Rant About Boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[NikkiHorror]

GRRRRR!!!!!! Okay so I'm 20 and married. I've always known I've wanted to be married early and I definatley picked the right guy, so don't try to tell me otherwise. It's been amazing, except for a few problems. Sometimes he does small little things that get me SOOOO uber jealous and frusterated! It might be that I get jealous because he's the first really handsome guy I've been with, and I know that handsome guys sometimes get egos, or they at least get hit on by other women. I'm just very protective of my husband and my marriage, but I don't want him to think I'm psycho!

The small things he's done that make me jealous:

When we first decided we were going to get married, this girl called my husband like 3x a week asking if he wanted to hang out, even one time at 10 o clock at night. They hadn't dated before, but I guess she had a crush on him. Anyway, he politely told her "no" every time, and mentioned that he had a fiance, but she continued to call! I told him that he needed to tell her to stop calling and that he wasn't interested in her at all!! He said that would sound "mean". So, one day, I picked up the phone and introduced myself and was super super sweet and she didn't call back until New Year's, Valentine's Day, and the day after our wedding to congratulate us. What a dumb ass bitch! Now Brent has a different number, so we won't be expecting calls from her or any other exes anymore.

Once he drove a female co-worker home with out telling me first, and he was home a little late. (he was being generous and helpful, she didn't have a car that day.)

Once I found out he looked at porn on the internet, supposedly his first time ever. (that is soo not like him, but I know he's a boy.)

He works at a barber shop and they have playboy and other girly magazines there (every barber shop does). I don't know if he's looked at them or not, but he swears he hasn't.

The other day, a girl came into the barber shop with her guy friend who was getting a haircut. She recognized Brent as her old neighbor from when they were kids! They got to talking and turns out she was right and he remembered her. When he got home, he called his mom and told her the story...his mom askeed "Is she pretty"? And brent said "Yeah!" So, I looked her up: Her name on myspace is Candy Foxx...um yeah, totally slut bag college party queen with the worst tan ever. Sa-weet. Thank God she didn't ask him for his number he probably would have given it to her and not thought twice about it.

Across the street from his barber school there is a Paul Mitchell Hair School. The Paul Mitchell girls/MAC girls are so his type (I look like one of them too) and the barbers and the hairdressers all eat at this one deli. I know they talk to him, and vice versa. It turns my stomach just to know they're within reach.

And today I found out he searched for and looked at his ex-girlfriend's myspace (the most recent most important ex.) Apparently they have the same tattoo artist and he told my husband that she got "fat and you have to go look at her myspace, haha!" Right...of course I'm going to think he's still interested in her.

He's made me cry because of these little things, but I'm sure if you put yourself into a situation like mine you would understand. I just don't know what to say to him when he does these little things! I know the first year in marriage is the hardest because it's all about growing and learning about each other's boundries, but I wondered if it was just this hard for everybody else. I love this man, and he's smart. I know he would never cheat on me, he just doesn't think before he acts when it comes to these little situations. He knows it hurts me whenever there's another woman that he's three feet from or in contact with. What should I say to him???

 

[kimmy]

i'm not married, BUT my boyfriend used to do those little things all the time that just irritated the fuck out of me. i mean yeah, i'm kind of a jealous person, but some of the things he did, i think any woman would find at least a little inappropriate (like the porn thing, and the MySpace thing)

so after several pretty nasty fights, i pretty much said "look, this is what's up. i can't deal with you checking out porn. i understand you're a dude and you like that stuff, but think of how it makes me feel that you're looking at some other woman and fantasizing about HER. think of how it makes me feel that i know you're comparing me to porn stars. think of how it makes me feel that you still feel the need to check out your ex to see what she looks like/is doing, etc. i can't deal with this. you need to get over this stuff, you're not single anymore and if you don't like it, then go back to being single. but i'm not down for this stuff, okay?"

just try talking to him, and let him know how all these things make you feel. also make sure he understands that while they may seem small to him, they HURT you! that's essential for him to know so he can fully understand the severity of the situation. since you're married, i don't know that i'd add in the "i'm done if you don't shape up" kind of additude i have (but when my boyfriend and i had this convo, we had been going out only about 6 or 7 months) because i think this stuff can be worked out for sure

good luck sweetie!

