My Sister Needs Help...

[j_absinthe]

So, being that I've never been in her situation, I figured maybe some of you could offer some advice...

My sister is done with her boyfriend, emotionally anyway. She's at a point where she feels like they're not lovers but roommates, and even though she cares about him, she sees him going nowhere.

She'd like to end it. Unfortunately, her boyfriend has the emotional and psychological capacity of a 6 year old. He's vindictive and the kind of person who enjoys being in the midst of chaos. He thrives off it, and her biggest fear is retaliation, be it from him or sending some of his hillbilly friends or family after her or her family. He can't handle things like an adult, and his relationship to her and the rest of us (her family and friends) has gotten so tense over the past three years. He also just got out of jail.

She wants a clean break, but she's got so much invested materially into the relationship, she's worried about things getting ugly. As successful as she's become and as good the friends are she surrounds herself with, she's still got lower self-esteem.

I hate her being in the position, and I too am in fear of retaliation, even if it's just juvenile prank phone calling and harassment again not only her, but all of us.

Any advice?

 

[Beauty Mark]

What is he honestly capable of? I would have her talk to a women's hotline type place if you think he's seriously capable of something worse than one or two crank calls.

If she knows there are things she really wants that are specifically hers (photo albums) and fears him stealing them, I'd move that stuff out in one swoop immediately. If she thinks he's really dangerous, she needs to think about how and where she's going to break up with him

Good luck.

 

[purrtykitty]

Can we say change the locks and get a restraining order? Sounds to me like this guy is full-on crazy. It almost might be better for her to just get out, leaving no trace of anything behind, change her cell number, and just disappear.

 

[*Stargazer*]

If your sister fears for her safety and for her possessions, the best thing to do is for her to come up with a plan as to how she is going to remove herself from the situation and then execute it quickly, preferably with some security, ie the cops. I would also advise attempting to get a restraining order.

Great advice from the girls above, as well.

 

[Kalico]

From everything I've read, getting a restraining order may not be the wisest decision. There's a book out there called The Gift of Fear which talks about it quite well, and how it really depends on the personality of the ex that will determine whether it's a good decision or a devastating one. I suggest she reads it (at least skip to the part about relationships) and she can decide for herself.

She should start making a plan, untwining herself from this guy financially and materially. Subtly of course and slowly if necessary but it doesn't sound like she's too dependent on him because she has so much support.

Are you scared that he's actually capable of doing scary things, or are you worried about retaliation like phone calls? If it's the latter then that's nothing. Just ignore them and move on. Consider yourself lucky!

 

[j_absinthe]

I don't think he's smart enough to do something really scary, but I also think because he isn't that smart that he's also reckless and petty enough to do something insane.

From what I gather, she just told him she wants him out, not that she wants to break up, but that she needs some time to do her. He's coming back from his parents' today and she's letting him stay with her for a couple days so he can goto some Cubs guy he bought tickets for. She's admittedly scared, and I hope she stands her ground, but I know she's going to fall for the manipulation. I really hope she proves me wrong, or else to be quite frank, I'm going to resent her alot.

Thanks all.

 

[Beauty Mark]

Tell her to call you (or you call her) every day. Call frequently.

 

[blindpassion]

She needs to get out, quickly.
The worst situation you can be in with a person like that is them knowing you are having doubts, it makes them angry to think they will loose you
Being in an abusive relationship in the past, I have experience with that kind of stuff...
Once they know you're unhappy, they pull guilt trips, they get angry, the last thing they can handle is knowing you want to leave.
Get out, cut ties, and be as smart as you can about the situation.
NEVER be afriad to ask for help, theres a lot of resources out there for these types of situations, good luck to her, it's scary, I know how she feels.

 

[kaliraksha]

Truth be told, there is no way to predict how this guy is going to act. Your sister needs to be prepared for anything and hopefully come to realize that living in fear is not the way to go. To me, she has made up her mind about this guy not being the one. And, if he isn't then the break up process will come soon enough... the less involved they are the better.

I would also begin to financially and materially disassociate myself from him. She could slowly move out a box every few days of things she absolutely cares about.... into a storage unit she doesn't tell him about. I don't know how tied up they are financially... but money and possessions are just worldy things. They are tangible... you lose some money and some things well you know what it would cost to replace them or that you will get over it or make it up. However, being in a draining relationship that is going nowhere effects your life in many many ways that you can't put a price tag on.

If he prank calls she can change her number. If he gets creepy and stalks her she can call the cops. Whatever comes her way there are solutions especially when she has a support system like you. Best case scenario... it's over he's more bark than bite and she can move on with her life. Worst case... she needs to involve the cops and he can be an annoyance but she can still move on with her life. It's a win/win, to me at least.

 

[j_absinthe]

Thanks so much all, it's all good stuff to take in.

Just an update: he's got the majority of his stuff packed in boxes, though they seem to be amicible at the moment. They're going to the game tomorrow together-which I initially thought was just a him thing. I'm hoping it's not an attempt to try and rekindle that which wasn't even all that much there in the first place.

It's true though, there are solutions to everything, I just hope that for once everyone can be adults and let things just dissolve naturally without too much conflict.

Again, thanks so much, I'll continue to keep updating for those curious and whatnot.