My son's family knew nothing about him!!!!!

[AdlersMommy22]

Okay so most of you know my story about my son's father.. for those of you who dont heres a BRIEF history

Dated off and on for 6 years.. got pregnant back in July of 07, havent talked to him since November of 07, he wanted me to get an abortion and i told him no so he told me he was going to have nothing to do with my son.

Things have come and gone, my son is now 9 months old, and has never heard from his father or anyone from his side of the family.

I should add that I live in Illinois and his father and his side live in Boston (well, Ipswich), MA.

I found out while I was pregnant with my son that his father (we'll call him E)was having sex with a 14 year old girl... he's 28.

This 14 year old girl (we'll call her J) called me the other night because we kinda became "friends" after she found out what E had done to me getting me pregnant and abandoning me.... anyway- she called me the other night and said that Dave, E's uncle, was in her work the other day and she didnt think that he had ANY idea about Adler.. which I couldn't believe.. so I was like- screw it.. I want to know why NO ONE on that side of the family hasnt had anything to do with my son.

So I called him.

He was FLABERGASTED... keep in mind that I met this uncle once when i was 16 and had talked to him on the phone periodically over my relationship with E.... He told me that he didnt really have much to do with E anymore because of what he found out he was doing with younger girls... and was asking me all about Adler and told me that he wanted to know all about him.

Im bawling on the phone because its just like--wtf... SERIOUSLY no one knew about him??? He told me he was going to call E's father in the morning and see if Larry knew anything about Adler either... but he told me that he's barely talked to E or his mother (E's mother and father have been seperated for years and rarely talk)...

he goes "Does Sharon know?" And I said "yeah dave she's known since the day I got pregnant." and he was like "Im baffled melissa.. Im just baffled.. I want you to know that no one over here was ignoring your son-- we wouldnt do that.. we just had no idea.. I dont think anyone knows. At least- I didnt know.... and I dont think my brother knew."

So yesterday morning he texts me and says "Mel, I'd love to see a pic of Adler. Dave." So I texted him and said "did you talk to larry??" and he said "Yeah he had no information.." and i said "so I take it he didnt know about my son either?" and he said "that is correct." and I said "Id much rather talk on the phone if at all possible."

So he called me and we talked again for another 10 minutes.. its so friggin hard to understand what he's saying though because he has the thickest boston accent haha... but he told me that he wants to know about adler.. he wants to be informed on the results of paternity.. that hes a huge family man and just cant wrap his mind around whats going on.. I told him that the reason E wasn't in his son's life is because of the abortion situation and he couldnt believe that E had asked me to have an abortion



Ugh, I dunno.. I didnt send him a picture because I just dont feel comfortable with that yet. I understand that Dave is Adler's great uncle.... but all I know from that side of the family is that they haven't wanted my son... and I just dont feel comfortable right now sending them pictures of him.. you know?

I dunno girls.. Im just flabergasted by this whole friggin thing.. its absolutley insane to me.. I cant believe that no one knew for the last 18 months that I was pregnant OR that adler existed..

I dont know what to do, how to handle this situation with Dave... argh.. I just kinda needed a plce to vent, and Ive been thinking about it non.. stop..

 

[ticki]

considering the distance, i wouldn't blame E's family for not knowing. especially since E didn't let them know anything about it and you've not been keeping in touch with them either.

it seems to me that once you contacted his side of the family, they're shocked about the whole situation and genuinely interested in seeing more of your son. i think you're doing the right thing so far. take it slow and easy and proceed at a pace that's comfortable for you. whether or not E ever has anything to do with your son, or if you even want him to have anything to do with your son, i think in the long run you and your son may be happier having at least some contact with your son's paternal side of the family.

on a side note, somebody should call the cops on E. seriously. he sounds like a pedophile to me. sex with 14yo girls? that's just disgusting.

 

[AdlersMommy22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ticki considering the distance, i wouldn't blame E's family for not knowing. especially since E didn't let them know anything about it and you've not been keeping in touch with them either. it seems to me that once you contacted his side of the family, they're shocked about the whole situation and genuinely interested in seeing more of your son. i think you're doing the right thing so far. take it slow and easy and proceed at a pace that's comfortable for you. whether or not E ever has anything to do with your son, or if you even want him to have anything to do with your son, i think in the long run you and your son may be happier having at least some contact with your son's paternal side of the family. on a side note, somebody should call the cops on E. seriously. he sounds like a pedophile to me. sex with 14yo girls? that's just disgusting.

