nineteen and confused. advice???

[hoemygosh]

so I'm so sorry for bugging you all with this, but i dont know who to talk to about this, you girls seem to give good advice, and hopefully some of you can relate also.

i was in a very serious long term relationship. (only a year, but that was long for me.) we practically lived together since the second month we knew eachother. inseperable and everything. i matured greatly during our relationship, considering that when we met i was going through a drug phase, and when we broke up i was over parties pretty much. i wont get into why we broke up because that will take forever. lol. kay, so when we broke up.. (i broke up with him) i was completely broken, i started to get really bad anxiety & panic attacks. i became anorexic and lost 30 pounds in less than two months after we broke up. the hardest thing for me was explaining this to my mother. it's almost as though she has no compassion. she keeps calling me "insane". i should inform you all that I have no job and im not going to school, but plan to start in the fall. she literally thinks im crazy. because im unmotivated. i'm slowly picking myself up, and i thank her for supporting me ( money wise). but it's almost like she's making me feel worthless and retarded, for not knowing what i want from life yet. I'm going through the toughest time in my life, and mom just does not get it. (i also drive around her daughter (my sister) everywhere, i clean the house, grocery shop, and even cook for her, and im always home.)
around the same time that we broke up, i moved to santa clarita from the valley, not knowing anyone, except my ex, because he lives here. (GREAT!! right, ) my best friend lives a while away, and i dont have hardly any friends anymore since they all became drug addicts. my boyfriend whom i cant fucken wait too see, is currently in Kuwait, and I want him here with me soo bad. I just feel like everything that could go wrong, went wrong all at the same time. & it's the first time in my life i haven't had ANYONE to tell me things are going to be okay. this is all new for me. the real world hit me hard. and my mom is making everything worse.
have any of you ever felt unmotivated before? or just completey alone? im not really sure what to do about this. she told me last night that she's going to give me a "deadline" and i have to have a job by then, or else i get kicked out. i dunno what she expects out of me. im not her, and im not perfect. she make's me feel like im not good enough to even be her daughter. it hurts me sooooo much, to hear her say that im a dissapointment. and she's embarassed that im her daughter. am i really crazy? i just want to know if this happens to other people as well.




hope to get some feedback.
& thanks for reading this.


love, apryl.

 

[Raerae]

Your 19, I wouldn't worry about it too much. I know it seems difficult now, but things will get better.

I went through some very similar situations, only I was 23, and not 19. I had friends who were drug users/dealers, lack of motivation, skipping from pointless job to pointless job with no real goal/direction in life. And all my friends were the same. So it linda seemed alright, since well, they were all doing nothing, so nothing seemed ok. I managed to rack up like 25k+ in debt over a couple of years, because of spending, partying, clothes, whatever. At some point I woke up and realised this wasn't what I wanted out of life. I didn't want to waste any more time being a college drop-out living check to check, and smoking weed/drinking all the time to pass the days away.

So I moved.

Prior to this point I had gone through a period where I wasn't even speaking with my parents, as they were so disapointed with what was happening in my life. I didn't talk to my mom for almost a year. But eventually we reconnected, when I started to get over myself, and I started reaching out to her. She helped me get out of where I was living, and like you, supported me for a little bit while I got things in order with my life. It still wasn't easy, and this was probably some of the hardest moments I've gone through in my life, living in a new place, along, with no close friends, with no real job, not getting interviews because of lack of expierence, etc. I felt really worthless. And even more so I felt like I was wearing out my welcome with my Mom, as she got tired of me not putting enough effort in her eyes, into getting a job again so I could pay my own way again. So I hit another rock bottom point in my life, and was getting desperate to find ANY sort of way to pay my own way just to get my Mom off my back. Eventually not giving up paid off, and after doing enough temping and working small things, I got a good temp position that eventually turned into a permanent position. I'm not 100% together, but I'm not living check to check anymore, I've saved up more $ than I ever have w/out spending it, and I'm working towards a better future.

All I can say is, youth is the time to have these types of expierences, as your young, and can get through it. Focus on yourself, and building up your personal self worth, and independance, so you dont have to rely on others, and dont make decisions because of that. Take little steps. You dont have to fix everything in one night. You have the rest of your life to do that, one step at a time. And never forget your Mom loves you, no matter how hard it is to see it sometimes.

 

[ruca_or_hina]

everyone has been there at some point

things WILL get better (=

 

[hoemygosh]

thank you so much raerae. it's nice to know that im not alone. I don't plan on being worthless forever, but my mom seems to think that I'm never going to change. Never, is not true. Today? Tomorrow? I don't know. & It's not like I'm lazy. Just Ultra depressed at the moment. Everytime I see her, I'm literally walking on eggshells. not fun, especially in your own house.


love, apryl.

