss and never able to truly be happy ever again. I keep wishing to be with him again.
 

panther27

Well-known member
Wow,I cannot imagine the shock you are going through.I am so very sorry for your sudden loss sweetie.Try not to beat yourself up,I know that's easier said than done.Please try to take it easy on yourself,you need to take all the time you need to grieve.Again,I am so very sorry,I'm sure your boyfriend is watching over you.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.*hugs*
 

LMD84

Well-known member
I am so sorry for your loss. this is incredibly sad and i can't begin to understand how you are feeling right now. just take your time, cry your heart out and do whatever you need to do.but remember that no matter how bad things seem and no matter how much pain you are in right now - things will get better. do pm me if you need to vent because i'm here for you.
 

peachsuns

Well-known member
I'm so sorry for your loss, Babylard. I can't imagine the pain you're going through.
Hope the loving memories will help to push away the pain and bring the smiles back again. He will be forever in your heart. I will keep you in my prayers.
 

laylalovesmac

Well-known member
Oh my god- I'm so unbelievably sorry. I'm weeping over here. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through, and my whole heart is with you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. Don't beat yourself up about the doctor thing. Unfortunately, these things happen, and they're no one's fault. He'll always be with you. And when you felt like smiling, I'm sure he was cuddled up next to you on the plane brushing his hand through your hair and wishing he could be physically there with you.


Like Lou, if you need to talk, I'm here, sweetie. Don't hesitate to PM me.

"Don't cry because it's over; smile because it happened." - Dr. Seuss

(I know Dr. Seuss seems kind of silly but I've loved that quote ever since my grandfather died of cancer. And since I've found that quote, that's what I try to do, even if it is hard sometimes.)
 

UrbanSweetheart

Well-known member
I'm so sorry for your loss..your words have literally brought tears to my eyes. Please don't blame yourself for anything. As Lou said, things WILL get better. I will keep you in my prayers, Babylard.If you need to talk, don't hesitate to PM me.
 

Copperhead

Well-known member
I'm so sorry for your loss Babylard. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your boyfriends family.
 

DILLIGAF

Well-known member
I'm sorry to hear about your sudden loss. My prayers and thoughts go out to you and your family.
 

Mabelle

Well-known member
I'm so so sorry for your loss. Nothing any of us say will matter right now, because it's so raw... But maybe someday this will mean something to you.

Of all the years human life has existed, of all the years you could have existed, in all the places you could have lived, you were in the exact right place and time in history to meet your boyfriend. And for all the years the world has, and ever will exist, you got to spend 3 years of it's history being his girlfriend, and loving him with all your heart, and he, you. That's pretty amazing if you think about it.

You did nothing wrong, don't think that for a moment.
My deepest sympathies.
 

Babylard

Well-known member
Thank you everyone. I need these words to keep me going. I struggle everyday, wishing that he would take me with him. I keep reaching my hands out, hoping he would be there to take hold like he always did. I go out with friends, but no matter what I do, I still feel so empty inside
 

Shadowy Lady

Well-known member
OMG sweetie I just saw this :( words cannot express how sorry i am...please remember that ur specktra family is here for u. I will keep u in my thoughts, stay strong <3
 

Naynadine

Veteran Moderator
Staff member
I am so sorry for your loss.
th_cheerup.gif
I can't even imagine how painful this must be. Please don't blame yourself, you seem to love him so much, I'm sure you did everything you could, don't stress yourself with shouldhaves and couldhaves. I really hope you can be happy again, I'm sure that's what he wants.
 

Loraelai

Active member
I'm joining everyone else in expressing how sorry I am about this.
A few years ago my ex was diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease (a common form of lymphoma), he was cured but in a month's time the cancer came back and he had to undergo a series of upsetting procedures. He was very young at the time, only 22 years old, so he ended up facing an additional problem: he had a mental breakdown.
I believe I can, if only partly, understand what you're going through.
That's why you have all my support and love: I hope you can be happy again as soon as possible.
As for the moment, just take your time, it will be alright eventually.
kissy.gif
 

xoebc

Active member
I am new to Spektra and seeing all the support and compassion coming from here to help you in your time of need is amazing. Life throws us hurdles all the time. One week after my brother was born we learned he had heart disease, VSD's to be specific which is literal holes in your heart. He underwent five open heart surgeries as an infant. Things were difficult and painful, but having a support system brought us to where we are now. Keep your friends and families close

My prayers go out to you

Xo
 

Babylard

Well-known member
Thank you all for your support... its been so hard now that my partner is gone. I hate life so much and how hardships such as illness has to happen to people we love. It is fustrating
 

LMD84

Well-known member
Thank you all for your support... its been so hard now that my partner is gone. I hate life so much and how hardships such as illness has to happen to people we love. It is fustrating
I think you are doing amazingly well right now sweetie. Just keep remembering all the great times you had together and all the silly things you used to laugh at. These memories will get your through the tough times.
 

Babylard

Well-known member
I think you are doing amazingly well right now sweetie. Just keep remembering all the great times you had together and all the silly things you used to laugh at. These memories will get your through the tough times.
Thinking about the wonderful time we had together makes me happy and sad. I've returned to our home and it is painful that he won't be coming home anymore. I feel so empty and sad. His room is still here, but no one is there
 

BeckyBenett

Well-known member
Oh my.. Thats just horrible.. I hope that you can move on from it. However, it will definitely take lots of time. Take the time to grieve but remember that he would have wanted you to be happy. Do let me know if there is anything we can do for you. You're always welcome to PM me if you need a listening ear. I cannot imagine how you are getting through this period. *hugs* Be safe and be strong my dear.
 

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