My mom chooses her loser sister over me

[Goat Goat Etc.]

RANT

My aunt has been living with our family for over a decade now.
She's a freaking mess. Socially reclusive because she doesn't "like" people, insecure because she can't get a black man but dates a guy with practically a green card (she's ranted about how Mexican women are taking all the black men yet dates a guy with a green card), let's mens' attraction to her determine her worth, is diabetic but eats like shit and doesn't exercise and complains about her weight (recently had low insulin and had to call an ambulance) former and currently is cat lady (we own 1 cat and dog, her only friends), was working a assembly job but has applied and is receiving social security now, bi-polar, and is just an arrogant, ignorant, insecure, ungrateful, diabetic, bitch.

Oh and she lives to compare herself to people she watches on cops and judge judy and other court shows--she thinks she's better than them when she too looks like a mess in public, lives and depends on a relative's hospitality, and is getting money from the government when she can do perfectly well for herself.

Now the thing is this is my Mom's little sister and always will be BUT BUT BUT my mom enables this woman to be as shitty as possible when she really could have made her life anew.

The reason my aunt came to live with us is because she went ape-shit after a breakup with her boyfriend, collected cats, and was being given money by the government to pay for her house and couldn't manage to do that. But she has a dependence on others and at the time was living with her cokehead brother after the breakup so I can imagine it going down hill from there. And one of my other aunt's revealed to me that all my crazed aunt's life she has only moved in with and lived with relatives and her boyfriend--so more crazy dependence.

What's driving me up the wall is that my aunt likes to be ultra defensive and rude to me. There's never a thank you or any consideration for helping her out or just consideration for living with a relative.

Since she, again, relies on others, she's been relying on her green card boyfriend for rides to the store. And recently my aunt been lying the hell the around day and night watching television... I was sick of it and offered to take this ungrateful woman to the grocery store one day and then the next.
No thank you the first time or second time. Instead she wants start some name calling with me when I tell her she can't generalize all people along the gulf and say they all wanted BP there--can't leave news radio on around her because she has a uninformed ignorant opinion on everything. She pays zero attention to the news just court tv.

My mom doesn't put my aunt in check for this. So in turn my aunt gets away with saying and doing all kinds of bs. And it just really hurts that my mom values, spends more time with and talks to and sides with a nut case that decided to be a failed adult rather than her daughter that did and still kinda needs her. I'm working and going to school and live with my folks cause it's cheap--and I think it's so much more of a legit reason to still be in this house than my aunt's reasons.

 

[crystalclear]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your Aunt, relatives can drive you absolutely mental. It could be that your Mum doesn't think her sister can cope on her own or would feel too guilty if she kicked her out, esp. if she is the older and was bought up to "look out for" a younger sibling. Plus if you're working and studying you have proven you are a capable, well adjusted woman, that probably doesn't make it easier but I do hope things improve for you.

 

[LMD84]

wow, this is crazy.

i don't really have any advice on this. i take it you have spoken to your mum and told her your feelings on your aunt? at the end of the day it doesn't sound like your aunt is going to change, maybe it would do her good to kick her out and make her start to interact with people again and such. surely your mum and yourself can't be responcible for her forever?

 

[cno64]

This may not help much, but it sounds kind of like your mother may be one who has a "weakness" for needy people. Maybe "taking care" of them makes *her* feel needed.
I can see how it would be really tough on you; you may feel almost as if you're being somehow penalized because you're not a mess.
Has your aunt seen a doctor lately?
I ask, because for one thing she needs to keep on top of her diabetes, or it could cause her all manner of problems, and if there's one thing your family doesn't need more of, it's problems.
Also, I have to wonder if your aunt had some sort of underlying emotional or mental "issue" that is rendering her incapable of changing her life.
Surely, *she* is not happy with her life the way it is.
You're in a tough spot; I hope and pray that things get better for you.
Please keep us posted.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

If she was conditioned to care for "weaker" people and younger siblings, she should reasonably be trained to look after YOU. You are her offspring and you're working very hard for little profits right now. Anyone conditioned to be so kind should be more supportive of her daughter.

It is possible that the aunt is quite manipulative and a pity whore. It sounds like she's causing problems for herself and then holding everyone else liable for them. It's kind of tough for your mom too because since she's family, she feels bad if she kicks her to the curb.

