My Situation.

[user46]

Guys ... why the hell doesn't my man EVER want sex?! Last night I slept at his house, and I was just assuming that he'd have sex with me, because he knows that my period is gonna start soon.
Nothing.
ok. So he knows that one of the reasons that I slept over there was because when I sleep at my house, it's hard for me to sleep. So instead of cuddling or just holding me until I fall asleep .. he turns off the light, sleeps next to the wall, turns his back toward me ... and lays down. I'm like dude, are you fucking serious right now?
It's like ... we've been in a relationship for about 2 years, but we are each others first "real" relationship. He thinks i'm selfish and a nagger 247 .. and i think he's selfish and a dick 247. It's like we don't know the act of compromise. I always want attention when he feels the need to watch football every Sunday. It's like I know i nag sometimes ... but it's like I can't just sit there and be unhappy. I can't sit there and have the one person who I love and who supposedly loves me just act like he doesn't care. I feel suppressed because if i tell him how i feel, i'm nagging. If i don't, i'm dying inside. I just don't know what to do anymore.

And i mean, sex isn't everything to me. But when i havent had sex in about a month and i'm gonna have my period for a week ... it kinda becomes a priority. i'm just a normal, sexual being, lol. what can i say. it's like he wants it when he wants it. He knows that when he wants it, i'll give it to him, because 9 times outta 10 i want it too. but when i want it, i either have to beg or just get straight turned down.


UGH.

 

[Beauty Mark]

If you two view each other in such poor light, why are you still together? I wouldn't want someone to describe me as someone who nags constantly and is selfish.

 

[chocolategoddes]

maybe you don't turn him on.
try actually communicating with him, telling him how his ignoring you makes you feel, and see why he doesn't want sex.
maybe he's getting it from someone else. maybe he's not in a good mood and something is troubling him. let him be completely honest with you.
you deserve to feel oved and wanted, and if a guy isn't doing that for you then it's time to stand up and make it happen.

 

[TISH1124]

Are you initiating sex or just laying there hoping he will be the aggressive one or that he will automatically know you want it...Because if I want it I let it be know that I want it...I am asking only because some women don't initiate sex and just assume the men can read their minds which is not always the case. If you are initiating it and playing around with him and then he just rejects you...That is a whole different issue...Because honestly.....I don't know many men that will turn down sex with their mate especially after a month ....unless they are getting it elsewhere, sorry not trying to be mean at all. Hell I can't even bend over fully clothed without my dh wanting some...Trust me I try not to bend over much...it does get annoying at times.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

You and him sound exactly like me and my ex. I dont know what to say, because our situation was the same and I dunno if we ever fixed it. My ex told me I nagged him when we were together, and he still tells me this. But I do what I think is right and I tell him how i feel, nagging or not. Because if its going to work, or if ur going to try and make things better, than u need to express how u feel. Otherwise, like u said, u will feel like ur holding so much in, and youll resent him

I think u really need to have a heart to heart with him, and tell him exactly how u feel. Without nagging. I would wait for a day that u guys arent fighting or arguing, or even when hes in a good mood, and just ask him if u can talk. Tell him u want ur relationship to work and be healthier, and express the problems u see, and that u guys should compromise.

The whole sex thing...I dunno what to say. When my ex didnt want to have sex with me its because I was nagging, unsupportive, and we were fighting all the time. And he was getting ready to break up with me. The second time he didnt want to have sex, he was really focused on his music and just wasnt showing me enough attention.

Best of luck to you, u can always PM me if youd like (our situations are so similar lol)

BTW, Ive MISSED you!!

 

[ClaireAvril]

I think I am just repeating some of the other posts
If you both don't like each other.. why are you together?

You should talk to him. I know its hard to talk to some men and get the truth from them. But I guess you have to try.
Also I am thinking - you need to give him his space. You cant be around him all the time.
It could be healthier for the relationship if you both define your own lives. You should hang out more with your friends or on your own and he can do his own thing. He'll either realize that he misses you.. or maybe you 2 will drift apart.
There are so many things that could be going on.. or so many remedies that can be suggested to you. You know him - so you do what you have to do, but make sure you're thinking about your best interests.