 

[Kisbee]

I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I do think you need to take a deep breath and think about the sorts of things that are upsetting you.

Obviously I don't know the full story, just the brief outline you've written here, but some of it sounds like you're not sure you trust him. I can understand that you might be nervous because you think girls try to crack on to him and things, but you can't control every situation he will ever be in. There are more women in the world than men, and there are very few situations in which you can guarantee there won't be a pretty girl that he might accidentally look at.

What concerns me is that when people don't feel trusted, they're more likely to want to rebel and it might end up provoking the sort of behaviour you're so worried about in the first place.

A little personal story (if you'll bear with me):
My fiance is a bit of a flirter, he's a dancer (highland, scottish country etc) and a lot of the performance aspect is about a little bit of cheeky eye contact, a little wink.. that sort of thing. His ex just before me was stunning, tiny and always looked fabulous. We'd always bump into her when I was full of PMT, wearing my worst clothes, and generally looking like I'd been dragged through a hedge backwards. And then he said something that made me think..'Alice is a pretty girl, but for the life of me I can't understand a word she says.'

So it hit me, pretty only gets you so far, after that you need to have a connection with a person, and I would hope you've got that with your husband.

So that covers the lift home, the myspace, the magazines at the barber shop and the deli.

What I would say to him is that you're uncomfortable with him looking at porn, you realise it was a one-off/first time, but you think it's disrespectful/exploitative/whatever and you'd prefer if it if he didn't.

Basically, I think you need to get yourself a healthy dose of self confidence. He married you because you're fabulous, unique and special, and no one can change that. With the self confidence, you may find that you're less worried that he'll fall prey to other women.
Good luck!

 

[rubixio]

Some of those things just come with maturity. Like being jealous that a human of the female persuasion is near him...? You're going to have to learn to live with it. Driving a female coworker home because she needs a ride isnt the same thing as hitting on her. It's being kind, which is what you want in a person, right? Obviously he chose to marry you and you're the one he wants.

Also, calling him a "boy" gives me the sense you're still in a young mode of thinking. I dont know, I never hear a married person call their husband a "boy", only girls in highschool do that.

Hope that wasnt too harsh, but like Kisbee said, bring up the real problems and learn to deal with the stuff that everyone else has to.

 

[little teaser]

im not trying to sound harsh either but sounds like you are tooooo jealous i mean lets get real here you cant control him looking or admireing some one thats attractive or beautiful hell i like to look at pretty people dont you?and you cant control or change him rideing his shirt tale is gonna push him away and drive him crazy in a bad way i mean you knew him and how he was befor you married him right????? so you had a choice to accept him for who he is or move on and as far as the porn goes all boy's and men all visual and at times need visual stimulation it's nothing to be insecure about i know alot of women feel uncomfortable with this but this is how and who they are as much as we would like we are never ever gonna change that i dont mind my husband looking at porn or pretty girl on the street as long as he dont disrespect me or let anyone else disrespect me either and it's not takeing attention love or commitment away from me

 

[Shawna]

This is probably not what you want to hear, but it works for me and I have been married forever. I admit that I look at other men, so it is only fair that my hubby looks at other women. Simple. I find that it is much easier to just point out the babes when we are out together. If I see them first, I'm always telling him to check them out. I have a feeling it sucks the fun out of it for him. I don't really care if he is talking to other women or checking them out as long as he isn't touching them. We trust each other and that is what it all comes down to. It sounds like you are just starting out in your relationship and trust is something that gets built up over time. If you just relax a bit, I am sure you will feel much better and won't obsess nearly as much. And remember that he married you, not anyone else. He chose you to be his life partner and that means a lot

 

[kimmy]

i agree that he's going to look at other women from time to time (i left this part out i realized) and that's okay, but like has been said, he chose to marry YOU.

the porn and ex-girlfriend thing though, i really feel like you should nip that stuff in the bud because that's the kind of stuff that can turn into trouble

 

[MarniMac]