The only way I can think of right now is for you to move out and in with some friends. Make it known that you're moving out because of your aunt. Your mom will realize soon that the problem is not YOU, but her and be forced to reflect on it. It's not a pretty way to deal with such a situation, but it sure is effective. With you being there, you're just a scapegoat.

 

[QueenBam]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kabuki_KILLER The only way I can think of right now is for you to move out and in with some friends. Make it known that you're moving out because of your aunt. Your mom will realize soon that the problem is not YOU, but her and be forced to reflect on it. It's not a pretty way to deal with such a situation, but it sure is effective.

i agree. it'll be a long, tedious process, but i can almost guarantee you this is the only way it will work.
i kind of know how you feel because my parents, brother and I are all american citizens but my mom's mom isn't, but she has a visa, and in order to keep it she has to spend 6 months in our house EVERY YEAR. She has these really bad habits.... she likes to run into your room without knocking, kind of like a trainwreck, really early in the morning. today it was "HOW DO I START THE WASHER?!?!" (Its set, you just have to close the lid.... dumbass) and yesterday it was "WHAT BUTTON DO I pUSH TO START THE PHONE!?!?". Believe me, waking up to this at 7 am every day gets old ummmm the 2nd day. she also cooks like 70% of the day, which makes a lot of food go to waste, and she is old so sometimes she messes it up. like adding jalapenos to something thinking it was something else, and now its too hot to eat it. not to mention last year she forgot to turn the stove off and we had to re-do the entire kitchen.... the ENTIRE kitchen! my dad almost considered signing a 6-mo lease with my younger brother so they could have a place to go to when she was here, to run away. yes, it was that bad.
you need to tell your mommy she's enabling her behavior. i don't know if she's realized this. it could make all the difference in the world.

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kabuki_KILLER If she was conditioned to care for "weaker" people and younger siblings, she should reasonably be trained to look after YOU. You are her offspring and you're working very hard for little profits right now. Anyone conditioned to be so kind should be more supportive of her daughter.

In my experience, often people like your mother gravitate toward people whom they perceive as "needy," and she may think that you've got it all together, and therefore don't need looking after.
I must agree with Kabuki that you moving out and getting on with your own life might be the best solution.
It sounds pretty drastic, but there's no point in you sacrificing your own sanity.
Is it possible that your aunt has some sort of addiction problem?
You mentioned that she once lived with an addicted brother, and that, along with her current behavior, raised a "red flag" in my mind.
If that's the case, nothing is going to change until some very drastic steps(involving seeking professional help) are taken.
I wish you the best; please keep us posted.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

@Queenbam: I totally get where you're coming from, except all of my extended family is frightened of me. Then it gets passed to my parents that I'm not friendly or unwelcoming. We don't really have a "respect personal space" deal in most traditional Chinese upbringings. Parents feel they have the right to barge in without knocking and to go through your stuff.

cno64 got it right. If you can't afford an apartment on your own, see if any friends have any space (not necessarily a whole room) and try to work out a deal. You may need to give up some of your possessions, but take the important stuff with you. It's totally not right and unfair for this to have to happen to you (you're very different from me, but you sound way nicer than I am XD), but it's kind of the better of two evils, really. Just make sure you choose room mates you can get along with and aren't horrific snorers if that bugs you.

 

[elegant-one]

Well, after reading your post, I came away with such a positive feeling about you rather than seeing it as whole negative post about your mom & her sister! You seem to have clarity on the things of life. You are so commendable to take her to the store a couple times - and hey, even if you received no thanks, it really makes you a better person

There is a WHOLE LOT going on there that isn't good for any of you & I'm not sure there is any quick fix answer. You should tell your mom how you feel, however that probably doesn't help heal the hurt you have that your mom is not putting you first (which she should! ).

I have a feeling that you will come through this a better person with wisdom. Hugs to you

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

Thank you everyone, I've been told by family I'm wrong for feeling this way.
I may be starting school in a new city so I do want to take that avenue to move out and stay out.

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

As for the doctor part, she's seen a doctor.
However she's not being routine.
Also seen a psychiatrist which was kinda helping her, but again stopped being routine.
It's only when she falls on her ass does she get help.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. Thank you everyone, I've been told by family I'm wrong for feeling this way. I may be starting school in a new city so I do want to take that avenue to move out and stay out.

Ah the old-fashioned family "know your place" guilt trip. Just because it's within your culture to be "nurturing" to your "family," doesn't mean it's logical or right for your family situation.

I'm glad you're considering moving away. I hope everything combs over well for you!

