My mother thinks that I don't love her

[Pink_minx]

I am so frustrated because my mother thinks that nobody cares for her. Just yesterday my dad's wife sent her a chat that we had together and in it it said "I miss you guys!" and "I love you". So my mom went crazy about it! My mom started texting me saying "where did I go wrong as a mother, you love your dad's wife more than you do me." And I was like WHAT!!?? Like of course I love my own mother! but she doesn't believe me just because I said that to my step mom? I am really pissed at what my step mom did and messaged her about it. She hasn't replied, but I thought that was an evil and rude thing to do.

My mom is so emotional and is crying right now I don't know what to do. I'm 23 years old and am living with her and my brother. She is divorced. We all had gone through a lot with my mom because she use to go out all the time and have done drugs. I know that she is still doing some kind of drug and every time I confront her about it she ALWAYS denies it. I don't care if they are sleeping pills or some weird liquid that she takes (those are considered drugs!) because she takes them everyday I don't know how many times but we almost crashed one time because she had a sleeping pill and it was during the day, she has had several large bruises on her forehead because she would just fall over from taking her sleeping pills you see that she is awake one minute then the next she is on the ground sleeping! I know she has a lot of emotional issues and is not happy. I just don't know what to do.

I heard her arguing with her bf about me not ever doing anything with her and that I am always with my boyfriend, she also said that no one makes an effort to care for her. Then she tells her bf that HE always leaves her too. I just feel like she doesn't appreciate us she is a very stubborn person and holds a grudge against the few things that we do and forget about what we have put up with for the past few years. She makes us feel bad. We haven't done anything to hurt her but just be there for her. I just started talking to my dad because I haven't seen him since I was like 12 and I loved that I was spending time with him and his new family and now my mom tells me to stop talking to him and to stop talking to my step dad's family as well because she said that they all abandoned me! I just don't feel that way at all. I know that my dad's family has contacted me on phone and in person before but my mother never answered and always ignored. So I know that they tried. I know she needs help but no one wants to because whenever they try to help she gets mad and thinks we are accusing her of doing things. All she ever say is that we don't care for her and that she is very very sad! But we all do care! She keeps saying that her sister doesn't care but she does! Her sister and dad came over one time to visit and my mom didn't answer the door! like wtf!? she shuts herself from everyone when they want to help or just randomly come by to hang out with her.

My mom and I aren't talking right now and its so awkward. I hate that she is holding a grudge on me because she thinks I love my step mom more than I do her. I told her I don't love her in that way. Not like a mother daughter love more like oh my step mom is so cool and funny, I love her! lol but I realize that my step mom has an ugly side and I won't be talking to her anymore. I don't understand what her motives are but I dont appreciate it. I feel that if I talk to my Aunt about this and she confronts my mom about this whole situation she will explode and think I'm talking behind her back. Like honestly I don't know what to do. I shouldn't be afraid to do these things and keep all my feelings in but I don't think my mom will ever see the whole picture. *sigh*

 

[LMD84]

woah. i'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this right now. honestly it sounds like your mum isnt coping so well and maybe she is actually a little depressed? perhaps that is why she feels the need to take some pills and also why she seems to be getting so upset over things that are very obviously untrue. are you able to take her to a dr perhaps? just to chat so that she can get how she feels out in the open. because i am guessing that it is not you she is upset with, she knows deep inside that you love her - perhaps it is easier for her to make up an issue like that than to deal with what is actually going on with her.

i'd also perhaps have a chat with your dads wife. why was she sedning your mum that conversation anyway? unless it was to deliberately upset her which is just plain nasty. find out why she did it and let her know what a big issue and upset she has caused. perhaps she will realise it was wrong.

i hope everything starts to calm down for you soon.

 

[Pink_minx]

^thanks! and yes I've tried but she's always saying that she is not that bad and that she is just fine. I did email my dad's wife and she was clueless about it. I don't know if my mom made it up because I was asking her to show it to me and she wouldn't. So I don't know. It's just hard because we've dealt with her issues and seen a lot of things that she's done. I just wish she knew how we all have felt and gone through seeing all the things that she has done. I don't think she realizes how much it has affected us because she is so depressed and caught up in her own problems.

 

[blazeno.8]

I'm sorry to hear that. I guess my advice would be if you have health insurance to seek counciling about the situation. I know that it's not fair that you should be the one to have to go through it, but sometimes these situations help to talk to a professional about how it's affecting you.

 

[mayflower]

I agree with blazeno.8, just because it's actually the first thing you could do. When your mother says she is fine and doesn't want to get help, that's her decision (sadly, because the way you described it makes me feel like she would need it).
But what you need to do is take care of yourself. I think most people don't realise that the feeling of responsability in a parent/child relationship works both ways. You love your mother basically in the same way she loves you and when you see her like that, of course you want to help her and make her feel better. And since you are an adult now, it would feel like you should be capable of taking better care of her, making it hurt even more when she doesn't apreciate your efforts.
You don't need to cut ties with your stepmother, just to show your mother that you love her more. If you genually feel like you don't want to talk to her, though, then don't. It depends on the motivation of your actions. It may sound harsh and maybe impossible, but try to not get sucked in your mothers bad mood.
Counselling might help you clear your thoughts in a way that your mother might understand when she has a good moment. Maybe you can find a way of telling her that her actions and behaviour make you feel bad, too, but in a way that doesn't sound accusing. With a bit of luck, it might make her realise what's going on and that she needs help.

If that's the case anytime, maybe you can already prepare a little and look into what options your mother might have for counselling. From my experience, gathering the strength to make a change only to be told that you have to wait 9 months for an appointment with the first therapist on your list is pretty disappointing

I hope you take care of yourself!

 

[X4biddenxLustX]

I'm so sorry that you are stuck in such a difficult situation. But I do agree that your mother should definitely seek some type of counseling. It seems like she's extremely depressed and probably feels lonely in some type of way. Even though she's living with you and your brother she might be feeling like deep down inside she can't express to you guys her sense of loneliness and whats all bothering her. This might be a possible reason why she may of turned to drugs. However, she's her own person and only SHE can truly want and go get the help that she needs. No matter how much you may care for someone, there's only so much that you can do for them. All you can do is reassure her of how much you love her, and suggest that she seek help and just offer to be there for her when she needs someone. But I feel as if this relationship especially with you guys living together may not be the best especially not for you. I know all about toxic relationships and am currently living with a lot of tension under the same household as my parents. It's definitely not healthy and actually worsens things between me and my parents. I would highly suggest if it is possible for you to maybe start looking into moving out? I mean you can still be there and supportive of your mother even if you aren't living together. It's just that it might really help a lot especially on your end to not have to constantly come home to this day in and day out.

 

[hickle]

I can see where she's coming from. Not that you've done anything wrong, but that she wants to be #1 in your life. I don't know all the back story, but I'd go out on a limb and guess that your mom and dad ended their relationship on a bad note (maybe your mom views your step mom as a problem or was upset by how quickly your dad moved on?). I imagine that she probably hoped you'd hate your step-mom, and you telling your step-mom that you love her makes your mom feel displaced. The best you can do is to try to explain to your mom how you feel: that you love them both, that you have more than enough love to go around, and that she'll always be special to you because she is your mom. I know it is completely irrational for you mom to feel like that, but that's the thing about emotions: they're not rational.

Is there something special you could do for her? Bake her something, take her to dinner, make her a card or jewelery or a painting? It sounds like your mom might need something extra special to remind her that you love her.

On a side note, why did your step-mom send that text to your mom? It sounds like she was maybe doing it to make your mom feel bad. If that's the case you should have a talk with your step-mom about that.