Yeah the whole thing w/ the 14yo is just a whole other issue in itself... blach.

And I really want my son to have contact with E's side of the family... bad... it just scares me that E is going to like- lie and make things bad for my son.. I dunno.. he's very vindictive.

 

[florabundance]

That's a damn shame. But I suppose it would make sense. I don't mean to disrespect the father of your beautiful baby boy, but this guy hardly has a good track record. Not excepting responsibility of the child is fine, but shielding your son from what is ultimately, a part of his roots, is wrong.
Maybe he assumed that you wouldn't want Adler to have contact with his father's family if he wasn't going to know his father?
I don't know...but I hope you all manage to work it out.

 

[blindpassion]

I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable with sending them a picture, then its your right not too. I'm sure they are reasonable people, and I'm sure they will understand if it will take you a while to warm up to this situation. Its not easy. You've been through a lot, and I'm sure they are starting to understand that, especially since they are just starting to warm up to this situation too.

And this is for the best... as strange as it sounds, that family being a part of Adlers life is a positive thing for Adler. Your ex may not be the best thing for him, but him knowing his family is important. He will benefit more in life from it then you know.

<3 Just do whatever you're comfortable with, take your time.

 

[AngelBunny]

First of all ... I am so sorry dear. I have similar issues with my kid's dad's family ... they know all about them but don't care about them at all, to the point that their grandfather doesn't even know their names! I hear you ... and I know how much it hurts as a mom to try to imagine why anyone wouldn't love and adore him as much as you do.

Anyways ... I think it is entirely feasible that they just didn't know because E didn't tell them. If they are that far away and he told them that you two broke up just 'cuz then they had no reason to assume that he left you and you were pregnant. If you think they are good people (because good people can spawn a bad apple like E) then I would say let them be involved, but go into it slowly. They are his family ... and when Adler gets older he will be grateful to have as big of a family to love and be a part of as is possible.

As for your question about E screwing it up by saying bad things about Adler, what could he possible say that would tarnish the reputation of an innocent, adorable nine month old baby? If they are level-headed, they will look at him like a three-headed dumbass for even trying to talk crap against a baby! The worst thing he could claim is that Adler isn't his ... and there are tests that will prove him wrong. Not to mention the fact that I am sure his family is aware of how strong of a person you are both in morals and in faith and they will have no doubt in their minds that you would be absolutely sure of who Adler's father is.

My best advice is just to calm down a bit and go slowly ... I know right now you feel like they don't love him ... when realistically it is impossible to love something that you don't know exists. Now that they know, if they are all good people like his Uncle seems to be, I am sure they will love him just as much as your family does. Go ahead and send them a picture ... that is all it will take for them to fall over themselves trying to be a part of that babies life .... and in the end it will make E look and feel like the dipshit that he truly is, and for his own family to realize that is a minor, if not sweet, vindication for you and your son.

 

[joey444]

You poor thing! First, I applaud you for everything that you have done for your son (not having the abortion, going to school, etc..) and I think you're an excellent mommy. As mothers, we kinda have this extra sense; a very strong, and almost always correct, intuition. Listen to that and follow that, it will never fail you.

Best of luck for you and Adler!

 

[Blushbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ticki on a side note, somebody should call the cops on E. seriously. he sounds like a pedophile to me. sex with 14yo girls? that's just disgusting.

Yeah ...that's left a very nasty taste in my mouth. On that basis alone Adler doesn't need HIM in his life, but his actions can't be ignored, whether that's your baby;'s father or not. What he's done/doing is disgusting and he needs to be reprimanded for his actions.

E's family appear willing to embrace Adler (and you) into their lives and it's not their fault their stupid son didn't let them know about his existence. I think you'd also benefit from the support from E's family too and as Blindpassion said it's important for Adler to know both sides of his family.

I hope the next few days and weeks allow you to become closer and the communication between you all gets better.

Good luck hon.

 

[TISH1124]

IMO and it's short and sweet...Because I have a similar circumstance as you know....

It is not Adler's fault or the fault of his sperm donor's family how he came to be. They have every right to want to know Adler and he should be afforded the same opportunity to get to know them.

Parents cannot be blamed for the actions of their children unless they participate in the actions.

I think you will make the right decision for your son....Not necessariy for you...But for his well being long term

As bad as some dads and mothers are...they still have a right to see their kids unless the courts deem them unfit...Supervised perhaps...But they have rights nonetheless.