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. Thank you everyone, I've been told by family I'm wrong for feeling this way. I may be starting school in a new city so I do want to take that avenue to move out and stay out.

I've found that often people are very fond of telling you how you "should" or "should not" feel, and I think that's rather pointless.
For what it's worth, I don't really see how you could not resent the disruption of your life, especially at an age when you're just starting to "try your wings."
I'm so glad to see that you haven't allowed your wings to be clipped; going to school in another city may really do you good.
I've been praying for you, and will continue to do so.

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. As for the doctor part, she's seen a doctor. However she's not being routine. Also seen a psychiatrist which was kinda helping her, but again stopped being routine. It's only when she falls on her ass does she get help.

Eeww, is this sounding familiar!
I've dealt with several friends and family members who were "messed up," and sang the "I'm so miserable; help me, help me!" chorus, but when it came down to actually getting professional help, they balked like the proverbial mule.
Try to remember that your aunt alone is the one who must avail herself of any help that is offered her; she has to want to do what's necessary to get her life on track.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cno64 I've found that often people are very fond of telling you how you "should" or "should not" feel, and I think that's rather pointless. For what it's worth, I don't really see how you could not resent the disruption of your life, especially at an age when you're just starting to "try your wings."

Exactly my thoughts! Sometimes I think old people make up these "policies" so they can take advantage of it. Being old/sick doesn't give someone an excuse to be rude and take too much advantage of others' hospitality.

Soon you will have to be much more independent and this will in fact put a lot of pressure on you. You will either stumble a lot or succeed and come out of this much tougher.

 

[Goat Goat Etc.]

I honestly think my aunt thinks she's going to live nice and easy even when my parents pass away...she'll prob plan on moving in with either my bro or I.
Not gonna happen...

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. she'll prob plan on moving in with either my bro or I.

You won't have to let her in, of course, but if, when that time comes, you feel that it's the thing to do, you can at least set up some clear ground rules, maybe such as payment of rent, regular doctor/therapist visits, no alcohol or drugs, etc., before she would be welcome in your home.
I don't think it would even be inappropriate to have her sign something.
Please continue to keep us posted.

 

[kabuki_KILLER]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Goat Goat Etc. I honestly think my aunt thinks she's going to live nice and easy even when my parents pass away...she'll prob plan on moving in with either my bro or I. Not gonna happen...

OH HELL NO!
If your brother wants to help her, that's up to him, but if you can't take it, tell him you want nothing to do with it. You need to learn to put your foot down. Lenience or compromise with people like this can only lead you in circles. Sometimes with some people, give them a few inches, they take a few miles. I can tell you're already considering giving her some inches. Don't.

 

[cno64]

Quote:

Originally Posted by kabuki_KILLER OH HELL NO! Sometimes with some people, give them a few inches, they take a few miles. I can tell you're already considering giving her some inches. Don't.

I must agree.
It's in most people's nature to want to help someone who's in trouble, particularly when it's a friend or a family member.
However, be sure that you're equipped to give exactly what's needed, rather than a temporary "bandage."
There's often a very fine line between "helping" and "enabling."
I've unwittingly crossed that line myself a few times, and lived to regret it.
This sounds like a very tricky situation.
Don't hesitate to seek out professionals to guide you along.

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I totally agree with what everyone has said here. I feel that your aunt is a very manipulative, demanding and selfish person (no offense) and thinks that everyone around her is here only to serve some type of purpose to her and nothing else. She has a twisted sense of self-entitlement.

Honestly if I were you, I wouldn't feel bad for turning down to let her live with you if you're parents are no longer able to care for her. I really wouldn't blame you. There are people out there who have different types of problems going on and maybe aren't thinking clearly but do WANT to get help and get better. Your aunt just doesn't seem to be one of those people. It seems as if she just wants the attention, and everything to be focused and catered to her. I feel that letting her into your own home and maybe even life once your independent would be like allowing poison into your life. You obviously am not having a good situation with her living with you right now and it's probably not going to change later on in the future. Sometimes you have to think of yourself and what's best for yourself above others especially if the relationship between you and the other person is toxic.

But I really do hope that you are able to move out soon and get away from all this mess. It would be a lot healthier and less stressful for you. And don't let your family "guilt" you into feeling bad about this whole thing with you and your aunt. There's a good reason why you feel this way and actually feel glad that you are able to see through your aunt's manipulative behavior and actions and not be willing to go along with them.