 

[user46]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC You and him sound exactly like me and my ex. I dont know what to say, because our situation was the same and I dunno if we ever fixed it. My ex told me I nagged him when we were together, and he still tells me this. But I do what I think is right and I tell him how i feel, nagging or not. Because if its going to work, or if ur going to try and make things better, than u need to express how u feel. Otherwise, like u said, u will feel like ur holding so much in, and youll resent him I think u really need to have a heart to heart with him, and tell him exactly how u feel. Without nagging. I would wait for a day that u guys arent fighting or arguing, or even when hes in a good mood, and just ask him if u can talk. Tell him u want ur relationship to work and be healthier, and express the problems u see, and that u guys should compromise. The whole sex thing...I dunno what to say. When my ex didnt want to have sex with me its because I was nagging, unsupportive, and we were fighting all the time. And he was getting ready to break up with me. The second time he didnt want to have sex, he was really focused on his music and just wasnt showing me enough attention. Best of luck to you, u can always PM me if youd like (our situations are so similar lol) BTW, Ive MISSED you!!

Hey girl. Ugh, i just can't stop crying. He sent me an email and was just telling me all this shit that i've never ever knew he felt. He's like sometimes he just wants to be alone and have me not come over and be home by his self. It sounds little ... but it's like whoa, where is this coming from. He says we don't need to be together all the time but its like ... I have no one else. I'll be a loner. I can't do it. The way he just talks to me is like he's given up already. He hasn't said it ... but his whole demeanor is making me feel like he's giving up. I just want to be with himand hold him right now .. and I cant because apparantly "we aren't supposed to be together all the time".

I can't handle this. It really is tearing me up inside because I've never been in a relationship anymore and this is REALLY like ... I can't sleep, I want to cry all day. ..But he gets "stressed out" when I cry so it's like I have no one to talk to. Now, i wrote him an email before he wrote me one, telling him EVERYTHING , like that was from the bottom of my heart. And the one he wrote me was just telling me bad shit it seemed like. I don't know if i'm just seeing the bad in it. But it just feels sooo different now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't want to be the "nagging parent type" ... but i'm the only one who could put him in his place and now hes pushing me away. Like really, I love him. I want to be with him ... but now since he's really telling me how he feels ... I don't know how to act around him. I don't know when it's good to be around him. I don't know when we should spend days and nights together, with the fear that he won't tell me when he really wants to be around me or not. It's so hard right now.
Love really fuckin hurts man.

 

[CantAffordMAC]

To be honest with you....this is exactly what I went through. For 2 years, me and my ex shut out the ENTIRE world, and we were so wrapped up in eachother. So he kinda cut off his friends and spent all his time with me, and especially when he didnt have a job he was at my house EVERY DAY. I shut out my friends and only wanted to be with my man.

That can really start to wear on ur relationship. I dont think its healthy at ALL. We both got annoyed with it, but since we cut everyone else off, and since all we knew was seeing eachother everyday, we didnt know how to stop. So me being nagging and unsupportive and us arguing, on top of spending too much time together and being up eachothers ass, it finally broke down our relationship, and thats why we broke up. We really were up each others ass. And my boyfriend told me that, on the day he broke up with me "We are always up eachothers ass, its getting old" And of course at the time I was like "OMG How can he say that to me??" But now being single and apart frm him, I see that we were way too wrapped up in echother.

I seriously think this is whats happening: ur entire situation sounds like mine. If I was you, I wouldnt be offended. I mean, yes I would. But try not to be. Because he hasnt broken up with you, and he is telling you how he feels....so go with that. I would just let him have his space, have his time, dont nag, dont worry about seeing him everyday. And I know it sounds hard, but I seriously think its the best thing for u guys relationship.

Being single for the past 9 months has shown me a lot. Ive hardly spent time or seen my ex. i cant imagine going back to seeing him everyday, spending hours every day with him...Like, yeah, thats how it would be if we lived together/were married. BUT you guys have to have ur freedom, space and alone time. I understand what ur saying, because I really dont have any friends either. But the time Im not with him, I dont have to necessarily spend it out with friends. U can use the time to focus on you, treat urself, reflect on life, do a project, spend time with family, etc. Its okay to be by yourself:you were by urself before u met him, and u are ur own person. You guys shouldnt need eachother, you should want eachother. You should be able to give and take in the relationship and make eachother better and stronger by being together.

Im so glad Ive had a chance to hang out with my family more; we've gotten closer (when me and my ex were hangin out EVERYDAY, me and my family werent really close at all, we were arguing). Ive had a lot of time to think about what I want out of life, where I wanna go, what I want to do. I feel wya more independant. Both of us were very controlling, but now its starting to get waaaaay better, and when he doesnt bitch and moan about me going out with friends, it makes me love and appreciate and respect him THAT much more.

