One Boyfriend: Much Confusion - Help!

[_tiffany]

I need advice...and in this case, it's not one of those "I know what to do, I just need confirmation" it really is "I have no idea what is going on". I feel like I need to start off with a little bit about myself, sorry if this becomes a novel - I thank you for reading/giving your input if you do!

I'm 24 and I've only had one boyfriend my entire life and we met when I was 19. My personality is weird, I've never been one of those girls that is dying to be in a relationship or that fawns over guys. I do strange things: I don't contact him first because I want to know that he's the one who wants it initiated, he says he loves me and I don't say anything back because I don't really believe in love, I've ignored him a lot in the past because he's done things that make me mad, I have a tendency to push him away. We've been basically off and on for the years that we've known each other. I have major trust issues and in the first few years, he gave me reasons to be distrustful of him.

We've had a lot of conversations about our relationship and he's said that he wants to be with me forever and I'm always the cynic. A few months ago, we decided to use a different strategy and I agreed to try to not bring up the past and focus on an actual future and he agreed to be more up front and honest about things. Things have been going pretty well, with a few minor fights here and there, but today he texted me and said he was feeling like he's "actually depressed." He's the kind of person that always has something to complain about, but the fact that he said he feels "actually depressed" freaked me out. I asked him what he was depressed about and this is how the texts went:

Him: I don't know I guess I'm feeling better now.

Me: Ummm...ok...I don't know why you say things like that then act like it's no big deal two seconds later.

Him: Either way there is nothing you can do so forget I said it.

Me: Then maybe you should reevaluate why we're even "together" if you feel that way.

Me: I'm serious. If you think you can't talk to me about s___ or you don't want to or whatever, then what are we doing? Make your choice.

Him: I don't have anything to say. I wake up to a bad dream 5 days a week.

Me: That's not what I'm asking you right now. If I'm not someone who can make you feel better, then why bother being with me?

Him: You don't get it.

Me: You're not saying anything for me to get it. Whenever you have a s____y day the first person you go to isn't me so why be with me? Answer my question.

Him: No. Just stop.

Me: Wtf, do you not get that I'm not some object that you can deal with whenever you see fit? You're dealing with a person here and this is important to me for you to answer.

Me: You not responding right now is saying I don't mean s___ to you, so I guess that's my answer.

Him: I got a migraine I'm going home.

Me: Answer what I'm asking you, it doesn't take that much to do that.

Me: you make me feel like s___ and it's no big deal to you and you'll just apologize for it later as if you couldn't avoid the mistake to begin with. The message you are sending is that you don't give a f___ about me and don't want to be with me anyway. So if that's a misunderstanding because of your communication skills, then you better clear that up quickly because I can't be with someone who acts like that and treats me like I mean nothing to them.

[Hours later]

Him: When I say I need time give me time.

Me: You never once said you need time and it's a simple thing to answer. If it's so hard for you then that's the answer right there. I don't understand why you can't just say it.

Him: I feel like s___ and you keep pushing me.

Me: The world doesn't stop because you feel like s___. I'm not you. I have my own life, which you are currently impacting and your decision plays a pretty big part in it and it's basically a yes or no question.
​

And now he's not saying anything. I guess my texts seem pretty harsh, but when he says he's depressed out of nowhere and won't tell me why - I'm going to assume the worst. I don't get why he refuses to talk to me if it's me that he wants to be with "forever". Don't people want to be with someone who makes them feel better on bad days or when they're feeling down? I know I want to be with someone who is willing to talk to me when they're feeling depressed instead of ignore me until they want to pretend like everything is great again. Am I being selfish and demanding? Or am I right for feeling confused by what he's saying? Since I've been in exactly one relationship, I don't know how to deal with things like this or if this is even normal...ugh.

 

[Mabelle]

I'm sorry, but your responses seem very insensitive and harsh. His texts leave me with the impression that he just wants to know that you care about how he's feeling. I know it's annoying way of doing it, but i sometimes do the same thing with my bf when i'm in a really sucky/baby mood.
If youve been with this guy for a while, and are still cynical, and don;t believe in love, i don't think your being fair to a guy that says he wantsto be with you forver. From your writings, you just don't seem particulalry into him.

Im sorry if that sounds harsh or bitchy, but thats honestly how i feel.

 

[_tiffany]

^ I get what you mean and I know I'm not a particularly sensitive person. Sometimes I feel like I'm the stereotypical guy and he's the stereotypical girl in the relationship. It's just hard for me to understand why he won't just say why he's depressed, but he'll hint at it. I really appreciate that you gave me your honest opinion, most of the time people I know in real life will automatically side with me because they know me and I'm the one asking for opinions/advice.