 

[Raerae]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hoemygosh thank you so much raerae. it's nice to know that im not alone. I don't plan on being worthless forever, but my mom seems to think that I'm never going to change. Never, is not true. Today? Tomorrow? I don't know. & It's not like I'm lazy. Just Ultra depressed at the moment. Everytime I see her, I'm literally walking on eggshells. not fun, especially in your own house. love, apryl.

Just keep in mind, your 19. It's OK to not know WTF you want to do with your life.

I think if anything the root of your moms fustration comes from the fact that she doesn't see you trying to do anything about your situation. My advice would be to just get a little job somewhere, even if it's just a minimum wage thing. Work retail or something fun where you can meet other girls your age. You'd be surprised how your mood can change when you take a tiny step forward. Not to mention it will show your mom your trying, and get her off your back

Plus you'll have a little $ in your pocket which you can spend/save. Minimum wages goes pretty far when you dont have to pay bills.

 

[Willa]

The way I see it, your mom isnt probably able to express her feelings right. She dont know the good way to tell you that she expect more than this for you (in a good way) and she only can critisize.

My father is like that...
I learned to build myself a ''wall'' and I did the minimum so he couldnt say a thing (getting a job, doing something).

Sometimes its just that they dont want us to lose opportunities.
I dont know how old is your mom, but my parents are in the mid 50's. Here, in Quebec, its usual that their generation acts like that. They've been educated this way and teach us what they know, and at 50-something its hard to make them change their mind.

I don't know if I expressed myself right (translating my mind lolll) but I hope you get my point

Dont give up, its ok to feel that way.

 

[MisStarrlight]

You're not alone honey. We've all been there, sometimes more than others. I've been pretty much feeling the same way since I graduated college (over a year ago)...different situation, yes, but it seems to have the same side effects.

I would say to definitely try to get some sort of job...some sort of paycheck to keep your mother happy & end that part of the conflict & to give yourself some sort of hope. Even if it is a dead-end minimum wage job, it will get you up & showered & dressed & out of the house (all of which I have major problems doing when I am depressed)...My regular job makes me happy when I'm there, but my 3 days a week that I had off were the worst...so I got a second job so now I work 7 days a week. It's definitely helping & has given me a reason to wake up every morning (and is slowly helping me with that incredible debt that I racked up).

 

[Beauty Mark]

Most people don't know what they want at 19 or if they do, they're more than likely to change their minds.

I definitely agree with everyone about getting a job. You need something to keep you motivated, not to mention the cash.

Once you get a job, you'll probably make some friends. If you don't, which also happens, try finding an activity where you can meet people. Volunteering, meetup groups, classes (not necessarily academic but dance, art, aerobics, whatever) are all ways my friends and I have met other people.

 

[pinkgirl84]

i think you should talk to your mom tell her how you feel, and it seems like your motivated to me when you say your helping out around the house and all just being there for your mom and sister, try to hang with new people like go to local cafes or like your surronding areas around your house. also what helps copes is if you try to get into extra activities like a sport or a craft/hobbie you can also meet people there to,

a good summer job where you can meet lots of young people your age is lifeguarding

a good summer job where you can meet lots of young people your age is lifeguarding, i have done that the past couple of summers and i met alot of people my age well 2 summers ago i was 19/20 and there are really cool people, also if you get a job start thinking postives thought like what you would want to do, save money for something like a new car, or invest it until later when you get older, you never know you might need it. also what helps me is i like to make clothes and make them into something new and that gets my mind off of thing.

 

[Raerae]

Yeh i had a hard time staying motivated to get a job when I didn't have one because of depression as well.

I'm still not 100% depression free, but I'm happiest when I'm at work, because I'm around people who I enojoy being with and who care about me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MisStarrlight You're not alone honey. We've all been there, sometimes more than others. I've been pretty much feeling the same way since I graduated college (over a year ago)...different situation, yes, but it seems to have the same side effects. I would say to definitely try to get some sort of job...some sort of paycheck to keep your mother happy & end that part of the conflict & to give yourself some sort of hope. Even if it is a dead-end minimum wage job, it will get you up & showered & dressed & out of the house (all of which I have major problems doing when I am depressed)...My regular job makes me happy when I'm there, but my 3 days a week that I had off were the worst...so I got a second job so now I work 7 days a week. It's definitely helping & has given me a reason to wake up every morning (and is slowly helping me with that incredible debt that I racked up).

 

[hoemygosh]

thank you all soo much!!!
I was thinking of getting a summer job as a camp counselor or something. i've done that before, and i really enjoyed it.

you girls are so sweet.
& thanks for your advice.
=]