All I can say is: go along with what he wants. Respect his decision. Give him some space, it doesnt mean ur love for him has to change. He will probably really appreciate u doing it. Some advice from my mom (whos always right): Men always come back. They will always be back no matter what.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Seriously!

 

[CantAffordMAC]

Damn...sorry for preaching?

 

[user46]

It's good. It kinda sucks to hear the this was your situation and it ended the way it did. But I have faith that this won't be like that. i HOPE. Faith and love isn't enough to keep it together but right now i'm SO willing to do whatever it takes. I can't believe our whole like ... aura in this relationship is different. like our conversations and shit. he keeps reassuring me that we can make it work ... but in the most un-assuring way. It's scary. I can't imagine my life without him. Like i think i'd utterly go nuts if this were to really go down. I'm going to respect his decision wholeheartedly and anything else i need to change. I just want him to do the same. God this hurts so bad. I just wake up and cry and cry. It affects my work performance ... which idk i work with people and I can't help but to get annoyed and emotional. I don't be wanting to go to class. I just want to be with him. It's hard because he wants me to not be so clingy, but at the same time this situation requires me to need a little more attention from him. I can't go through it alone. So it's like i'm stuck and I don't know what to do. He's my best friend, but we can't balance best friend and boyfriend. It's like when i have a fight with him ... i also want to talk to him about it ... cuz he's my best friend .. lol...make sense?

This is the hardest thing i've ever dealt with in my life and I just don't know how to go about it. He's my first real boyfriend, so I kinda didn't figure he'd be "the one" at first ... but our relationship has grown into so much, and though we are on different pages career wise, we both want the same things ultimately. just have different ways of viewing how to get there. I'd never want to take back what we have, fights and all. I can never ever see myself starting over with another. I really don't know how to feel or what to do with myself. And to top it off, my period ... yay. So tears and emotions galore.
I'll sit there and actually smile and laugh about stuff with him... then as soon as I start to think "it's going to be okay" ... I lay down and everything starts to hit me like a ton of bricks. Emotions and tears and fear. it's like i don't want to turn him off with all my emotions .. but how do i handle it?

I woke up at like 5 am and was just crying. Everytime i have a nightmare or something, i call him, no matter what the time is. So i called and he was of course sleeping .. but i did something that i never do. I left voicemails .. because it felt like i was talking to him. I told him everything I feel ...which i've been telling him since we've been fighting. I told him what i'd do for him. I told him just everything.
And it's like ... if we're going to break up over a fight, lets remember what the fight was!
and don't be sorry ... i am.
right now i feel like ....

:unsu re: .. but at the same time, i'm still like :

about him.

 

[TISH1124]

Honestly...as hard as it may be...No one should ever want someone that doesn't want them back.

 

[user46]

I know, but the thing is ... he tells me he does want me and he does want to be with me, but the fighting is taking a toll and we need to slow down. And I agree. I keep asking him to tell me straight up if he wants me or if he's just telling me what I want to hear or trying not to hurt me. And he tells me that he really wants to work it out he loves me to death.
I believe him.
But something about him now is not really convincing. But i guess that's just me expecting superman and expecting him to get down on bended knee and profess his love for me. Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 Honestly...as hard as it may be...No one should ever want someone that doesn't want them back.

 

[user46]

I just need to take a step back. Dry my eyes from the crying once and for all. And try to get on with my relationship. It just hurts, with all that's been said, you know? And makes it hard for me to believe that what he tells me is really what he's feeling, because me finding out new shit that he felt is what hurt me the most. But i understand that the only way to move on is to ... well ... move on with the relationship. Its just like, how do you act around someone now? I'm afraid to be a certain way or do something because I don't want to sway his feelings against me anymore than they might be now.


I've never ever thought i'd turn into one of "those girls" , because before this relationship I was so proud to say how strong I was as a woman. Being in love totally brought me down to a reality. I'm not NEARLY as strong as I thought I was. I'm not better than anyone. And I need to stop thinking about myself.


... but where do I start?

 

[abbey_08]

seriously iv been there with my ex... he was my 1st proper bf and exactly what was happpening to you. no sex, didnt have anything nice to say about eachother etc etc...i thought my world would collapse if we broke up...i didnt have many friends. i thought id be a loner or whatever! things where so bad we hadnt had sex in a year!!!!!!

of course we broke up...it was sad for a while...then i started to make friends and go out more. and i found that life was a million times better than before and i was worrying for nothing! it IS hard at 1st...but then you will see that life will improve and you will change a lot as a person! then you will think back and think 'oh my god i wish we had broken up sooner'. and i met a new bloke...who made me see even more what a disfunctional relationship my previous one was and iv never been happier!!!

it really doesnt seem like you two are happy together. at the VERY least you need to spend a long time apart to live seperate lifes for a bit. if its meant to be you will end up together in the end. and if you break up you have a new exciting fresh start ahead of you!!

its tough but hang in there! it does get ALOT better!