 

[Blushbaby]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TISH1127 As bad as some dads and mothers are...they still have a right to see their kids unless the courts deem them unfit...Supervised perhaps...But they have rights nonetheless.

Which takes me back to my point about E needing to be reported!

 

[mizuki~]

Aww damn that is a lot of shit to put up with. I can't believe what a bastard that E guy is! It's good to hear that Dave seems to really care but if you don't feel comfortable sending him a picture just yet, you shouldn't worry about it. It is YOUR son... BTW is E paying for child support?

Somebody needs to report that pedophile. 14 is veryyy YOUNG! Just gross...he's 28! He's supposed to be a damn adult and he's acting like a frickin kid

 

[CantAffordMAC]

I can understand ur feelings of being upset...it sounds like you've been through a lot. I dont know exactly how close u were to E's family, but I seriously wouldnt blame them. Number one, they dont really communicate with E anymore (well the ones that know what E does with young girls)...so that shows that they obviously dont agree with his lifestyle. Number two, being that E wanted u to have an abortion, and said he wanted nothing to do with u when u said no.....well he probably made sure none of his family knew about u being pregnant or the baby or anything.....then they'd wonder why u guys were no longer ina relationship. And theyd probably find out he wanted u to have an abortion.

I would expect nothing more from this guy...E sounds like a loser. However if his family wants to be in Adler's life...well i dont really blame them? However its ur choise completely. And I dont think ur wrong in not sending a picture either....hes ur son and if ur uncomfortable with something then u dont have to do it.I just wouldnt hold E's family responsible for anything....E's the jerk, not them.

I didnt read any other responses so I hope Im not saying something that someone else already said...

 

[Shoegal-fr]

I think E didn't say anything cuz he doesn't have the guts to assume that he was indeed abandoning a pregnant (and apparently nice, honest, brave) woman. I think his family might have confronted him if they knew, and i believe it's going to happen anyway because now they know. Yep, bad karma's back at him!!
You may present your boy at his family anyway, because he needs or will need it anyway, and that will also become another support for you too. After all, you're the mother of one of their descendants, and at least one of them will acknowledge and respect that!

 

[AdlersMommy22]

Thanks for the advice girls

 

[AdlersMommy22]

Quote:

Originally Posted by florabundance That's a damn shame. But I suppose it would make sense. I don't mean to disrespect the father of your beautiful baby boy, but this guy hardly has a good track record. Not excepting responsibility of the child is fine, but shielding your son from what is ultimately, a part of his roots, is wrong. Maybe he assumed that you wouldn't want Adler to have contact with his father's family if he wasn't going to know his father? I don't know...but I hope you all manage to work it out.

Oh trust me, you're not disrespecting him any more than I do in my mind every day... I refuse to talk badly about him outloud because I dont want my son to ever catch on or hear me doing it... I want him to form his own opinion of his father, you know? But dont apologize for disrespecting him

Quote:

Originally Posted by blindpassion I think you should do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable with sending them a picture, then its your right not too. I'm sure they are reasonable people, and I'm sure they will understand if it will take you a while to warm up to this situation. Its not easy. You've been through a lot, and I'm sure they are starting to understand that, especially since they are just starting to warm up to this situation too. And this is for the best... as strange as it sounds, that family being a part of Adlers life is a positive thing for Adler. Your ex may not be the best thing for him, but him knowing his family is important. He will benefit more in life from it then you know. <3 Just do whatever you're comfortable with, take your time.

I think Im mostly nervous about Dave showing the picture to E. I know it sounds mean but I dont honestly think that E deserves to see his child if hes going to make no effort to be in his life. If E wanted to see Adler, then he would have made an attempt to.... Im just concerned about Dave printing the picture out and showing it to the family and E getting to see Adler when I dont really feel like he deserves to.. if that makes sense.