 

[Simply Elegant]

I agree with her as well. To be honest, you don't seem that warm or inviting to share something that made him upset. He wants you to know how he feels but I think he's scared he won't get the support he needs by telling you, so he changes his mind halfway into telling you when you almost seem to threaten him with the status of the relationship.

 

[kimmietrinh]

^ From what you describe about how you feel, and the way you handled the situation, I understand why he doesn't want to confide in you. He wants to, but he knows he won't get the emotional support from you. You tell him that he's pushing you away, but it's more like you're the one who pushes him away. Would you tell someone your intimate thoughts and feelings if they said what you said? Would you even want to? You've stated you don't believe in love and all that, but yet you have this man who is willing to be with you on and off even though he knows. I don't know what kind of "history" you've had together that has made you distrustful of him. Maybe if you try to evaluate whether or not you are willing to shed some of that cynical attitude, and if you do care for him or if it's more of a habit thing to have him around. I don't know if you're hurt because he won't tell you stuff, or if you're hurt because he tells someone else stuff. Do you get what I mean? I don't mean to be harsh on you.

 

[_tiffany]

Every time something happens that makes him upset or something breaks normal patterns, I automatically assume there's something wrong with the relationship and I don't know how to stop doing that. During our first month of "going out", which was about five years ago, he cheated on me so I've never really fully recovered from that - it really, truly broke my heart. I guess I always jump to "Oh my god, he must be doing something that's going to hurt me". I've told him this before and that it's hard for me to even try to trust him, but he just doesn't seem to understand why. He keeps saying, "That was years ago, this is now" but just because it was years ago doesn't mean the impact it had on me has gone away.

I do care about him and I can't imagine not having him in my life, which I've also told him before. I just feel like I'm always trying to lessen the blow of getting hurt again and sometimes that can be self destructive.

 

[InspiredBlue]

If your boyfriend suffers from an actual, real depression (which is what I get the feeling he was trying to tell you), there really isn't anything you can do. He needs to see a medical professional and get therapy and/or meds.
Depression can't be cured by loved ones being nice, even if they'd like to help. Being mad that the depressed person is realistic enough to see this, isn't going to help either.

 

[_tiffany]

I'm not mad that he's telling someone else and not me, because I really don't think he's saying anything to anybody else. I'm just mad that he's refusing to talk to me about something that seems important.

I don't know if it's real depression, he said he was "having a bad day" but wouldn't tell me why. He said something like "I'm having a bad day just like you do, just for different reasons" so I asked what reasons and he said "Why do you have bad days?" He usually talks to me everyday but he didn't yesterday until I texted him and isn't talking to me today either. I don't know. I just have a feeling he wants to end it but doesnt want to say it himself.

 

[LMD84]

i agree with other posters that you have come across slightly blunt in your messages which is perhaps why he isn't turning to you first to speak to. but i completely understand how frustrating it is when somebody tells you something is wrong but then doesn't explain why. and i can see why you jump to the conclusion that the relationship is what is wrong because of him cheating in the past.

however perhaps you are blunt sounding because of this? i think you should both sit down face to face and talk things out. let him know that you are partners and that you should share things. perhaps explain why you were being blunt and snappy in your messages but let him know you are here to listen and help now. hopefully he will start opening up to you.

 

[_tiffany]

^ That's what I want to do, but whenever I want to seriously talk about problems he shuts down and becomes unreachable or he'll act like everything is ok and that I'm crazy for thinking there's a problem. I don't know what to do. I guess if he continues being like this there probably is no reason to try to save it anyway.

 

[LMD84]

well when you get him alone and having a serious discussion just say to him that perhaps he sin't doing himself any good by telling you things are ok when they are not. i hope that he opens up to you soon. i think you should try and be patient just for a little while with him to see if he turns to you in the end.

 

[liibyz]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mabelle I'm sorry, but your responses seem very insensitive and harsh. His texts leave me with the impression that he just wants to know that you care about how he's feeling. I know it's annoying way of doing it, but i sometimes do the same thing with my bf when i'm in a really sucky/baby mood. If youve been with this guy for a while, and are still cynical, and don;t believe in love, i don't think your being fair to a guy that says he wantsto be with you forver. From your writings, you just don't seem particulalry into him. Im sorry if that sounds harsh or bitchy, but thats honestly how i feel.