 

[iadoremac]

The way I see it is that in everybody needs their space and correct me if I am wrong it seems as if you dont have that much of a life without him and i think he might have issues with that. On the other hand wants the point of being in a relationship if you dont want to spend as much time as possible with the person. If he had issues with the way the relationship was going he should have just said so after all its not like you are a mind reader. At the end of the day I think you have been good to him for the most part and its up to him to decide whether he still wants to be with you so my advice is ...........dont stress. I know its easier said than done but dont stress and occupy your time.

 

[Shadowy Lady]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CantAffordMAC To be honest with you....this is exactly what I went through. For 2 years, me and my ex shut out the ENTIRE world, and we were so wrapped up in eachother. So he kinda cut off his friends and spent all his time with me, and especially when he didnt have a job he was at my house EVERY DAY. I shut out my friends and only wanted to be with my man. That can really start to wear on ur relationship. I dont think its healthy at ALL. We both got annoyed with it, but since we cut everyone else off, and since all we knew was seeing eachother everyday, we didnt know how to stop. So me being nagging and unsupportive and us arguing, on top of spending too much time together and being up eachothers ass, it finally broke down our relationship, and thats why we broke up. We really were up each others ass. And my boyfriend told me that, on the day he broke up with me "We are always up eachothers ass, its getting old" And of course at the time I was like "OMG How can he say that to me??" But now being single and apart frm him, I see that we were way too wrapped up in echother. I seriously think this is whats happening: ur entire situation sounds like mine. If I was you, I wouldnt be offended. I mean, yes I would. But try not to be. Because he hasnt broken up with you, and he is telling you how he feels....so go with that. I would just let him have his space, have his time, dont nag, dont worry about seeing him everyday. And I know it sounds hard, but I seriously think its the best thing for u guys relationship. Being single for the past 9 months has shown me a lot. Ive hardly spent time or seen my ex. i cant imagine going back to seeing him everyday, spending hours every day with him...Like, yeah, thats how it would be if we lived together/were married. BUT you guys have to have ur freedom, space and alone time. I understand what ur saying, because I really dont have any friends either. But the time Im not with him, I dont have to necessarily spend it out with friends. U can use the time to focus on you, treat urself, reflect on life, do a project, spend time with family, etc. Its okay to be by yourself:you were by urself before u met him, and u are ur own person. You guys shouldnt need eachother, you should want eachother. You should be able to give and take in the relationship and make eachother better and stronger by being together. Im so glad Ive had a chance to hang out with my family more; we've gotten closer (when me and my ex were hangin out EVERYDAY, me and my family werent really close at all, we were arguing). Ive had a lot of time to think about what I want out of life, where I wanna go, what I want to do. I feel wya more independant. Both of us were very controlling, but now its starting to get waaaaay better, and when he doesnt bitch and moan about me going out with friends, it makes me love and appreciate and respect him THAT much more. All I can say is: go along with what he wants. Respect his decision. Give him some space, it doesnt mean ur love for him has to change. He will probably really appreciate u doing it. Some advice from my mom (whos always right): Men always come back. They will always be back no matter what. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Seriously!

You sound very wise for a 19 year old Rebeca. I guess we all learn and live

 

[user46]

thanks. I'm like right in front of him right now. I can't stop talking about the situation and I also think that will pull us apart. I can't get over what has been said and I just keep thinking and fearing a breakup. I think I'm dooming myself before I get a chance to try. I'm expecting to just come over here and be exactly the same. And now I know it's going to take a lot more than just coming over and trying to act perfectly normal because I don't even remember how I used to be around him. This fight has only been going on for a little while and I can't even remember how I used to act. I'm starting to think I should just give it up. This is crazy.