I totally agree that E's family being a part of Adler's life is a good thing.. I want them to.. I want Adler to feel extreamly loved and know that he has so much family that loves him-- and while he does on my side for SURE, ..eventually he's going to ask questions about hsi father's side of the family- itd be nice to have someone there to answer them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AngelBunny First of all ... I am so sorry dear. I have similar issues with my kid's dad's family ... they know all about them but don't care about them at all, to the point that their grandfather doesn't even know their names! I hear you ... and I know how much it hurts as a mom to try to imagine why anyone wouldn't love and adore him as much as you do. Anyways ... I think it is entirely feasible that they just didn't know because E didn't tell them. If they are that far away and he told them that you two broke up just 'cuz then they had no reason to assume that he left you and you were pregnant. If you think they are good people (because good people can spawn a bad apple like E) then I would say let them be involved, but go into it slowly. They are his family ... and when Adler gets older he will be grateful to have as big of a family to love and be a part of as is possible. As for your question about E screwing it up by saying bad things about Adler, what could he possible say that would tarnish the reputation of an innocent, adorable nine month old baby? If they are level-headed, they will look at him like a three-headed dumbass for even trying to talk crap against a baby! The worst thing he could claim is that Adler isn't his ... and there are tests that will prove him wrong. Not to mention the fact that I am sure his family is aware of how strong of a person you are both in morals and in faith and they will have no doubt in their minds that you would be absolutely sure of who Adler's father is. My best advice is just to calm down a bit and go slowly ... I know right now you feel like they don't love him ... when realistically it is impossible to love something that you don't know exists. Now that they know, if they are all good people like his Uncle seems to be, I am sure they will love him just as much as your family does. Go ahead and send them a picture ... that is all it will take for them to fall over themselves trying to be a part of that babies life .... and in the end it will make E look and feel like the dipshit that he truly is, and for his own family to realize that is a minor, if not sweet, vindication for you and your son.

Im mostly nervous because E and I are in a custody battle right now- that E will get mad that Im talking to hsi family, and do something to try and get the upper hand in the custody battle.. if that makes sense. Not nec do something to Adler... but to me. He's a VERY vindictive person. ... In fact, the last time we spoke in November of 07, he told me that he was going to go after custody of my son simply because I didnt get an abortion. His exact words were "You did something I didnt like, so im going to do something you dont like."

He's spitefull. And any little thing can set him off... and im sure once he finds out that his family and I have been cooresponding he will do whatever he can to get back at me.

 

[jdechant]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdlersMommy22 He's spitefull. And any little thing can set him off... and im sure once he finds out that his family and I have been cooresponding he will do whatever he can to get back at me.

That really sucks!! I wouldn't worry though too much about it...I don't think in this case there is much that he can do that would give him the upperhand...HE was never there, HE has 14 year old gf's, HE wanted you to have an abortion...The courts ALWAYS favour the child with the mother...as far as you getting ahold of his family, I think you have the upperhand on that one too, as they are going to be super pissed at E for hiding that information.

 

[nursee81]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AdlersMommy22 Im mostly nervous because E and I are in a custody battle right now- that E will get mad that Im talking to hsi family, and do something to try and get the upper hand in the custody battle.. if that makes sense. Not nec do something to Adler... but to me. He's a VERY vindictive person. ... In fact, the last time we spoke in November of 07, he told me that he was going to go after custody of my son simply because I didnt get an abortion. His exact words were "You did something I didnt like, so im going to do something you dont like." He's spitefull. And any little thing can set him off... and im sure once he finds out that his family and I have been cooresponding he will do whatever he can to get back at me.

This is more of a reason to report his ass. If he's as vindictive and spiteful as you say he is you. You need to make sure you always have the upper hand. I know it can be hard but you have to do whats in your best interest and that of you baby.

And for Adler to it would be a good thing for him to get to know his other family at the end. Take your time with it and as a mother you will know when the time is right.

 

[blindpassion]

Well Melissa, as far as custody goes, it pretty much says it all that he hasn't been a part of Adlers life from day one and stil has made no effort. No judge in their right mind would grant him custody.

 

[NutMeg]

You are Adler's mom, and while it's important for him to get to know his family if they're open to that, it's still your job to make the best decisions you can for his wellbeing. So don't feel bad if you aren't comfortable with sending pictures. Take things at your own pace. Make sure you are ok with whatever level of contact his dad's family has with him.

 

[FWBChick]

I am of the opinion that you should never keep anyone from your child that will love them, regardless of what your feelings are for them. The family probably didn't know about him. E was trying to make sure of that by the abortion talk and abandoning you both. I blame him for that, not them...until they give you a reason to think otherwise. With the custody thing going on, I'd really lay low on keeping in touch with his family. You want all that to be settled before you bring some unknown into the mix. I would just tell them that you are really concentrating on that and would like to talk more about (pictures, meeting, whatever) after that's all taken care of. I don't blame you for not trusting them right off, they've got to earn that. You can use your judgement about what you think their intentions are, but have an open mind because they are not him. Take care of the custody stuff, because if he's as vendictive as you say, you don't want to give him any little chance to hurt you again. After that see how it goes with opening up to his family. As long as that's not a direct line to him I don't see anything wrong with it when you're comfortable.