I agree with that.

 

[mizuki~]

I'm a terrible advice-giver but..I'm speaking from personal experience here..
Some guys just can't open up and vent out all their feelings, even to the ones they love. Like somebody else said, he was feeling sh*tty and probably just needed you to be there for him and let him know you care, not to snap and demand he tell you what's wrong. I'm in a similar situation and my BF tells me my cynicism is a huuuuge flaw of mine and it seriously pushes him to the point where he wants to leave sometimes. Nobody likes a Debbie-Downer. I understand you're hurt from what he did to you in the past but he obviously loves you very much to want to stay with you despite all your cynicism. If you want to stay with him, you can't keep pushing him away like this. (You were a bit harsh >_<)

As girlfriends, we are not their therapists. As much as we'd love to, they're not just going to spill their hearts out to us and let us know everything that's going on in their heads. It's something you've got to accept. I think you two should sit and talk this out. Let him know that the cheating he did years ago still hurts you and why you react the way you do when you think something is wrong.

Wish you the best of luck

 

[Cydonian]

Just read your message, haven't read the responses yet... that was a lot to take in.

You're coming here for advice so I don't want to bash you, but your responses seem a bit cold and over the top. If he is depressed and sad, you don't necessarily know the reasons, and yet within a few lines you were already attacking him like he doesn't want to be with you or like it was even about you. You need to sit back and let someone talk. Even if they are talking about your relationship or something you're doing wrong, listen. Because if you just go attacking them back and throwing insults at them, who is going to want to listen to that?

Be glad that he was at least trying to open up. If you want to stay with him, don't keep shutting the door on him when he tries, because eventually he will give up. You will then have someone who stares at you when you try to get them to open up because they are too scared.

Think about it this way -- you got on the defensive because you felt like he was saying something negative about you. But you were doing the same to him, times ten. Something has to give somewhere, and since you're coming here for advice, I say you be the bigger person.

You're a Type A personality, I can tell, and I can understand because I am that way too. I want explanations, I want answers, and I want it now. My fiance is more laid back and slow to come to an explanation for something when we're discussing a problem (just in general, not only relationship issues), so I've caught myself sitting there steaming at him, while he's trying to think and respond. It's not fair to the other person.

You need to ask yourself the following questions:
Do you love him?
Do you see yourself with him 5 years from now?
Where is your relationship going, according to him?
Where do YOU want the relationship to go?

I ask you these questions because of the cheating issue you mentioned. I tell every single person that I've ever known that has been cheated on this same thing: You either get over it COMPLETELY and move on with your relationship, or you end it. You -cannot- stay together and not get over it. It will not work. You will always harbor some underlying hatred for him, and I can see it in your responses.

I think you need to do some soul searching and see if this person is someone you truly care about and want to be with. Not just for his sake, but for yours.

Good luck to you!

 

[Dreamingeagle24]

Sometimes it is hard to ommunicate actual feeling and expressions in texts and writing. your texts to him sounded harsh and uncaring to me. If i had received those texts I would have been more upset if I was him. I think he is crying out for help and needing some simple nurturing and emotional support. Your texts indicated that you were getting angry because he was depressed. Maybe you deal with your fear by converting to anger... but you must be careful not to put that on the other person. You both need to really search your hearts though and determine if you want to be together. if you do, be together until something happens to change that. Never assume things. Assumptions always lead to heart ache. Hope i wasn't too harsh on you. I just share my neutral observations.

 

[sweetbabyblue]

The first thing I noticed reading the conversation (I'm sure others have pointed this out) is that as soon as he said he didn't want to talk about what bothered him you immediately brought the status of the relationship into it. Sometimes people just want to be prompted to talk about their problems. Like, they'll say they don't want to talk about it at first, but will open up later once they've had some time to think more about their problem.
If I was sad about something and someone got mad at me for not wanting to tell them at first then I certainly wouldnt want to tell them about it later and it would make me much more upset.
To be honest, it seemed too harsh and a little insensitive.
I certainly understand that you want to feel that you are the person they want to open up to, and I would expect the same from my boy, but I know that sometimes things can be too much to talk about straightaway. Sometimes my boy gets the 'I dont want to talk about it' and he'll talk about something else till I'm ready to explain what was bothering me at a later time. He's not rejecting you, I wouldn't take it to heart.

 

[kaliraksha]

I've been there... the whole first love cheated on you early on and it affects the way the rest of your relationship(s) plays out.