Lol, I'm not sure if I'm in any position to be giving advice (see my post about "Cheating Spouse?") BUT, jealousy is a total waste of time and energy. The things you listed were things that you said your husband did to make you upset...all I see that he did was look at porn and check out a couple of ex's myspace (you honestly wouldn't check out your ex's myspace? I would, lol). The whole porn thing is frustrating, but honestly its just a means to an end for guys, you know. It sometimes makes me feel self concious, because the porno ladies are very fine (very finely photoshopped that is), but I try to get over it.
Anyway. I say work on strengthening your relationship. Do crap together that you both love to do together and try to pick stuff that is unique to your relationship, so you feel like you have something special. This advice is a little avant garde, but it works for me...do what your man did. Check out other hotties, call a man you see a cutie and look at your ex's myspace accounts and maybe you will realize that its not really a big deal after all.
Good luck cutie pie

 

[CincyFan]

Obviously I don't know you or your whole situation but from what I have to go on, it doesn't sound like he's done anything bad. If the porn issue bothers you, you need to address that with him but you can't control his behavior. We all have to make compromises in our relationships and confront the deal breakers.

It sounds like a lot of what you're talking about is even out of his control. He can't do anything about what magazines are at work or what school is across the street. If someone told me to check my ex's MySpace, I would. He's my ex for a reason but that doesn't kill curiosity.

If you let these little things eat at you, you'll be miserable. Pick your battles and let the small stuff slide. He chose you for a reason, he's still with you for a reason. Making a relationship work means you'll have to change as well. If you expect him to change certain behaviors, you'll have to change yours too.

 

[thelove4tequila]

Well I got married at 20 also (I'm 22 right now). I used to get jealous too in the beginning of our relationship. I would call my hubby all the time and ask what he was doing when I was out of town or state (we had a long distance relationship. He was stationed in Louisiana at the time). I didn't want him to go out with his friends without me because I just I didn't trust him. I didn't want him to get drunk and end up somewhere that he wasn't supposed to be. (ya know what I mean) Anyways, in the 2 years we have been married my worries, concerns, and jealousy has gone down quite a bit. The way I figure it is I have him and who else is going to put up with his slobby, dirty ass! lol!

 

[angeldust]

on the otherside of the spectrum, my boyfriend can be jealous and insecure like this. and because of it i've lost a LOT of feelings for him. i know i don't know your fullstory, but i would advise you not to be so consumed with assuming what people's intentions are because it could push him away...

 

[NikkiHorror]

Quote:

Originally Posted by thelove4tequila Well I got married at 20 also (I'm 22 right now). I used to get jealous too in the beginning of our relationship. I would call my hubby all the time and ask what he was doing when I was out of town or state (we had a long distance relationship. He was stationed in Louisiana at the time). I didn't want him to go out with his friends without me because I just I didn't trust him. I didn't want him to get drunk and end up somewhere that he wasn't supposed to be. (ya know what I mean) Anyways, in the 2 years we have been married my worries, concerns, and jealousy has gone down quite a bit. The way I figure it is I have him and who else is going to put up with his slobby, dirty ass! lol!

AHAHAHAAA! Your post helped me the most, thanks! I think it's hard for most of you to understand where I'm coming from, but Miss Tequila hit the nail on the head. I already talked to my husband about these things, but I was just asking for advice on what to say if something happens again. I don't want to sound like a psycho-ward bitch-wife, and I definatley don't want to be pointing out all the bad things he does, I simply want to let him know that things like that hurt me, but in an assertive enough way that I would nip that activity in the bud, like homegirl up there said.

We knew each other for less than a year before we got married, and it happened so quickly that I didn't have a chance to earn his trust, and then these things popped up, so it worried me. These are definatley some important things that we are learning about each other as time goes on. Thanks for all your advice!

By the way, whatever I said worked, I think. I'm pretty sure he "gets it", now. I do have a jealous personality when it comes to other girls that are threatening, and I told him that right when we first started dating. And I knew he never did anything with the purpose of hurting me or trying to make me jealous; he has the sweetest, softest heart on the planet, but he's just a young guy, 23. He's kind of dopey in a way, if you know what a mean, sweet and goofy and happy, (

that's why i picked him!!!) and basically just needs to think before he acts. Being married is totally different than having a steady boyfriend, even I can feel the change (there's some things you just CAN'T do anymore without thinking "gosh, if he finds out, will this hurt his feelings or our marriage"?) That's all I ask of him, so we'll see how he does now

THANKS, LADIES!!!! YR THE BEST!