 

[abbey_08]

i think maybe you two should spend some time apart...it would be so healthy for both of you

 

[jennifer.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MACpro__* Hey girl. Ugh, i just can't stop crying. He sent me an email and was just telling me all this shit that i've never ever knew he felt. He's like sometimes he just wants to be alone and have me not come over and be home by his self. It sounds little ... but it's like whoa, where is this coming from. He says we don't need to be together all the time but its like ... I have no one else. I'll be a loner. I can't do it. The way he just talks to me is like he's given up already. He hasn't said it ... but his whole demeanor is making me feel like he's giving up. I just want to be with himand hold him right now .. and I cant because apparantly "we aren't supposed to be together all the time".

without trying to sound mean and to offer straight up advice, the problem lies within what you just said here.

it sounds like he might feel smothered by you at times. basically you're just pushing him away by saying to yourself you'll be a loner and you just can't do it. believe me, i have my own share of relationship problems with my own bf right now. i've been with my bf for 3 years and i get frustrated because we aren't living together yet. on the flipside, although i don't have ANY friends here (i haven't lived in this state long enough to make any true meaningful friends) myself, i don't act out like i need to be with him constantly because i don't.

he's the type who can be fine alone and he has tons of friends and hobbies and i have my own interests, so as a result i don't feel i need to be around him every minute of the day and i don't feel rejected when he's off doing something else. in fact, when the day comes and we are able to live together, i really hope that doesn't change. i encourage him to visit his friends and go and do what he likes to do. i know my patience will be rewarded when the time is right for both of us.


step back and try doing things on your own. 6 years ago, i was in a previous relationship that ended so badly i had to go to a therapist for help. that therapist taught me that it's okay to do things on your own. she told me to take myself out on dates and even try going out to eat alone. i took that advice and it worked wonders. i realized that it wasn't so bad after all being alone. to this day, i still "take myself out on dates" and i value the time i have alone now. i don't need my bf's attention to feel important or wanted because i know that i'm not alone and that when we are together, our time is more meaningful together.

before that, i never tried any new hobbies or tried to do anything on my own and now i'm always coming up with some new hair-brained idea or hobby to venture out and try or find some place to go. it's kind of funny because i have so many now that i don't even know which ones i want to do at any given moment. it's weird.

sorry for the long reply, but my point is...try being your own person and eventually your bf or the next person will truly love that about you and will WANT to be with you whenever you two are together. when it happens though, you have to remember to still continue being your own person and not fall back into that same cycle. let him be his own person too. you'll see that your relationship(s) will be better as a result. try it, it works!

 

[user46]

I'm so sorry guys for this on-going thread all about little old me and my problems. But the only way I get through things is to talk about it ... and talk about it ... and talk about it some more. Thank you so much for being there for me.

I was just at his house for about 3 hours ... and I decided it was time for me to come home because I just don't want to smother him. Because I couldnt help but to talk about the situation. So I left. I did tell him that when we are together, we need to start doing things instead of just staring each other in the face. I think he just wants to "live his life" ... I don't know what exactly that means. But I hope we can "live our lives" together. And you're right guys ... I need to be happy with being alone. It's just that SOMETIMES i NEED to do shit with other people. Like ... going to the movies by myself is cool ... shopping by myself is cool ... but why am I shopping to go no where, lol. Theres some things that just aren't fun when you do it alone. I actually got a chance to talk to my mom about it, and she said basically the same things that you guys are saying. It's like no matter how much advice I get... this is ultimately between me and him. I can't get advice on what I'm doing wrong from anyone ... but only he can REALLY tell me whats going wrong in our relationship. I just wish he'd communicate more. You're right, iadoremac ... i'm not a mind reader. I just want to feel good and be with him. And today I told him that like ... I just want everything to be back to normal. Well, a better normal. And he said "i am acting normal, you're the one that needs to be normal" ... and thats totally right. I am the one not being normal. But the problem is that I don't know how to be normal, when theres things about you that you need to change .. in order for him to LIKE to be around you. So it's like i'm walking on eggshells trying to do everything right and it gets soooo stressful. and sitting around reminicing about the good times and the times he was so sweet and the times we made actual LOVE and the pictures .. makes things 103810302% worse.
I'm going on record to say I HATE the honeymoon phase. lol. It gets you set up for a let down, because everyone changes ... and it doesnt stay lovey dovey forever. And it's like ... now that I know how he can be ... I think i'm cheating myself by accepting anything less than "the star treatment"... i know guys aren't perfect. But i expect perfect out of him. And that's not right. I should love him flaws and all, and he should love me flaws and all. and i do. that doesnt mean the relationship will work.

MORAL: You absolutely positively need more than love in a relationship.
I just hope it all gets better.. i'll keep you guys posted

... i



And why is it that when you're going through problems, every song on the radio is about breakups?!