Here are my two cents based on my experience... the relationship will never have a chance of being normal until you let go of that initial betrayal. Don't forget, but forgive. Sometimes you can do that while you're still with this person, sometimes you need to do it on your own. When you do decide to be with someone then be with someone based on the present and future, not the past. If you let the past color each of your experiences with him then you are not fully allowing yourself to experience what he has to offer you now. What's really the point if in the back of your mind you feel like this is only temporary? Do you honestly honestly feel like he is capable of hurting you like that again? When I had to answer that question for myself I knew that there was no way that I felt that way. So why was I still so hung up on it? It was a pride issue... it killed my self esteem. I realized that if I chose to give him another chance and allow him back into my life that unfortunately meant I had to deal with my own emotions about this situation even though it is a bit unfair as it was done to me and I had no choice. Honestly, what happened in the past didn't matter anymore to me... what I was left to deal with were my own emotions regarding it. I don't think there are any answers because you have to answer it for yourself first.

A few other points that were also true for my relationship... you guys are growing up together. You and him are not the same person you were when you were 19. Hopefully, he will move towards being a better person that you can trust even more than before.

After we got back together after "the event" my bf got really closed off for a while because he felt like I was just looking for excuses to leave him. Truth be told, I probably was. He was too scared to be vulnerable with me. Another question for you, are you sure that you haven't closed yourself off and been scared to be vulnerable with him because of what happened? You saying you don't really believe in love makes me think it's because you are scared to and with good reason. Yet, it's still something you might have to work on regardless of who you are with. It was only after I dealt with my feelings that I could move on to try again and we had to learn to trust each other again- he had to learn to trust that I wasn't going to leave him the next day everyday. Not to say I don't have the occasional blue moon day were I break down and feel just as hurt as the first time I found out... but I have come a long way from where I was. As for your bf... I think he was just having a crappy day and was looking for some sympathy without flat out asking for it.

Good luck, sweetie! Indecision can be so annoying to ponder over.

 

[kimmy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by _tiffany I do care about him and I can't imagine not having him in my life, which I've also told him before. I just feel like I'm always trying to lessen the blow of getting hurt again and sometimes that can be self destructive.

that's called putting up a wall. that's a surefire way to create problems in your relationship that you may never be able to fix.

i know this, because i do the same thing.

in my first relationship, i never put a wall up. i gave everything and i never asked for anything in return. he lied, he cheated, he was a terrible person. he took every opportunity to hurt me in any way he could, then he'd say he was sorry and act like nothing happened. sorry was good enough then. i didn't put up any walls, i stayed vulnerable. i decided with the next guy, i'd do things different.

so when my current boyfriend made some "mistakes" my first reaction was to put walls up. that was two months ago, and i think the walls have made this relationship harder for me than it has for him. but it has surely put alot of distance between us, it's easy for me to say that it's his fault because he's the one that did what made me put the walls up...but the fact is, i put them up by my own design. so the distance is just as much my fault as his.

my point is, putting up walls never helps. i understand you're still hurting from what he did. you always will, but you have to deal with it. and you have to let him know how you feel and how it effected you. i have good days and bad days, and when i'm having a bad day i let my boyfriend know. he knows what he did and now he knows it will always hurt me, and that there will be bad days that he's just going to have to deal with.

you'e both adults, and you need to sit down and hash things out. lay it out for him and let him know that you'll be more open about him hurting you in the past. it's not fair for him to say you can't bring that up because it wasn't fair for him to do what he did.

he needs to be a man and accept that what he did really devastated someone he loves. he also needs to be strong about it, learn from it and be there for you when it's hurting you the most.

you need to understand though, that the fact that he hurt you probably hurt him too. i know this is hard to believe, because it was hard for me to believe tha my boyfriend hurts for the lies he told me. i'm starting to see it now though, he loves me and he feels bad for what he did. i wish he would have just not done it, but what's done is done. we both hurt because of it. i'm trying my best to understand that he hurts too, and to not hold it over him.

you both need to give a little ground i think. it's hard, and it's not going to happen overnight. your relationships appears to have hit that critical point where you both need to sit down and decide what you want and then you need to sit down together and deal with everything. if you want to stay with him, you need to change and so does he. it will be alot of work, but if you want to be together it will be worth it.

good luck, tiffany. if you need anything pls feel free to pm me. i know you're in a rough situation and sometimes it helps to just vent to someone who's been there (or...is still clawing her way up from that low point)

 

[_tiffany]

Thank you all for your input, I'm glad you were honest and told me things I really needed to hear. I truly appreciate it and value what you've said.